Holloweeny

Happy Sunday......Happy Reformation Day.......ok, I'll play along Happy Halloween!

It is only 3:00 and I just want to go to bed....I feel as if I have already put in a full day. Church, lunch date, fits from Doodles (before church, before I dropped him off at his dads, ya know I think staying up watching Harry Potter may not have been such a great idea....), I have worked some.....ahhhh, I am just sleepy now. BUT, Doodles is due to be dropped off at 7 and we are to drive over to my friends, I am to have my laundry done and be packed for the trip. Who gave anyone to pack 2 full days into one???

Here is an update on new boy...I have failed in the scaring him off thing. We are still going strong and have plans for a few weeks from now.....future plans???? Oh my!

And the winner is...

I would like to refer to the bottom of this post...yes, those were my words that said I could not stand Gretchen so she would probably win Project Runway. The finale just aired and who do you think won???? UGH!!!!!! Shoulda been Mondo....he was more likable and had better clothes. :-) Yep, its always the ones I cannot stand.

Honesty

Integrity, honesty, truth, candor, trustworthiness....whatever word you want to use it is so very important to me. I feel that it is the last thing that I have. It is the one thing that they have not been able to take from me.

I allowed them to take my self-esteem, my feelings of worthiness, self-trust, value - and so much more. I lowered myself and did things that eat away at my insides. Yes, I am working on all of these things...by the Grace of God I will somehow find the strength, wisdom and understanding to recapture my value and my worth. I will learn to trust in myself again. And, those things that eat at me will be silenced and be locked away in a compartment in my mind as a learning experience; hopefully never to be opened again.

When one questions me, I will answer and it will be an honest answer. If I perceive even a hint of someone calling me a liar, I will snap. I will not calm down...I have a right to protect the one thing I have left. I will not allow anyone to take away my integrity, my honesty. It is what I use to write this blog. It is what I use to talk about the horrors of my life in therapy. It is what I use as the last thread holding my life jacket together.

No, I refuse to allow anyone to take that away from me.

Passing GERMS

Driving home from school can be a dangerous situation at times. I need to tell my child to keep things like the following conversation for when we are sitting at home or the park...ya know somewhere where my eyes can bug out and I can stifle my laugh without killing us. Maybe a muzzle -- do they make muzzles for 6 year old boys????

Doodles "Daddy kisses Girlfriend"

Me "Yeah"

Doodles "Daddy Kisses Girlfriend ALOT!"

Me "mmmmmmm"

Doodles "Daddy tried to take a bite out of my Slim Jim."

Me "So???? Sharing is nice."

Doodles "THATS GROSS!!! Daddy kisses girlfriend, and that is PASSING GERMS."

Me "ummmm, what is I find a boy that I want to kiss?"

Doodles "That's ok."

Me "But, then I won't be able to share your stuff anymore. I might want to kiss a boy a lot."

Doodles "In that case I will just have to deal with the germs."

Me "oh, why? I wouldn't want you to do that."

Doodles "Mommy, I LOVE you. We share everything. We are always going to share even when you do kiss boys."

Ahhhh the horror and exasperation that filled that conversation was so funny!!!!

Forgiveness...

For those of you that have read me blather on this probably not going to come as a surprise....to those of you who may not have read here is some insight from my new therapist:

I want things done now!

SURPRISE???? I didn't think so. My therapist summarized my last two therapy sessions and what she sees so far...I want the forgiveness to come quickly, I want the healing to be there. And since it is not she believes that I am being very hard on myself. I have been through a lot (hmmm, really?!?!) and I should allow myself time to grieve, feel the pain, forgive myself before I start beating myself up for not forgiving the people responsible for causing the pain.

