School Daze

I HATE SHOPPING!

OK, I feel much better now. I purchased all of the school supplies that were not already in the cupboard...next year I will hate myself for not getting extra, but I was in and out of that store in 15 minutes! Yes, straight to the "back to school" area then back to stationary supplies because hello index cards for a 1st grader??? AND, someone want to explain the 12 glue sticks...not just glue sticks but WHITE! Elmer's I hate you! All of the Elmer's glue sticks are the disappearing purple so I had to head back to stationary to buy Rose Art (or whatever) which were like a $1 more expensive....wait did I just complain about a dollar???? Whatever, I had to buy 3 pkgs so that is like $3, which means the cost of a happy meal.......if I have to bust out and cook at home, I swear LOL

School clothes...not purchased. He doesn't have uniforms this year, so I am hoping that he can just hang on for the first month or 2 and then we can go get some new clothes. (I would really like him to hang on till Christmas and let Santa take care of it, but prob won't happen...hehehe)

Today

Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.

Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!

Fruit...or is it

Do you remember when blackberries were fruit that grew on bushes? If you lived near the country you could find a bush, pick them and eat em till you got sick...yeah!!! Good times! My grandmother had blackberry bushes...I preferred the raspberries, but I picked the blackberries for her too.

These days, when someone asks about a blackberry the first thing you think of???? BE HONEST!!!!


Yep, me too. I am currently in possession of 2, count them TWO...yes, my job is trying to kill me but it will take more that electronics to do it LOL They cannot win!!!! One more week... :)

First Day...

I would post a great big long story about my day and the excitement of the new position...but my friends, first and foremost my job's not that exciting; second, I am soooooooo tired {why yes, I am whining}; third, there is so much crammed into my lil, itty-bitty brain that it will explode if I try to suck any knowledge out of it at this time; and lastly I couldn't even if I wanted to get into it.

So, let me just state the obvious........I survived (barely) and bedtime is only 15 minutes away. We will be going to bed on time in this house! Nighty-night.

{No, I didn't use the Phoebe...more like the germophobe approach, no can't shake, sick}

First Impression - WINNER ;)

My new job starts tomorrow and I feel like garbage...actually more like I got run over a few times and then dropped in a dumpster. Ahhhh, what a first impression I am going to make! Excuse me while I blow my nose and forgive the death warmed over look, I hear it is oh so sexy and the new black!!!! Luckily, the person I report to already knows how awesomely cool I really am. Is it bad form to fall asleep at your desk on your first day in a new position????

OOOOOOOO....but let me share how awesome Doodles is. We were in the car on Friday, I had a headache and I looked like crap I know it. We were waiting on his father to meet up with us and my baby boy, I mean my big kid, blurts out of the blue...you're beautiful. I looked at him surprised and was like what? And he tells me, mommy you are beautiful. You have pretty eyes and a pretty smile.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW....how sweet and cute is this kid?!?! I think I'll keep him.

(yes, he did think deep thoughts at 2)

O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!

Moving...YUK

I got it...the apartment that is. Now, I just have to figure out how to pack a 2 bedroom apartment and move it from here to St Charles County between now and September 1...the trick will be the 2 weeks that I will be away on business. HMMMMMM.......hire someone you say?!?!? I am looking into it. I don't necessarily know that I have enough money for deposit, pet deposit, occupancy permit, rent and someone to pack and move me.

BUT...there is the whole safety thing to take into account. As in I do myself great bodily harm when I do anything domestic. Yes, I do kinda envy Misses M and her abilities...but we all have our strengths. I can, ummmmmm, welllllll, I am very stubborn :) (in about 21 and a half seconds we will see how well I beat my kiddos butt....remote control car ramming into my bed & the "computer plugs" - oh my child!!!) ANYWAY, as I was saying....last move I did pretty much by myself. 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment, well stubborn would be the word I would use in polite company. My TV fell on my foot. I have a 32" tube style TV (because well the other one went with the exe) and my arms are just not that big. Foot broken, toe dislocated, found out a few hours later...I had to finish what I was doing now didn't I?!?!? The computer desk got set on that same foot. Oh it was a mess! Poor foot. I think about it and I don't wanna move!!!!!!!!!! Am I a nuts?!?!?! Moving is icky!!!!

Yadda, yadda child closer to the father. Make his life more convenient. I got it! POSITIVE....fireplace, Santa doesn't have to use his magic to get into the apartment! A 6 year old outlook on life! How exactly do I get that back??? :)

Travel Advisory

It's time for me to fess up...I am the worst, most unlucky traveler in the world! I am sorry to my fellow passengers, to those of you who happen to be trying to sight-see at the same time as me, and/or to those of you unlucky enough to be stuck traveling on the same day/same airline as I am. Yes, you see, it is all my fault! No seriously...those delays mean that you have about a 95.3% chance that I am traveling. Oh, you don't believe me??? You are very kind!!!! Let me tell you about the latest...

