"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.
Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.
We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.
Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.