These Hard Times

"All we need is some relief" YEP!!!!


"Say Goodbye
These days are gone
We can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times"

Let go...say goodbye....give it up and try to find peace....the hard times are over....memories are all there is and holding onto the negative loses the positive. Good Theory -- I need to put it into action!!!!!!!!

HATE

Hatred seeps through my heart and gushes into my veins. I HATE HIM! For so long now I have done my best to keep my feelings pushed down, not allowing them to surface. Unwilling to face the unbearable pain that hatred brings.

B just wanted me to face my grief; she had no idea what was bubbling underneath. The hot, molten liquid that is hatred and grief mixed into a cocktail that I cannot handle. Now it is here, on the surface, strong and unbending. All afternoon I have been trying to get it back under control....it is not working. I want to find him. I want to hit him. I want to physically hit him. I hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE him.

It's not Christian....it's not appropriate to hate. Ya know what B said........I look down like I am filled with shame. I am. I am ashamed that I am so filled with this burning hatred, I am ashamed that my choices brought my to this place, I am ashamed at what I have become. And, I am ashamed that I cannot even grieve properly without hatred for Rob.....

I can't do this!!!

STOP judging me

The case made it on the dockets....again! July 11th we meet for the case management conference and schedule the final entry of judgment! WOOT!

This song provided by the thought of STOP judging me! Seriously, I am NOT doing anything wrong. "why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more...." I'll tell you why, because there are bigoted idiots out there who don't care about the story behind the process, all they care about is the end result is "wrong". No you buncha jerks, not this time!!!!! This is oh so right in all the eyes that matter.




And, here we go into angryville......oh boy. I'll try to control it and not take it out on the people who read this blog..............

I need a kick in the pants

So, I took the time and allowed Doodles to vote for the Kids Choice awards. I figure my TV may be permanently tuned into Nick so, why not. Ummmmm, he placed a vote for Kristen Stewart peeps. Ahhhhh, I would be worried if I did not realize how into vampires the kid is these days. Otherwise it was all Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.

Yes, I am aware that all of it could nothing but a bunch of procrastination. Giving into the boy so I do not have to finish my paper. There is only 4 more pages to write and I know it won't take that long to crank it out, but UGH -- don't wanna. I need a kick in the pants.

Gems like these

Doodles was dropped off a little while ago and we are watching Wizards of Waverly Place together...a wizard just told Alex and her werewolf boyfriend they had to break up.

Doodles, "It's their relationship. He needs to get out of their love life." Oh and the seriousness of it all was too much for me!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHA.....I am sorry, but it is gems like these that crack me up! He is 7 and spouting his disgust for nosiness already. And, the knowledge about relationships????? Not from me...one too many Nick a/o Disney TV shows I think...

Yep, he can make me laugh no matter how down I am!

"Perfect by Nature..."

Love for the broken heart...

Some do not understand my beliefs, especially with what I have gone through. It's hard for some to fathom my turning towards instead of away. When I am down, feeling so close to being out I know God hears me. Pain is physical, it is only going to be with me while I walk on this earth. I have an eternity of joy waiting for me; it's promised.

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart


I hope that you enjoy this song as much as I do....

The Great Big Whatever

I don't feel like it anymore. Are you wondering what "it" is....working, blogging, therapy, school...pretty much anything outside of Doodles - I don't feel like it.

Yes, I know that is not good. Holding everything inside is bad...blogging allows me to do purge of it all. But I am so sick of facing my feelings...that's normal, right? I hope that is normal...

Anyone who knows me will be shocked by my next statement.......I turned down the oppirtunity to join the mentoring program at work. I don't feel like it, so I said not right now. In a few months, I will probably kick my own butt -- but right now it gets a great big WHATEVER!

I am going to sit in my hotel room and eat my milk chocolate Dove candies..........maybe the whole bag. If I gain weight, who cares???? In awhile, I will -- but right now....Whatev!

Plateau of who the hell cares

Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, nightmares...to get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.

Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........

I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!

I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"

He responds, "she's our baby"

"Give her to me!"

Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....

B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!

We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.