I get to the airport for my 3:20 flight to BWI an hour and a half early...yeah, yeah I am a rule follower - and I figured I would grab lunch while I waited! Check my status, looks promising!!! Get done with lunch AND....flight delay, 4:05. Alright, ok...less than an hour, it's all good! I finally boarded my plane a little after 5:30pm! Hey, I am not complaining because I have had worse let me tell you. 2 hours 10 minutes...I'm down!

Tuesday afternoon my colleague and I decide to hit Fort McHenry. Get some of that history edumication. ;) hmmmmmmm, no charge??? OK. We get past the visitor area thingy and into the "inner sanctum" or whatever you want to call it and get stopped on the path into the Fort. WAIT just one cotton pickin minute here. Mr Park Ranger this here Fort closes at 7 or have you not received that news???? Hold up, are those Navy Seals in that boat, and those vehicles look awful familiar....darn it that's Secret Service! WTH?!?!? Oh, looky there, it's Mrs. Obama, her daughters and family minus the President (my hope is he was doing something official that is not ruining my life, but c'mon it's politics so not holding my breathe). OH YES I DID GET HELD THERE! 15 minutes later they let us go into the fort, but only part way...then we were held up again. It ended up being pretty funny because I actually don't mind making a complete a@@ of myself. We finished touring Fort McHenry, went back to the Harbor area and guess who we run into again!!!! OY VEY.....I was about ready to ask for an itinerary so I could go the other way ;)
(I tried very hard not to take a pix of her because hello rude she is with her family making her kids get a lil history just like our parents did to us and we do to our kids. This is actually of those guys behind the car....I totally love those outfits and want one. I would look really cute in that hat, yep I would rock it out!!!)







So, Wednesday comes and I am not scheduled for the meetings so I hit the aquarium in the morning - awesome!!! And then go over to the airport to see if I can get an earlier flight out. Original flight is scheduled for 7:10. I get to the airport about 12:30ish...check in and at the time all flights are booked, and running on time. Have we all guessed that this is not going to go well. 7 hours in an airport is just not enough for me....Let's just cut to the chase and tell you that I had no luck getting on one of those earlier flights and my flight didn't leave until 8:35pm.

Please do not get me wrong, this was a fantastic trip by my standards!!!! Whew, I would never, no no no.....no way....I mean that is just not nice to tell you about a bad trip. I am just warning you, if you hear that I am traveling, try not to travel on those days :)

Airport

And who says sitting at an airport is not productive...I got all of the posts put back on here that I had and that were re-sent to me. WOOT, end redundancy period. Back to the regularly scheduled BEEP fest :)

So, sitting in BWI, I tried to get on an earlier flight home......guess what -- all sold out! So, got here before noon will be here until my flight departs at 7:10. Good times!!!! Ah well, I will work a lil bit and play a lil bit and I got here early enough to get a comfy chair so my booty won't be yellin at me so bad. hehehe

Did take time this morning to go over to the Aquarium and see the dolphin show. I was frightened though! With my luck when I am traveling. I'll fill ya in on my trip later when I round it out with the return flight.

Wish

Have you ever wished for something so badly? I do…it is such a ridiculous wish, but it is something that I want so badly. I wish I could have a conversation with him. A real one, one of those conversations where everything was truthful…where we were both completely honest and forthcoming. No matter how badly the words hurt, I wish I could talk to him. I want to know why. Why me? What is it about me? Why did he treat me that way? I just want to understand. I thought he cared, so why????

See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.

It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.

Redundancy, BLUCH

Someone I trust contacted me regarding the going ons in regards to my blogging. She told me that she had been keeping track of things and was so proud of the progress that I was making. She asked me what happened...I explained and she told me that once again my emotions were being used against me, once again I was manipulated and I allowed it. She told me that she wanted me to really think about the conversation and reflect on it. She wanted me to contact her to discuss it further.

I talked to her about it and told her how angry I was about things. Only a therapist is pleased when someone tells them that you are angry. I told her that I was going to blog again, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say...the backstory was not there any longer. She wants me to add it again. She thinks I should repost - she told me that being able to look back and see the progress I have made just by purging it out it healthy. I don't have them all. She told me she grabbed some of them and would email them to me. Before deleting some of them I saved the ones that really spoke to me. So, in the next few days I will populate this blog with what I can from what I have deleted.

I detest being redundant. :)

Anonymity....nah

When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.

As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:

• I am a human being
• I have a right to my feelings
• I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
  
• The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs

My adult life has been hard, but through every hardship comes growth and a life lesson.

Strong Language Advisory...sorry

Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.

You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.

I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!