The M word

So, everything is scheduled to be turned off as of tomorrow. My TV/Internet is scheduled to come back on Wednesday between 2-4 CST. My laundry is working, dishes are done, counters are clean, cupboards are cleaned out enough for the movers, I have nice lil stacks of stuff for them to pack, all my books and a good portion of Doodles are packed and ready to go, I think I will disconnect the "entertainment system" {giggle, I should take a pix of it you would giggle too} and get that wiped down and ready, possible pack the movies and CDs......whatcha think should I pack the clothing or let the movers do it???? Last thing done will be unhooking the computer and my clock --- does it sound like I am ready? I'm not, there is always the bathroom.....UGH
My friend J stopped over to pick up the Smart Cycle (best money ever spent) and I found out her oldest plays soccer out in St Chuck OFTEN...so I will have sporting events to go to and Doodles best friend will be visiting often. YAY :)

UPDATE: It is 9:49 pm CST and I am absolutely exhausted. The bathroom is done and clean. the living room is as done as I am doing it as is everything else. You know what I realized, I am a horrible housekeeper...the dust was out of control!!! You know what else I realized my last meal was yesterday at lunchtime.

My cat is gonna FREAK when I get her stupid carrier out....HEHEHEHE I can't stand this animal. I keep her for Doodles. The fact that I get to keep her in there for an extended period of time thrills the part of me that cannot stand this cat (think hair balls eeeccckkkkhhhhh) to no end; the other part, the cat lover, feels kinda sorry for her........

awww poor kitty :)

Maybe I should follow my own advice...

All I have to do is open my planner and look...


RECOGNIZE strength
ACKNOWLEDGE weakness
OVERCOME weakness by utilizing strengths

Thank you my friend!

There are some really great people in the world. I am so thankful for those people! You know who I'm talking about!!! The following is for you...there has been a lot of debate of who actually wrote this poem, numerous people have claimed it and I do not have access to the copyright information (if there is any for it). So, I am going to go with the majority and say AUTHOR UNKNOWN -- whomever wrote it, it's beautiful and poignant, good job!

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news....I caught up on Project Runway last night. I cannot stand Gretchen and want her booted off the show. UGH! That means she will be around all season and will probably win.

Now I am gonna go and tackle my room and get it ready for the movers. (The dreaded M word)

Procrastination...

definition -- ME. But I started on Doodles room about a half hour ago.

Is it mean that I have thrown away a lamp and have half a garbage bag full of trash???? I need to move every few years just to cull out the crap I let people get away with giving that child. I stopped because I hurt my finger and he caught on to the trash fest. I am giving him to his dad tomorrow until the movers take me to the new apartment. Doodles won't miss a thing....if he does, I forgot it :) MEANEST MOM EVAH....no one takes my crown {insert evil laugh here}


I just had a whistle blown in my ear, comment "Mommy, I'm random"....I'm gonna go get some chocolate and a Pepsi!!!! You figure out my kid, give me a jingle ok????

UPDATE: I gave away all of Doodles mega legos. I don't want to hear it, they have been in his closet for over a year. I threw the rest of his blocks away...ditto not wanting to hear about it. I also threw away a good portion of his toys that were just not needed -- I should have gone through that box he packed, but ho hum. I am giving away his smart cycle to a friend. I convinced him he has his Wii, besides he is too old for the Smart Cycle. {I highly recommend that thing...best money spent!!!} Doodles room -- ready for the movers!!!!! Yes, he agreed to the giveaway and trash fest ---- YAY the power of mommy!!!!

PATHETIC IDIOT ALERT

If you read the following, please do yourself a favor, get your barf bags, take some anti-nausea medication, something to help ya out with the disgusting display that is to follow. (I started cleaning and packing, but I have a serious case of procrastination going on...found, read and now you can be as disgusted as I am...know that I love you all so turn back now!!!)


"We are together because it is right! We can be ourselves, no barriers. Free to let down our guard and just be. It is not about the sex, it is about the emotion and the intimacy that we feel. When we are together in our bubble there is no judgment, no feelings of not being good enough. All there is is a feeling of contentment, safety and rightness. But, it does appear that what we are doing is wrong after walking away. But people shouldn't judge us because of how we communicate - this is how we make it known to each other that everything is OK, that we are OK, we re-charge ourselves. It is a twist of irony that we would meet at this time in our lives but also that it may be why we are together right now. When I talk to you, when I get an email, the desire starts to build, the bubble starts to expand. How healthy would it be for us to ignore it? It would build and expand and we would get frustrated and unhappy."

OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a pile of horseshit...I cannot believe that I fell for that line of BS, or that I allowed anyone to say that crap to me and I didn't walk away...It's perfectly alright for you all to laugh and tell me what a pathetic idiot I am......I admit that after reading it -- PATHETIC IDIOT ALERT, right here!

edited 10/2

the M word

it is a filthy word!!!! I do not want to hear it! NO, I have not done anything today...welllll I went to work, picked up Doodles (hello hella commute today -- did we all forget how to drive???), went for minimal groceries, hung with me kid.........but I did NOTHING for the M word.

I am hatin this move. nasty four letter word!

Problem Girl???

Listen...Enjoy...and then if you would think for a moment...


Rob Thomas, Problem Girl

Is there a place in your life that you feel you are always a problem? You can do nothing right? And then there is this other place in your life where everything seems to work out...very little goes wrong and you are treated like the next best thing?

My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."

A just makes me feel like dirt: I am an inconvenience, I am too inexperienced, I am an idiot, It's my fault when things go wrong, I don't satisfy, It's my fault our marriage failed, If I were better everything would work out, I AM INADEQUATE...

I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...

and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!

Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.

Wanna think some more???




Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...

Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........

edited 10/2/10

Whatever...do what you want

I love getting all of my information about school via text message. Apparently Doodles is going to have reading tutoring...I don't know what it is or why since he has been reading since he was four. Does that mean he is being bumped up and will spend a hour a week with advanced reading or has he forgotten how to read when he is at school? I got it via text from such a reliable source. I emailed his teacher to ask her W.T.H. is going on, I needed to email her anyway to schedule parent/teacher conference. UGH, sometimes this traveling business is for the birds.

Let me tell you about my day...what???? we don't understand! Explanation given, ARGUMENTS ensue. If I was a drinker I would have totally started drinking. You don;t understand and now you are arguing with us??????? STOP IT! Please understand that we may just know that 2+2 really does equal 4 and not 3 or 5. BWEE!!!!

EST

I am a Central Time zone chic. Eastern Standard Time why o why are you messing with me like this??? I know, I acclimate quickly but I refuse to become an EST zone chic. I am a Midwest girl and will stay that way. 10 is still 9, I was only exhausted due to sleepless nights, NOT because it really felt like 10:00!!! I am putting my foot down right now...hmmmm, BWWEEEEEE!!! Do you hear me EST, BWEE you!

O.M.G.

I called the circuit clerks office this morning and my divorce papers are still in the judge's chambers..."not sure why, but next time I'm up there I will check." Gee, would ya? Could ya? I didn't pay you $338 to file (not to mention the $250 to get the papers done) just because! I really kinda want this divorce...silly me!!!! I mean he has been living with his girlfriend since he moved out 3 years ago. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Accident

Julie, fellow blogger, broke her wrist this summer and when she got the her cast off I had mentioned I broke both my wrists. She asked me how. Let's travel back in time...February 1995. (there is a lesson here kids, and I am putting some pictures** that are not bad but are still kind of gross to get the point across.)

A was an over the road truck driver, and I worked not quite but almost full time retail. I was ready for some time off in the after Christmas season. We made plans for me to go over the road with him. We went all over from the eastern seaboard to Texas, the last run we were on was through Canada/Pennsylvania/Michigan and then back to the hub. I had so much fun, but by the time we got back we were both exhausted...we debated driving the hour and half to my parents or the 5/6 hours home for the weekend. He had a check waiting for us so we decided to go home, February 10, 1995. At the halfway point he was sleeping and I was so exhausted that I decided to stop and try to take a nap. Three hours later the sun rose, and I woke up. I was so tired, but uncomfortable with staying where we were any longer. I tried to wake A up, but to no avail. I took a deep breath and decided that I could do it, no worries. I was 19, nothing could stop me! Except that damn cop car that did a U-turn right there...darn it. Maybe I shouldn't have been playing around, speeding, being an all around dumb ass driver. I didn't even talk myself out of that ticket! I started driving again, I was so shaky, nervous...I didn't want to drive anymore darn it I just wanted to be home!!!! I hated tickets then, now I do my best to talk myself out of them...but I digress. We got to the next big town and stopped for gas. A had woken up and said he would take over driving. He knew the area better than I did anyway. I put my seat back and covered up. After awhile I remember waking up because we stopped at this church because apparently you can't pass it without ringing the bell or bad luck...BWEE! this is the last of my memories of that day, the rest of this is from medical reports and second hand information - OH until the police report (funny stuff actually).