Safety - B is very worried right now.......how bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.

Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.

We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.

The Tornado (siren) that Brought Peace

I have an important update...Blankie has been found!!! And, yes given back to the 7 year old because still to this day I get the whiney 'I want blankie' episodes. It has been 2 months and I am not super mom...I am WEAK!

Last night, we had strong storms. I went to get the boy and put him in my bed. I just thought it a good idea with tornado warnings and all that jazz going on. About 11:30ish the tornado sirens start going off......I have mentioned that I live in an upstairs, 2 bedroom apartment, right??? So, I did what any sane, rational (tired, overworked) mother would do and I moved my shoes....and what do I find behind the suitcase as I was tossing the shoes over there -- BLANKIE, woo hoo!!!! I made a little bed in the closet for us, and we went to sleep. That's not wrong is it??? No windows, interior of the house and my clothes protected our heads............ok, well sorta. Anyway, I digress...thank you tornado, you have brought peace to the household once again. Happiness to the mother, glee to the child, and an endless amount of 'do you really need blankie' days ahead. I thank you, from the bottom of my mothers heart I thank you!!!!

The storms were not too bad here. A few shingles off the roof. Nothing like my old neighborhood where there are reports of a tree on a roof and many fences missing.

Tears

Downward spiral...tears. Lots of tears. I cried on the way home from Bible study tonight...no rhyme or reason, just BAM! All of a sudden my vision is blurry with tears and they start to fall down my face. I have cried myself to sleep twice this week. I woke up last night with my pillow damp, the flow still going.

I am trying to stop the spiral. Listening to upbeat music. Working, working, working. Doing whatever I can to think those upbeat thoughts. I know what comes next...I am trying so hard to divert it.

Hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, until it gets so bleak......I am trying, but the tears won't stop.

The Unglamorous Travel Life

Being me has become difficult to the nth degree. Not because of the drama...let's just keep that on the back burner. I am entirely too busy to deal with those schmucks (thanks Julie, I forgot what a fun word that is) at the moment. Let's discuss work (WHAT???) I know, I don't talk about it much. So we have discussed my dastardly travel woos in the past....welllllllll, my calendar has become my mortal enemy! OK, maybe that is a little harsh.

My calendar and I are so not on speaking terms right now. It totally refuses to add days. I need a day or two to be added...not to every month, just to March and maybe April. Not my fault that some of those people I work with need a little TLC and they are located in various locations.

Scheduled Trips:

1. Florida - 4 days
2. Cincinnati - 1 day then onto Boston for 2 days
3. NYC - 4 days
4. Cincinnati - 3 days
5. Los Angeles - 4 days
6. Cincinnati - 4 days
   
7. NYC - 4 days
8. Canada - 5 days

All of these trips have purposes in place....Mondays are my school days. I need to fit in another trip to Boston. All of these trips are between now and the second week of April -- yeah, it doesn't compute for me either.......that is why I am just asking for another few days to be put in the month. OY!!! The next two months are going to be interesting to say the least. I am putting my calendar to bed and will wrestle with it again tomorrow.

Have I ever told you how much I adore people who tell me that I am so lucky to travel so much. This is the unglamorous side of travel. Between all of this air time I need to fit this guy in:



Parent/Teacher Conference tomorrow...........yes, I will be nice ;) Mommy is my most important job. The pay is WAAAAYYYYYY better! Seriously, this evening alone I have been told I am pretty, and received 3 kisses & 2 hugs. There is no better payment -- seriously, look at him!

The Boss

Mommy - "My sheet is ripped. You get all the good things in life"

Doodles - "Nuh uh, you do!"

Mommy - "yeah, I do! I get to kiss you."

Doodles - "Well yes. But you you get to be the BOSS and that is the best thing."

Mommy - "the boss is the best? nah, kissing and hugging you is the best"

Doodles - giggles and walks away (under his breathe) "being the boss is the best best"

Growth, Wireless Bravado or Stupidity

Growth, Wireless bravado or Stupidity??? Well now, we all know that my stupidity knows no bounds so pair that with a little wireless bravado and we get today's action packed scene.

