Finalized

Celebrate...

04/28/2011	Docket Entry:	Uncontested
Text:		JUDGMENT AND DECREE OF DISSOLUTION OF MARRIAGE AS PER MEMO. RZ CERT. COPIES MAILED 5/3/11 JG (CASE GIVEN TO CHILD SUPPORT ON 5/3/11)
	Docket Entry:	Judgment on Dissolution
Text:		MARRIAGE DISSOLVED. PETITIONER TO PAY RESPONDENT $XXX.00 PER MONTH FOR CHILD SUPPORT. SEE JUDGMENT FOR FURTHER DETAILS.

it's public record if you know my name or the exe's name...but still TACKY, you want to know that bad you can just go check it out yourself ;)

Ok, back to the celebrate thing. So, I told my boss that it was done and we celebrated. I got blitzed! It was bad. So bad...there are reasons why I don't drink!!!! There was no driving, we were walking. Our entire group. Oh and can you say weakness. I can!!! So there was some drunkenness, some stupidity (I talk a lot when I drink), some dancing...and just plan silliness. Can you say no shell, totally stripped it off and came out of hiding?!?!? OY! It's fine, there were people more wrecked than I was -- I have blackmail pictures, not really but I have pictures LOL

Next morning, I was fine. TIRED, but fine. Got to the airport a little later than I wanted. Missed the standby flight so I waited around there for awhile. But now I am home for a week. Doodles needs new shorts...and I'm sure he will work the blue eyes to get a new toy or something :) What can I say, I'm weak!

My Super Starfish

Doodles is the Super Starfish next week...poster one day, story, family tradition, estimation jar, and finally favorite things. Now, this would not be an issue except I am back out of town starting Tuesday. I have everything ready, but I am going to have to depend on A to finish out the week. Oy...depending on one who has proven to be not so dependable. Deep breath, he is not going to fail! Positive thoughts....

Letters of Intent - Topsy Turvey

Dear A,

You are one of the most self-absorbed f#%^kwits I have ever met. Dealing with you racks up my stupidity points.

Sincerely,
how soon til July



Dear Place of Business,

Once again you have proven yourself to be my place of comfort. The place that raises me up when my personal life drags me down. This time though, you have gone above and beyond the call of duty! A 3% merit increase, a 2% salary increase and a very lucrative bonus?!?!? The monetary is not what has me flabbergasted, it is the words written on the performance evaluation. From the facilities stating that I have become a part of their teams even as I work for the entire group, to you boss-man praising without end and calling me a "valued asset" and looking forward to the next year, to being told I was undervalued and the expectation of greatness from someone who I respect so much at the corporate level. All of the words written are a soothing balm that have even reached beyond the professional to the personal. OH NO, I will not let you down place of business!!!

All my best,
appreciative employee

Dear Hatred,

I acknowledge you. I know you are there and who you are aimed at. I have not fully explored all of the reasons why I hate him so, but I will allow you to run your course. Please hurry, you make me uncomfortable.

Me

Growth, Wireless Bravado or Stupidity

Growth, Wireless bravado or Stupidity??? Well now, we all know that my stupidity knows no bounds so pair that with a little wireless bravado and we get today's action packed scene.

I went to pick up Doodles, who incidentally was outside with no shoes or jacket, asked him where his jacket was in that 'I'm your mother and don't you dare answer just get your jacket' tone. Yeah, it is nice outside, but not nice enough for my 7 year old to play outside shoeless, no jacket in a short sleeve shirt.

A, decides that I am a bitch, tells me so and tells me to get the F#^* off his property. I tell him I am done with him hanging up on me and with his attitude, and I am there to get my child. He tells me to wait in my F'kn car. Fine! OK! I get Doodles booster seat ready and send a text to A letting him know that he better not ever pick my child up without a booster seat again because I will turn him in for child endangerment. There will be no extra outings, or extra days...and once the divorce is finalized that visitation schedule will be in force. I will not work with him at all.

I receive a message (outside of the text messages above) stating that "I have been controlling my temper very well! But if u think u r going to come into my house and act like a bitch u r totally wrong. You will never do that!"

To which I replied (once again hello stupidity alert) "what are you going to do rape me again? throw me against another wall? hit me again? don't try to scare me - you have already done it all and I am no longer afraid of you. I just don't want our kid to find out what type of jerk you really are."

