Monday, October 11, 2010

Things I cannot say

I do not know how to TELL you or anyone the depths of my feelings. I cannot speak of them because of the tears that drown out my voice, the ocean of feelings that I stand in that threatens to drown me. I cannot open my mouth because I stand to deep, I will drown! The water in which I stand is just below my nose; I feel as if I take even one quick deep breath it will be over. I have tried to swim out of this, I hear all of you!!! It surrounds me and it does not get any more shallow, it does not subside...I have tried because I know the importance to all of you. But now, I stand frightened...stagnant...unable to move forward or back because I just do not know which way to go. I stand defeated but unable to surrender.

Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...

A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.

A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.

The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.

A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........


Rachel said...

I think that choice says more about someone else than about you.

Only God can change hearts. And heal yours.

Would give you a hug if I could.

M said...

You are useless to someone like HIM. Because he wants to control you, use you, hurt you... but you're fighting back. Yes, he gets you down from time to time... but he can't keep you there because you're stronger than he is and you're determined to become whole again... so yes, you are useless to HIM. The only people of value to an abuser are people who stay down and don't fight back. He used to be able to manipulate you but he can't anymore, so he has no use for you. All he has left are his last desperate attempts to try and pull you back down into the darkness before you can step completely into the light and out of his reach permanently. He knows you're almost there and he's losing his grip on you.

But to the rest of us you are a wonderful, kind, inspirational person. And a damn good friend, too. You helped me through one of the most painful times in my life, so I have to say your friendship is priceless to me.

And to the people who may come across your blog and read what you've written and apply it to their own lives to help them heal from their own painful pasts or to help them simply become more compassionate people after reading about your own experience... you aren't useless to them either.

kc said...

I hold on to the following quote and it helps gets me through...

"God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-7

M, thank you. There is a reason for everything and if I can help even one person then my writing about these things is worth it.