I went to pick up Doodles, who incidentally was outside with no shoes or jacket, asked him where his jacket was in that 'I'm your mother and don't you dare answer just get your jacket' tone. Yeah, it is nice outside, but not nice enough for my 7 year old to play outside shoeless, no jacket in a short sleeve shirt.

A, decides that I am a bitch, tells me so and tells me to get the F#^* off his property. I tell him I am done with him hanging up on me and with his attitude, and I am there to get my child. He tells me to wait in my F'kn car. Fine! OK! I get Doodles booster seat ready and send a text to A letting him know that he better not ever pick my child up without a booster seat again because I will turn him in for child endangerment. There will be no extra outings, or extra days...and once the divorce is finalized that visitation schedule will be in force. I will not work with him at all.

I receive a message (outside of the text messages above) stating that "I have been controlling my temper very well! But if u think u r going to come into my house and act like a bitch u r totally wrong. You will never do that!"

To which I replied (once again hello stupidity alert) "what are you going to do rape me again? throw me against another wall? hit me again? don't try to scare me - you have already done it all and I am no longer afraid of you. I just don't want our kid to find out what type of jerk you really are."

Seriously, you want to know what started all of this...Doodles was supposed to have a boy scout banquet. I dropped him off at his father's before church. I received a message that Doodles threw a fit and was embarrassing and that A would never take him anywhere again. Further in our text conversation A tells me he is limited in on what he and his child can do together because of the way Doodles acts....he is not going to allow Doodles to embarrass him.

Here is a little tip -- be the father. OH Wait, I have already given that tip to him and he doesn't want to hear it. His house, his rules!!!!!

Supreme Dorkiness

Have you ever done something so boneheadedly stupid that you question that it was really you? Last Monday on the way to school I stopped at the ATM (at the bank located in the grocery store) to get cash for my trip this week. While on my trip I noticed that I did not have my bank card. I didn't think too much of it, but was kind of concerned that I left it visible in my car that was parked at the airport.

When I got back I looked in my car and it wasn't there. I still didn't think too much about it. Last night I looked all over my apartment for my bank card and could not find it. I took three deep breathes, decided I would look again in the morning. I looked this morning in my apartment and in the car. NO BANK CARD! I called the branch office and had a hold put on it. I inquired about the last few purchases....thankfully they were all mine. So, I ran my errands this morning. Come back home and look through the laundry again and everywhere I can think of for my bank card. No luck. I finally decide that this card is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

I go to the branch office at the grocery store because it is still open. While talking to the teller, I let her know what happened and pointed at the ATM and said that was the last place I saw it. She says to me, "hold on one second before I cancel this card. We have a card in the back, let me check." She comes back out with my card!!! YEP, I left it in the ATM machine.

I am such a supreme dork sometimes for such an intelligent girl. I cannot believe that I left my bank card in an ATM machine!!! Especially since in order to do that, I left the machine active in my account for who knows how long. Either a really honest person noticed or it timed out.

Hmmm....what's my lesson -- SLOW DOWN, nothing is so important that you need to move that quickly through life????

Spiritual Manipulation

There are things weighing on my mind. At therapy we talked about Spiritual Manipulation. B would like me to revist a few of the passages that have been used against me, warped. I've used this past week to think, to pray. I made an appointment with one of my Pastors. There is no way I can revisit those verses on my own. They agonize me in a way.

I do dread the conversation with my pastor explaining why I haven't read these verses. The backstory....UGH!

Letters of Intent: Theme Song

Letters of Intent Courtesy of Julie

Do you have a theme song? A song that you identify with more than any other...I do, its a song that I identify with. In 2002 I was probably at my loneliest. But, there was something under the surface; aching to break free. I had been fighting so long that part of me felt like there was nothing left to fight for. And then this song.....



Dear Self,

I know how hard it is not to give up. But you have to remember that there is always that voice...

