(originally posted Friday 2/26/2010)
Sadness enters my soul and I have no idea what to do with it...I have no place to let it go except for inside of me. There used to be a block, it used to stop at a certain point and not seep into the very depths of me. I feel this so deeply even my bones grow weary from the weight of everything I feel. This does not stop at my heart, my gut...it travels throughout my body to the bottom of my feet, the tips of my fingers. Every part of me is heavy with this - every part of me hurts. My eyes fill with tears without any warning, I have to work so hard to get my lips to form even half a smile to appease others. I am lost; I do not now which way to go to find my way. Every time I turn and think I will find my way back into the sun, the smiles, the laughter it just gets darker, scarier, sadder. I am lost and do not know how or who to ask for directions...I'm scared and do not know what to do anymore. I have turned so many times no one will be able to find me nor will they want to. Will I forever lost in this swirling black mist that surrounds me threatening to take me under?
I have not allowed my depression to get the better of me because there are days when I get woken up with a flying tackle as I was this morning. There are other days when he comes into my room in the middle of the night, all warm and cuddles up next to me to tell me he had a bad dream and falls asleep before finishing his tale. I am the one he trusts, I am the one who slays his dragons - or he slays dragons for depending on the time of day, I shine the light when he is afraid. I know about being afraid and not having anyone there for me; I could never do that to my child. He knows mommy gets sad; but he will tell you that mommy always smiles for him. No matter how bad my life is; I have a gorgeous blue-eyed boy that looks up at me and makes it all worth it. The things he says, what he does...he is so funny - he is everything. And sometimes, Doodles runs into my room full-speed and tackles me when I am still asleep. It is the best way to enter a day...once I get my breath back that is.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Worthless
Worthless unless I am being abused...he tried to say he never said that. I will grant him this, those exact words did not come out of his mouth, but that is the interpretation of the words not just by me but validated by a professional. That professional did not want to validate the word worthless, tried to think of a different spin, but at the end of the day agreed that the words spoken did seem to imply that there was no place in life for me unless I was being abused.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Babies
February 2008...I started cramping and I knew exactly what was happening even as I was denying the fact he could have gotten me pregnant. In the morning I called the doctor to tell her that I had a miscarriage overnight. I informed her that there was still slight cramping and some spotting, but I was sure I had lost the baby. An appointment was set up to check and a DNC if necessary.
Upon arrival I was given paperwork to go to the lab for blood work. Once the blood was drawn I was told to go back to the doctor's office and wait. After what seems like an eternity, the doctor walked into the room. I knew by the look on her face she had something to say; she tells me that we have to go over to the main hospital for an early term ultrasound. I remember giving her the strangest look before saying in my most loving, sarcastic tone, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but a miscarriage means no more early term."
Dr, "you are still pregnant. Let's go."
Me, shocked and confused but not giving up, "I know what a miscarriage is and I had one!"
Dr, in that annoyingly soothing tone that they get, "We'll find out with the ultrasound."
On the drive over to the hospital I was afraid of what would be found. I had come to terms with losing a baby I didn't know existed. What was I going to do if I was indeed still pregnant? There was an apprehension, but I quickly decided that I would do whatever I needed to do in order to have a healthy, happy child! I got to where I needed to be and changed into that oh so sexy medical gown. The specialist walked into the room with my doctor. Here is more or less the conversation...
Me "Wow, where is my tech?"
Him "Not today. You get me and your doctor, lucky lady."
Me snort "Oh yeah, aren't I the special one?"
Him "Guess so. Please insert this..." {for those of you who have never experienced an early term ultrasound...a wand is inserted much like a tampon. Oh yes, it is a joyful experience}
Me "Well, at least ya used a condom! Not that I need one, right?"
Him laughing "smart ass"
Me "I don't use them, not supposed to be able to get pregnant"
Him "I think someone lied"
Me "I shouldn't be here. I had a miscarriage. If there is a baby in there, I slept with superman."
