Understanding, or Lack Of

I often wonder why the world is such a cruel place. There is so much beauty to be enjoyed, but it is often overpowered by the unkindness that surrounds it. I don't understand lack of compassion, lack of understanding, and the level of caring that people have for others around them. I do not understand abuse, violence or cruelty. As someone who has lived through it, I still do not understand it...I honestly do not know if that is a good thing or not.

Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.

So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?

I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!