I have thought a lot about that the last 2 days and spot on!!! What happened in my marriage happened over the course of 13 years...I have been married 15 (and still counting, but I'm not bitter Illinois, nope not bitter at all). I didn't forgive in those first 2/3 years...there was a lot of pain for years. It took a long, long time to realize that it wasn't my fault, that I was worth more than what I had, that no one would look at me as a whore for what happened to me. Being raped was not my fault and I did not have to marry the person who victimized me. It took me a long time to forgive myself for the predicament that I found myself in and to figure things out. Once I forgave me, that is when I was able to forgive A. With everything that happened with the other, the babies, manipulation and psychological stuff...I really do blame myself for a lot of that. I should have been stronger, I should have been -- well, whatever I should have been I was in the beginnings of divorce, being on my own for the first time and completely uncertain of everything. I was not strong, by any stretch of the imagination - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically I was weak and tired. So, I need to take a step back and review things from a forgiveness of self angle.

Now that we know that, I will let you all know that there is a new boy. I am not going to spill too much because I am in the process of ruining that by being a total headcase. I will tell you he is very nice and he tells me I am pretty.




Eminem - When I'm Gone
(just a song I like)

It's FINALLY here...

today is the day my life finally becomes my own....there now I have gone and done it. NOW, I will get to the courthouse and the judge will laugh in my face and say "SUCKA, I don't think so!!!" But, our day in court is 1 hour and 15 minutes from RIGHT NOW! I will be divorced and my 15 year marriage will be at an end.

New Chapter.........


UPDATE:

After sitting in the court house for 2 1/2 hours before being called for our case it has been determined that this chapter must go one. No, no need to re-read! I AM STILL MARRIED! I am so frustrated! That is $800 down the drain...starting back at square one because as of 10/31 the state of Illinois loses jurisdiction and the State of Missouri gains! So, how much more money can I spend trying to divorce this guy???? How much more time can I spend spinning these wheels??? This too I will overcome....I believe I have already read this chapter, so nothing shocking is going to happen. Same ole, same ole!!!

{But, I did call it, didn't I????}

Moving Forward

We must all move forward in our lives or get run over by those to inconsiderate to watch where they are going. I am honest enough to tell you I do not want to...I just want to sit and wait for my judgment day to come. But I am also realistic enough to understand that if I stay stagnant it not only affects me but my child. Knowing this I took steps in the last week to take a few tentative steps forward.

First, I started therapy with a new therapist at a local Seminary. I like that we start and end with a prayer. It makes me feel very good that I bring my Christianity into my therapy. Like this time I really may get the mind and spirit in tune together. The things that have happened in my life have harmed me mentally, emotionally and physically...but have strengthened me spiritually. I am hoping that this route will give me strength and heal me mentally and emotionally. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door will open, seek and ye shall find.

Second, I proactively went out of my way to break my isolation. I went to lunch with a friend after church. I am proactively seeking someone to hang out with, to go places, to talk to that is older than six. Not that I mind talking to my six year old...but an adult conversation may just be in order sometimes.

Lastly, I have started taking a few minutes every morning when I wake up to mediate in a way. I take a few deep breathes, force a smile, and think about the blessings in my life...I have so many. I do think until the smile is no longer forced but a natural, soft smile. Today was a good day, even with the dentist and A.

Now to vent about the bad parts of the day...bad being a relative term, they didn't take the smile from my face...

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?? Well, I do!!!! I have dentist stories that are True Story Tuesday (Rachel's blog) worthy. So, I had to go today to get my left side cleaned...yeah one side at a time, I get the deep periodontal cleaning. And, I got 2 minute cavities filled. As much as I hate the dentist, I cannot stand for them to tell me that I have even a spot developing...FILL IT, DRILL IT AND FILL IT!!!! Yes, I am that freak. You all have heard that freak in the dentist office and yes it is me. :) I hate when my mouth is numb, it drives me insane!!!! UGH....I have to go back next week and get my right side done.

Then after work it is scout night...A picked Doodles up and I went to go get invitations for his birthday party. I was in Target and in walked Doodles and A, apparently they needed a glue gun for some project. A hands it to me and asks me to pay for it. WTH??? How did I get stuck with buying a glue gun? And where is that glue gun?????? Not that I like to repeat myself overly much, but UGH!!! That man is unbelievable some times.