Him, after looking around for a minute or two "well ms lane, I hope you and superman are happy together."
Dr "I can make out the scarring from the recent trauma"
Him "There is a small amount of the secondary sac remaining"
Dr "I believe removing it would be detrimental to the remaining fetus"
Him "I agree. The placenta does not appear to be well placed or attached."
Me, almost at the point of tears, "I'm still here! Are you telling me that I have a child inside of me?"
Baby is pointed out to me...Dr "k, we have to start progesterone right away. Your test came back dangerously low for this stage of pregnancy."
Me "ok" {major freak out in 10...9...8...7...}
Dr "So, are you happy to be dating superman?"
Me "Oh we are not dating, I just slipped in his fortress once."
That was the first day of the start of major heartbreak! I did everything I could to save that child. I lost it 2 1/2 weeks later. I was not feeling well but I went to my second job anyway, I had an obligation. I started cramping but could not say anything for fear that someone may figure out what was going on and may guess at the identity of the father; so I stayed. One of the supervisors had frightened me earlier that evening so instead of leaving right after I was done for the night I stayed until I was sure everyone was gone. I finally left and went to the hospital, but I think I was already too late.
Once I was at the Woman's Evaluation Unit they hooked up the monitors. The baby's heartbeat filled my room. It was a relief to hear it beating strongly. They tried to stop the contractions, at least until the heart stopped beating. There is nothing louder than utter silence where once the absolute glorious sound of a heartbeat was once heard. The look of sympathy on those nurses' faces...I don't know how to describe the complete and total heartache I felt from losing those two babies. It took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding. Going through it alone was so hard, but I got through. On the one year anniversary I broke down; if it were not for the child I was carrying there is no way I would have survived.
March 2009...this second pregnancy was in a way easier to accept, but the end was so much harder to deal with. I accepted the fact that R could get me pregnant, so as soon as I had the slightest notion that I may be I immediately called the doctor. I was having health issues at the time so I was constantly in the doctor's office. What is one more blood test?!?!? I don't know how or why, but once that test came back positive everything with my brain and my heart issues changed. My main focus shifted to being positive, happy and having a viable pregnancy.
Health wise, mid to late December went pretty well. I received fantastic news from the neuro, no brain surgery required! The pregnancy was progressing well. Overall I was pretty happy at the time; at least until R decided to throw an emotional curveball at me. For the baby's sake I tried to put it aside and focus on staying positive.
January got a little rockier. I almost lost the baby twice in the first two weeks. The doctor started to worry which in turn made me worry. My upbeat mood was quickly turning and my rock, R, was not around for me to talk to about anything happening in my life because he needed space. Work had gotten crazy and A had decided to become even more unhelpful than normal. In late January my blood work came back with some abnormalities. I almost lost the baby again and was told the next time they were just going to have to let it go. The placenta had a slight tear and I was bleeding internally. It appeared as if my body was fighting itself. I was so tired. Not the normal pregnant tired; serious illness tired. It was a chore to do anything, but I forced it of myself. There was a thought that the baby's blood type was not compatible with mine.
In February I called R to find out his blood type. He wanted to know why, so I had to confess to him that I was carrying his child. That and the follow-up conversation were the hardest, worst conversations I had ever had with him until recently.
March came and I went into the hospital not wanting to end the pregnancy. Not an abortion according to the doctors, medically assisted miscarriage. This procedure was necessary for survival. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever done! Giving birth, having this miscarriage broke my spirit. Two arms, two legs, fully formed but oh so little at 5 3/4", 7.8 oz...I could tell she would have been beautiful given even half the chance to grow, to blossom. She was already starting to be one of those pretty babies even at that early stage, it was amazing! Who is so important that they should deem me any more important that she was? The fact that I took that precious little things life haunts me like nothing anyone can imagine. Upon my release from the hospital, I went home completely demoralized where I took a shower and cried for hours. The following Monday I got up and tried to act as if nothing in my life had changed even though everything had.