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance There's a voice that calls,
"Remember who you are... if you lose yourself,
Your courage soon will follow,
So be strong tonight... remember who you are"

Yeah, your a soldier now,
Fighting in a battle,
To be free once more.
Yeah, that's worth fighting for

There is so many positive things in your life, that the little battles are worth it. Freeing yourself from isolation and fear is so worth that fight. What others say, that doesn't really matter...you are worth it. You have to remember that.

Sincerely,
learning to love myself

Snow Days

My patience is being tested with all these snow days...BUT WAIT -- not really. My trip this week was canceled so I get to spend lots of extra time with my Doodles. Yeah, by the end of the day we are both on our last nerves, but at the beginning we are so good! I may not be the happiest camper that school it out and I can't work, education is important! But I have a sword fight to get back to...catch ya on the flip side

image from CVG

Yeah, we will get to some educational stuff later.........

Letters of Intent: It's all good in the end

Dearest HR,

I am ever so respectfully asking, no begging, that you communicate with the employees. C'MON - 2 letters in a month written specifically to you, both regarding the word communicate. That to me seems a tad on the ridiculous side! Remember the whole unfortunate prescription issue...now you have rejected my review because YOU want something different. May I be the first to remind yo that this system was put in place two years ago and you came around and trained all of us. I remember and I followed through on my part, or thought I had. When you want changes made to a system you gave formal training on you need to communicate that in some way. Seriously, draft a memo at least. Have a paper trail or something! I am unable to read your mind. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not the only one unable to read the minds of others and this is a corporate wide issue. Maybe when you have had to kick-back more than 75% of the annual performance evaluations for the same or similar reasons, you should have seen the problem.

Best Regards,
The employee who knows communicating is not a deadly disease

Dear Boss,

Thank you for being the most understanding boss in the world. I know that listening to me whine is not always easy. Thank you for believing in me and giving me a shot at this job. I know you tell me that it is you who should thank me, but I really appreciate the opportunity.

Sincerely,
The employee who will not let you down

Doodles:

I love you. You are my reason for being. I know that the last few months have been hard and that mommy has been really busy with work. I also know how hard it is for you that mommy has to travel as much as she does. Just a few more months and it will settle down. You are the most understanding, wonderful son I could ever ask for. I am so thankful for you!!!!

Love,
the mommy who loves you to the moon and back

Carbon Footprint

Carbon Footprint...I have a large one today. Sorry planet. It is 5:05 am and I have been sitting at the airport for awhile waiting on my flight to board. Early morning flights are the worst, but today is a must because it's in, meeting and home. See, hello how many plastic bottles do I have to recycle just to make up for today?!?!?

I am super tired, when I am tired my mind races a bazillion miles a minute. I am going to Canada next week. Is it still winter? I am sure that I told everyone who would listen that Canada was off limits until the spring. But, those punks lured me up there with the promise of Tim Horton's and a hockey game. I am such a sucker. Then I am headed off to DC...if I make it back from Canada (we all know me and travel, my one week trip may last 2). Then -- well, let's just say that I travel every week starting next week until the week of April 8th. Feb and Mar are going to be crazy!!!

(I am sitting here wondering why an NFL coach is at my gate -- it's not the coach of the NFL team in my town...it's a team from the West Coast. Oh the people you see at 5 in the morning at the airport - I am headed to Cincinnati)

anyways...the next to months I should have some weird and wacky travel stories for you.........I can't concentrate any longer. its all football now and we are getting ready to board soon.

CONTINUATION: Its now 5:30 pm and I am sitting at the airport. Still tired, but less groggy :) Are you ready for more travel woes...I tell you these things so that you know that if I am traveling you either (a) don't travel or (b) do not travel on the same air line as I. You're welcome, love you too!

I arrived at the airport around 2 EST in order to get through security and make my 4:10 pm flight. Optimism ran high, looking forward to getting home in time to pick up Doodles and let him know about my day in Cincinnati, OH. I arrive to my gate and work a little. Around 3:15, as I glance up at the LCD screen the flight time says 4:30 departure, where seconds ago it stated 4:10. Minutes later it changes to 5:35, and then goes blank and pops up with the next flight scheduled to leave out of that gate. Confused I get up to check with the gate agent. No, there has not been a gate change, but there is no update on the flight. They will inform us when they hear something.