Seriously, you want to know what started all of this...Doodles was supposed to have a boy scout banquet. I dropped him off at his father's before church. I received a message that Doodles threw a fit and was embarrassing and that A would never take him anywhere again. Further in our text conversation A tells me he is limited in on what he and his child can do together because of the way Doodles acts....he is not going to allow Doodles to embarrass him.

Here is a little tip -- be the father. OH Wait, I have already given that tip to him and he doesn't want to hear it. His house, his rules!!!!!

Home

Home is where...well, it's where I am at the moment. I don't know that I have a place that I consider a home. My home is wherever Doodles is. That sounds trite, and shah right!!! But, yeah its true.......wherever that kid is I'm happy. I think it's because I learned a long time ago not to get attached to a physical place - not abode or city. I am very comfortable in the metro area in which I live, and love it; but, if my job told me to move tomorrow I probably could without too much heartache. Hassle, yes, TONS of hassle...but heartache not so much. (that's sad...but eh, whatever)

Anyway, I got home and Doodles had a set of Roald Dahl books and I had the most aweSOME hoodie waiting for me!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! and, I guess I have another 'date' tomorrow night, unless something comes up. Yep, been talking to this boy for a little over 2 months and have not gone out on a 'date' because something always comes up - usually it's me, but last time it was him...once again eh if we go out we go out. Its not like its going to be anything but friends until I get this divorce thing finalized.....

Which brings me to the new year. A says he will pay to do the divorce since I paid last time (no, not holding my breathe -- for the divorce drama you can see here, here, here and here). But, he wants to do some funky stuff with custody and....well he is gonna make me scream so instead of a nice friendly divorce its gonna be UGLY! I don't want it to, but if he does not pull head out of, well ya know, it just is not going to be easy.

Ok, gonna go beat up on my kiddo for awhile for pretend burpin in my ear. Seriously, I wanted a boy.........what was I thinking. (Girls are sweet, and not gross, and always do as they are told -- that is my view don't spoil it HA!)

'The Mice before Christmas'

Doodles had his school play this morning. It was very cute, except for the other parents who stood in front of me. Excuse me for getting there early enough to find a place against the wall....well, I found a chair, but gave that to an elderly lady and stood up. It was very cute. 'The Mice before Christmas', Adorable and the acting and singing was superb!!!! Doodles was in the chorus. I took some pix and some video. The pictures didn't turn out that well, I would post one of the videos for your viewing pleasure, but in one I had big head and in the last one I had some lady yelling at one of her kids....so, more audience participation than first graders. Ahhhhh, the memories we shall have of this!!! :)

Lo and behold, the alternate universe has not ended (yet)....A was in attendance and stuck around after the play to see if Doodles wanted to do anything else. I am grabbing my blankie and gonna get comfy...I may put the DND sign up for awhile so I can just enjoy.

WAIT...one more development, this just in -- the principal called 2 seconds ago and I WON! I filled out the raffles just to give money to the PTO because I feel so guilty that I cannot give time to kiddos school and I won one of the baskets. The family reading basket ($45 Barnes & Noble gift card, cookbook, Geometric origami, Judy Blume, The Lightening Thief, Clementine, and more). YAY!!!! Now, what to do, should I give it away as a gift or can I keep it for myself??? That is so selfish ---- LOL

Alternate Universe

I believe I have entered into an alternate universe......NO, not complaining. I am going to pull up a chair, make myself comfy and stay...hopefully FOREVER! :)

I arrived at the Hartford airport in time to make an earlier flight home, the connection would be tight but the gates were close in Atlanta so I could probably make it as long as things went my way. Oh yes...I made that connection and arrived back into my home airport before 3 pm! Seriously, yeah!!!!

Then, I called A and asked him to bring Doodles home and he agreed....is that the theme to The Twilight Zone???? It gets more WOOOHOOO. A and Doodles arrive to the apartment a little after 6 (I was asleep) and Doodles asks if he can show daddy Guitar Hero. I don't have an issue with that, but I expect A to say something about having to take off. NO, A takes off his jacket and plays with his child for almost an hour...

No, that's not it! I am meeting someone on Sunday and A has agreed to take care of Doodles. I asked if he was coming over to the apartment or if I had to bring Doodles out to his place...well, if the scout thing is still happening A is going to pick him up otherwise whatever is easier for me?!?!?! HUH....

