It has been how long??

I actually cannot believe that I am putting words down. It seems like forever since I have written. My life has changed so much since the last time I even visited this page. Back then, my voice had been completely stolen. What had been an outlet for my thoughts, my feelings was ripped away. Now, there is no one to do that. 

I went into a pretty deep isolation. For me, I got all of the social interaction I required at work. Even then, I convinced the powers that be that I could work from home the majority of the time. There have been both positive and negative consequences to this...

By pushing people away and not letting people in, I have been able to heal in a way I had not before. I have learned through all of this that I am stronger than I thought. I have learned that I can stand on my own; not because it is expected of me through unreasonable expectations, but because I have an inner strength that gets me through. I am learning (still working on this one a little bit) that it is ok to not be perfect. My "flaws" are a part of who I am. Everything I have gone through has made me into the person that I am. It is ok to admit that I am not perfect, that perhaps I need help, that maybe I need to talk to someone sometimes......  AND, it is ok to forgive myself. Previously I was forgiving everyone else, but still holding all of this pain and negativity inside of myself. It is so easy to forgive everyone else, yet so hard to forgive me. Letting go is an important step.

On the other hand, by isolating myself keeping people at arms length is now the norm, instead of something I would do because there seems to be "something off". I recently tried very hard to let someone in, it did not go well. I don't "friend" well anymore -- or at all. My anxiety is through the charts -- why o why is there not a how to on this whole damn thing?  (I used to be a good friend I thought, apparently I am soooo wrong if this is any indication on my friend skills...)

So, there is not as much drama in my life. I think I have successfully removed all but the day-to-day little stuff that everyone has. Whereas I continue to have side-effects of my life, they do not affect me as much as they once did. I have been broken to itty-bitty pieces. There were no kings horses, or kings men...but those that were there helped find as many pieces as they could, and I put them together the best I could.  There is some missing, some loose, and some might be out of place --- but I survive and I am able to smile more often than cry.

Other updates....I finished college since I have last written.  I not only finished my BS, I decided to get my MBA while I was at it.  I mean why not?!?!?  Doodles has gotten so big, that is just a mess....I would keep him 2 if I could.  He is like the best teenager ever, so there is that. 

Life Lessons from the Airport

My glamorous life just never stops....let me tell you about the time I spent almost 15 hours in the airport.......the airport that is less than 10 minutes from my house. I showed up an hour and a half early for my flight, yep I try to give my self enough time for a bagel before security, only to find out my flight has been canceled due to mechanical issues. I was re-booked on a 8:20pm flight. I looked into getting a rental car -- no dice, there were no rental cars at all in the St Louis metro area. I looked into other airlines -- NOPE, sold out. So, seeing as how my car was in Wisconsin patiently waiting for me to return from my one day trip back for class (oh yeah, I took a flight home on Sunday night so I could attend class on Monday and was supposed to fly back to Wisconsin on Tuesday morning.....its a glamorous life I lead), I had no vehicle to get around my home town. So, I sat in the airport. And sat....and sat. Finally, at 7pm I went through security and sat on slightly, but not really, more comfortable seats.....only to find out at 8:15 that they cancelled my flight to Wisconsin.

COSMIC JOKE!!! So, I learned some lessons on that Tuesday.......(1) never fly AirTran -- horrid airline, bad customer service, just NO! (2) Life is one big practical joke, so its best if you keep your sense of humor! There is really no reason to get angry, it is just you that ends up looking silly and life keeps moving on laughing at you as it goes. (3) Sometimes I should listen to the boy, he happens to be right at times. Even when I want to be stubborn, I should probably just listen. (The boy is just a friend, a work colleague from the great white north, there is no story here....move on HA!) (4) I can get a LOT of work done in an airport.....

So, as I said I flew home for class on Monday night. It was the last class of this cluster. I whined, I complained, I did not think I was going to do very well considering the classes and the fact I could not give my all to them because my travel schedule has been crazier than normal...BUT, my grades were posted on Thursday and A's in all 3 classes. My 4.0 is still in tact - WOW, just wow. So, today I celebrated my success by buying the cutest top. I figure I get Doodles a treat for doing well in school....I deserve one too, right???? :)

Missing In Action....

ok, not really...just been so crazy busy. I have been trying to get caught up with all my bloggy friends this morning. So many great posts in the month and a half!!!

