(originally posted Wednesday 3/10/2010)
I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.
When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.
I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.
I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.
I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.