The car was speeding down a back country road, up the other road the girl that was going to hit us or we hit knew we were not going to stop (why didn't you stop idiot???)...our car ran a stop sign and the oncoming van hit passenger side once starting the car to spin and then hit it again on the rear end causing it to start flipping. So, the car was spinning and flipping...as it did the passenger door flew open and both A and I exited out the car, ok maybe we were ejected much like the car was a little sick and tired of the abuse of being driven in such an undignified manner, via the passenger side door. The car traveled approximately another 50 feet into a corn field. I was found more than 250 feet from the car...I guess I did my best superman impression and flew between 200-300 feet depending on the ejection point.



I woke up in the hospital February 13, 1995...groggy but alive, a miracle according to the doctors - not just because of my injuries. My parents had been there; my father in all of his need to help apparently overdosed me with my Demerol pump. I was unconscious so the hospital/doctor/nurse whatever just had it on a steady drip, but the "doorbell" was attached for when I woke up and they could change the settings. My father decided every time I moaned I was in pain so he pushed the "doorbell" and a flow of Demerol went into me until from what they say I started vomiting a la The Exorcist. Which was bad, because they did not have my shoulder strapped down so I got a second round of them popping that bad boy into place....I have no recollection of that so in my eyes more power to my daddy!!!

My injuries consisted of hairline fracture in my skull, awesome black-eye that I had for like 2 months, various cuts (those plastic surgeons are good you can almost not tell), left elbow dislocated, left wrist broken, right shoulder dislocated, right wrist broken, both hands crushed, my rings were embedded into my fingers, right pinkie finger compound fracture (the only finger that got special attention), various other cuts and bruises on my body, some internal bleeding but no big deal.

A few days after I woke up they were finally able to clean me up:

that's not a smile
the nurses in the hospital were great from what I remember

The glass and weeds they took out of my hair along with bits of the car were crazy! My sister stayed to help take care of me, do my hair and other necessities that I was unable to do (and frankly now I have no shame because I have been pretty darn low). My first opportunity to get out of that bed was about a week or so after the accident. This was the first time my shoulder was taped...such a happy face:

Wasn't I ever so pretty at 19???

I was out of the hospital about a week and a half when the police knocked at our door. I still looked like the above picture without the bandage on my face...I was so messed up on pain meds. The police were trying to arrest me and I asked them to wait because I needed to nap, laid down on the couch and almost feel asleep. The officer in his infinite wisdom told me to place my hands behind my back (what?), which is when A stepped in and said she can't. I stepped up to say I can if I try, but these idiots are going to have a talk with the doctor and will be paying the bill. We got to the police station, both A and I were booked for falsely reporting an accident. They tried to take my fingerprints, I'd like to know how that worked out for them but never got an answer...and took our statements. A was then released because the officer admitted he never took a statement from him. They were talking to me and I looked at this officer and I told him flat out....wait you have to picture me exactly like I was above, hopped up on high power medication, with my head on the table..."dude, are you on some sort of crack? I have never seen you before in my life. but whatever you say, as long as it gets me back in bed I am going to go with." This is what the officer went with, our lawyers fought it and pretty much told the judge that if the cops would have investigated the accident instead of looking and saying 'oh she got a ticket this morning she was driving' they would know exactly what happened and would be able to tell all of us. They went on to make A and I stand in front of the judge and said it doesn't take an ace investigator to see if the seat was back he was driving if it was forward she was. The judge pretty much sided with us; A took the tickets and blame for the accident though because I had quite enough tickets on my record thank you very much and he had none. I left the courtroom with a slap on the cast......

But, lessons were learned! I never ever drive tired anymore, because there is a very real possibility that I was driving that car. I wear my seat-belt even in the passenger seat, I used to only wear it when I was driving. Lastly, I never let my father close to any of my medications when I don't feel good, his hearts in the right place but that man'll kill me.


**Why were pictures taken, remembrance of the day I was almost lost to people that loved me. Reminders never to wait until it's too late to say how you feel

Dreamworld

DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME

adapted from a poem by Charles C Finn, by anonymous

If you want to know how important,
you are to me, how you can be
the creator of my person,
then you must let me in,
you alone can break down the wall
- behind which I tremble

And you alone can see me behind the mask
that I wear with discomfort.
You alone can release me from my shadow world
of panic and of uncertainty, for my lonely
person, please don't pass me by.
I know it won't be easy for you at times,
a long conviction of worthlessness built strong walls
And the nearer you approach me,
the blinder I may strike back, you see,
I seem to be fighting against the very thing
I want the most.
But I'm told that love is stronger than walls
And, in this, lies my only hope.

