There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!
We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.
October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?
Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.
There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!
I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.