For those of you that have read me blather on this probably not going to come as a surprise....to those of you who may not have read here is some insight from my new therapist:
I want things done now!
SURPRISE???? I didn't think so. My therapist summarized my last two therapy sessions and what she sees so far...I want the forgiveness to come quickly, I want the healing to be there. And since it is not she believes that I am being very hard on myself. I have been through a lot (hmmm, really?!?!) and I should allow myself time to grieve, feel the pain, forgive myself before I start beating myself up for not forgiving the people responsible for causing the pain.
I have thought a lot about that the last 2 days and spot on!!! What happened in my marriage happened over the course of 13 years...I have been married 15 (and still counting, but I'm not bitter Illinois, nope not bitter at all). I didn't forgive in those first 2/3 years...there was a lot of pain for years. It took a long, long time to realize that it wasn't my fault, that I was worth more than what I had, that no one would look at me as a whore for what happened to me. Being raped was not my fault and I did not have to marry the person who victimized me. It took me a long time to forgive myself for the predicament that I found myself in and to figure things out. Once I forgave me, that is when I was able to forgive A. With everything that happened with the other, the babies, manipulation and psychological stuff...I really do blame myself for a lot of that. I should have been stronger, I should have been -- well, whatever I should have been I was in the beginnings of divorce, being on my own for the first time and completely uncertain of everything. I was not strong, by any stretch of the imagination - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically I was weak and tired. So, I need to take a step back and review things from a forgiveness of self angle.
Now that we know that, I will let you all know that there is a new boy. I am not going to spill too much because I am in the process of ruining that by being a total headcase. I will tell you he is very nice and he tells me I am pretty.
Eminem - When I'm Gone
(just a song I like)