Safe in God's Love

I have had a conversation with a friend about pain/suffering and God. She posted this quote, "You must choose character over comfort in order to experience true joy." This got me thinking that maybe people viewed pain as character. It was a thought provoking statement. Then others said things that pointed towards blaming God for pain and suffering in their lives. I cannot tell you how much that BOTHERS me! Why believe in a God who causes you pain? Who wants to believe in someone like that? God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son (John 3:16). God loves us! All of us, He does not want to cause us pain and suffering. It is people who cause pain. It is mankind that are to blame for the suffering, not God!

I have had a lot of pain in my life, I have suffered; I shared some of it on this blog, but that pain is not God's fault. My pain was caused by my sin or the sins of others. I shared this with my friend - I do not think God ALLOWS me to suffer....I never blame God for my suffering. I think that He does take those things that happen and uses them to as proof that HIS plan works and that with Him all good things can come....and if He can use the stuff the I (yes I) cause then wow, yes use me. How could I ever ask for forgiveness of my sins if I thought God was to blame for the things that I go through....that I cause??? I couldn't because I would be too busy saying I am going through this because of God. That is not how it happens - I am the cause of my sin which is the cause of my pain and suffering. God is the reason I am forgiven and the reason that I am able to get through -- He gives me the strength I need and ensures I know He is there.

I think those that blame God need to take a second look and really wonder how they can ask for forgiveness - if its not their fault what do they need to be forgiven for???? They need to realize that God is not to blame and is not the cause of their suffering and pain. Sins of the world, people cause pain.

I think that by sharing my story with others God is allowing that pain and suffering to be used to show how His love and redemptive plan can work in a person's life. If I can make it through all of the things that I have shared with faith, love, forgiveness and the knowledge that God has never forsaken me that may help someone out there realize just how great God's will is. Maybe they will see that they too can be safe in God's love...


Safe, Natalie Grant

My Super Starfish

Doodles is the Super Starfish next week...poster one day, story, family tradition, estimation jar, and finally favorite things. Now, this would not be an issue except I am back out of town starting Tuesday. I have everything ready, but I am going to have to depend on A to finish out the week. Oy...depending on one who has proven to be not so dependable. Deep breath, he is not going to fail! Positive thoughts....

Just Beautiful Me

"Who Says" -- for me so many......



I have had so many people tell me that I was nothing in their eyes. But really, Who are they to say that??? Are we not all created in God's image...was I not created by God in His image. Who are those people to tell God that He made something wrong?

Oh, the stupidity that I had to deal with yesterday was beyond all comprehension. I dealt with it like an adult, and then by going to those I know I can depend on to vent to. Yes, I said things in anger and frustration that I probably should not have, but I am not perfect and do not claim to be. All I can do is try my hardest to act in a Godly manner and when I fail, take those failures to God and ask for His help and forgiveness.

Anyway, it is really nice when one of the Disney/Nick girls puts out a really positive message like this song! "Who says your not perfect? Who says your not beautiful?....I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me!"

Letters of Intent: Honesty at any Cost

Brought to you by Julie

Dear R,

In Scripture we are taught when there is division to confront the person who did you wrong, to try and settle the differences, to forgive. If the differences are too big for individuals to settle among themselves, we are taught to seek the help of the church. I have tried to find complete and total forgiveness and it has alluded me. I am trying for peace in my life.

I am seeing a new therapist, a few weeks ago she had me go down a path that made me face things I was had been pushing down. Unwilling to face, unprepared to deal with. My therapist wanted me to face grief, but what surfaced was a whole host of feelings that I did not realize were there...buried. With grief came red, hot hatred. A feeling that I am uncomfortable with, a feeling that has been buried and seething deep inside of me for two years. One that I didn't realize was there; one that may be the wall holding up total forgiveness.

I hate you for not being a friend to me when you said that our friendship was what mattered. I hate you for not stepping up and being the man you are supposed to be. I hate you for putting so much pressure on me to always be there for you while you continually tore me to shreds - intentional or not. I hate you for allowing yourself to become the monster that would abuse children, your children, and a woman, someone you claimed to care about. I hate you for not ever standing up for yourself, and I hate you for taking the trust I had in you as a person and destroying that. I hate you for doing to me what you promised you would never do. I hate you for proclaiming promises mean something and finding out they mean nothing. I hate you for making me feel like something to regret, someone less than human, worthless. I hate you for ruining a really good friendship. I hate you for abandoning me, but mostly for abandoning our child. I hate that I cannot grieve without the thought of you and everything you did to me bubbling to the surface diminishing all else - I blame you for that, I hate you for that.

