Plateau of who the hell cares

Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, nightmares...to get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.

Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........

I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!

I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"

He responds, "she's our baby"

"Give her to me!"

Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....

B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!

We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.

Safety - B is very worried right now.......how bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.

Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.

We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.

The Tornado (siren) that Brought Peace

I have an important update...Blankie has been found!!! And, yes given back to the 7 year old because still to this day I get the whiney 'I want blankie' episodes. It has been 2 months and I am not super mom...I am WEAK!

Last night, we had strong storms. I went to get the boy and put him in my bed. I just thought it a good idea with tornado warnings and all that jazz going on. About 11:30ish the tornado sirens start going off......I have mentioned that I live in an upstairs, 2 bedroom apartment, right??? So, I did what any sane, rational (tired, overworked) mother would do and I moved my shoes....and what do I find behind the suitcase as I was tossing the shoes over there -- BLANKIE, woo hoo!!!! I made a little bed in the closet for us, and we went to sleep. That's not wrong is it??? No windows, interior of the house and my clothes protected our heads............ok, well sorta. Anyway, I digress...thank you tornado, you have brought peace to the household once again. Happiness to the mother, glee to the child, and an endless amount of 'do you really need blankie' days ahead. I thank you, from the bottom of my mothers heart I thank you!!!!

The storms were not too bad here. A few shingles off the roof. Nothing like my old neighborhood where there are reports of a tree on a roof and many fences missing.

Tears

Downward spiral...tears. Lots of tears. I cried on the way home from Bible study tonight...no rhyme or reason, just BAM! All of a sudden my vision is blurry with tears and they start to fall down my face. I have cried myself to sleep twice this week. I woke up last night with my pillow damp, the flow still going.

I am trying to stop the spiral. Listening to upbeat music. Working, working, working. Doing whatever I can to think those upbeat thoughts. I know what comes next...I am trying so hard to divert it.

Hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, until it gets so bleak......I am trying, but the tears won't stop.

The Unglamorous Travel Life

Being me has become difficult to the nth degree. Not because of the drama...let's just keep that on the back burner. I am entirely too busy to deal with those schmucks (thanks Julie, I forgot what a fun word that is) at the moment. Let's discuss work (WHAT???) I know, I don't talk about it much. So we have discussed my dastardly travel woos in the past....welllllllll, my calendar has become my mortal enemy! OK, maybe that is a little harsh.

My calendar and I are so not on speaking terms right now. It totally refuses to add days. I need a day or two to be added...not to every month, just to March and maybe April. Not my fault that some of those people I work with need a little TLC and they are located in various locations.

Scheduled Trips:

1. Florida - 4 days
2. Cincinnati - 1 day then onto Boston for 2 days
3. NYC - 4 days
4. Cincinnati - 3 days
5. Los Angeles - 4 days
6. Cincinnati - 4 days
   
7. NYC - 4 days
8. Canada - 5 days

All of these trips have purposes in place....Mondays are my school days. I need to fit in another trip to Boston. All of these trips are between now and the second week of April -- yeah, it doesn't compute for me either.......that is why I am just asking for another few days to be put in the month. OY!!! The next two months are going to be interesting to say the least. I am putting my calendar to bed and will wrestle with it again tomorrow.

Have I ever told you how much I adore people who tell me that I am so lucky to travel so much. This is the unglamorous side of travel. Between all of this air time I need to fit this guy in:



Parent/Teacher Conference tomorrow...........yes, I will be nice ;) Mommy is my most important job. The pay is WAAAAYYYYYY better! Seriously, this evening alone I have been told I am pretty, and received 3 kisses & 2 hugs. There is no better payment -- seriously, look at him!

The Boss

Mommy - "My sheet is ripped. You get all the good things in life"

Doodles - "Nuh uh, you do!"

Mommy - "yeah, I do! I get to kiss you."

Doodles - "Well yes. But you you get to be the BOSS and that is the best thing."

Mommy - "the boss is the best? nah, kissing and hugging you is the best"

Doodles - giggles and walks away (under his breathe) "being the boss is the best best"

Growth, Wireless Bravado or Stupidity

Growth, Wireless bravado or Stupidity??? Well now, we all know that my stupidity knows no bounds so pair that with a little wireless bravado and we get today's action packed scene.

I went to pick up Doodles, who incidentally was outside with no shoes or jacket, asked him where his jacket was in that 'I'm your mother and don't you dare answer just get your jacket' tone. Yeah, it is nice outside, but not nice enough for my 7 year old to play outside shoeless, no jacket in a short sleeve shirt.