February 2010...my heart aches! I don't know that anyone could understand fully unless that went through it. It does not seem fair that so much pain happened in such a relatively short time frame. These anniversaries are only one year apart and separated by only 3 weeks. I have put one in the proper perspective and whereas it still hurts and I am not sure when the sadness I feel when I think of it will diminish I know I can take a deep breath and work past it; the other threatens to overcome me. Somehow I am supposed to pretend my world is ok.
Upon arrival I was given paperwork to go to the lab for blood work. Once the blood was drawn I was told to go back to the doctor's office and wait. After what seems like an eternity, the doctor walked into the room. I knew by the look on her face she had something to say; she tells me that we have to go over to the main hospital for an early term ultrasound. I remember giving her the strangest look before saying in my most loving, sarcastic tone, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but a miscarriage means no more early term."
Dr, "you are still pregnant. Let's go."
Me, shocked and confused but not giving up, "I know what a miscarriage is and I had one!"
Dr, in that annoyingly soothing tone that they get, "We'll find out with the ultrasound."
On the drive over to the hospital I was afraid of what would be found. I had come to terms with losing a baby I didn't know existed. What was I going to do if I was indeed still pregnant? There was an apprehension, but I quickly decided that I would do whatever I needed to do in order to have a healthy, happy child! I got to where I needed to be and changed into that oh so sexy medical gown. The specialist walked into the room with my doctor. Here is more or less the conversation...
Me "Wow, where is my tech?"
Him "Not today. You get me and your doctor, lucky lady."
Me snort "Oh yeah, aren't I the special one?"
Him "Guess so. Please insert this..." {for those of you who have never experienced an early term ultrasound...a wand is inserted much like a tampon. Oh yes, it is a joyful experience}
Me "Well, at least ya used a condom! Not that I need one, right?"
Him laughing "smart ass"
Me "I don't use them, not supposed to be able to get pregnant"
Him "I think someone lied"
Me "I shouldn't be here. I had a miscarriage. If there is a baby in there, I slept with superman."
Him, after looking around for a minute or two "well ms lane, I hope you and superman are happy together."
Dr "I can make out the scarring from the recent trauma"
Him "There is a small amount of the secondary sac remaining"
Dr "I believe removing it would be detrimental to the remaining fetus"
Him "I agree. The placenta does not appear to be well placed or attached."
Me, almost at the point of tears, "I'm still here! Are you telling me that I have a child inside of me?"
Baby is pointed out to me...Dr "k, we have to start progesterone right away. Your test came back dangerously low for this stage of pregnancy."
Me "ok" {major freak out in 10...9...8...7...}
Dr "So, are you happy to be dating superman?"
Me "Oh we are not dating, I just slipped in his fortress once."
That was the first day of the start of major heartbreak! I did everything I could to save that child. I lost it 2 1/2 weeks later. I was not feeling well but I went to my second job anyway, I had an obligation. I started cramping but could not say anything for fear that someone may figure out what was going on and may guess at the identity of the father; so I stayed. One of the supervisors had frightened me earlier that evening so instead of leaving right after I was done for the night I stayed until I was sure everyone was gone. I finally left and went to the hospital, but I think I was already too late.
Once I was at the Woman's Evaluation Unit they hooked up the monitors. The baby's heartbeat filled my room. It was a relief to hear it beating strongly. They tried to stop the contractions, at least until the heart stopped beating. There is nothing louder than utter silence where once the absolute glorious sound of a heartbeat was once heard. The look of sympathy on those nurses' faces...I don't know how to describe the complete and total heartache I felt from losing those two babies. It took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding. Going through it alone was so hard, but I got through. On the one year anniversary I broke down; if it were not for the child I was carrying there is no way I would have survived.