I have done things wrong and I take responsibility for my part. I allowed myself to lose control. I allowed myself to be used by you. I allowed our friendship to go up in flames. I was not strong enough to stand up to you and force you to step up. I put your feelings before my own, and before our child's. I apologized to your mother, even knowing you would be upset by it -- I am ashamed of that. I should have sent the apology to you to pass on when you were ready. I allowed you to think that I had something to do with things that I had nothing to do with in order to ensure that you hate me...I felt it would create a better home life for you if you could honestly say you hated me, even as I know hate is as un-Christian a feeling as a person can have. I allowed myself to get upset enough to call after opening night when I should not have, it was not a healthy conversation for either of us. You stated I contacted you more than I believe I have...if I did it would have been in error and against the entire reason I changed all of my contact information...changed my entire life -- but that is neither here nor there, you say I did and I am going to take you at your word and apologize. Please believe that I did not mean to. I have a lot of shame because of what I allowed, because of some of the things I did, and for the feelings I harbor......but that is all me - my responsibility to face it. I am letting you know, only so that you realize that I am truly sorry and filled with an immense amount of sorrow for the things I did, I allowed.

I am hoping that by admitting to my feelings...allowing the hatred to run through me that the love I have inside of me will expel it from me. True, complete forgiveness comes from a place of love. I do not want to feel hate for you, frankly I would prefer to get to that loving, forgiving place as soon as possible. I pray for it nightly. I understand that everything will happen in God's time and as He wills it to be. I hope that by settling the division between us, God is pleased enough to see that forgiveness is achieved and He allows you to fade into the recesses of my memory banks.

I have hopes that God is taking the devil's temptation that was put in your path in 2006 and turning it into a healthy, marriage where the two of you serve each other in Christ. I have faith that whereas it may have been temptation and sin that lead to your marriage, God will work to make it right if you and T allow Him to work in your lives. I pray for happiness for you and your family.

"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Gal 5:18-24 (Christian freedom means walking and conducting oneself, by the Holy Spirit's power and leading. The sinful flesh, consumed by self-importance, instinctively looks down on others...At Baptism we were united with Christ, who dies to set us free from sin and the way of the law -- O Holy Spirit, give us daily victories over sin in our personal life and above all the power to love one another. Amen.)


Sincerely,
one who seeks peace

Memorial

So, I have been thinking about it and I think that I have decided on a way to deal with that grief that B says I am not facing, while giving something to my community. A tree memorial...I will donate a tree to the park department in memory of love, joy, dreams that ended before they began. A living thing that will reach full bloom. I think a flowering tree would be appropriate. Something pretty, something special. Something I can go past and know is there because I loved.

Pour Your Heart Out: Playgrounds are Weird

I call while I am away on business. Doodles catches me up on his day. He shares stories and secrets.

The playground has become a difficult place for Doodles. He feels left out. There are a group of 4 that play together, Doodles being one of those. As the game goes on 2 follow 1 and Doodles feels left out. (funny how the 1 and Doodles are the best of friends when they are one on one - kids stump me...)

The playground is a weird place. It is where cliques are formed. Where otherwise friendly people become someone else. Where make-believe happens. And, where bullies thrive. Yeah, the playground is a weird, weird place!

Doodles is not being bullied, he just...I don't know, doesn't assert himself into the situation so his voice is not heard. He pulls away and feels left out.

This causes problems...I can pinpoint the days when this happens. He doesn't know how, but I can. He is not good in social situations anyway, so having a playground disappointment starts a downward spiral. Temper Tantrums during otherwise enjoyable activities such as computer lab, library, or other resource activities that are individual and quiet based.

It disturbs me that all I can do is to ask how his day was and how it went on the playground...that weird, weird playground.


PYHO is 1!! Congrats Shell!

It's a Sickness

Sick...I do not do sick well. Migraines, sure. I don't like them but I am used to them. Depression, ok. I can deal with it.

