Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: Mommy-Guilt

Courtesy of Shell

Mommy-guilt. I have an acute case of guilt, the mommy kind. I have the best son ever (no bias here)...I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this kid more than anything, but...

There are times when my 7 year-old acts more like an adult than I want. I do not want him to grow up too soon, but he is and it's my fault. There are days when I cannot get out of bed because it is just too much work. Doodles knows how to make himself a PB&J or a hot dog in the microwave. There are days when my head hurts so much that moving is not an option. Doodles can get my heat pack warmed up and a wash cloth for my head. There are days when all I can do is cry. Doodles takes care of me.

That is not the way this relationship is supposed to work - I'm the parent. I should be taking care of him, getting his lunch, making sure he plays. He should never have to take care of me. Doodles should be able to be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

no, he was not taking care of me here, 2 and my lil helper, but it feels like this is what I make him do for me.

There are times when my 7 year-old talks to himself. In school, at home, on the playground...talking/singing to himself is how he regulates his emotions. If he is too tired, too stimulated, too nervous, too anxious that talking just gets louder. People are going to look at him like he is insane...but he isn't, he is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. I don't know what to do; as he gets older I don't know how to explain that others do not understand.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - he's supposed to be carefree. I cannot help but have a huge amount of guilt. Did I do this to him by pushing this divorce forward? Do I do this to him by being the way I am? Would he be more well adjusted if he didn't have so many changes in the last year and half? Do I travel too much? Doodles should be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

yep, takes pictures of himself

There are times when my 7 year-old is just that, a loud, rambunctious, crazy kid. And, I lose my temper. I yell, and that harms my Doodles. He is so sensitive and he has issues with his hearing sensors, and I yell. I hate that about myself.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - I'm the mommy. I should have patience and understanding for my baby boy. I cannot stand to lose it with him; he is just being a kid. That wonderful, beautiful little boy that I want him to be.

I have so much mommy-guilt and it eats away at me. Doodles and I are so close. I want so much for him!!! Mostly, I just want him to be happy because I love that kid! He wants to go to a hockey game...I need to stop making excuses and take him.

"I love you
And that's all I know"
lyrics from Five for Fighting All I know
from Chicken Little - scene between dad and Chicken Little...

"There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you"
- Celine Dion


Shell said...

It never quite turns out how we think it should go. We all just do the best we can with our kids.

Foursons said...

Shelly's right. You do the best you can with what you have. Quit guilting yourself, it's not helping either one of you.

Doodles will be fine and you are doing a good job.

ModernMom said...

I think every Mama in the world has Mama guilt. As someone who has HORRIBLE Migraines. I get this! Hnag in there baby, hopefully we are both raising compassionate loving people:)

Rachel said...

Ahh, I know the mommy guilt feeling well!

He sounds like a great kid!

M said...

Hmmm... I was feeling some massive mommy guilt on the same day as you. Horrible feeling! But like everyone else has said, we can only do our best. Doodles is a good kid and he knows you love him! And I love that pic of you and baby Doodles... so cute!