I don't want to say that nothing has happened, but I just don't know how to put it all in words or even if I should.....you know how that goes.

Work is crazy as always, but I love it. EXCEPT -- isn't there always a but or an except in those statements??? Doodles told me a few weeks ago that I have to quit my job because I am gone much. He tells me that I should just find a new one. Yeah, a pretty craptastic mommy moment. My boss and I are trying to work through it -- trying to get my travel schedule under control....won't happen until after November. But, as always I will not hold my breath.

Doodles is doing great. Growing like a weed, cute as a bug. Reading at a 3rd grade level. We are getting ready to go on vacation out to Seattle. I am hoping that spending some time together will work out Doodles issues with my travel.

Single life has gotten a little complicated....but life is nothing without some complications. :)

Back Seat

OK, so I don't mean to let things slide...I have been burning both ends of the candle, and sometimes the middle for so long that I think that I have reached the nub. With school and work, and lets not forget Doodles because there are times when I think I do more often then I should, social media has taken a backseat. Like the 4th seat in the minivan. The last two weekends I have come home and crashed. More like crashed and burned. I slept ALL day Friday and then yesterday was spent catching up on work and schoolwork that I should have done Friday. I slept through church today, Father forgive me.

So, it is catching up to me....but that will just be out little secret. k???? Something in my life has to give and it is the social media, which means my outlet on my feelings. At least for now. I am ending my therapy sessions tomorrow.....I just don't have time or the energy to put into EVERYTHING I am trying to do right now. I'll be back - and I will try and keep up with all my bloggy friends when I can!!!!

Finalized

Celebrate...

04/28/2011	Docket Entry:	Uncontested
Text:		JUDGMENT AND DECREE OF DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE AS PER MEMO. RZ CERT. COPIES MAILED 5/3/11 JG (CASE GIVEN TO CHILD SUPPORT ON 5/3/11)
	Docket Entry:	Judgment on Dissolution
Text:		MARRIAGE DISSOLVED. PETITIONER TO PAY RESPONDENT $XXX.00 PER MONTH FOR CHILD SUPPORT. SEE JUDGMENT FOR FURTHER DETAILS.

it's public record if you know my name or the exe's name...but still TACKY, you want to know that bad you can just go check it out yourself ;)

Ok, back to the celebrate thing. So, I told my boss that it was done and we celebrated. I got blitzed! It was bad. So bad...there are reasons why I don't drink!!!! There was no driving, we were walking. Our entire group. Oh and can you say weakness. I can!!! So there was some drunkenness, some stupidity (I talk a lot when I drink), some dancing...and just plan silliness. Can you say no shell, totally stripped it off and came out of hiding?!?!? OY! It's fine, there were people more wrecked than I was -- I have blackmail pictures, not really but I have pictures LOL

Next morning, I was fine. TIRED, but fine. Got to the airport a little later than I wanted. Missed the standby flight so I waited around there for awhile. But now I am home for a week. Doodles needs new shorts...and I'm sure he will work the blue eyes to get a new toy or something :) What can I say, I'm weak!

Through the eyes of a child...

So, I am sure many of you have heard of the crazy weather that blew through the metro-St Louis area on Friday night. Below is footage that Lambert International released from my beloved C-concourse. C concourse is where American Airlines flys in and out of...I know awhile back I broke up with them, but we have reconciled and I have been pretty faithful. (What??? they have the best security line and concourse in STL). Anyway, my trip last week was a no go, so I was not walking through my favorite landmark in all of my metro-area (yeah, that is sad that I love the airport best, but whatev). I would have been there at the time the storms hit, but instead I was home with Doodles....




Pretty scary stuff huh??? Things at home were not so bad...the other storm system weakened as it got closer and this one headed to the airport, I guess it had a flight to catch (bad humor). So, where I should have gotten hit by 2 I just had really strong winds and a bad thunderstorm.