Now to leave you with something positive, because it was a good day...apparently I won something. I know, What??? I won first prize in the Scout Raffle. $300 Best Buy Gift Card. Woo Hoo. Doodles birthday present........

The Mommy-vent

Why does it seem that the days when you are the most emotionally drained that things do not go as planned? Doodles is throwing a fit as we speak. I have no patience for it.

I made him get in the bath at 7:30. I have been telling him to get washed up since 8:01. Finally at 8:31, I put my foot down. At 8:47 he comes into my room asking if he can skip teeth so he can watch TV. I tell him no, he wouldn't be watching TV anyway because of the time. To which he starts whining, why didn't you remind me. AHHHHH! I tell him to go get his teeth brushed and he storms out of my room in tears. Not just tears, but an all out crying fit! I stormed after him, told him that he was grounded from TV for the weekend and brushed his teeth myself! There will be no crying in this house about the damn television!!!! He is not allowed to watch that much TV anyway. And he knows how I feel about him crying about it. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! I do not know what goes on at his father's house, but here....no, just no way in hades is that child throwing a fit about the TV.

Did I go overboard....probably, its his bad luck that he caught me on a day when I have a headache from to many emotions. He best hope he stops muttering "radio" loud enough so I can hear it in the next 3 minutes or I am going to fly into a rage.

End mommy-vent.

Marriage, the long story

I have given you the short story, but since it is all fresh it is time to come clean and be open with you about my marriage. I would love to tell you a story about birds singing, butterflies, happiness and happily ever after but this is where I am honest. The thing to remember is I am so blessed - I have Doodles and I have an inexplicable ability to forgive, that is my gift.

He walked in one Sunday afternoon shortly before closing and I asked if I could help him find anything. He wanted something new to listen to so I suggested a few new bands that had come out. He bought them and I kicked him out of the store, we were closing and I was nothing if not in a hurry to get home. I was 18. He came back a few weeks later and one of the guys asked if I was going to have another one (i had a stalker, it was bad but got taken care of). I shrugged and waited to see if he was going to come into the store with his friend. They did and he asked me to go out bowling with them, I was going to say no but they convinced me by telling me 2 of my friends from the mall I worked at were going.

We were seeing each other for a few weeks and I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was planning on staying that way until my wedding day. I would understand if that was not something he was interested in and if he didn't want to pursue a relationship knowing the limitations on the intimacy. He said he was ok with it and we continued to see each other. My birthday came and went. At the end of April he asked me to meet him at his place. I said ok; when I got there we sat to watch a movie. I asked where everyone was. He told me that they all canceled at the last minute, it was just the two of us. I was uncomfortable, but it was just a movie. He started messing with me and I told him I was not comfortable with that and asked him to stop. One thing lead to another and he did not stop. I kept saying no and he kept going. I was crying and pushing...he pushed back until my virginity was no more. He rolled away from me and I got up, pulled my clothes on and went home in shock.

He called me the next day and told me that I could be pregnant. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that my beliefs told me that I had to marry him now. I couldn't deny anything he said. Inside it was as if I had deflated...all I could think was he is right, if I do not stay with him I am a whore. Every time I found out I was not pregnant he pushed himself on me. For almost a year I lived this way. Until Feb when we had the accident.

I finally started to think in that hospital room. I almost lost my life...I am worth more than this! No one will think I am a whore because I was raped, no one needs to know I was raped...I had sex with one man! I am going to be fine. I need to break free of this. I was gaining strength inside. But, getting out of the hospital......that was another fine mess.

As soon as I started physical therapy he moved up to Wisconsin in with my parents. I stayed in Illinois to complete my therapy and to pack our stuff. We were moving. When I arrived in Wisconsin I was busy trying to find a job and get on my feet. June came and my mom and him sat me down and told me the wedding was planned and paid for all I had to do was go buy a dress. My mom was taking me that next weekend. Wait, I told you that I wanted to postpone this...possibly cancel. Why is this planned???? Paid for???? So, I was swept along from recovering from my accident (did I mention I almost died) to getting married in 6 months.

