Always...

Always is a word that I don't use very often. That word has meaning to me, I take it very seriously. That word didn't even make it into my wedding vows. When I got married we were given the choice to have the traditional vows, to choose from 7 variations that others have written, or to write our own. I choose to write our own because I was fearful of what were to happen in the future and I didn't want to make promises to someone that I couldn't keep...it is bad enough the marriage is kaput in the eyes of God. I pulled out the wedding vows - 'I take you A/K to be my husband/wife, and I promise you I will be faithful and honest; I will respect, trust and care for you; I will share my life with you and I will forgive you through the best and worst of what is to come until death parts us.' - I have done all of those things even continuing to share my life with him because he is the father of my child and I am still friendly with him. Some could say, well technically you were still married when you and R got together so you were unfaithful...I wasn't living with A - he was actually living with his girlfriend. Our marriage was over, we were just trying to get the money together for the divorce and trying to get everything sorted out so all that needed to be stated was child support/custody. So my faithfulness is a technicality call. I could have put always in those vows, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.

I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.

So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.

I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.