Around 5:00 an announcement comes over that the maintenance was taking much longer than expected and the departure time has been pushed back to 8:30. If the passengers would come to the desk and get a meal voucher they will update us when they have more information. I start towards the gate agent and see that there is one who is not busy at the next gate over. Skipping the meal voucher, expense report what do I care about a voucher there is more pressing things on my mind, I ask the gate agent about other flights to my hometown. (See, I have been thru this here delay thing before, remember Miami???) There is one flight and it is nearly full. The gate agent protects a seat for me in case something goes wrong on my original flight. I thank her and walk away to get some dinner.

As I get to the food court an announcement. Flight XXXX to XXX has been cancelled would all passengers please report to gate B12 for re-booking. I head over to B12. In line there are numerous passengers all awaiting news on new flights. (there is a lot of angry people at the airport...I really hope that I am never that angry) Some heading through Atlanta, some hoping to get on the 8:35 flight (that I already know was close to full), and some just hoping to be re-reouted tonight. The woman a few people in front of me get booked on a flight tomorrow at 9:00 am, the gentleman directly in front of me was trying to get on a flight through Atlanta - not sure how it turned out I was done before he was, the man behind me was hoping to do the same thing that I do (I wished him luck). I walked up to the counter, showed my boarding pass and told them I should have a protected seat on the nonstop to my home airport. The re-booking agent confirmed that I had a seat, printed my boarding pass and wished me a good flight -- all done within 2 minutes. There were looks of "How", "what", "oh my goodness"...I wasn't kidding when I told them I was getting on the 8:35 flight, even the lady in front of me told me that she couldn't get on so I couldn't - I just shrugged. Yep, there were a few looks of outrage...but there were also a few 'dang you're good' looks.

See, all those travel woes....they teach ya how to have a back-up plan :-) Yep, I'm getting home tonight and I cannot say that for everyone that thought they were.........I wish all of them well and safe travels!!!

Round 2, Part 2 & a lil bit of Perseverance

Let the games begin, again! Paperwork is signed, again. It is heading to the courthouse by the end of this week, again -- wait different courthouse but same premise so I am going to stick with the again.

Does it ever feel like you are a character in that movie Groundhogs Day? I feel like this when it comes to this divorce.....this never-ending divorce that I am trying to get. (Seriously, those who say divorce is easy please point that train at me so I can hop off in easy town...trust me when I tell you that there is nothing easy about it! Not the decision to go through with it. Not the paperwork that needs to be done. Not the division of property. Not the parenting plan. Not the healing. There is NOTHING easy about divorce!)

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Fall seven times, stand up eight" Japanese Proverb

It was once said of me that I am the girl who can take a million punches, stand up and ask for another. There was a point when I thought I was down for the count...I clung to the tiniest of threads. I am not completely back, I may never be back to myself, but you can knock me down but you won't knock me out! I was blessed with an amazing internal strength that will pick me up even when I don't think I can. That's what I have learned about myself in the last 3 years...now I just have to learn to heal.

Weekends

It has been a really long weekend. Have I ever confessed to you all how much I really do not like the weekend? And now that I do not go into the office on Mondays, eeeeccchhhhh is all I have to say. Why does Tuesday take so long to get here?

I wrote my paper on Saturday in an hour and a half. It is 4 pages and I am pretty confident that it does not completely suck. Why am I confident, because I wrote about my job. Is that cheating? Well, I don't care! I love my job...I feel so good about myself when I put on those work clothes and that badge that gives me an identity. And ya know what, I had my review last week......reinforces that I ROCK! Where else in my life does anyone else depend on me and actually lets me know that I cannot leave them because they would be at a loss. Now, because I am nothing if not a realist, I know that it is a corporation and they would be just fine....but its nice to know that they think they would miss me and my abilities :)