Nope, I have no idea what happened, but I LIKE IT!!! If I happen to still be sleeping and none of this is actually true and factual, let me sleep :-)

Letters of Intent - What's Going On

Dear A...

Seriously....no, seriously - now that I moved out here at your request you are going to go back on everything you said as you were pretty much forcing my hand???? All I need is the truth...may I remind you that I have no family down here and all of my friends/babysitters lived on the other side of the river - 45 minutes away!!!! But, I am still expected to play the nice girl???? Really?

Signed,
Yeah, we are busy those days too

Dearest Doodles...

You are my heart and soul, but if you continue to stay up until all hours of the night I am going to seriously rethink my punishment scheme. I will not be yelled at by the daycare for getting you there "at the last minute" because you refuse to get up.

love you so much,
The Mommy who is as tired as you are

Hey Daycare!

What's up??? FYI...I pay you. Actually I pay you a lot of money, so hows about you NOT yell at me. And ummmmmm, if you would be ever so kind as to not tell me when to bring my kid in or when not to that would be great. I mean, I do pay for before and after school care which means I can drop him off anytime before 7:30am...yeah, that means 7:29 if I am running that late. I do appreciate you caring so much, really I do! But, let's just not do this whole nit-pick at the mother thing. Thanks so much!!

Sincerely,
The MOTHER

Really, this is what we are going with???

There are times that I absolutely love life...and then there are times when I look around and say, REALLY? Really, this is what we are going with??? Today, well strike that, actually this evening is one of those REALLY?? days.

Supposed to go to the hockey game tomorrow....that's not happening, because once upon a time a million years ago I married the world's most undependable human being. I believe that he should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for most unreliable human being...but who am I to measure the reliability factor of these type of things? Ya know who will...one day Doodles will take that measure and if he finds it lacking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

There is a sense of entitlement running rampant in these parts...maybe I am a little to blame for that. But isn't it a little sad when a 7 year old knows the value of a dollar better than some adults? Does anyone else find it disturbing that a 7 year old questions how much something costs and if a person has enough money to purchase it and there are some adults that just allow people to buy things for them no matter what? Maybe people need to take just one tiny little step back and question themselves.

Because REALLY? Really, is this really what we are going with???

Moving Forward

We must all move forward in our lives or get run over by those to inconsiderate to watch where they are going. I am honest enough to tell you I do not want to...I just want to sit and wait for my judgment day to come. But I am also realistic enough to understand that if I stay stagnant it not only affects me but my child. Knowing this I took steps in the last week to take a few tentative steps forward.

First, I started therapy with a new therapist at a local Seminary. I like that we start and end with a prayer. It makes me feel very good that I bring my Christianity into my therapy. Like this time I really may get the mind and spirit in tune together. The things that have happened in my life have harmed me mentally, emotionally and physically...but have strengthened me spiritually. I am hoping that this route will give me strength and heal me mentally and emotionally. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door will open, seek and ye shall find.

Second, I proactively went out of my way to break my isolation. I went to lunch with a friend after church. I am proactively seeking someone to hang out with, to go places, to talk to that is older than six. Not that I mind talking to my six year old...but an adult conversation may just be in order sometimes.

Lastly, I have started taking a few minutes every morning when I wake up to mediate in a way. I take a few deep breathes, force a smile, and think about the blessings in my life...I have so many. I do think until the smile is no longer forced but a natural, soft smile. Today was a good day, even with the dentist and A.

Now to vent about the bad parts of the day...bad being a relative term, they didn't take the smile from my face...

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?? Well, I do!!!! I have dentist stories that are True Story Tuesday (Rachel's blog) worthy. So, I had to go today to get my left side cleaned...yeah one side at a time, I get the deep periodontal cleaning. And, I got 2 minute cavities filled. As much as I hate the dentist, I cannot stand for them to tell me that I have even a spot developing...FILL IT, DRILL IT AND FILL IT!!!! Yes, I am that freak. You all have heard that freak in the dentist office and yes it is me. :) I hate when my mouth is numb, it drives me insane!!!! UGH....I have to go back next week and get my right side done.

Then after work it is scout night...A picked Doodles up and I went to go get invitations for his birthday party. I was in Target and in walked Doodles and A, apparently they needed a glue gun for some project. A hands it to me and asks me to pay for it. WTH??? How did I get stuck with buying a glue gun? And where is that glue gun?????? Not that I like to repeat myself overly much, but UGH!!! That man is unbelievable some times.