Saturday morning Doodles gets up in a hurry to go to the Easter Egg hunt at church. I couldn't help but ask if he really wanted to go since it was raining (again) and he was so scared the night before. His answer, "Mommy, that was yesterday! Today is brand new." What a wonderful way to make me really see what the Bible is talking about...Matthew 18:2-4 says "And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Bad things happen, we all sin against each other and against God, but if we remember that was yesterday and today is brand new maybe it would be easier to see the beauty in the world around us. It kinda makes that whole forgiveness thing come into focus...it was yesterday. I wonder how I can work on seeing the world through those child eyes again.

So, because there is no fear of yesterday we got up, went to help get things ready for the Easter Egg hunt and Doodles collected eggs. Then we helped clean up and color the eggs for Easter Breakfast. Sunday....well we didn't make it to Easter breakfast at church :) We found the eggs that EB hid, got cleaned up, went to Sunday School and 10:30 Service. Then mommy took a nap.......

Now we are headed into the last 26 days of school! Vacation this way -->

Happy Easter & a Conversation

Me: Doodles, its almost bathtime...get in here and drink your chocolate milk!!!

Doodles: Actually, my chocolate milk was already all gone I just poured me more.

Me: You are getting so big, what do you need me for? I may as well move out...

Doodles: shakes head

Me: Oh yeah, you need me to pay the rent.

Doodles: nods head

Me: chuckles

Doodles: and besides I don't even know how to use the stove. All I know if how to make hot dogs and pizza in the microwave. I'll need you until I am eighteen. Wait, probably older than that because half-sister is eighteen and she is just now learning to cook.

Me: Oh, dude, you are sooooo going to know how to cook before you are eighteen!!!

Doodles: you are still going to have to clean my clothes though.

Hmmmmm.....so, this here would be a look into my future. The boy child will NOT be going away to college. Not for any other reason then my laundry abilities. How shocked will he be when he is doing his own laundry at the age of 11??? Well, let's not make me useless yet.....HA, who am I kidding I still control the checkbook! Sorta........


Happy Easter! I really need to let you in on the conversation that happened Saturday morning -- I need those childlike viewpoints on life. God in His infinite wisdom surrounded us with beauty...I hope that you take a moment to reflect on the beauty around you, ya never know when it will be uprooted. Please remember, no matter what you are facing: pain is temporary, joy is eternal!!!! God Bless!

Oh Morther Nature, You Trickster

Has springtime been forgotten??? That spring thing from the last blog was all over my facebook because my family all live up north --- most in Wisconsin, some in Canada, some in Alaska...you get the picture.......I am the southern girl and I don't live that far south ;)

This is was started the entire forgotten spring:


Green Bay got 9.9 inches of snow yesterday....no I promise I am not laughing. Because while they deal with that, there have been so many tornadoes this year that I have stopped hearing the sirens....seriously, I didn't hear them yesterday, Doodles was playing outside and ran into the house telling me how windy it was and that there was loud noises "that was annoying". OY! Thankfully he was just playing on the balcony and not out on the playground, minor fail... The weather this year is WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloggie Neglect

I have been neglectful...to this blog and as a blog reader. I have not been reading because of my schedule....I have not been posting because the words are just stuck. I have things to say, but they are stalled somewhere between my brain and my fingertips........so, I guess I'm just leaving it alone until the words decide to poor out.

So...for those of you that are stuck up north wondering what is going on with the weather, snow in April - or frankly down south, because I heard that spring passed you by too.......

INSTALLING SPRING...
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again.

Apparently, that whole conversation with Mother Nature I had....well, she got the message about the storms. She seems to have forgotten to bring springtime to some parts of the world.....too busy trying to appease me. Sorry about that. ;)

Mother Nature & Sleep Deprivation

Mother Nature, I thought you and I were peeps?!?!? You have always been pretty good to me...can we speak for a second about thunderstorms??? We had a pretty sweet deal going, but I am going to request that it be changed. Yes, I am still afraid of those things -- ehhhh thunderstorms --- but the boy child is FRIGHTENED of them. So, that deal where the thunderstorms happened after I was asleep was great, awesome, loved it...when I was younger and did not have the boy. They don't wake me up, there was no fear.........but Mother Nature, let me tell you storms wake the child up. As for me, what does wake me up is the terrified shriek, the full out run into my room and BLAM the loss of oxygen as happened last night and over the course of the last several years.