March 2009...this second pregnancy was in a way easier to accept, but the end was so much harder to deal with. I accepted the fact that R could get me pregnant, so as soon as I had the slightest notion that I may be I immediately called the doctor. I was having health issues at the time so I was constantly in the doctor's office. What is one more blood test?!?!? I don't know how or why, but once that test came back positive everything with my brain and my heart issues changed. My main focus shifted to being positive, happy and having a viable pregnancy.
Health wise, mid to late December went pretty well. I received fantastic news from the neuro, no brain surgery required! The pregnancy was progressing well. Overall I was pretty happy at the time; at least until R decided to throw an emotional curveball at me. For the baby's sake I tried to put it aside and focus on staying positive.
January got a little rockier. I almost lost the baby twice in the first two weeks. The doctor started to worry which in turn made me worry. My upbeat mood was quickly turning and my rock, R, was not around for me to talk to about anything happening in my life because he needed space. Work had gotten crazy and A had decided to become even more unhelpful than normal. In late January my blood work came back with some abnormalities. I almost lost the baby again and was told the next time they were just going to have to let it go. The placenta had a slight tear and I was bleeding internally. It appeared as if my body was fighting itself. I was so tired. Not the normal pregnant tired; serious illness tired. It was a chore to do anything, but I forced it of myself. There was a thought that the baby's blood type was not compatible with mine.
In February I called R to find out his blood type. He wanted to know why, so I had to confess to him that I was carrying his child. That and the follow-up conversation were the hardest, worst conversations I had ever had with him until recently.
March came and I went into the hospital not wanting to end the pregnancy. Not an abortion according to the doctors, medically assisted miscarriage. This procedure was necessary for survival. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever done! Giving birth, having this miscarriage broke my spirit. Two arms, two legs, fully formed but oh so little at 5 3/4", 7.8 oz...I could tell she would have been beautiful given even half the chance to grow, to blossom. She was already starting to be one of those pretty babies even at that early stage, it was amazing! Who is so important that they should deem me any more important that she was? The fact that I took that precious little things life haunts me like nothing anyone can imagine. Upon my release from the hospital, I went home completely demoralized where I took a shower and cried for hours. The following Monday I got up and tried to act as if nothing in my life had changed even though everything had.
February 2010...my heart aches! I don't know that anyone could understand fully unless that went through it. It does not seem fair that so much pain happened in such a relatively short time frame. These anniversaries are only one year apart and separated by only 3 weeks. I have put one in the proper perspective and whereas it still hurts and I am not sure when the sadness I feel when I think of it will diminish I know I can take a deep breath and work past it; the other threatens to overcome me. Somehow I am supposed to pretend my world is ok.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Bound
The ties that bind can be so hard to shed. Promises made are promises to be kept! I ask permission to nullify those promises that were once made to no avail. What does it matter what I am thinking or feeling. There is a connection and will always be a connection tying us unless those promises are voided. I am chained by the words I spoke. Fading out of each other's lives, those are the words I heard. Yet because I am bound by promises our lives are still interwoven in Technicolor. Words, actions...why does it seem they contradict each other more than they agree?
Monday, February 15, 2010
Phone Call
I reach for the phone and start to dial before it hits me. The tears that have been building start to spill over slowly. I take a deep breath and walk to the closet, from deep within I dig out the black starter shorts that are filled with so many memories. I strip off the clothes I am wearing, after hugging the shorts close to me I think about washing them as I pull them on. Reaching back into the closet I come out with a shirt and pull it over my head. It still smells faintly like him even after all this time. The tears are coming in earnest now. I am encompassed by the only physical things I have left of the two of them. Crawling on my bed, closing my eyes I will the memories to come. The good ones, the ones that will take the pain and push it to the background. I cannot quite reach the compartment that those memories are locked away in. From two to three and then down to one; back to the closet. I take a deep breath and open the box to pull out the jacket that was given back to me. I put it to my face; it smells as if he just took it off. My arms are in the sleeves and I wrap it around me as I crumble to the floor. From one to none...there is no one to call, not to help me through this pain.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Always...