About a month after my little sister and I were talking and she told me about him and my older sister. What did they do? They had sex while we lived in Illinois? OMG!!!! I am married to him. I cannot do anything about this now.

He continued to force me to be with him. I was his wife and I did my wifely duty. It was not good. About a year into my marriage someone came into our apartment and forced himself on me. This man had a knife and it was so scary. Turned out that this was one of his "friends" from the bar. Oh, he was liking the big city life. Awhile after that traumatic incident, he forgot to pick me up at work. I was working in a little town about 8 miles from our town. The walk was down a country highway that was not at all busy in the middle of the night. I worked second shift. After work I tried to get in touch with him to no avail. Everyone was gone so I walked. About halfway home this car started creeping behind me. I walked faster, I ran. The man ran after me, tackled me in a corn field. He had his face covered so I do not know who it was. The next morning he asked me how my walk home was. I will never know if he was behind it, but I believe that he was in the car. After this I became very obsessed with STDs. I went everywhere to get tested. I paid out of pocket. It was insane! Until my doctor calmed me down and told me she would test me yearly.........I still get tested. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable knowing that this didn't do physical damage.

Anyway...I put him through college. I found a job that I enjoyed. When he got out it was supposed to be my turn to go back to school. When he noticed that I was starting to get friends, enjoying my job he announced that we were moving. I didn't have a choice!!!! He had already quit his job and found a new one. For years we moved every time I got comfortable in a place until we landed in the St Louis Metro area.

Here I got a good job. One I ended up loving. I was gaining courage and strength, friends. He noticed and that is when he told me it was ok for us to have a child. My one wish. After Doodles was born, he was the backbone I needed. There was only one more act of sexual abuse in our relationship and I put my foot down. There will be no more abuse in that household. As the days went by I became more and more frightened. When was he going to snap?

One day he came home and told me he would never touch me again, threw his wallet (at me or the table, you decide) and went to bed. I looked and inside was a receipt for a hotel room for the night before. He obviously didn't sleep. I put it on the table for when he woke up. Later that day I pointed to it and he said he was seeing someone else and he would never touch me again. He was not going to have me freaking out again. {for as crappy of a husband/man as he was he at least had enough respect for me to not touch me when he was with someone else}. I put up with it...he was respecting me and our child needed a father, even if it was only so so. I put up with it until he quit his job as an engineer and started working at the bar full time. I put up with it until I couldn't pay the bills any longer because he was not giving me his paychecks.

I told him that I was done. Adultery is the one reason that my faith gives me to divorce him. I had put up with it for almost 2 years and now I am done. I cannot pay our bills and that is ridiculous. He left and moved in with his girlfriend leaving me with a house payment, the car that was not paid off and all of the outstanding bills. The house was foreclosed on...I didn't even get all of our stuff moved out before they locked it up. I declared bankruptcy because it was impossible to pay for everything that was left sitting in my lap. That shames me...I am self-sufficient, but I just couldn't!

My marriage was not pretty, but for 12 years I put on a happy face for the public and I danced the dance of perfection. On my 15 year wedding anniversary I finally was able to file my divorce papers with the courts....yes, it took 2 almost 3 years for him to agree to sign the paperwork to legalize letting me go. And he only did once I agreed to move closer to him and away from where I was comfortable. Control until the very end....and beyond.

Yes, I forgave everything that happened and I can now see why I agreed to go on that first date. I can remember what a nice person he was He violated my body but he never really violated what really matters. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to forgive.

There is more...but 15 years is a lot of stuff. This covers most of the bad and the ugly.

Can't you just snap out of it???