One of my all time favorite poems...ended up in a dream, very weird dream. Paging Dr Freud, Dr Sigmund Freud please see crazy chic on the right.

Friendly Advice

Earlier this week I posted that I need an accountant in my life. Misses M told me that I should check out my company accountants and see where they hang, maybe snag one up for myself. BWEE!!!! I stopped in the office yesterday to drop off expense reports and both of the accounting folks that work in the facility I am based out of were in, end of the month and all that. I said hi, made small talk, and in the back of my mind that comment was running through my head the entire time - TYVM my friend, but I did not laugh my butt off until I left the office. The Controller reminds me of, well of my father and the other person is a really, really nice woman. I imagine she hangs out at home, possibly the ballpark (this is a baseball town dontchyaknow), but in all honesty I can't think of one place she would "cut loose" so to speak. So, uh, yeah.....thinking that resource is a NO! :)

There is a serious issue bothering me. For the life of me I cannot find the sign that is taped to me, or if it is a neon sign over my head I cannot find the switch to turn it off. There has got to be something about me that gives a married man the vibe that I am free game. Really attractive man, very kind....very married with children....but hey, flirted with me and made it known that he was interested in getting to know me. Cannot wait for me to come back to the area because I am such a sweetheart. I am not the type of person that is going to be rude. I am not the type of person that knows how to cut people off at the knees. I am the nice girl...especially to my co-workers.

Another example: a friend of mine continues to push "to find time for us". It will only be one or two times, a learning experience (like I have not heard that I needed that my entire marriage), and we would still be friends. No one needs to know. Oh, this guy - he is a sweetheart, cutey-patutie, married. This one is super honest about it going no where; he is 'happily' married and planning on staying that way (unlike R, who used everything in his arsenal to string me along). I respect his honesty, but I'm sorry, possibly it is just me....but happy marriages do not include a cheatin ass man. The following is completely my fault, I don't know how to stop it...I have been playing along, sure, whatever, sounds fun. But, I am never available to see him, I make myself busy!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I need to get it across to him that this is not going to happen. I respect the honesty that is there, I am flattered, but cheating on someone is sleazy and wrong and I just do not want to be a part of it!! {that is an issue that I am working through and will resolve soon}

But, I would love for someone to let me know what it is about me that makes a married guy think I am just going to look the other way. I admit I am naive, often stupidly so...are men really just that insensitive that they do not care about the women that they married???? Seriously, is it all guys.......I know some of them are just losers like that, but it is really all men? If it is all men, how do I go about getting them to look at someone other than me (no I am not going to gain a bunch of weight to make myself unattractive, but I am not adverse to growing warts if need be).

The worlds an amazing place...

I visit a "photoblog" site almost everyday, and every single day I am continually amazed by the beautiful things that this world has to offer! Today, Trey Ratcliff, the photographer of the website offered up an amazing picture of one of the waterfalls in Yellowstone. Once again, I could stare at the picture and will myself to that place. I discovered this website months ago when I was pretty deep into a funk, or as some may say an episode of depression - such downers! I was going through the site and came across the coolest pix of iceland...so jealous of Mr. Ratcliff! But, now I live vicariously through him and his pictures. In a few weeks it will be London according to the blog...how cool.

But, I was looking through his NYC shots tonight because I am headed there in a few weeks and Julie has posted some pictures of her recent trip. (there is a picture of FAO Schwartz that reminds me of a story J told on her blog). The City looks gorgeous through both of their camera lenses...why do I get the feeling that I am going to get back and look at those pictures once again and say 'i saw none of that'.

Balancing Act

I have a secret for you...I hate balancing my checkbook. I am HORRIBLE with money!!! Money management, budgets, anything to do with it I suck at it!!!!! I am going to tell you why - MY PARENTS....nope, I am not big on blame the 'rents, but this really is their fault.