Always is a word that I don't use very often. That word has meaning to me, I take it very seriously. That word didn't even make it into my wedding vows. When I got married we were given the choice to have the traditional vows, to choose from 7 variations that others have written, or to write our own. I choose to write our own because I was fearful of what were to happen in the future and I didn't want to make promises to someone that I couldn't keep...it is bad enough the marriage is kaput in the eyes of God. I pulled out the wedding vows - 'I take you A/K to be my husband/wife, and I promise you I will be faithful and honest; I will respect, trust and care for you; I will share my life with you and I will forgive you through the best and worst of what is to come until death parts us.' - I have done all of those things even continuing to share my life with him because he is the father of my child and I am still friendly with him. Some could say, well technically you were still married when you and R got together so you were unfaithful...I wasn't living with A - he was actually living with his girlfriend. Our marriage was over, we were just trying to get the money together for the divorce and trying to get everything sorted out so all that needed to be stated was child support/custody. So my faithfulness is a technicality call. I could have put always in those vows, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.
I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.
So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.
I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.
I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.
So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.
I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Notch on R's Belt
There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!
We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.
October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?
Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.
There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!
I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.
We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.
October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?
Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.
There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!
I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.
Monday, February 8, 2010
20/20 Hindsight
Proverbs 9:7-8
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”
The last five years of my life takes these verses and proves them in a way that I truly never thought that my friendship with R would or could due to the subject matter. In the beginning I was very guarded! I listened to his story without sharing a lot of mine. He didn’t even know I was married until mid-2007. As time went by he very gently got me to open up more to him; “you can trust me, k”…apparently not, oh that 20/20 hindsight!
Our friendship was one where we could be honest with each other. If there was something amiss, the other would point it out. No matter the issue we could depend on each other to be honest to the point of brutally honest. There were very few lines between us; at least until she entered the picture, then not only did I make a line I built a wall! I met her and could not stand her!!! He asked me what I thought and I murmured a noncommittal reply. My first (second and third) impression of her was that she is heinous, self-righteous and a completely horrid human being. He was going to have to figure that one out on his own; seriously, people have to be free to make mistakes and learn from them. I was at the wedding reception and the best man was giving the toast, my focus was on her and she looked at some guy, smirked and held up her ring finger as if to say ‘married, nothing he can do about it now’. It gave off a very bad vibe! When I went to say goodbye, she gave off the same weird vibe. And now, he is in a marriage that makes him miserable and I am sorry for it, but even if I would have told him that I didn’t like her the odds are it would have torn us apart and he would still be in that marriage! Of course using that 20/20 hindsight maybe, just maybe us being torn apart would have been a great thing…
Over the years, there has been a lot of teasing between us. There has been a lot of correction and slight admonishments between the two of us – not because he started as my boss…seriously as a manager he is lacking in that ability…we did correct each other when we did something wrong. If it was something that was serious there was scolding. But, he was one of the good guys, or so I thought. Kind, considerate, loving, gentle, positive…those are the qualities that I adore in him. Does he have “flaws” (I hate that people deem others to be flawed…those flaws are what makes a person an individual and are to be accepted as much if not more that the good qualities that make us love a person), yes R is “flawed”…horrible tunnel vision, self-absorbed, vain, he must have a façade of perfection, easily influenced, he gives up when things look hard, he settles rather than fighting for what he believes in or for what he should have. There are other things about him both good and bad that I have discovered by not being afraid to look under the surface.