I went to church yesterday and I tried very hard to push back that anxiety. Ya know what doesn't help? The Bible Study we are doing. Currently we are doing a Bible Study on Marriage...it is great that my Church is doing that, and the study itself is actually very good. But some of the people in that study are completely and ridiculously judgmental and it is TOTALLY non-Christian like. Why would anyone open up and tell some of those people they are having issues in their marriage??? So they can be judged? No, that is not our jobs as human beings. Our purpose is to be kind, loving and spread the word of forgiveness. I look around and I wonder how many of them are putting on a show, how many of them are being emotionally murdered but won't say anything, how many of them are close to spiritual suicide...and I wonder if possibly a kind, understanding word from someone would help make sure that those things do not happen, or stop happening to that person(s). It is a good Bible Study, and one I will stick out until the end...I hope that people are hearing themselves and hearing what the Pastor is saying and learning not just about marriage but acceptance.

Well, I am pretty close to done with homework...I have some things that can be done from home. (maybe I am a workaholic, I can deal with that there are worse things in life). Therapy is in a few hours...hmmmm

Pour Your Heart Out: Mommy-Guilt

Courtesy of Shell


Mommy-guilt. I have an acute case of guilt, the mommy kind. I have the best son ever (no bias here)...I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this kid more than anything, but...

my miracle

There are times when my 7 year-old acts more like an adult than I want. I do not want him to grow up too soon, but he is and it's my fault. There are days when I cannot get out of bed because it is just too much work. Doodles knows how to make himself a PB&J or a hot dog in the microwave. There are days when my head hurts so much that moving is not an option. Doodles can get my heat pack warmed up and a wash cloth for my head. There are days when all I can do is cry. Doodles takes care of me.

That is not the way this relationship is supposed to work - I'm the parent. I should be taking care of him, getting his lunch, making sure he plays. He should never have to take care of me. Doodles should be able to be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

no, he was not taking care of me here, 2 and my lil helper, but it feels like this is what I make him do for me.

There are times when my 7 year-old talks to himself. In school, at home, on the playground...talking/singing to himself is how he regulates his emotions. If he is too tired, too stimulated, too nervous, too anxious that talking just gets louder. People are going to look at him like he is insane...but he isn't, he is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. I don't know what to do; as he gets older I don't know how to explain that others do not understand.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - he's supposed to be carefree. I cannot help but have a huge amount of guilt. Did I do this to him by pushing this divorce forward? Do I do this to him by being the way I am? Would he be more well adjusted if he didn't have so many changes in the last year and half? Do I travel too much? Doodles should be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

yep, takes pictures of himself

There are times when my 7 year-old is just that, a loud, rambunctious, crazy kid. And, I lose my temper. I yell, and that harms my Doodles. He is so sensitive and he has issues with his hearing sensors, and I yell. I hate that about myself.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - I'm the mommy. I should have patience and understanding for my baby boy. I cannot stand to lose it with him; he is just being a kid. That wonderful, beautiful little boy that I want him to be.


I have so much mommy-guilt and it eats away at me. Doodles and I are so close. I want so much for him!!! Mostly, I just want him to be happy because I love that kid! He wants to go to a hockey game...I need to stop making excuses and take him.


"I love you

And that's all I know"
lyrics from Five for Fighting All I know
from Chicken Little - scene between dad and Chicken Little...



"There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you"
Miracle - Celine Dion

True Story Tuesday: Travel FAIL

True Story Tuesday brought to us by Rachel and Mr. Daddy

It has been awhile since we shared a laugh over my misadventures in traveland...not because there have not been any, but because I have been crazy busy and my mind has been occupied with other things. Well, today my friends, was something special!


I woke up this morning late, if a person can consider 3:45 am late. This morning it was! My flight was boarding at 5:50 am, and I had last minute things to do this morning. (Class last night didn't end until a little after 10:00 pm and I had to pack). After a very fast shower, I grabbed my things and rushed to my car; It was 4:59 am. I get to the only stop light between me and the highway that actually works before 6 in the morning and it is red. Still red...c'mon it has been 3 minutes and that dumb light is still red?!?!?! I take a look at the time, and decide I am going to work around the light. I start reversing the car, and the light changes...yep, should have told me how this day was going to go.