Now, I am not one to complain overly much about the weather...but seeing as it is my 36th birthday today (BTW Thank you Julie for the birthday wishes), I am no spring chicken. I am more of a summer one - not yet ready for the frying pan, but definitely can use my beauty sleep. You know, from our past discussion of thunderstorms only after sleepy time that I am good -- but once awake I cannot fall back asleep if there is a show like last night. (It was spectacular, if not heartstoppingly scary)!!! Doodles on the other hand, once I got him settled went right back to sleep. I bet I'll have the bruises from the elbow in the neck, the kick in the side, the headbutt and the various smacks from my eventful little sleeper.......hmmmm, maybe the thunderstorm had very little to do with my not going back to sleep, BUT indirectly it is the storms fault.

So, could we start having these thunderstorm events during waking hours...business hours would be fantastic (but not while I am due to travel, that would be kinda suckish)??? If you would make it so the power goes out until they call it a day I would not complain. I will mask my fear, I will be strong! Thank you for your time Mother Nature. I know you have so many more things to do than listen to me negotiate changes to the thunderstorm deal. XOXOXOXOXO

Leters of Intent: Time Flies

LOI brought to you by Julie

Dear Week,

Where have you gone??? I cannot remember the last time that time has zoomed by in this much of a hurry. So much has happened this week and so much has been left undone. I am not stressing, because of you Week I have spent so much more time with Doodles than I have in the last few months. So thanks. I know I won't see you again, but I will think fondly of you!!!

always,
too bad time can't stand still

Dearest M,

Thank you so much for the birthday present! It is AWESOME!!!! So perfect for me. Give D a great big hug and tell him to give you one. No one could have picked anything better for me. I am so blessed to have you in my life!

love,
k

Dear You,

I am sorry that I stated my feelings to you. They were obviously so wrong, so invalid. What I am not sorry about is apologizing to you when you took my words and misunderstood then to be aimed at you in a way they were not. You see, in my life experience I have learned that saying I am sorry when it is sincere does not make me less of a person. It makes me more.

Apologetically,
me

Social Media Experiement - the results are in...

So, my social media experiment went ok....not totally successful, but not a complete failure either. I only logged onto my facebook page at lunch, after bed or when the child dissed me. And, I was not on twitter AT ALL! So, all in all my social media time was less than an hour all weekend.

Doodles and I spent time playing games, chilling out watching a movie together...just being together.

I talked to my mom on the phone and one of my friends...so total human contact (outside of Doodles) of about 15/20 minutes. (Unless we count listening at church then I get 2 more hours of credit...I think I should take it, I did say hi to someone - points!)

It is hard to take a step back when in this day and age Facebook and/or Twitter have become such a key way families and friends keep in touch. I often joke with my sister that if it wasn't for those 140 character status updates she would never hear from me...and thank goodness for the "Like" button. I mean, really, thanks FB for making it even easier for me to stay connected without saying anything. For people like me, those that want to keep others at an arms length, facebook is awesome!!!! No one can say I am out of touch because I make sure I put a status of some sort, and I ensure that I like or comment on others statuses every now and again. Yep, I am in touch, just in touch my way :)

I do hope that you all had a great weekend filled with many new memories!!!!

Social Media - Good yet not

Twitter, Facebook, Blogs...I appreciate social media because it allows me to say yes I am connecting without really having those connections that I see as invasive and give me panic attacks. BUT, in the last little while I have come to the realization that human contact is missing...I go into a nosedive and think only of myself because I do not allow enough human interaction. Sometimes a phone call is better than an email. Hearing a person's voice means something, you get more out of it.

