Monday, February 28, 2011

Plateau of who the hell cares

Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.

Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........

I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!

I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"

He responds, "she's our baby"

"Give her to me!"

Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....

B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!

We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.

Safety - B is very worried right bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.

Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.

We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.


ModernMom said...

Oh your dreams sound truly terrifying. Sending you hugs and wishes of sweet slumber.

M said...

I hope you already know this, but you can call me anytime, too. And you are always welcome to come visit us here, too... any day of the week, anytime.

I think I understand what you're saying about caring and suicide... because when you don't care about anything, you have nothing to lose... but when you start to care about someone or something and start to enjoy your life again, you DO care and the idea of someone coming in and taking it all away or hurting you is hard to deal with... it makes you feel vulnerable in an entirely different way... and after feeling depressed for so long, it's hard to feel happy, because you almost feel like you don't deserve it. But you DO deserve it and I know it's hard not to feel alone when the darkness starts to creep up on you, but you're never really alone... sooooo many people care about you. So many people are standing behind you, even if you can't see us.

My father-in-law's brother committed suicide just before my husband's high school graduation. He just couldn't take it anymore. His wife had left him and he was a "starving" artist. I think he did it because he cared too much... because he was worried that his life's failures were a burden to his loved ones. I don't think my FIL will ever be okay with it... he goes into a funk every May/June.

That's the thing about suicide, people do it because they care too much and they don't want to hurt or burden their loved ones any longer... but the wake of destruction from their suicide never goes away, so the suicide really has the opposite effect of what the person wanted. Well, that's my opinion at least.

Just don't forget, we love you! And you always have your hearts...

Rachel said...

What an awful dream! I am praying that God removes that and replaces it with a peace for you. That God will rebuild and bring you to a place of the good things He has planned for you.