It has been a really long weekend. Have I ever confessed to you all how much I really do not like the weekend? And now that I do not go into the office on Mondays, eeeeccchhhhh is all I have to say. Why does Tuesday take so long to get here?
I wrote my paper on Saturday in an hour and a half. It is 4 pages and I am pretty confident that it does not completely suck. Why am I confident, because I wrote about my job. Is that cheating? Well, I don't care! I love my job...I feel so good about myself when I put on those work clothes and that badge that gives me an identity. And ya know what, I had my review last week......reinforces that I ROCK! Where else in my life does anyone else depend on me and actually lets me know that I cannot leave them because they would be at a loss. Now, because I am nothing if not a realist, I know that it is a corporation and they would be just fine....but its nice to know that they think they would miss me and my abilities :)
I went to church yesterday and I tried very hard to push back that anxiety. Ya know what doesn't help? The Bible Study we are doing. Currently we are doing a Bible Study on Marriage...it is great that my Church is doing that, and the study itself is actually very good. But some of the people in that study are completely and ridiculously judgmental and it is TOTALLY non-Christian like. Why would anyone open up and tell some of those people they are having issues in their marriage??? So they can be judged? No, that is not our jobs as human beings. Our purpose is to be kind, loving and spread the word of forgiveness. I look around and I wonder how many of them are putting on a show, how many of them are being emotionally murdered but won't say anything, how many of them are close to spiritual suicide...and I wonder if possibly a kind, understanding word from someone would help make sure that those things do not happen, or stop happening to that person(s). It is a good Bible Study, and one I will stick out until the end...I hope that people are hearing themselves and hearing what the Pastor is saying and learning not just about marriage but acceptance.
Well, I am pretty close to done with homework...I have some things that can be done from home. (maybe I am a workaholic, I can deal with that there are worse things in life). Therapy is in a few hours...hmmmm
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, October 15, 2010
Marriage, the long story
I have given you the short story, but since it is all fresh it is time to come clean and be open with you about my marriage. I would love to tell you a story about birds singing, butterflies, happiness and happily ever after but this is where I am honest. The thing to remember is I am so blessed - I have Doodles and I have an inexplicable ability to forgive, that is my gift.
He walked in one Sunday afternoon shortly before closing and I asked if I could help him find anything. He wanted something new to listen to so I suggested a few new bands that had come out. He bought them and I kicked him out of the store, we were closing and I was nothing if not in a hurry to get home. I was 18. He came back a few weeks later and one of the guys asked if I was going to have another one (i had a stalker, it was bad but got taken care of). I shrugged and waited to see if he was going to come into the store with his friend. They did and he asked me to go out bowling with them, I was going to say no but they convinced me by telling me 2 of my friends from the mall I worked at were going.
We were seeing each other for a few weeks and I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was planning on staying that way until my wedding day. I would understand if that was not something he was interested in and if he didn't want to pursue a relationship knowing the limitations on the intimacy. He said he was ok with it and we continued to see each other. My birthday came and went. At the end of April he asked me to meet him at his place. I said ok; when I got there we sat to watch a movie. I asked where everyone was. He told me that they all canceled at the last minute, it was just the two of us. I was uncomfortable, but it was just a movie. He started messing with me and I told him I was not comfortable with that and asked him to stop. One thing lead to another and he did not stop. I kept saying no and he kept going. I was crying and pushing...he pushed back until my virginity was no more. He rolled away from me and I got up, pulled my clothes on and went home in shock.
He called me the next day and told me that I could be pregnant. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that my beliefs told me that I had to marry him now. I couldn't deny anything he said. Inside it was as if I had deflated...all I could think was he is right, if I do not stay with him I am a whore. Every time I found out I was not pregnant he pushed himself on me. For almost a year I lived this way. Until Feb when we had the accident.
I finally started to think in that hospital room. I almost lost my life...I am worth more than this! No one will think I am a whore because I was raped, no one needs to know I was raped...I had sex with one man! I am going to be fine. I need to break free of this. I was gaining strength inside. But, getting out of the hospital......that was another fine mess.
As soon as I started physical therapy he moved up to Wisconsin in with my parents. I stayed in Illinois to complete my therapy and to pack our stuff. We were moving. When I arrived in Wisconsin I was busy trying to find a job and get on my feet. June came and my mom and him sat me down and told me the wedding was planned and paid for all I had to do was go buy a dress. My mom was taking me that next weekend. Wait, I told you that I wanted to postpone this...possibly cancel. Why is this planned???? Paid for???? So, I was swept along from recovering from my accident (did I mention I almost died) to getting married in 6 months.
About a month after my little sister and I were talking and she told me about him and my older sister. What did they do? They had sex while we lived in Illinois? OMG!!!! I am married to him. I cannot do anything about this now.