This past summer I was teasing him that if anything happened I was picking his next woman! I have better taste than he does. He replied to me that if it were up to me that I would not have let him marry either his first wife or his second. I had to correct him that I did indeed allow his marriage because he had to learn that lesson for himself, I just wish he would hurry up and learn it! This wife is very much like his first wife, and his marriage is following along the same course because he refuses to learn that outer beauty does not always equate to inner beauty. He is dissatisfied with his marriage because there is no love there; as is evidence by her telling him very plainly that she did not love him then, now and never will. I tried to tell him a few times that I don’t believe it is T that he was in love with, it is what she portrays – the pretty blonde wife to complete the picture that he believes he must show to the world. I informed him before the two of us blew up that I believe now he is not in love with her, he feels indebted to her for what she does for his children. Gratitude is a great feeling, but it is not a feeling to base a marriage on! At the end of all of it he will settle because it is too hard to start over unless she ends this marriage…his words to me in December as I was calming him down and telling him that he did not want to kill himself and we started talking about his home life – what am I to do with the Catholic Church becoming more strict on divorce.
Oh yes, we mocked and rebuked each other…one of us became the abuser and one the abused. Was it because of this that that happened? I don’t know. I know that it started in December 2008. It started subtly, with an email filled with angst, confusion, emotions that were too much for him to handle. Too hard for him to handle! I thought that email was it; I thought he was going to do the goodbye right then but instead he started the yo-yo. For anyone who has been on the receiving end of psychological abuse who knows about withholding, you know all about the yo-yo. I need you, please come to me…wait no I can’t handle it, I can’t talk to you right now…I adore you and you give me strength to get through the hard times…I need space to deal with my issues myself…Oh that yo-yo where you don’t know if you are coming or going! The one that destroys self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust and so much more…I dealt with that particular yo-yo for 2.5 months. Then I got another round of it plus emotional blackmail and a little verbal abuse the following summer for 6 months…yes, I am stupid for allowing him back in. I trusted him with things about me that only 2 others knew, well because he said I could of course!!!! One situation he could have been a man and he refused, same situation my friend could have stepped up but didn’t, yet again same issue the Catholic (yeah the one who is so concerned about divorce) could have stepped in but was silent. He betrayed me in ways I never thought he would! Misrepresentation – he said he never lied – sure, the Order of Protection just happened I believe it – so we will play the verbiage game…abusing me – ya know if it would have been physical I could have handled it but he went for the part of me that matters! The part of me that should have meant something if our friendship ever meant something to him…I told him that if he ever wanted to abuse me to make it physical – the body heals and you can shut off the part that really, truly matters!!!
I guess he said it all in what should have been our last phone call, but wasn’t, when he told me that he hated me. He could have saved both of us so much time and frustration by not having to prove he is “the man”. He really didn’t need that notch on his belt, it’s not like he can even brag about it because it ruins his perfect façade. Oh well, lesson learned for me I guess. I dislike that this lesson took so much out of me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – isn’t that the saying?
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”
The last five years of my life takes these verses and proves them in a way that I truly never thought that my friendship with R would or could due to the subject matter. In the beginning I was very guarded! I listened to his story without sharing a lot of mine. He didn’t even know I was married until mid-2007. As time went by he very gently got me to open up more to him; “you can trust me, k”…apparently not, oh that 20/20 hindsight!
