It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.
So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.
When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).
Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.
Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.