It has been how long??

I actually cannot believe that I am putting words down. It seems like forever since I have written. My life has changed so much since the last time I even visited this page. Back then, my voice had been completely stolen. What had been an outlet for my thoughts, my feelings was ripped away. Now, there is no one to do that. 

I went into a pretty deep isolation. For me, I got all of the social interaction I required at work. Even then, I convinced the powers that be that I could work from home the majority of the time. There have been both positive and negative consequences to this...

By pushing people away and not letting people in, I have been able to heal in a way I had not before. I have learned through all of this that I am stronger than I thought. I have learned that I can stand on my own; not because it is expected of me through unreasonable expectations, but because I have an inner strength that gets me through. I am learning (still working on this one a little bit) that it is ok to not be perfect. My "flaws" are a part of who I am. Everything I have gone through has made me into the person that I am. It is ok to admit that I am not perfect, that perhaps I need help, that maybe I need to talk to someone sometimes......  AND, it is ok to forgive myself. Previously I was forgiving everyone else, but still holding all of this pain and negativity inside of myself. It is so easy to forgive everyone else, yet so hard to forgive me. Letting go is an important step.

On the other hand, by isolating myself keeping people at arms length is now the norm, instead of something I would do because there seems to be "something off". I recently tried very hard to let someone in, it did not go well. I don't "friend" well anymore -- or at all. My anxiety is through the charts -- why o why is there not a how to on this whole damn thing?  (I used to be a good friend I thought, apparently I am soooo wrong if this is any indication on my friend skills...)

So, there is not as much drama in my life. I think I have successfully removed all but the day-to-day little stuff that everyone has. Whereas I continue to have side-effects of my life, they do not affect me as much as they once did. I have been broken to itty-bitty pieces. There were no kings horses, or kings men...but those that were there helped find as many pieces as they could, and I put them together the best I could.  There is some missing, some loose, and some might be out of place --- but I survive and I am able to smile more often than cry.

Other updates....I finished college since I have last written.  I not only finished my BS, I decided to get my MBA while I was at it.  I mean why not?!?!?  Doodles has gotten so big, that is just a mess....I would keep him 2 if I could.  He is like the best teenager ever, so there is that.