My whole life all I had to do was say "I want" and I had. Please do not get the wrong impression, I was not little rich girl, my parents worked very hard for what they had and we were fortunate that we had enough. I am one of five children; I have 2 older brothers, an older sister and a younger sister...the thing is, by the time my little sister and I were old enough to really "want" both my brothers and my older sister were out of the house, so it was really like it was just the two of us for the time that mattered. Back to money matters...as I was saying, all I had to do was ask and I had. I grew up always having what I wanted: I wanted to shop, I shopped...I wanted new shoes, I had them...I wanted to go out, I went - there was no thoughts to do I have the money to do these things??? Is this in a budget??? {I do know my parents worked hard, and it instilled in me a very good work ethic. I know I have to work in order to give Doodles the same things I had}

I balanced my checkbook this evening, and it is way more painful than I think it should be. It always takes me forever to get my check register to agree with the bank and I do this every two weeks. UGH!!! About once a month or so I really rethink this "I don't need a man" thing I have going on. I need a guy who I can throw my money at, my bills, and tell him that whereas I hate shopping I need to have the option available to me. Is that too old fashioned girly?????

Man Hunting ---- My local Accounting Firm....yes?!?!?!?

How cool is that???

This week was not completely filled with co-workers and things that are either so boring it's not worth mentioning or so technical you would all call me out as not knowing what I was truly talking about...

Thursday morning I went and toured the Louisville Slugger factory. My traveling companions really wanted to go and, hey what the heck right?!?! So, I do not do baseball...I am a hockey girl, winter sports are my thing - seriously being born up north was a good call on the Powers that Be part when it came to me. :) I swore that this trip Doodles was not getting anything, but at the end of the tour they give out the mini-bats so...yeah. He loves it. Back to the tour...for me I thought it was kinda cool. I found my dream job. There was a gentleman watching paint dry. No, seriously, he got up once in the 15 minutes I was watching him touched a bat and sat back down. I asked and his whole job was to make sure the bats do not come off the hooks until the varnish/paint/whatever is dry...I can totally do that!!!! QUALIFIED -- over here, pick me! You end up in the museum which was cool. I thought of Misses M, there is a lifesize wax of Griffey in a Mariners uniform...sorry, I know painful subject these days. They were making bats for one of the Boston Red Sox players. In my oh so humble opinion it was kinda amazing the way that they make a baseball bat...my traveling companions were a little let down. I guess to a true fan of the game, it's different. I can see that, watching a factory crank out hundreds of hockey sticks would probably take the awe out of it for me when I want it to be the wooden shafts, and then bending each blade individually. So, yeah I can see the let down of a smoothly run factory cranking out the bats instead of using the hand lathe of the past. The other BIG let down was that the personalized bats...you can't use them! But, they have professional cores that didn't come out perfect so a mere mortal can buy them for $50. {But beware if you fly out of the Louisville airport no bat, of any size is allowed as carry on - yeah I was fine taking my mini-bat through CVG}.

Lunch was just down the street at this AMAZING Italian place called Luigi's. Seriously, if you are ever in Louisville, KY you have got to stop at this place! It is a local little restaurant with the most delicious food. I highly recommend the lasagna...mmmmm GOOD -- no that doesn't even begin to describe it!!!! Trust me, I don't recommend many restaurants because I am such a picky eater, but this one - Scrummy!!!!!!!!

That evening we ate at the Oak Room. Very nice. Apparently the place of legends, Al Capone type legends...and the Lady with the Blue Dress! Then we proceeded to take a tour of one of the coolest places. Very techno-advanced for the business that they are in. But the absolute coolest thing was the 16 million dollar Flight Simulator that my traveling companions and I were lucky enough to be able to experience! The instructor allowed me to mess with one of my companions who was flying and throw a light thunderstorm at him and after everyone got a chance to take off/fly/land he showed me all of the weather and malfunctions that were available. The things a pilot has to go through in simulation are absolutely unbelievable! The flight sim was probably the highlight of the things I have experienced in my life. Unbelievably cool! I hope I get a chance to go back and see them again. :) But, I don't suppose anyone wants to buy me one for christmas, my birthday, just as a you're great present????? No, I didn't think so...

Anyway, this was a cool trip...but I am glad to be home, even if it does feel like it is just a moment. My weekends are going to fast. Tomorrow is church, lunch and then it will be the rush of getting ready for the next day again.

Daydreams versus Reality

When I travel I always get a window seat. I stare out the window at the passing clouds and there are moments that I get caught up in daydreams. I envision jumping out of the airplane into those clouds. Losing myself in those soft, fluffy white puffs with not a care in the world, gazing up as the bright blue turns to dusk and watching as the twinkling stars come out. Sometimes I think I would be able to hop from cloud to cloud not having to ever get to anywhere specific.