Our friendship was one where we could be honest with each other. If there was something amiss, the other would point it out. No matter the issue we could depend on each other to be honest to the point of brutally honest. There were very few lines between us; at least until she entered the picture, then not only did I make a line I built a wall! I met her and could not stand her!!! He asked me what I thought and I murmured a noncommittal reply. My first (second and third) impression of her was that she is heinous, self-righteous and a completely horrid human being. He was going to have to figure that one out on his own; seriously, people have to be free to make mistakes and learn from them. I was at the wedding reception and the best man was giving the toast, my focus was on her and she looked at some guy, smirked and held up her ring finger as if to say ‘married, nothing he can do about it now’. It gave off a very bad vibe! When I went to say goodbye, she gave off the same weird vibe. And now, he is in a marriage that makes him miserable and I am sorry for it, but even if I would have told him that I didn’t like her the odds are it would have torn us apart and he would still be in that marriage! Of course using that 20/20 hindsight maybe, just maybe us being torn apart would have been a great thing…
Over the years, there has been a lot of teasing between us. There has been a lot of correction and slight admonishments between the two of us – not because he started as my boss…seriously as a manager he is lacking in that ability…we did correct each other when we did something wrong. If it was something that was serious there was scolding. But, he was one of the good guys, or so I thought. Kind, considerate, loving, gentle, positive…those are the qualities that I adore in him. Does he have “flaws” (I hate that people deem others to be flawed…those flaws are what makes a person an individual and are to be accepted as much if not more that the good qualities that make us love a person), yes R is “flawed”…horrible tunnel vision, self-absorbed, vain, he must have a façade of perfection, easily influenced, he gives up when things look hard, he settles rather than fighting for what he believes in or for what he should have. There are other things about him both good and bad that I have discovered by not being afraid to look under the surface.
This past summer I was teasing him that if anything happened I was picking his next woman! I have better taste than he does. He replied to me that if it were up to me that I would not have let him marry either his first wife or his second. I had to correct him that I did indeed allow his marriage because he had to learn that lesson for himself, I just wish he would hurry up and learn it! This wife is very much like his first wife, and his marriage is following along the same course because he refuses to learn that outer beauty does not always equate to inner beauty. He is dissatisfied with his marriage because there is no love there; as is evidence by her telling him very plainly that she did not love him then, now and never will. I tried to tell him a few times that I don’t believe it is T that he was in love with, it is what she portrays – the pretty blonde wife to complete the picture that he believes he must show to the world. I informed him before the two of us blew up that I believe now he is not in love with her, he feels indebted to her for what she does for his children. Gratitude is a great feeling, but it is not a feeling to base a marriage on! At the end of all of it he will settle because it is too hard to start over unless she ends this marriage…his words to me in December as I was calming him down and telling him that he did not want to kill himself and we started talking about his home life – what am I to do with the Catholic Church becoming more strict on divorce.
Oh yes, we mocked and rebuked each other…one of us became the abuser and one the abused. Was it because of this that that happened? I don’t know. I know that it started in December 2008. It started subtly, with an email filled with angst, confusion, emotions that were too much for him to handle. Too hard for him to handle! I thought that email was it; I thought he was going to do the goodbye right then but instead he started the yo-yo. For anyone who has been on the receiving end of psychological abuse who knows about withholding, you know all about the yo-yo. I need you, please come to me…wait no I can’t handle it, I can’t talk to you right now…I adore you and you give me strength to get through the hard times…I need space to deal with my issues myself…Oh that yo-yo where you don’t know if you are coming or going! The one that destroys self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust and so much more…I dealt with that particular yo-yo for 2.5 months. Then I got another round of it plus emotional blackmail and a little verbal abuse the following summer for 6 months…yes, I am stupid for allowing him back in. I trusted him with things about me that only 2 others knew, well because he said I could of course!!!! One situation he could have been a man and he refused, same situation my friend could have stepped up but didn’t, yet again same issue the Catholic (yeah the one who is so concerned about divorce) could have stepped in but was silent. He betrayed me in ways I never thought he would! Misrepresentation – he said he never lied – sure, the Order of Protection just happened I believe it – so we will play the verbiage game…abusing me – ya know if it would have been physical I could have handled it but he went for the part of me that matters! The part of me that should have meant something if our friendship ever meant something to him…I told him that if he ever wanted to abuse me to make it physical – the body heals and you can shut off the part that really, truly matters!!!
I guess he said it all in what should have been our last phone call, but wasn’t, when he told me that he hated me. He could have saved both of us so much time and frustration by not having to prove he is “the man”. He really didn’t need that notch on his belt, it’s not like he can even brag about it because it ruins his perfect façade. Oh well, lesson learned for me I guess. I dislike that this lesson took so much out of me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – isn’t that the saying?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)