I need to take a little break from all of the forms of social media that I have come to depend on and interact...I know myself so next week you will all probably hear about my failures, but I need to try.

love ya'll bunches!!!

Safe in God's Love

I have had a conversation with a friend about pain/suffering and God. She posted this quote, "You must choose character over comfort in order to experience true joy." This got me thinking that maybe people viewed pain as character. It was a thought provoking statement. Then others said things that pointed towards blaming God for pain and suffering in their lives. I cannot tell you how much that BOTHERS me! Why believe in a God who causes you pain? Who wants to believe in someone like that? God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son (John 3:16). God loves us! All of us, He does not want to cause us pain and suffering. It is people who cause pain. It is mankind that are to blame for the suffering, not God!

I have had a lot of pain in my life, I have suffered; I shared some of it on this blog, but that pain is not God's fault. My pain was caused by my sin or the sins of others. I shared this with my friend - I do not think God ALLOWS me to suffer....I never blame God for my suffering. I think that He does take those things that happen and uses them to as proof that HIS plan works and that with Him all good things can come....and if He can use the stuff the I (yes I) cause then wow, yes use me. How could I ever ask for forgiveness of my sins if I thought God was to blame for the things that I go through....that I cause??? I couldn't because I would be too busy saying I am going through this because of God. That is not how it happens - I am the cause of my sin which is the cause of my pain and suffering. God is the reason I am forgiven and the reason that I am able to get through -- He gives me the strength I need and ensures I know He is there.

I think those that blame God need to take a second look and really wonder how they can ask for forgiveness - if its not their fault what do they need to be forgiven for???? They need to realize that God is not to blame and is not the cause of their suffering and pain. Sins of the world, people cause pain.

I think that by sharing my story with others God is allowing that pain and suffering to be used to show how His love and redemptive plan can work in a person's life. If I can make it through all of the things that I have shared with faith, love, forgiveness and the knowledge that God has never forsaken me that may help someone out there realize just how great God's will is. Maybe they will see that they too can be safe in God's love...


Safe, Natalie Grant

My Super Starfish

Doodles is the Super Starfish next week...poster one day, story, family tradition, estimation jar, and finally favorite things. Now, this would not be an issue except I am back out of town starting Tuesday. I have everything ready, but I am going to have to depend on A to finish out the week. Oy...depending on one who has proven to be not so dependable. Deep breath, he is not going to fail! Positive thoughts....

Just Beautiful Me

"Who Says" -- for me so many......



I have had so many people tell me that I was nothing in their eyes. But really, Who are they to say that??? Are we not all created in God's image...was I not created by God in His image. Who are those people to tell God that He made something wrong?

Oh, the stupidity that I had to deal with yesterday was beyond all comprehension. I dealt with it like an adult, and then by going to those I know I can depend on to vent to. Yes, I said things in anger and frustration that I probably should not have, but I am not perfect and do not claim to be. All I can do is try my hardest to act in a Godly manner and when I fail, take those failures to God and ask for His help and forgiveness.

Anyway, it is really nice when one of the Disney/Nick girls puts out a really positive message like this song! "Who says your not perfect? Who says your not beautiful?....I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me!"

Letters of Intent: Honesty at any Cost

Brought to you by Julie

Dear R,

In Scripture we are taught when there is division to confront the person who did you wrong, to try and settle the differences, to forgive. If the differences are too big for individuals to settle among themselves, we are taught to seek the help of the church. I have tried to find complete and total forgiveness and it has alluded me. I am trying for peace in my life.

I am seeing a new therapist, a few weeks ago she had me go down a path that made me face things I was had been pushing down. Unwilling to face, unprepared to deal with. My therapist wanted me to face grief, but what surfaced was a whole host of feelings that I did not realize were there...buried. With grief came red, hot hatred. A feeling that I am uncomfortable with, a feeling that has been buried and seething deep inside of me for two years. One that I didn't realize was there; one that may be the wall holding up total forgiveness.