Then, I realize that this is me and I would jump and land in a thunderhead. Wickedly violent, lightening going from cloud to cloud until suddenly I would be hurdled to Earth along with slashing rain and some hail thrown in for good measure tossed to my destination. So, I look around me, take a deep breath and know that my life may not be perfect but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will get to where I am going.

It may be loud...what with the screaming toddler right in front of me on the airplane from CVG to ORD; it may be slow...with the hour sitting on the tarmac in ORD (once again with a baby in the next row, what was up with yesterday and me and kids????); but eventually I always get to where I need to be and I almost always get a pleasant greeting when I get there. (in yesterday's case Doodles saw me for the first time in a week and ran into my arms with a kiss, hug and all his news from the week.) It may not be cloud hopping, but sometimes my reality is much better :)

more on this trip later...we did some really cool things that I can actually talk about ;)

Finally, someone gets it...

OMG...finally, someone who gets it! Seriously, I thought the majority of the people in power had finally lost there ever lovin minds. There are states out there finally responding to the health care joke, I mean bill.

Karen Harned, executive director of the Small Business Legal Center of the National Federation of Independent Business, has a head on her shoulders!!! Beyond stating that the case needs to be heard she goes on to say:

"The federal government does not have the authority to regulate an individual's decision to do nothing. If they did, then they could force us to purchase any product they want," she said.

YAY! Since this health care bill was signed I thought every single person in DC has lost their minds and forgot about democracy and what exactly that means. The only question I have is why every single state is not in this law suit! But, just maybe it will be heard and those little shreds of common sense that are in those judges minds will fuse together and click to realize that Oh yeah we are not a socialist republic...so, we kinda can't penalize people for not purchasing government health care nor can we penalize Americans who have jobs that offer a benefit package. Crossing fingers!!!!!!!

Headaches

I have been fighting the worst headache since last night. I didn't want to take anything because of last time, but I broke down and went to the pharmacy. My head is killin me and I have no time for this. I need to get this house in order and pack our stuff for next week. Not to mention try and get Doodles room finished.......ugh

The Choking Game

So, I saw this new story this morning that completely bothered me. It is not just the story that is disturbing, but the comments. Apparently there is a "fun game" that kids/teens/young adults are playing these days...the game is to choke themselves to get a buzz. I vaguely recall in my younger days hearing about "stoners" doing this to elongate their high or something; but today apparently these kids are doing it without being under the influence.

HELLO, I have had someone choke me until I passed out. I have had someone choke me until I was close to passing out and laugh in my face as I gasped for air. Children, this is not a high!!!! When you forcible cut off air to your brain you are KILLING YOUR BRAIN CELLS! This is so dangerous -- oh yeah, the reason its news is because a teenage girl was found dead due to this. Not suicide, trying to get a high.

In short, apparently as parents we must talk to our children about sex, drugs, smoking, abuse, the hazards of household chemicals, and now choking themselves!!!! I understand having to talk to my child about having a positive self-image and how important it is to understand the consequences of sex, drugs and smoking. I even know how very important it is to talk to him about treating others with respect and making sure he is treated as such. But to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about hey don't choke yourself because it's kinda dumb......I mean how do ya approach it???? OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Promises to myself

I feel as if I am starting a whole new life, not by choice but by circumstances. It is unfair to blame those circumstances solely at A's feet...I know I have been because it has been a little easier but the majority of this new chapter lays squarely in another direction. I know that A's girlfriend has been "hinting around" so I would have gotten the divorce papers sooner or later. But, the pages of my life story started to turn in a flurry and now I have come to a point where everything is changing.

I am leaving a job that I love that I have had for over 5 years. The people here have been like my family. But, I am moving on and will look at this as a positive step forward. It really is a great opportunity to prove myself once again. The only downfall is the travel...it's not something I want to do, but I will and I will be the best like I always am.

I am leaving an apartment that I love living in. It is fairly cheap, I have great neighbors, a church I love and a support group in my friends that are second to none. But, I will leave it behind and look forward. Doodles will start a new school and we will be fine. I will make it work like I always do.

BUT, this new chapter...or maybe whole new book I am making a promise to myself. I will not hide my feelings anymore for the "good of others". I will not harm myself so that the people around me can be ok while I slowly die inside. I will not be unfair to myself any longer.

edited 10/2

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2