O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!