The Babies

February 2008...I started cramping and I knew exactly what was happening even as I was denying the fact he could have gotten me pregnant. In the morning I called the doctor to tell her that I had a miscarriage overnight. I informed her that there was still slight cramping and some spotting, but I was sure I had lost the baby. An appointment was set up to check and a DNC if necessary.

Upon arrival I was given paperwork to go to the lab for blood work. Once the blood was drawn I was told to go back to the doctor's office and wait. After what seems like an eternity, the doctor walked into the room. I knew by the look on her face she had something to say; she tells me that we have to go over to the main hospital for an early term ultrasound. I remember giving her the strangest look before saying in my most loving, sarcastic tone, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but a miscarriage means no more early term."

Dr, "you are still pregnant. Let's go."
Me, shocked and confused but not giving up, "I know what a miscarriage is and I had one!"
Dr, in that annoyingly soothing tone that they get, "We'll find out with the ultrasound."

On the drive over to the hospital I was afraid of what would be found. I had come to terms with losing a baby I didn't know existed. What was I going to do if I was indeed still pregnant? There was an apprehension, but I quickly decided that I would do whatever I needed to do in order to have a healthy, happy child! I got to where I needed to be and changed into that oh so sexy medical gown. The specialist walked into the room with my doctor. Here is more or less the conversation...

Me "Wow, where is my tech?"
Him "Not today. You get me and your doctor, lucky lady."
Me snort "Oh yeah, aren't I the special one?"
Him "Guess so. Please insert this..." {for those of you who have never experienced an early term ultrasound...a wand is inserted much like a tampon. Oh yes, it is a joyful experience}
Me "Well, at least ya used a condom! Not that I need one, right?"
Him laughing "smart ass"
Me "I don't use them, not supposed to be able to get pregnant"
Him "I think someone lied"
Me "I shouldn't be here. I had a miscarriage. If there is a baby in there, I slept with superman."
Him, after looking around for a minute or two "well ms lane, I hope you and superman are happy together."
Dr "I can make out the scarring from the recent trauma"
Him "There is a small amount of the secondary sac remaining"
Dr "I believe removing it would be detrimental to the remaining fetus"
Him "I agree. The placenta does not appear to be well placed or attached."
Me, almost at the point of tears, "I'm still here! Are you telling me that I have a child inside of me?"
Baby is pointed out to me...Dr "k, we have to start progesterone right away. Your test came back dangerously low for this stage of pregnancy."
Me "ok" {major freak out in 10...9...8...7...}
Dr "So, are you happy to be dating superman?"
Me "Oh we are not dating, I just slipped in his fortress once."

That was the first day of the start of major heartbreak! I did everything I could to save that child. I lost it 2 1/2 weeks later. I was not feeling well but I went to my second job anyway, I had an obligation. I started cramping but could not say anything for fear that someone may figure out what was going on and may guess at the identity of the father; so I stayed. One of the supervisors had frightened me earlier that evening so instead of leaving right after I was done for the night I stayed until I was sure everyone was gone. I finally left and went to the hospital, but I think I was already too late.

Once I was at the Woman's Evaluation Unit they hooked up the monitors. The baby's heartbeat filled my room. It was a relief to hear it beating strongly. They tried to stop the contractions, at least until the heart stopped beating. There is nothing louder than utter silence where once the absolute glorious sound of a heartbeat was once heard. The look of sympathy on those nurses' faces...I don't know how to describe the complete and total heartache I felt from losing those two babies. It took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding. Going through it alone was so hard, but I got through. On the one year anniversary I broke down; if it were not for the child I was carrying there is no way I would have survived.

March 2009...this second pregnancy was in a way easier to accept, but the end was so much harder to deal with. I accepted the fact that R could get me pregnant, so as soon as I had the slightest notion that I may be I immediately called the doctor. I was having health issues at the time so I was constantly in the doctor's office. What is one more blood test?!?!? I don't know how or why, but once that test came back positive everything with my brain and my heart issues changed. My main focus shifted to being positive, happy and having a viable pregnancy.

Health wise, mid to late December went pretty well. I received fantastic news from the neuro, no brain surgery required! The pregnancy was progressing well. Overall I was pretty happy at the time; at least until R decided to throw an emotional curveball at me. For the baby's sake I tried to put it aside and focus on staying positive.

January got a little rockier. I almost lost the baby twice in the first two weeks. The doctor started to worry which in turn made me worry. My upbeat mood was quickly turning and my rock, R, was not around for me to talk to about anything happening in my life because he needed space. Work had gotten crazy and A had decided to become even more unhelpful than normal. In late January my blood work came back with some abnormalities. I almost lost the baby again and was told the next time they were just going to have to let it go. The placenta had a slight tear and I was bleeding internally. It appeared as if my body was fighting itself. I was so tired. Not the normal pregnant tired; serious illness tired. It was a chore to do anything, but I forced it of myself. There was a thought that the baby's blood type was not compatible with mine.

In February I called R to find out his blood type. He wanted to know why, so I had to confess to him that I was carrying his child. That and the follow-up conversation were the hardest, worst conversations I had ever had with him until recently.

March came and I went into the hospital not wanting to end the pregnancy. Not an abortion according to the doctors, medically assisted miscarriage. This procedure was necessary for survival. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever done! Giving birth, having this miscarriage broke my spirit. Two arms, two legs, fully formed but oh so little at 5 3/4", 7.8 oz...I could tell she would have been beautiful given even half the chance to grow, to blossom. She was already starting to be one of those pretty babies even at that early stage, it was amazing! Who is so important that they should deem me any more important that she was? The fact that I took that precious little things life haunts me like nothing anyone can imagine. Upon my release from the hospital, I went home completely demoralized where I took a shower and cried for hours. The following Monday I got up and tried to act as if nothing in my life had changed even though everything had.

February 2010...my heart aches! I don't know that anyone could understand fully unless that went through it. It does not seem fair that so much pain happened in such a relatively short time frame. These anniversaries are only one year apart and separated by only 3 weeks. I have put one in the proper perspective and whereas it still hurts and I am not sure when the sadness I feel when I think of it will diminish I know I can take a deep breath and work past it; the other threatens to overcome me. Somehow I am supposed to pretend my world is ok.