Now to leave you with something positive, because it was a good day...apparently I won something. I know, What??? I won first prize in the Scout Raffle. $300 Best Buy Gift Card. Woo Hoo. Doodles birthday present........

Weird, Wacky & Strange

This week has been full of the weird, the wacky, just plan old strange days!!!

I told you I forgot my brush of all things...the clips I decided would work for combing my hair - worked for a day and then broke. So, I solved those issues and went and cut my hair. I think it is the shortest I have ever work it, but it is layered in such a way that I can wash it, dry it, finger comb it and it falls into place....those girls who wear the bobs -- SERIOUSLY, why didn't you tell me this was the reason and not that ya'll think it is an oh so cute style. I would have done this thing years ago. I may never go back to the long tresses everyone loves! BUT, that child who I brag about being so cute, so adorable, so loving...he didn't notice I was missing almost 12 inches of hair off my head. I asked him today what he thought and he was like :"oh I didn't notice but I like it". I have suddenly become less worried about him being manly enough...he passes the guy test :)

My flight was delayed in Boston (reason, it took off late from Washington DC due to "a passenger issue"...whatevah, leave em behind and take off, some of us want to get home). Now I know no one reading this is shocked that I was delayed, I have come to expect it too....now to the weird/wacky part of this delay. I was sitting in Logan International Airport and this lil lady sits next to me and tells me, do not try to fly stand by - whoa, wait just a second how the heck? So, because she told me to trust her I didn't, I gave my place up to a colleague. {apparently I am still stupid enough to trust peeps just because they tell me to}. This lady continues to sit next to me talking, as if I want to hear her speak...some of what she said is BLAH BLAH BLAH...and then I cut her off and in my sarcastic way ask her who she is and why is she talking to me out o everyone in this airport. She tells me "I am a knowledgeable one". mmmm hmmm, what like a psychic or mystic or just a lunatic? THEN, she tells me that my heart has been broken and I should not shut everyone out. And, my plan to forget is foolish and shortsighted. Many people will be hurt. So, I ask her what she knows of my plans for ANYTHING...last I checked I have told NO ONE, I have not even blogged about it. This is where is gets really OMG, WTF is going on -- she tells me what is in my head and tells me that it will work, but I will forget more than just what I want to forget. OK, sure whatever. Back to the stand by thing....the person I let put her name on and got on the plane told me it was the worst flight ever, she was sitting next to some one who was getting sick all the way to the destination and that she missed the connecting flight so she got stuck overnight because she lost her seat on the original connecting flight. I am so glad I did not try to get on that flight!!!!!! So thanks psycho for talking me out of flying stand by. As far as everything else you said, I think you need to drink less of the crazy juice.

Teacher...Oh teach, please forgive me and my need to straighten you out. Doodles teacher contacted A about a letter I sent in with him and his Autism. Let's just say I was not the most pleasant I could have been. I don't think I was overly mean, but seriously....don't assume just because 2 parents came in to the conference that they are together. And do not contact the father when everything you have ever received regarding money, health, school records has been from the mother. Her follow up was oh, I'm sorry I didn't have your contact information. Yeah, I responded with ALL my contact information for her use and a pleasant reminder that my contact information is on all the enrollment forms.

It has been the weirdest week ever!!!

Lazy Days

I am having one of those days. I want to get stuff done, but I really have no energy to do anything. Lazy days...winter must be coming, I need to hibernate! And the head cold that wants to take over is not helping me with my energy level at all.

A decided to be an complete jerk via text...would it be bad to block his number??? I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with him or his crap - I am getting spoiled with the drama-free zone I created for myself. They moved the entry of judgment back to October 20, so another month before I can just let the state deal with it all.

I walked a portion of The Freedom Trail before coming home last week. Boston really is a pretty town, LOUD, but pretty. I got just past the north end, Revere's House and it was starting to get dark so I turned around to walk back to my car. Strange town after dark by myself...I thought it would be best to be at my car by dark and if I was well on my way to the hotel that would be really good considering my night-blindness. :)

Problem Girl???

Listen...Enjoy...and then if you would think for a moment...


Rob Thomas, Problem Girl

Is there a place in your life that you feel you are always a problem? You can do nothing right? And then there is this other place in your life where everything seems to work out...very little goes wrong and you are treated like the next best thing?

My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."