I arrive at the airport terminal at 5:27 am. I look at the line waiting for security.......maybe it won't be so bad. Thankfully, TSA opened up another gate. I got through security by 5:43 am, only to find out my gate was WAY at the end of the terminal. I walked, quickly, through the airport and got to the gate as they were calling my boarding group. WHEW...no worries!!! Heading to Miami and there will not be delays out of there, so I should get to my final destination without a problem.

Landing at Miami International airport, I check my phone as we are taxing to the gate. A message from my mother, "your airline called and said your flight out of Miami was canceled. They have you re-booked." WHAT? Canceled?!?! That is way worse than delayed. Oh my, what am I going to find when I get off of this plane?

I get to the customer service counter and kindly ask what flight I have been booked on. Answer, we have you booked on a flight to Hartford (BDL) tomorrow morning. Ummm, excuse me - is there anything out today? Well, we could put you on a flight to San Juan which has a connecting flight to BDL at 7:00 pm. But, {there is always a but when I travel} so far everything into and out of BDL has been canceled. HA! Needless to say, I didn't feel like getting stuck in Puerto Rico...hard to explain on an expense report. I am a problem solver I will figure something out. LaGuardia...flights are being canceled and the ones that are not are full. JFK...full of passengers originally destined for LGA, and delayed! Boston...we all remember how much I love Logan International right (and the fact I got smacked there)??? Yeah, my boss said no way is he allowing me to fly into Boston and drive down to Bridgeport, CT. Too dangerous. Hmmmm -- thats like all the airports that are within driving distance that have flights out of Miami.

Miami is sunny, 70 degrees. I was on standby for the flight tomorrow...did I really want to be stuck in Miami for possibly 2 days? The weather in CT doesn't look so hot for the traveler in me (you know the one: delays, cancellations). So, I re-booked a flight back to St Louis.

Yep, thanks for the Frequent Flyer Miles! I spent 6 hours in the air today...and didn't get anywhere. DOES THAT HAPPEN???? I mean I have been on same day trips, but there is usually a business meeting or something. Is it just me that can get on an airplane and end up where she started without accomplishing anything, not even a picture? Travel FAIL!!!!!

Yes, once again Hello I am the unluckiest traveler EVAH ;)

Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Belief

I had therapy today and we did an exercise that sorta blew my mind. I mean, I know that I have deep feelings about situations and I know that there is stuff going on in there....but I did not realize it was just as out of whack as it is.

I am such a mess!!!!!

So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...

The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.

The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer

The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)

The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.

So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.

Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.

Need

As children our needs are basic; a place to play, food, drink, clothes, love and mommy/daddy to kiss the boo boos. Our needs expand and change as we get older.

Need is such a complicated emotion for me. It is so hard for me to admit my need. I have heard from a young age that I was strong, that I could handle whatever was thrown at me. Needing another person was something that has been pushed aside. I was a teenager when I learned not to lean on others. I was 3o before I finally felt that gut-wrenching feeling of needing another human being. I am almost positive that I never told that person that I needed friendship, needed to not be a burden, needed to not feel worthless, needed that person to just be there. It may not have changed a thing, but the thing about holding feelings in is the 'what if' that makes a person wonder.

Robert Henri said "Cherish your own emotions and never undervalue them". I am so guilty of undervaluing my own emotions, and believing that no one wants to know what is in my heart. People want to believe the facade. It is so much easier to look at me, and believe that I am living the dream. That I have very few, if any, problems. It is a much more simplistic outlook to take the book and just read the cover; what's inside the book may be complicated and messy. Maybe if I learn how to embrace and cherish my own emotions it would be easier to share them with others.

I guess, until then I will live with the what ifs in my life.

Leters of Intent - the headache version

Dear HR,

When we have a change in our policy that is going to affect prescription medications, it would be appreciated if you could give us a heads up. I know it is not up to you to ensure that we get our medications in a timely fashion, but my attendance is of some importance to you, my boss and me. Thanks for that!!!!