I hate you for not being a friend to me when you said that our friendship was what mattered. I hate you for not stepping up and being the man you are supposed to be. I hate you for putting so much pressure on me to always be there for you while you continually tore me to shreds - intentional or not. I hate you for allowing yourself to become the monster that would abuse children, your children, and a woman, someone you claimed to care about. I hate you for not ever standing up for yourself, and I hate you for taking the trust I had in you as a person and destroying that. I hate you for doing to me what you promised you would never do. I hate you for proclaiming promises mean something and finding out they mean nothing. I hate you for making me feel like something to regret, someone less than human, worthless. I hate you for ruining a really good friendship. I hate you for abandoning me, but mostly for abandoning our child. I hate that I cannot grieve without the thought of you and everything you did to me bubbling to the surface diminishing all else - I blame you for that, I hate you for that.

I have done things wrong and I take responsibility for my part. I allowed myself to lose control. I allowed myself to be used by you. I allowed our friendship to go up in flames. I was not strong enough to stand up to you and force you to step up. I put your feelings before my own, and before our child's. I apologized to your mother, even knowing you would be upset by it -- I am ashamed of that. I should have sent the apology to you to pass on when you were ready. I allowed you to think that I had something to do with things that I had nothing to do with in order to ensure that you hate me...I felt it would create a better home life for you if you could honestly say you hated me, even as I know hate is as un-Christian a feeling as a person can have. I allowed myself to get upset enough to call after opening night when I should not have, it was not a healthy conversation for either of us. You stated I contacted you more than I believe I have...if I did it would have been in error and against the entire reason I changed all of my contact information...changed my entire life -- but that is neither here nor there, you say I did and I am going to take you at your word and apologize. Please believe that I did not mean to. I have a lot of shame because of what I allowed, because of some of the things I did, and for the feelings I harbor......but that is all me - my responsibility to face it. I am letting you know, only so that you realize that I am truly sorry and filled with an immense amount of sorrow for the things I did, I allowed.

I am hoping that by admitting to my feelings...allowing the hatred to run through me that the love I have inside of me will expel it from me. True, complete forgiveness comes from a place of love. I do not want to feel hate for you, frankly I would prefer to get to that loving, forgiving place as soon as possible. I pray for it nightly. I understand that everything will happen in God's time and as He wills it to be. I hope that by settling the division between us, God is pleased enough to see that forgiveness is achieved and He allows you to fade into the recesses of my memory banks.

I have hopes that God is taking the devil's temptation that was put in your path in 2006 and turning it into a healthy, marriage where the two of you serve each other in Christ. I have faith that whereas it may have been temptation and sin that lead to your marriage, God will work to make it right if you and T allow Him to work in your lives. I pray for happiness for you and your family.

"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Gal 5:18-24 (Christian freedom means walking and conducting oneself, by the Holy Spirit's power and leading. The sinful flesh, consumed by self-importance, instinctively looks down on others...At Baptism we were united with Christ, who dies to set us free from sin and the way of the law -- O Holy Spirit, give us daily victories over sin in our personal life and above all the power to love one another. Amen.)


Sincerely,
one who seeks peace

Memorial

So, I have been thinking about it and I think that I have decided on a way to deal with that grief that B says I am not facing, while giving something to my community. A tree memorial...I will donate a tree to the park department in memory of love, joy, dreams that ended before they began. A living thing that will reach full bloom. I think a flowering tree would be appropriate. Something pretty, something special. Something I can go past and know is there because I loved.

Pour Your Heart Out: Playgrounds are Weird

I call while I am away on business. Doodles catches me up on his day. He shares stories and secrets.

The playground has become a difficult place for Doodles. He feels left out. There are a group of 4 that play together, Doodles being one of those. As the game goes on 2 follow 1 and Doodles feels left out. (funny how the 1 and Doodles are the best of friends when they are one on one - kids stump me...)

The playground is a weird place. It is where cliques are formed. Where otherwise friendly people become someone else. Where make-believe happens. And, where bullies thrive. Yeah, the playground is a weird, weird place!

Doodles is not being bullied, he just...I don't know, doesn't assert himself into the situation so his voice is not heard. He pulls away and feels left out.