He continued to force me to be with him. I was his wife and I did my wifely duty. It was not good. About a year into my marriage someone came into our apartment and forced himself on me. This man had a knife and it was so scary. Turned out that this was one of his "friends" from the bar. Oh, he was liking the big city life. Awhile after that traumatic incident, he forgot to pick me up at work. I was working in a little town about 8 miles from our town. The walk was down a country highway that was not at all busy in the middle of the night. I worked second shift. After work I tried to get in touch with him to no avail. Everyone was gone so I walked. About halfway home this car started creeping behind me. I walked faster, I ran. The man ran after me, tackled me in a corn field. He had his face covered so I do not know who it was. The next morning he asked me how my walk home was. I will never know if he was behind it, but I believe that he was in the car. After this I became very obsessed with STDs. I went everywhere to get tested. I paid out of pocket. It was insane! Until my doctor calmed me down and told me she would test me yearly.........I still get tested. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable knowing that this didn't do physical damage.
Anyway...I put him through college. I found a job that I enjoyed. When he got out it was supposed to be my turn to go back to school. When he noticed that I was starting to get friends, enjoying my job he announced that we were moving. I didn't have a choice!!!! He had already quit his job and found a new one. For years we moved every time I got comfortable in a place until we landed in the St Louis Metro area.
Here I got a good job. One I ended up loving. I was gaining courage and strength, friends. He noticed and that is when he told me it was ok for us to have a child. My one wish. After Doodles was born, he was the backbone I needed. There was only one more act of sexual abuse in our relationship and I put my foot down. There will be no more abuse in that household. As the days went by I became more and more frightened. When was he going to snap?
One day he came home and told me he would never touch me again, threw his wallet (at me or the table, you decide) and went to bed. I looked and inside was a receipt for a hotel room for the night before. He obviously didn't sleep. I put it on the table for when he woke up. Later that day I pointed to it and he said he was seeing someone else and he would never touch me again. He was not going to have me freaking out again. {for as crappy of a husband/man as he was he at least had enough respect for me to not touch me when he was with someone else}. I put up with it...he was respecting me and our child needed a father, even if it was only so so. I put up with it until he quit his job as an engineer and started working at the bar full time. I put up with it until I couldn't pay the bills any longer because he was not giving me his paychecks.
I told him that I was done. Adultery is the one reason that my faith gives me to divorce him. I had put up with it for almost 2 years and now I am done. I cannot pay our bills and that is ridiculous. He left and moved in with his girlfriend leaving me with a house payment, the car that was not paid off and all of the outstanding bills. The house was foreclosed on...I didn't even get all of our stuff moved out before they locked it up. I declared bankruptcy because it was impossible to pay for everything that was left sitting in my lap. That shames me...I am self-sufficient, but I just couldn't!
My marriage was not pretty, but for 12 years I put on a happy face for the public and I danced the dance of perfection. On my 15 year wedding anniversary I finally was able to file my divorce papers with the courts....yes, it took 2 almost 3 years for him to agree to sign the paperwork to legalize letting me go. And he only did once I agreed to move closer to him and away from where I was comfortable. Control until the very end....and beyond.
Yes, I forgave everything that happened and I can now see why I agreed to go on that first date. I can remember what a nice person he was He violated my body but he never really violated what really matters. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to forgive.
There is more...but 15 years is a lot of stuff. This covers most of the bad and the ugly.
He walked in one Sunday afternoon shortly before closing and I asked if I could help him find anything. He wanted something new to listen to so I suggested a few new bands that had come out. He bought them and I kicked him out of the store, we were closing and I was nothing if not in a hurry to get home. I was 18. He came back a few weeks later and one of the guys asked if I was going to have another one (i had a stalker, it was bad but got taken care of). I shrugged and waited to see if he was going to come into the store with his friend. They did and he asked me to go out bowling with them, I was going to say no but they convinced me by telling me 2 of my friends from the mall I worked at were going.
We were seeing each other for a few weeks and I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was planning on staying that way until my wedding day. I would understand if that was not something he was interested in and if he didn't want to pursue a relationship knowing the limitations on the intimacy. He said he was ok with it and we continued to see each other. My birthday came and went. At the end of April he asked me to meet him at his place. I said ok; when I got there we sat to watch a movie. I asked where everyone was. He told me that they all canceled at the last minute, it was just the two of us. I was uncomfortable, but it was just a movie. He started messing with me and I told him I was not comfortable with that and asked him to stop. One thing lead to another and he did not stop. I kept saying no and he kept going. I was crying and pushing...he pushed back until my virginity was no more. He rolled away from me and I got up, pulled my clothes on and went home in shock.
He called me the next day and told me that I could be pregnant. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that my beliefs told me that I had to marry him now. I couldn't deny anything he said. Inside it was as if I had deflated...all I could think was he is right, if I do not stay with him I am a whore. Every time I found out I was not pregnant he pushed himself on me. For almost a year I lived this way. Until Feb when we had the accident.
I finally started to think in that hospital room. I almost lost my life...I am worth more than this! No one will think I am a whore because I was raped, no one needs to know I was raped...I had sex with one man! I am going to be fine. I need to break free of this. I was gaining strength inside. But, getting out of the hospital......that was another fine mess.