Depression, a mood disorder that is understood by so many...it is just an overwhelming feeling of sadness, isn't it? It is a conversation that I will have to have with my son someday. I know this, and I have thought about how to describe what depression truly is, not what some clinician writes in a book about it - I will provide him with those too...but try to define it in the best way possible so there can be a sense of understanding for him. Among people who have this disorder there is but one commonality that I have found when talking to others (beyond the sadness) and that is the darkness. Other than that it affects everyone in a different way. Some feel as if they are being chased. You have heard me talk about the feeling of drowning. Some feel trapped. The best way I know how to describe this thing that is labeled "depression" and everything it encompasses is to have you imagine the following scenario:

Picture a room with no windows, one door, the light switch is over near that door. Inside this room is a desk, chair, couch, tables, a lamp, computer...everything you need to work and spend a good portion of your time (keep in mind that there are breakable things on those tables and on that desk). It is a very comfortable place for you. Co-workers, friends, family....they all come into this room from time to time. Its every bit a home to you.

Now, that light bulb starts to dim. Slowly at first and you think you can fix it by screwing it in, by wiggling it, anything except taking it out and changing it...you can feel the darkness creeping in, but you will do anything to hold it off. All of a sudden the light bulb turns off and the door slams shut! At first you take a few steadying breathes and try to change the light bulb. Soon you discover that it is not working, so you get up to see if someone flipped the switch. By this time the tightness has started. As you get up to try to turn on the light you are told you have a hot project for work to complete. You try to focus and do that but the phone rings and you are told not to forget the responsibilities of your home life. All this time all you can think of is I need to turn on that light before someone notices. You begin to have bursts of emotions that you cannot control, you cry for no reason, Panic sets in.

With work and home by the time you get up to try to find that light switch in the pitch black the furniture has moved. You knock into the first table and it pushes you back and you get a little frustrated but know you need to try again. Wait, more work more responsibilities and you have got to remember not to break anything. By this time your friends and family and sometimes your co-workers have noticed what is going on. You try again; the room seems to have shifted on you and you are frightened and do not know what to do, you just want the light turned on. By this time the people in your life are in your head, sometimes in that room with you asking you "why don't you just turn the light on? C'Mon you can do this!!! It's right there just turn the light on." Fear, Panic, Desperation sets in. (don't forget all this time you are bursting into tears for no reason...or for some raging in unaccounted for anger and expected to keep up with your life and that of your significant other and children if you have any)

As well meaning as they are it scares you more, frustrates you more and makes you even more desperate. You start to turn in circles. You now have no idea which way you are facing, what is in front of you or if the room is in shambles - you know you have broken something. This irritates those people that do not understand and they tell you to snap out of it. Or the people that do understand become short with you and tell you just come on already, hasn't this lasted long enough. And that, that's when you give up. You just cannot do it any more. Because really, is it all worth it??? The constant nagging, the constant fear, the constant panic, the constant lack of understanding for what you are going through, the constant feeling that you are letting the people that care down, the constant frustration, AND ALL THAT CRYING!!!

Is It Worth It? Wouldn't it be better off if I was gone? Wouldn't everyone else be better off not worrying about me and my mess ups? Those are the questions that race through your mind and won't stop even for a few hours to let you sleep. Some people just sit in that darkness for a very long time because they have given up. Others commit suicide in order to escape that never ending darkness.

And then there are those that decide it is worth it and try again and again or reach out because they are the lucky ones. The lucky ones have someone who physically walks into that room to take them by the hand and lead them to the light switch. I used to have someone who sat right by that door and never let it slam shut. I always had a little ray of light shining into that room so I could eventually find my way. It was actually 2 someones and they understood I had to do it alone and I knew they were always there to help me find my way.

No one can turn that switch on for us. But, we can always use a lead to guide us...a life saving device...our own personal night light. No one is more afraid of the (figurative) dark than someone with depression.

Things I cannot say

I do not know how to TELL you or anyone the depths of my feelings. I cannot speak of them because of the tears that drown out my voice, the ocean of feelings that I stand in that threatens to drown me. I cannot open my mouth because I stand to deep, I will drown! The water in which I stand is just below my nose; I feel as if I take even one quick deep breath it will be over. I have tried to swim out of this, I hear all of you!!! It surrounds me and it does not get any more shallow, it does not subside...I have tried because I know the importance to all of you. But now, I stand frightened...stagnant...unable to move forward or back because I just do not know which way to go. I stand defeated but unable to surrender.

Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...

A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.

A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.

The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.

A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........

Understanding, or Lack Of

I often wonder why the world is such a cruel place. There is so much beauty to be enjoyed, but it is often overpowered by the unkindness that surrounds it. I don't understand lack of compassion, lack of understanding, and the level of caring that people have for others around them. I do not understand abuse, violence or cruelty. As someone who has lived through it, I still do not understand it...I honestly do not know if that is a good thing or not.

Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.

So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?

I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.

Opening Disaster

It was absolutely RUINED! I went to say hi to a friend, and walked past him. He told me he was going to move on, find a new job, make it so I could be in peace and once again find joy in the one thing I do for myself. LIES!!!! EXCUSES!!! That is all I know from this person who once told me that he doesn't make promises unless he can stand by them. I looked like a fool. I rushed to the ladies room, composed myself enough to make it back to my seat and practically ran back.

I called and left a message, because I am something of a coward telling him that I was shocked to see him still there. He promised...I then told him that I saw a job posted on my way home that he should look into. That was the last of my reserve...I burst into tears as I sat in my seat for the second period. Shaking uncontrollably. Unable to stop the flow of tears. OH who is that foolish girl sitting at the hockey game crying her eyes out???

The boys won the game in OT. Normally I would be very happy...maybe tomorrow. Today I am just drained.

But Mommy

This is a time in my life that I would like to come to a close please..................

waiting...............

possibly, you have not heard but I do not have a lot of patience so if we could just move this along and bring it all to a close I would like that...........no, well I guess I will impatiently wait some more then................

Well, we are waiting for this let me tell you what that child told me today (he has been mentioning a lot the last month or so...) We stopped by the store on the way home to pick up a few things for the weekend and I told him he could have PB&J for dinner. I said I would have a bite of his sandwich, and he tells me "see, you hardly eat anything."

OOOOO, OUCH! When did he get old enough to start noticing these things? I try to hide them from him but I am not doing to good of a job. I have to be more alert and pay more attention to hiding the depression better!!!!!

My Week...the good, bad, and hmmmm

It has been just a long week and it is only Wednesday. I am home this week, which is AWESOME! but with the various appointments to keep and work and neverending...

Work has been busy, but it is really going well. I am enjoying this job immensely. It is challenging and keeps me on the go which is all I really ask for. Procedures are being written and will be rolled out over the next few months throughout the companies and then we will move onto the next big task. It is very satisfying!!!!! But my laptop - UGH! The stupid cursor keeps jumping all over and I cannot figure out how to make it stop!!!!!! It selects text just because it is possessed....the UNDO button has become my BFF. It is so annoying.

Doodles went for a re-evaluation for his autism today with a different therapist. This therapist was absolutely awesome! She is not going to diagnose him one way or another, she is going to give it a few appointments. BUT, she sees no signs of ADHD and she is not seeing the autistic signs that would lead to that diagnosis. She believes he may have a Type A personality and have his own way of coping. The best thing about it was she actually listened when I told her I was uncertain about all of this because he could be reactive off of everything going on in my life. She totally agreed and she said that she doesn't want to send anything to school yet, but she might. She believes he was a target of a teacher that just wanted him medicated. He definitely does not need that. Doodles talked to her and interacted...she understood the only child, shy thing. I am DEFINITELY taking him back and going through additional testing with her. I KNEW he was being mis-diagnosed. Dr. E wants to really get to the bottom of things and if he is just Type A she is going to work with him on some coping skills. Always a good thing. I think this is the best thing EVAH!!! By the end of this he will be correctly diagnosed and will have coping skills no matter if it is autism or not. I feel good about it.