But the fire behind the eyes. The nose thing. Coughs and achy muscles. What is that??? I have no time to pick a fight with death.....he happens to be knocking at my door and I am stubborn enough to not answer --- Too busy I yell! Meanwhile, my eyes really just want to close and curling up under my blankie would be nice.

School you say. Yes. Must go to school. I won't whine, I want to, but I won't. I will buck up and not whine.

While I try and convince myself that this is just a lil ole cold and nothing more....ya'll should check out Once Upon a Miracle and her huge CSN Giveaway. Things I Can't Say is giving away Just Dance 2, and I know there is more but I ammmmmm siiiiiiicccccckkkkkkk........

Co-Sleeping Commentary

I had a short chit-chat with A this evening. Topic, co-sleeping. Reason....apparently his 18 year old daughter moved in. So, it appeared to be the time to have a talk. If room and a bed was found for an adult, then a bed could be found for his 7 (almost 8 year old child). Doodles does not need his own room, there are other boys in the house that, in my mind, could share a room w/ Doodles. That would be fine.

I have nothing against co-sleeping up to a certain point, I actually think it is healthy for the child and the parents - especially the mother. But, after a certain age it just gets creepy. A child needs their own space to do those things that human beings do. Especially boys, if mine is anything to go by. He is 7 and I have found him after bath touching parts of his body for no other reason than "Mommy, it feels weird." [No, no, no....I need more time before this particular topic needs to be discussed and that whole thing - denial runs strong in me I can withstand at least another few months!!!!!! Just how does one talk to a boy about these things???? UGH HELP!?!?!?! yes I will admit to the BIG FAIL, and tell you that I told him not to touch himself.] Not only that, but I believe it assists in achieving a good nights sleep, and to have that one place they can run to when it all gets to be too much. A child NEEDS a space after a certain age. In my opinion, that age is 6 or 7 (I put my foot down at 5 - he was no longer able to sleep with me just because he wanted to)......after that co-sleeping should be based on fear or special circumstances.

But, apparently, those other boys in that house run the house. Refusal to share a room with Doodles. So, it is co-sleep or have his father sleep on the couch. Ridiculous situation. I think the co-sleeping situation is bordering on creepy.....but the fact they are letting a pre-teen and teenager rule the house is just poor parenting.

Dinner Break

I am going to take this short break to let ya'll know, these are the moments that I miss when I am out of town. Doodles and I are having the best day. It started with the Wii, and then as soon as it got warm enough, about 11 ish we went outside and have stayed out for the majority of the day. I LOVE having the playground outside my apartment door!!!!

Now it is dinner, after we are going to Wii for a few then watch MegaMind OnDemand(R).

What a FABULOUS day!!!!!

The Battle has been Selected

I just wanted to follow up on the whole hate thing. This past week was filled with tears and reflection.....I have to allow hate into my being...

Yep, I am acknowledging it as a valid emotion. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. But, as much as I would like to bury it in the dark recesses of myself, or run and hide from it I just don't think that would be healthy.

I am looking at it like a germy disease. When ya catch something the red/white blood cells come out and do battle until that germy nasty is gone and ya are back to yourself. Well, maybe emotions will work the same way. Maybe the Strength/Love that I have inside of me will go to war with this gross ole hate-bug and push it out of me until it is no more.

Forgiveness comes from a place of love. If you are not feeling love in your heart, there is no way to find forgiveness for the things that have taken place. There is a whole lotta forgiving that is still left to do and I am obviously not in a loving place.

Love always wins over hate: it is a truth that I know. I have a fair share of love floating around inside of me, so the battle inside may be epic but everything will work out.

Letters of Intent - Topsy Turvey

Dear A,

You are one of the most self-absorbed f#%^kwits I have ever met. Dealing with you racks up my stupidity points.

Sincerely,
how soon til July



Dear Place of Business,

Once again you have proven yourself to be my place of comfort. The place that raises me up when my personal life drags me down. This time though, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty! A 3% merit increase, a 2% salary increase and a very lucrative bonus?!?!? The monetary is not what has me flabbergasted, it is the words written on the performance evaluation. From the facilities stating that I have become a part of their teams even as I work for the entire group, to you boss-man praising without end and calling me a "valued asset" and looking forward to the next year, to being told I was undervalued and the expectation of greatness from someone who I respect so much at the corporate level. All of the words written are a soothing balm that have even reached beyond the professional to the personal. OH NO, I will not let you down place of business!!!