A just makes me feel like dirt: I am an inconvenience, I am too inexperienced, I am an idiot, It's my fault when things go wrong, I don't satisfy, It's my fault our marriage failed, If I were better everything would work out, I AM INADEQUATE...

I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...

and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!

Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.

Wanna think some more???




Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...

Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........

edited 10/2/10

O.M.G.

I called the circuit clerks office this morning and my divorce papers are still in the judge's chambers..."not sure why, but next time I'm up there I will check." Gee, would ya? Could ya? I didn't pay you $338 to file (not to mention the $250 to get the papers done) just because! I really kinda want this divorce...silly me!!!! I mean he has been living with his girlfriend since he moved out 3 years ago. AHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Accident

Julie, fellow blogger, broke her wrist this summer and when she got the her cast off I had mentioned I broke both my wrists. She asked me how. Let's travel back in time...February 1995. (there is a lesson here kids, and I am putting some pictures** that are not bad but are still kind of gross to get the point across.)

A was an over the road truck driver, and I worked not quite but almost full time retail. I was ready for some time off in the after Christmas season. We made plans for me to go over the road with him. We went all over from the eastern seaboard to Texas, the last run we were on was through Canada/Pennsylvania/Michigan and then back to the hub. I had so much fun, but by the time we got back we were both exhausted...we debated driving the hour and half to my parents or the 5/6 hours home for the weekend. He had a check waiting for us so we decided to go home, February 10, 1995. At the halfway point he was sleeping and I was so exhausted that I decided to stop and try to take a nap. Three hours later the sun rose, and I woke up. I was so tired, but uncomfortable with staying where we were any longer. I tried to wake A up, but to no avail. I took a deep breath and decided that I could do it, no worries. I was 19, nothing could stop me! Except that damn cop car that did a U-turn right there...darn it. Maybe I shouldn't have been playing around, speeding, being an all around dumb ass driver. I didn't even talk myself out of that ticket! I started driving again, I was so shaky, nervous...I didn't want to drive anymore darn it I just wanted to be home!!!! I hated tickets then, now I do my best to talk myself out of them...but I digress. We got to the next big town and stopped for gas. A had woken up and said he would take over driving. He knew the area better than I did anyway. I put my seat back and covered up. After awhile I remember waking up because we stopped at this church because apparently you can't pass it without ringing the bell or bad luck...BWEE! this is the last of my memories of that day, the rest of this is from medical reports and second hand information - OH until the police report (funny stuff actually).

The car was speeding down a back country road, up the other road the girl that was going to hit us or we hit knew we were not going to stop (why didn't you stop idiot???)...our car ran a stop sign and the oncoming van hit passenger side once starting the car to spin and then hit it again on the rear end causing it to start flipping. So, the car was spinning and flipping...as it did the passenger door flew open and both A and I exited out the car, ok maybe we were ejected much like the car was a little sick and tired of the abuse of being driven in such an undignified manner, via the passenger side door. The car traveled approximately another 50 feet into a corn field. I was found more than 250 feet from the car...I guess I did my best superman impression and flew between 200-300 feet depending on the ejection point.



I woke up in the hospital February 13, 1995...groggy but alive, a miracle according to the doctors - not just because of my injuries. My parents had been there; my father in all of his need to help apparently overdosed me with my Demerol pump. I was unconscious so the hospital/doctor/nurse whatever just had it on a steady drip, but the "doorbell" was attached for when I woke up and they could change the settings. My father decided every time I moaned I was in pain so he pushed the "doorbell" and a flow of Demerol went into me until from what they say I started vomiting a la The Exorcist. Which was bad, because they did not have my shoulder strapped down so I got a second round of them popping that bad boy into place....I have no recollection of that so in my eyes more power to my daddy!!!

My injuries consisted of hairline fracture in my skull, awesome black-eye that I had for like 2 months, various cuts (those plastic surgeons are good you can almost not tell), left elbow dislocated, left wrist broken, right shoulder dislocated, right wrist broken, both hands crushed, my rings were embedded into my fingers, right pinkie finger compound fracture (the only finger that got special attention), various other cuts and bruises on my body, some internal bleeding but no big deal.