My therapy...the hypnosis is on hold. I was going to start on Monday, but "there was a block". So we talked and I need to go and talk to one or 2 more people before I am ok with doing this. The gist of it is I need to make sure this is in line with my spiritual beliefs. I haven't found anything in the Bible saying it's not, but I am going to consult with my Pastor and have a good long talk. This whole journey is about being healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If I am not healthy in one way there will always be that whole in me.

Theraputic Hypnosis

I am starting a form a of therapy that some will not approve of...but I have spoken to a person who has been highly recommended to do this. In order for it to be successful I need to remove certain elements from this blog (and other places that I have kept information just in case). I am going to do "Memory Wash" hypnosis. I have been told that it will erase my memory of the events that happened and the person I want to forget. I will still have certain emotional scars, but the pain from them will be alleviated and I won't really know where they came from. It should make me more confident and back to my outgoing personable self. I am not a big fan of forgetting things, but I really am not a big fan of locking myself away either. The pain, feelings of worthlessness, and fear are not going away and it has been about a year. This is just a more proactive then talk therapy.

Weird, Wacky & Strange

This week has been full of the weird, the wacky, just plan old strange days!!!

I told you I forgot my brush of all things...the clips I decided would work for combing my hair - worked for a day and then broke. So, I solved those issues and went and cut my hair. I think it is the shortest I have ever work it, but it is layered in such a way that I can wash it, dry it, finger comb it and it falls into place....those girls who wear the bobs -- SERIOUSLY, why didn't you tell me this was the reason and not that ya'll think it is an oh so cute style. I would have done this thing years ago. I may never go back to the long tresses everyone loves! BUT, that child who I brag about being so cute, so adorable, so loving...he didn't notice I was missing almost 12 inches of hair off my head. I asked him today what he thought and he was like :"oh I didn't notice but I like it". I have suddenly become less worried about him being manly enough...he passes the guy test :)

My flight was delayed in Boston (reason, it took off late from Washington DC due to "a passenger issue"...whatevah, leave em behind and take off, some of us want to get home). Now I know no one reading this is shocked that I was delayed, I have come to expect it too....now to the weird/wacky part of this delay. I was sitting in Logan International Airport and this lil lady sits next to me and tells me, do not try to fly stand by - whoa, wait just a second how the heck? So, because she told me to trust her I didn't, I gave my place up to a colleague. {apparently I am still stupid enough to trust peeps just because they tell me to}. This lady continues to sit next to me talking, as if I want to hear her speak...some of what she said is BLAH BLAH BLAH...and then I cut her off and in my sarcastic way ask her who she is and why is she talking to me out o everyone in this airport. She tells me "I am a knowledgeable one". mmmm hmmm, what like a psychic or mystic or just a lunatic? THEN, she tells me that my heart has been broken and I should not shut everyone out. And, my plan to forget is foolish and shortsighted. Many people will be hurt. So, I ask her what she knows of my plans for ANYTHING...last I checked I have told NO ONE, I have not even blogged about it. This is where is gets really OMG, WTF is going on -- she tells me what is in my head and tells me that it will work, but I will forget more than just what I want to forget. OK, sure whatever. Back to the stand by thing....the person I let put her name on and got on the plane told me it was the worst flight ever, she was sitting next to some one who was getting sick all the way to the destination and that she missed the connecting flight so she got stuck overnight because she lost her seat on the original connecting flight. I am so glad I did not try to get on that flight!!!!!! So thanks psycho for talking me out of flying stand by. As far as everything else you said, I think you need to drink less of the crazy juice.

Teacher...Oh teach, please forgive me and my need to straighten you out. Doodles teacher contacted A about a letter I sent in with him and his Autism. Let's just say I was not the most pleasant I could have been. I don't think I was overly mean, but seriously....don't assume just because 2 parents came in to the conference that they are together. And do not contact the father when everything you have ever received regarding money, health, school records has been from the mother. Her follow up was oh, I'm sorry I didn't have your contact information. Yeah, I responded with ALL my contact information for her use and a pleasant reminder that my contact information is on all the enrollment forms.

It has been the weirdest week ever!!!