All my best,
appreciative employee

Dear Hatred,

I acknowledge you. I know you are there and who you are aimed at. I have not fully explored all of the reasons why I hate him so, but I will allow you to run your course. Please hurry, you make me uncomfortable.

Me

These Hard Times

"All we need is some relief" YEP!!!!


"Say Goodbye
These days are gone
We can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times"

Let go...say goodbye....give it up and try to find peace....the hard times are over....memories are all there is and holding onto the negative loses the positive. Good Theory -- I need to put it into action!!!!!!!!

HATE

Hatred seeps through my heart and gushes into my veins. I HATE HIM! For so long now I have done my best to keep my feelings pushed down, not allowing them to surface. Unwilling to face the unbearable pain that hatred brings.

B just wanted me to face my grief; she had no idea what was bubbling underneath. The hot, molten liquid that is hatred and grief mixed into a cocktail that I cannot handle. Now it is here, on the surface, strong and unbending. All afternoon I have been trying to get it back under control....it is not working. I want to find him. I want to hit him. I want to physically hit him. I hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE him.

It's not Christian....it's not appropriate to hate. Ya know what B said........I look down like I am filled with shame. I am. I am ashamed that I am so filled with this burning hatred, I am ashamed that my choices brought my to this place, I am ashamed at what I have become. And, I am ashamed that I cannot even grieve properly without hatred for Rob.....

I can't do this!!!

STOP judging me

The case made it on the dockets....again! July 11th we meet for the case management conference and schedule the final entry of judgment! WOOT!

This song provided by the thought of STOP judging me! Seriously, I am NOT doing anything wrong. "why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more...." I'll tell you why, because there are bigoted idiots out there who don't care about the story behind the process, all they care about is the end result is "wrong". No you buncha jerks, not this time!!!!! This is oh so right in all the eyes that matter.




And, here we go into angryville......oh boy. I'll try to control it and not take it out on the people who read this blog..............

I need a kick in the pants

So, I took the time and allowed Doodles to vote for the Kids Choice awards. I figure my TV may be permanently tuned into Nick so, why not. Ummmmm, he placed a vote for Kristen Stewart peeps. Ahhhhh, I would be worried if I did not realize how into vampires the kid is these days. Otherwise it was all Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.

Yes, I am aware that all of it could nothing but a bunch of procrastination. Giving into the boy so I do not have to finish my paper. There is only 4 more pages to write and I know it won't take that long to crank it out, but UGH -- don't wanna. I need a kick in the pants.

Gems like these

Doodles was dropped off a little while ago and we are watching Wizards of Waverly Place together...a wizard just told Alex and her werewolf boyfriend they had to break up.

Doodles, "It's their relationship. He needs to get out of their love life." Oh and the seriousness of it all was too much for me!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHA.....I am sorry, but it is gems like these that crack me up! He is 7 and spouting his disgust for nosiness already. And, the knowledge about relationships????? Not from me...one too many Nick a/o Disney TV shows I think...

Yep, he can make me laugh no matter how down I am!

"Perfect by Nature..."

Love for the broken heart...

Some do not understand my beliefs, especially with what I have gone through. It's hard for some to fathom my turning towards instead of away. When I am down, feeling so close to being out I know God hears me. Pain is physical, it is only going to be with me while I walk on this earth. I have an eternity of joy waiting for me; it's promised.

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart


I hope that you enjoy this song as much as I do....

The Great Big Whatever

I don't feel like it anymore. Are you wondering what "it" is....working, blogging, therapy, school...pretty much anything outside of Doodles - I don't feel like it.

Yes, I know that is not good. Holding everything inside is bad...blogging allows me to do purge of it all. But I am so sick of facing my feelings...that's normal, right? I hope that is normal...

Anyone who knows me will be shocked by my next statement.......I turned down the oppirtunity to join the mentoring program at work. I don't feel like it, so I said not right now. In a few months, I will probably kick my own butt -- but right now it gets a great big WHATEVER!

I am going to sit in my hotel room and eat my milk chocolate Dove candies..........maybe the whole bag. If I gain weight, who cares???? In awhile, I will -- but right now....Whatev!