This causes problems...I can pinpoint the days when this happens. He doesn't know how, but I can. He is not good in social situations anyway, so having a playground disappointment starts a downward spiral. Temper Tantrums during otherwise enjoyable activities such as computer lab, library, or other resource activities that are individual and quiet based.

It disturbs me that all I can do is to ask how his day was and how it went on the playground...that weird, weird playground.


PYHO is 1!! Congrats Shell!

It's a Sickness

Sick...I do not do sick well. Migraines, sure. I don't like them but I am used to them. Depression, ok. I can deal with it.

But the fire behind the eyes. The nose thing. Coughs and achy muscles. What is that??? I have no time to pick a fight with death.....he happens to be knocking at my door and I am stubborn enough to not answer --- Too busy I yell! Meanwhile, my eyes really just want to close and curling up under my blankie would be nice.

School you say. Yes. Must go to school. I won't whine, I want to, but I won't. I will buck up and not whine.

While I try and convince myself that this is just a lil ole cold and nothing more....ya'll should check out Once Upon a Miracle and her huge CSN Giveaway. Things I Can't Say is giving away Just Dance 2, and I know there is more but I ammmmmm siiiiiiicccccckkkkkkk........

Co-Sleeping Commentary

I had a short chit-chat with A this evening. Topic, co-sleeping. Reason....apparently his 18 year old daughter moved in. So, it appeared to be the time to have a talk. If room and a bed was found for an adult, then a bed could be found for his 7 (almost 8 year old child). Doodles does not need his own room, there are other boys in the house that, in my mind, could share a room w/ Doodles. That would be fine.

I have nothing against co-sleeping up to a certain point, I actually think it is healthy for the child and the parents - especially the mother. But, after a certain age it just gets creepy. A child needs their own space to do those things that human beings do. Especially boys, if mine is anything to go by. He is 7 and I have found him after bath touching parts of his body for no other reason than "Mommy, it feels weird." [No, no, no....I need more time before this particular topic needs to be discussed and that whole thing - denial runs strong in me I can withstand at least another few months!!!!!! Just how does one talk to a boy about these things???? UGH HELP!?!?!?! yes I will admit to the BIG FAIL, and tell you that I told him not to touch himself.] Not only that, but I believe it assists in achieving a good nights sleep, and to have that one place they can run to when it all gets to be too much. A child NEEDS a space after a certain age. In my opinion, that age is 6 or 7 (I put my foot down at 5 - he was no longer able to sleep with me just because he wanted to)......after that co-sleeping should be based on fear or special circumstances.

But, apparently, those other boys in that house run the house. Refusal to share a room with Doodles. So, it is co-sleep or have his father sleep on the couch. Ridiculous situation. I think the co-sleeping situation is bordering on creepy.....but the fact they are letting a pre-teen and teenager rule the house is just poor parenting.

Dinner Break

I am going to take this short break to let ya'll know, these are the moments that I miss when I am out of town. Doodles and I are having the best day. It started with the Wii, and then as soon as it got warm enough, about 11 ish we went outside and have stayed out for the majority of the day. I LOVE having the playground outside my apartment door!!!!

Now it is dinner, after we are going to Wii for a few then watch MegaMind OnDemand(R).

What a FABULOUS day!!!!!

The Battle has been Selected

I just wanted to follow up on the whole hate thing. This past week was filled with tears and reflection.....I have to allow hate into my being...

Yep, I am acknowledging it as a valid emotion. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. But, as much as I would like to bury it in the dark recesses of myself, or run and hide from it I just don't think that would be healthy.

I am looking at it like a germy disease. When ya catch something the red/white blood cells come out and do battle until that germy nasty is gone and ya are back to yourself. Well, maybe emotions will work the same way. Maybe the Strength/Love that I have inside of me will go to war with this gross ole hate-bug and push it out of me until it is no more.

Forgiveness comes from a place of love. If you are not feeling love in your heart, there is no way to find forgiveness for the things that have taken place. There is a whole lotta forgiving that is still left to do and I am obviously not in a loving place.

