Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Beginning

For those of you who happen to come across this, or the few that I know that read as I blather on, if you take nothing from my ramblings but 1 thing this is the thing that I want to be the take away. Learn from this; pass this one on to anyone you feel needs to learn from this. I am going to share with you the beginning of psychological abuse. It almost always starts with the push away and then pull back. The beginning is hard, confusing, hurtful...but you have to recognize it so that you can take action! I don't want anyone to have to go through an extended period of abuse as I have because the end is so much worse; and the aftermath is almost unspeakably hard!!!

I am going to share 3 emails with you (the first 2 verbatim and the third I am going to cut some of it out) so that you can see what it looks like. I think it is fair to tell you that I can think of nothing that caused the emails in the beginning of Dec. I saw Rob at his place of business the evening of the 8th and it was the same flirtation as always. No clue as to what was about to take place in my life/our relationship. So, here is the beginning of Rob's emotional/mental abuse of me, you will see he threatens me with his life and throws his children at me even here but it didn't click what he was doing when it should have:

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December , 2008 12:24:23 AM

"K,

There are so many things that I want to say and feel in my head and in my heart!
There are so many things where I am torn apart.

I do not know what it is I am trying to say... this is more or less a ramblings of my mind!

I know this girl and she is great! She cares, she listens! I can talk to her about anything and everything! A true friend! A friend in every sense of the word! And she could make me smile at any moment! I am talking... YOU!

As time passed I began to have feelings toward this person beyond friendship! But I was already committed to someone! Here in turn comes the battle!

I have made promises! Which we have talked about how I feel about promises! I will not say, I promise something that I cannot deliver or might not be able to deliver.

These promises affect seven other people! A wife, and six children!

But yet, I can't help feeling comfortable, safe, and appreciated by you!
But how can I live with myself if I destroy seven lives.... I can't and wouldn't be able to live with myself!
Especially... 3 of which are my own flesh and blood!

I a torn, angry, and an emotional wreck because I play an emotional tug of war within inside of myself everyday! I live with that guilt and anxiety everyday that one day I might destroy them because of my wishes

But in doing so... I am ruining my friendship with an amazing person that I respect, adore, appreciate, and draw strength from!

I am torn as what I am to do! I feel that I am escaping to the point feelings and attachments have developed, but yet I have commitments and promises to uphold!

I feel that if I act of certain feelings now...

The point I am trying to make is - You can never have what you want! Because what you do have is what you want! I cannot destroy my children's lives and I do not want to destroy a friendship!

I guess I am just going to have to figure it out on my own!"

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December , 2008 11:23:05 AM

"I want you to know that I did not sleep at all last night and was throwing up from anxiety.

I am telling you this.... Not for pity.....

You said that you did not want to hurt me! Well I do not want to hurt you either!
And I do not want to hurt seven other people either! Not mention, facing my family that I destroyed my children's lives. They have gone through so much the first time. And that pain was caused by their mother.

And if it happens again.... It would be because of me! Me Alone! Their father! You are very protective of your son! And I am protective of my children! I would not be able to live knowing that I caused this!

I allowed my personal feelings towards you and put aside my beliefs and commitments and that is not fair to you or them!

I laid awake last night praying forgiveness and hope that I have not done something to destroy or hurt so many people! I am only human and I make mistakes! I never want to hurt anybody, but I fear that I am going to or already have!

I am sorry for all of this! I hope that I have not done damage that cannot be repaired!
But again, I fear that I already have.

There are times when I feel that high of that safety you provide by being my friend,
But in the next moment... I feel the guilt and anxiety of pain that I may cause to others!

I never meant to cause pain in anyone and my feelings and heart leave me torn all of the time.

What I do know is that I cannot hurt my babies! And what I do know is that I will never live with myself if I do!"

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December , 2008 3:32 PM

"K,

{there is some stuff about work and how he fired one of his employees}

I wish I would have been here. This is not the same, and I wish it could be in person

{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}

We will talk soon."

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As you can see it went from an angst ridden whatever to an email a week or so later where we were fine as if those earlier emails never happened. That is how it goes, and very often how it starts. If you find yourself in this situation you have to talk to the person doing this to you. If you cannot talk to them, GET OUT of the relationship! He/she needs individual help to deal with the abusive tendencies and if your relationship is worth saving then the two of you need couples therapy. But, that couples therapy will not work if the one abusing you does not seek help first! Please do not deny that this is happening to you; please do not make excuses for the person doing it, it hurts not only you but them as well!

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