Sincerely,
the girl with the headache

Dearest Insurance Company:

When a doctor calls and gives the prior authorization for a medication, do you think that you can turn that around in a timely manner? These are MEDICATIONS!!! I don't mind spending your money, but I really don't want to waste time in the emergency room.

Sincerely,
member with a headache that is only getting worse

Oh so tired...

I am so tired today. It is as if someone unplugged me and the battery has run out....I have gotten slower and slower as the day has gone on. Not helping is the headache that my body has tried valiantly to fight is getting stronger as the minutes pass. I would like to send a very special thank you to my insurance provider, without whom I may have been able to get my prescription refilled in a timely fashion and I may not have this headache.

UGH, what a very special surprise that was this week. UMMMMM, you need a prior authorization to fill this medicine that you have been getting for the last 2 years. New plan year in effect, take a deep breathe, calm....seriously!!!!! Well, hmm good news is I don't leave for my business trip until Tuesday, maybe I will have it by then. Bad news is that my weekend will be so fun-filled.....NOPE, not gonna stand up to em I am so going into the emergency room. Take that insurance company!

I did go and get Doodles some mid-term you are doing awesome in school presents. I KNOW Christmas was a few weeks ago...but I try to do something in the middle of the school year and at the end - as long as the kid is getting good grades (don't giggle, first graders get grades, sorta). Doodles got his report card and he is well above where he should be in reading and in math. Yay! The only place for concern is his behavior in music class...."it's too loud mommy". Well, I don't know what to do about it except talk to him about doing better and making good choices. With his ear problem and that pesky autism thing hanging over his head noise is an issue -- more so the ear problems I think, since there is still no definitive answers on the Aspergers. Anyways, I got him 2 video games for his DSi. In a few more grades it will be cash for grades now won't it. I will get the shopping in while I can. (HA! I laughed at that considering shopping and I are not on the best terms).

I am still on the exercise track. Not running very far, but my knee has not given out. The lungs are still burning like crazy from the cold.......I need to run inside until this spring HEHEHE But hey, two weeks and I haven't given up yet....well today is a no show --- way too tired. Still, go me! :)

Burden

SIGH.........burden. Six letters, not a big word, not a particularly hard word until you say it out loud. It gets to be an even bigger word when you are asked if you feel as if you are a burden; if you feel as though when you go into therapy you are burdening someone...and because you promised yourself you would be honest you reply in the affirmative.

Words. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. Those words take root. If they are words of kindness and love they take root, grow, flower and strengthen a person. When they are words of ugliness those words take root, grow thorny bushes of pain that weaken.

Actions. What a person does backs up those words. Cultivating the garden of a heart, a mind, a soul....friend, spouse, child. Actions help those flowers of love grow and strengthen or they reinforce the growth of vine and thorns.

Burden. Such a hopeless, horrible feeling. Knowing that this is how you have been viewed. Fearing being viewed like this again. Better to have everyone at arms length. Best to have others ask for your assistance and not ask for anything. Keeping the tears and the pain inside.

Strength. Such confidence when defending others. So strong and sure that everyone else is worthy, kind, wonderful...so willing to stand up for them. So unwilling to stand up for yourself for fear of bothering someone.

Call Me Crazy, and You are...

So, ya know how a therapist will tell you never to call someone crazy or insane or some other term that may be construed as derogatory???? I am certifiable!!!! Pick up the phone, type it out or just think it but this girl has hoped off the train and has made her homestead in crazy town. Seriously, I think I may be running for Mayor by the time its all said and done!!!

I had orientation and the first class today. Oh yeah....the Communications Cluster is done first to see who can hang and who can't. OMG, what did I get myself into? Am I going to be able to do this with everything else that I have going on? PSSSSHHHHH, Whatev....of course I can hang. I live in crazy town!

FOCUS...that is what I am going to tell myself. Focus. I have a supportive boss at work who wants this degree out of the way as quickly as I do. Doodles is supportive, well as supportive as he can be with as much as he understands. I CAN DO THIS....I am already crazy, what's a little more insanity but a little added dash of fun, right?

So....it's ok, it's all right, you can call me Crazy!!!! Nicetameetcha..... :)