A, decides that I am a bitch, tells me so and tells me to get the F#^* off his property. I tell him I am done with him hanging up on me and with his attitude, and I am there to get my child. He tells me to wait in my F'kn car. Fine! OK! I get Doodles booster seat ready and send a text to A letting him know that he better not ever pick my child up without a booster seat again because I will turn him in for child endangerment. There will be no extra outings, or extra days...and once the divorce is finalized that visitation schedule will be in force. I will not work with him at all.

I receive a message (outside of the text messages above) stating that "I have been controlling my temper very well! But if u think u r going to come into my house and act like a bitch u r totally wrong. You will never do that!"

To which I replied (once again hello stupidity alert) "what are you going to do rape me again? throw me against another wall? hit me again? don't try to scare me - you have already done it all and I am no longer afraid of you. I just don't want our kid to find out what type of jerk you really are."

Seriously, you want to know what started all of this...Doodles was supposed to have a boy scout banquet. I dropped him off at his father's before church. I received a message that Doodles threw a fit and was embarrassing and that A would never take him anywhere again. Further in our text conversation A tells me he is limited in on what he and his child can do together because of the way Doodles acts....he is not going to allow Doodles to embarrass him.

Here is a little tip -- be the father. OH Wait, I have already given that tip to him and he doesn't want to hear it. His house, his rules!!!!!

Supreme Dorkiness

Have you ever done something so boneheadedly stupid that you question that it was really you? Last Monday on the way to school I stopped at the ATM (at the bank located in the grocery store) to get cash for my trip this week. While on my trip I noticed that I did not have my bank card. I didn't think too much of it, but was kind of concerned that I left it visible in my car that was parked at the airport.

When I got back I looked in my car and it wasn't there. I still didn't think too much about it. Last night I looked all over my apartment for my bank card and could not find it. I took three deep breathes, decided I would look again in the morning. I looked this morning in my apartment and in the car. NO BANK CARD! I called the branch office and had a hold put on it. I inquired about the last few purchases....thankfully they were all mine. So, I ran my errands this morning. Come back home and look through the laundry again and everywhere I can think of for my bank card. No luck. I finally decide that this card is gone and there is nothing I can do about it.

I go to the branch office at the grocery store because it is still open. While talking to the teller, I let her know what happened and pointed at the ATM and said that was the last place I saw it. She says to me, "hold on one second before I cancel this card. We have a card in the back, let me check." She comes back out with my card!!! YEP, I left it in the ATM machine.

I am such a supreme dork sometimes for such an intelligent girl. I cannot believe that I left my bank card in an ATM machine!!! Especially since in order to do that, I left the machine active in my account for who knows how long. Either a really honest person noticed or it timed out.

Hmmm....what's my lesson -- SLOW DOWN, nothing is so important that you need to move that quickly through life????

Spiritual Manipulation

There are things weighing on my mind. At therapy we talked about Spiritual Manipulation. B would like me to revist a few of the passages that have been used against me, warped. I've used this past week to think, to pray. I made an appointment with one of my Pastors. There is no way I can revisit those verses on my own. They agonize me in a way.

I do dread the conversation with my pastor explaining why I haven't read these verses. The backstory....UGH!

Letters of Intent: Theme Song

Letters of Intent Courtesy of Julie

Do you have a theme song? A song that you identify with more than any other...I do, its a song that I identify with. In 2002 I was probably at my loneliest. But, there was something under the surface; aching to break free. I had been fighting so long that part of me felt like there was nothing left to fight for. And then this song.....



Dear Self,

I know how hard it is not to give up. But you have to remember that there is always that voice...

Then from on high, somewhere in the distance There's a voice that calls,
"Remember who you are... if you lose yourself,
Your courage soon will follow,
So be strong tonight... remember who you are"

Yeah, your a soldier now,
Fighting in a battle,
To be free once more.
Yeah, that's worth fighting for

There is so many positive things in your life, that the little battles are worth it. Freeing yourself from isolation and fear is so worth that fight. What others say, that doesn't really matter...you are worth it. You have to remember that.

Sincerely,
learning to love myself

Snow Days

My patience is being tested with all these snow days...BUT WAIT -- not really. My trip this week was canceled so I get to spend lots of extra time with my Doodles. Yeah, by the end of the day we are both on our last nerves, but at the beginning we are so good! I may not be the happiest camper that school it out and I can't work, education is important! But I have a sword fight to get back to...catch ya on the flip side

image from CVG

Yeah, we will get to some educational stuff later.........