Love always wins over hate: it is a truth that I know. I have a fair share of love floating around inside of me, so the battle inside may be epic but everything will work out.

Letters of Intent - Topsy Turvey

Dear A,

You are one of the most self-absorbed f#%^kwits I have ever met. Dealing with you racks up my stupidity points.

Sincerely,
how soon til July



Dear Place of Business,

Once again you have proven yourself to be my place of comfort. The place that raises me up when my personal life drags me down. This time though, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty! A 3% merit increase, a 2% salary increase and a very lucrative bonus?!?!? The monetary is not what has me flabbergasted, it is the words written on the performance evaluation. From the facilities stating that I have become a part of their teams even as I work for the entire group, to you boss-man praising without end and calling me a "valued asset" and looking forward to the next year, to being told I was undervalued and the expectation of greatness from someone who I respect so much at the corporate level. All of the words written are a soothing balm that have even reached beyond the professional to the personal. OH NO, I will not let you down place of business!!!

All my best,
appreciative employee

Dear Hatred,

I acknowledge you. I know you are there and who you are aimed at. I have not fully explored all of the reasons why I hate him so, but I will allow you to run your course. Please hurry, you make me uncomfortable.

Me

These Hard Times

"All we need is some relief" YEP!!!!


"Say Goodbye
These days are gone
We can't keep holding on
When all we need is some relief
Through these hard times"

Let go...say goodbye....give it up and try to find peace....the hard times are over....memories are all there is and holding onto the negative loses the positive. Good Theory -- I need to put it into action!!!!!!!!

HATE

Hatred seeps through my heart and gushes into my veins. I HATE HIM! For so long now I have done my best to keep my feelings pushed down, not allowing them to surface. Unwilling to face the unbearable pain that hatred brings.

B just wanted me to face my grief; she had no idea what was bubbling underneath. The hot, molten liquid that is hatred and grief mixed into a cocktail that I cannot handle. Now it is here, on the surface, strong and unbending. All afternoon I have been trying to get it back under control....it is not working. I want to find him. I want to hit him. I want to physically hit him. I hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE him.

It's not Christian....it's not appropriate to hate. Ya know what B said........I look down like I am filled with shame. I am. I am ashamed that I am so filled with this burning hatred, I am ashamed that my choices brought my to this place, I am ashamed at what I have become. And, I am ashamed that I cannot even grieve properly without hatred for Rob.....

I can't do this!!!

STOP judging me

The case made it on the dockets....again! July 11th we meet for the case management conference and schedule the final entry of judgment! WOOT!

This song provided by the thought of STOP judging me! Seriously, I am NOT doing anything wrong. "why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more...." I'll tell you why, because there are bigoted idiots out there who don't care about the story behind the process, all they care about is the end result is "wrong". No you buncha jerks, not this time!!!!! This is oh so right in all the eyes that matter.




And, here we go into angryville......oh boy. I'll try to control it and not take it out on the people who read this blog..............

I need a kick in the pants

So, I took the time and allowed Doodles to vote for the Kids Choice awards. I figure my TV may be permanently tuned into Nick so, why not. Ummmmm, he placed a vote for Kristen Stewart peeps. Ahhhhh, I would be worried if I did not realize how into vampires the kid is these days. Otherwise it was all Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.

Yes, I am aware that all of it could nothing but a bunch of procrastination. Giving into the boy so I do not have to finish my paper. There is only 4 more pages to write and I know it won't take that long to crank it out, but UGH -- don't wanna. I need a kick in the pants.

Gems like these

Doodles was dropped off a little while ago and we are watching Wizards of Waverly Place together...a wizard just told Alex and her werewolf boyfriend they had to break up.

Doodles, "It's their relationship. He needs to get out of their love life." Oh and the seriousness of it all was too much for me!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHA.....I am sorry, but it is gems like these that crack me up! He is 7 and spouting his disgust for nosiness already. And, the knowledge about relationships????? Not from me...one too many Nick a/o Disney TV shows I think...

Yep, he can make me laugh no matter how down I am!

"Perfect by Nature..."