As soon as I started physical therapy he moved up to Wisconsin in with my parents. I stayed in Illinois to complete my therapy and to pack our stuff. We were moving. When I arrived in Wisconsin I was busy trying to find a job and get on my feet. June came and my mom and him sat me down and told me the wedding was planned and paid for all I had to do was go buy a dress. My mom was taking me that next weekend. Wait, I told you that I wanted to postpone this...possibly cancel. Why is this planned???? Paid for???? So, I was swept along from recovering from my accident (did I mention I almost died) to getting married in 6 months.
About a month after my little sister and I were talking and she told me about him and my older sister. What did they do? They had sex while we lived in Illinois? OMG!!!! I am married to him. I cannot do anything about this now.
He continued to force me to be with him. I was his wife and I did my wifely duty. It was not good. About a year into my marriage someone came into our apartment and forced himself on me. This man had a knife and it was so scary. Turned out that this was one of his "friends" from the bar. Oh, he was liking the big city life. Awhile after that traumatic incident, he forgot to pick me up at work. I was working in a little town about 8 miles from our town. The walk was down a country highway that was not at all busy in the middle of the night. I worked second shift. After work I tried to get in touch with him to no avail. Everyone was gone so I walked. About halfway home this car started creeping behind me. I walked faster, I ran. The man ran after me, tackled me in a corn field. He had his face covered so I do not know who it was. The next morning he asked me how my walk home was. I will never know if he was behind it, but I believe that he was in the car. After this I became very obsessed with STDs. I went everywhere to get tested. I paid out of pocket. It was insane! Until my doctor calmed me down and told me she would test me yearly.........I still get tested. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable knowing that this didn't do physical damage.
Anyway...I put him through college. I found a job that I enjoyed. When he got out it was supposed to be my turn to go back to school. When he noticed that I was starting to get friends, enjoying my job he announced that we were moving. I didn't have a choice!!!! He had already quit his job and found a new one. For years we moved every time I got comfortable in a place until we landed in the St Louis Metro area.
Here I got a good job. One I ended up loving. I was gaining courage and strength, friends. He noticed and that is when he told me it was ok for us to have a child. My one wish. After Doodles was born, he was the backbone I needed. There was only one more act of sexual abuse in our relationship and I put my foot down. There will be no more abuse in that household. As the days went by I became more and more frightened. When was he going to snap?
One day he came home and told me he would never touch me again, threw his wallet (at me or the table, you decide) and went to bed. I looked and inside was a receipt for a hotel room for the night before. He obviously didn't sleep. I put it on the table for when he woke up. Later that day I pointed to it and he said he was seeing someone else and he would never touch me again. He was not going to have me freaking out again. {for as crappy of a husband/man as he was he at least had enough respect for me to not touch me when he was with someone else}. I put up with it...he was respecting me and our child needed a father, even if it was only so so. I put up with it until he quit his job as an engineer and started working at the bar full time. I put up with it until I couldn't pay the bills any longer because he was not giving me his paychecks.
I told him that I was done. Adultery is the one reason that my faith gives me to divorce him. I had put up with it for almost 2 years and now I am done. I cannot pay our bills and that is ridiculous. He left and moved in with his girlfriend leaving me with a house payment, the car that was not paid off and all of the outstanding bills. The house was foreclosed on...I didn't even get all of our stuff moved out before they locked it up. I declared bankruptcy because it was impossible to pay for everything that was left sitting in my lap. That shames me...I am self-sufficient, but I just couldn't!
My marriage was not pretty, but for 12 years I put on a happy face for the public and I danced the dance of perfection. On my 15 year wedding anniversary I finally was able to file my divorce papers with the courts....yes, it took 2 almost 3 years for him to agree to sign the paperwork to legalize letting me go. And he only did once I agreed to move closer to him and away from where I was comfortable. Control until the very end....and beyond.
Yes, I forgave everything that happened and I can now see why I agreed to go on that first date. I can remember what a nice person he was He violated my body but he never really violated what really matters. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to forgive.
There is more...but 15 years is a lot of stuff. This covers most of the bad and the ugly.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Storms...
It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.
So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.
When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).
Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.
Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.
edited 10/2
So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.
When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).
Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.
Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.
edited 10/2
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Today
Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.
Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!
Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Strong Language Advisory...sorry
Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...
EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.
You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.
I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!
EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.
You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.
I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!
Friday, June 25, 2010
Children...
So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.
Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.
Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.
5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…
- Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
- Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
- Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
- Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
- Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sweet Cakes...ADVICE FROM GAGA????
(originally posted Tuesday 6/22/2010)
ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.
“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.
There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.
There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.
I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.
ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.
“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.
There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.
There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.
I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Miracle Baby
(originally posted 4/18/2010)
It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...
In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!
I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!
November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.
The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!
Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)
Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.
It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...
In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!
I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!
November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.
The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!
Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)
Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.
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