(originally posted Friday 2/26/2010)
Sadness enters my soul and I have no idea what to do with it...I have no place to let it go except for inside of me. There used to be a block, it used to stop at a certain point and not seep into the very depths of me. I feel this so deeply even my bones grow weary from the weight of everything I feel. This does not stop at my heart, my gut...it travels throughout my body to the bottom of my feet, the tips of my fingers. Every part of me is heavy with this - every part of me hurts. My eyes fill with tears without any warning, I have to work so hard to get my lips to form even half a smile to appease others. I am lost; I do not now which way to go to find my way. Every time I turn and think I will find my way back into the sun, the smiles, the laughter it just gets darker, scarier, sadder. I am lost and do not know how or who to ask for directions...I'm scared and do not know what to do anymore. I have turned so many times no one will be able to find me nor will they want to. Will I forever lost in this swirling black mist that surrounds me threatening to take me under?
I have not allowed my depression to get the better of me because there are days when I get woken up with a flying tackle as I was this morning. There are other days when he comes into my room in the middle of the night, all warm and cuddles up next to me to tell me he had a bad dream and falls asleep before finishing his tale. I am the one he trusts, I am the one who slays his dragons - or he slays dragons for depending on the time of day, I shine the light when he is afraid. I know about being afraid and not having anyone there for me; I could never do that to my child. He knows mommy gets sad; but he will tell you that mommy always smiles for him. No matter how bad my life is; I have a gorgeous blue-eyed boy that looks up at me and makes it all worth it. The things he says, what he does...he is so funny - he is everything. And sometimes, Doodles runs into my room full-speed and tackles me when I am still asleep. It is the best way to enter a day...once I get my breath back that is.