A few days after I woke up they were finally able to clean me up:

that's not a smile
the nurses in the hospital were great from what I remember

The glass and weeds they took out of my hair along with bits of the car were crazy! My sister stayed to help take care of me, do my hair and other necessities that I was unable to do (and frankly now I have no shame because I have been pretty darn low). My first opportunity to get out of that bed was about a week or so after the accident. This was the first time my shoulder was taped...such a happy face:

Wasn't I ever so pretty at 19???

I was out of the hospital about a week and a half when the police knocked at our door. I still looked like the above picture without the bandage on my face...I was so messed up on pain meds. The police were trying to arrest me and I asked them to wait because I needed to nap, laid down on the couch and almost feel asleep. The officer in his infinite wisdom told me to place my hands behind my back (what?), which is when A stepped in and said she can't. I stepped up to say I can if I try, but these idiots are going to have a talk with the doctor and will be paying the bill. We got to the police station, both A and I were booked for falsely reporting an accident. They tried to take my fingerprints, I'd like to know how that worked out for them but never got an answer...and took our statements. A was then released because the officer admitted he never took a statement from him. They were talking to me and I looked at this officer and I told him flat out....wait you have to picture me exactly like I was above, hopped up on high power medication, with my head on the table..."dude, are you on some sort of crack? I have never seen you before in my life. but whatever you say, as long as it gets me back in bed I am going to go with." This is what the officer went with, our lawyers fought it and pretty much told the judge that if the cops would have investigated the accident instead of looking and saying 'oh she got a ticket this morning she was driving' they would know exactly what happened and would be able to tell all of us. They went on to make A and I stand in front of the judge and said it doesn't take an ace investigator to see if the seat was back he was driving if it was forward she was. The judge pretty much sided with us; A took the tickets and blame for the accident though because I had quite enough tickets on my record thank you very much and he had none. I left the courtroom with a slap on the cast......

But, lessons were learned! I never ever drive tired anymore, because there is a very real possibility that I was driving that car. I wear my seat-belt even in the passenger seat, I used to only wear it when I was driving. Lastly, I never let my father close to any of my medications when I don't feel good, his hearts in the right place but that man'll kill me.


**Why were pictures taken, remembrance of the day I was almost lost to people that loved me. Reminders never to wait until it's too late to say how you feel

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2

Today

Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.

Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!

Miracle Baby

(originally posted 4/18/2010)

It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...

In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!

I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!

November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.

The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!

Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)

Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.

One of Those Days

(originally posted Thursday 3/11/2010)

There are some days that you just know you should crawl back into bed and wait for the next one...today was one of those days! It started with the snooze button, always a bad sign, and before I could get into the shower Doodles walks into the bathroom with a bloody nose. No rhyme or reason why, it just started bleeding. I have a bleeder on my hands!!! We run out the door with everything we need for the day and it appears I am only going to be a few minutes late to work. Not bad considering.

Ahhhh, traffic, how you have filled my week with glee! All week the interstate has been a mess for my commute, why would today be any different?!?!? Oy vey. But, I finally arrive at work...only 15 minutes late! Open my email and discover that soccer practice will be held outside - WHAT?!?!?! I did not grab the stuff required for outside soccer practice! I will deal, I will figure it out, I am a mom it's what we do! Work today was...eventful to say the least. I was nominated to take someone's place on an improvement team, I accepted, and then I received a meeting notice for today...talk about hitting a girl over the head - yes I did get action items and my head is still spinning. Beyond that, the normal fires and we have our annual conference coming up in a little over a week so I will be traveling again and need to prepare for the conf - thus is the life. Sometime between the fires, the meetings, trying to get ready to implement new procedures I found time to go to the sporting good store to get some outdoor gear for Doodles for today's practice, I needed to buy black socks for him anyway so whatever.

Soccer practice was...COLD!!!! Yes, I didn't have time to go change so I went in my work-wear. I wore the cutest lil mini today...mmmm yeppers great choice! So, I took a chance and went and sat in the car...bad move, Doodles freaked when he realized I wasn't in his eyesight and had an accident. The height of misery for my 6 year old. I feel so bad!!!! Luckily I had his school clothes still in the car. So we got home, I feed him, put him in a nice warm bath...and then the end of bath time came and I fought with him to get him out. Oh yes, I should have never gotten out of bed this morning.

Finally, everything is quiet...the washing machine is almost done and I will be able to go to bed and start all over tomorrow. I haven't told Doodles that his father isn't picking him up until after his game on Saturday yet...because of the teeter totter he goes through of wanting to go/not wanting to go - I admit I'm a chicken :)