Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, nightmares...to get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.
Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........
I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!
I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"
He responds, "she's our baby"
"Give her to me!"
Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....
B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!
We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.
Safety - B is very worried right now.......how bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.
Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.
We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Belief
I had therapy today and we did an exercise that sorta blew my mind. I mean, I know that I have deep feelings about situations and I know that there is stuff going on in there....but I did not realize it was just as out of whack as it is.
I am such a mess!!!!!
So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...
The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.
The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer
The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)
The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.
So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.
Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.
I am such a mess!!!!!
So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...
The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.
The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer
The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)
The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.
So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.
Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Burden
SIGH.........burden. Six letters, not a big word, not a particularly hard word until you say it out loud. It gets to be an even bigger word when you are asked if you feel as if you are a burden; if you feel as though when you go into therapy you are burdening someone...and because you promised yourself you would be honest you reply in the affirmative.
Words. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. Those words take root. If they are words of kindness and love they take root, grow, flower and strengthen a person. When they are words of ugliness those words take root, grow thorny bushes of pain that weaken.
Actions. What a person does backs up those words. Cultivating the garden of a heart, a mind, a soul....friend, spouse, child. Actions help those flowers of love grow and strengthen or they reinforce the growth of vine and thorns.
Burden. Such a hopeless, horrible feeling. Knowing that this is how you have been viewed. Fearing being viewed like this again. Better to have everyone at arms length. Best to have others ask for your assistance and not ask for anything. Keeping the tears and the pain inside.
Strength. Such confidence when defending others. So strong and sure that everyone else is worthy, kind, wonderful...so willing to stand up for them. So unwilling to stand up for yourself for fear of bothering someone.
Words. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. Those words take root. If they are words of kindness and love they take root, grow, flower and strengthen a person. When they are words of ugliness those words take root, grow thorny bushes of pain that weaken.
Actions. What a person does backs up those words. Cultivating the garden of a heart, a mind, a soul....friend, spouse, child. Actions help those flowers of love grow and strengthen or they reinforce the growth of vine and thorns.
Burden. Such a hopeless, horrible feeling. Knowing that this is how you have been viewed. Fearing being viewed like this again. Better to have everyone at arms length. Best to have others ask for your assistance and not ask for anything. Keeping the tears and the pain inside.
Strength. Such confidence when defending others. So strong and sure that everyone else is worthy, kind, wonderful...so willing to stand up for them. So unwilling to stand up for yourself for fear of bothering someone.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Actions Speak...
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.
Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.
We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.
Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.
Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.
We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.
Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Forgiveness...
For those of you that have read me blather on this probably not going to come as a surprise....to those of you who may not have read here is some insight from my new therapist:
I want things done now!
SURPRISE???? I didn't think so. My therapist summarized my last two therapy sessions and what she sees so far...I want the forgiveness to come quickly, I want the healing to be there. And since it is not she believes that I am being very hard on myself. I have been through a lot (hmmm, really?!?!) and I should allow myself time to grieve, feel the pain, forgive myself before I start beating myself up for not forgiving the people responsible for causing the pain.
I have thought a lot about that the last 2 days and spot on!!! What happened in my marriage happened over the course of 13 years...I have been married 15 (and still counting, but I'm not bitter Illinois, nope not bitter at all). I didn't forgive in those first 2/3 years...there was a lot of pain for years. It took a long, long time to realize that it wasn't my fault, that I was worth more than what I had, that no one would look at me as a whore for what happened to me. Being raped was not my fault and I did not have to marry the person who victimized me. It took me a long time to forgive myself for the predicament that I found myself in and to figure things out. Once I forgave me, that is when I was able to forgive A. With everything that happened with the other, the babies, manipulation and psychological stuff...I really do blame myself for a lot of that. I should have been stronger, I should have been -- well, whatever I should have been I was in the beginnings of divorce, being on my own for the first time and completely uncertain of everything. I was not strong, by any stretch of the imagination - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically I was weak and tired. So, I need to take a step back and review things from a forgiveness of self angle.
Now that we know that, I will let you all know that there is a new boy. I am not going to spill too much because I am in the process of ruining that by being a total headcase. I will tell you he is very nice and he tells me I am pretty.
Eminem - When I'm Gone
(just a song I like)
I want things done now!
SURPRISE???? I didn't think so. My therapist summarized my last two therapy sessions and what she sees so far...I want the forgiveness to come quickly, I want the healing to be there. And since it is not she believes that I am being very hard on myself. I have been through a lot (hmmm, really?!?!) and I should allow myself time to grieve, feel the pain, forgive myself before I start beating myself up for not forgiving the people responsible for causing the pain.
I have thought a lot about that the last 2 days and spot on!!! What happened in my marriage happened over the course of 13 years...I have been married 15 (and still counting, but I'm not bitter Illinois, nope not bitter at all). I didn't forgive in those first 2/3 years...there was a lot of pain for years. It took a long, long time to realize that it wasn't my fault, that I was worth more than what I had, that no one would look at me as a whore for what happened to me. Being raped was not my fault and I did not have to marry the person who victimized me. It took me a long time to forgive myself for the predicament that I found myself in and to figure things out. Once I forgave me, that is when I was able to forgive A. With everything that happened with the other, the babies, manipulation and psychological stuff...I really do blame myself for a lot of that. I should have been stronger, I should have been -- well, whatever I should have been I was in the beginnings of divorce, being on my own for the first time and completely uncertain of everything. I was not strong, by any stretch of the imagination - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically I was weak and tired. So, I need to take a step back and review things from a forgiveness of self angle.
Now that we know that, I will let you all know that there is a new boy. I am not going to spill too much because I am in the process of ruining that by being a total headcase. I will tell you he is very nice and he tells me I am pretty.
Eminem - When I'm Gone
(just a song I like)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Moving Forward
We must all move forward in our lives or get run over by those to inconsiderate to watch where they are going. I am honest enough to tell you I do not want to...I just want to sit and wait for my judgment day to come. But I am also realistic enough to understand that if I stay stagnant it not only affects me but my child. Knowing this I took steps in the last week to take a few tentative steps forward.
First, I started therapy with a new therapist at a local Seminary. I like that we start and end with a prayer. It makes me feel very good that I bring my Christianity into my therapy. Like this time I really may get the mind and spirit in tune together. The things that have happened in my life have harmed me mentally, emotionally and physically...but have strengthened me spiritually. I am hoping that this route will give me strength and heal me mentally and emotionally. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door will open, seek and ye shall find.
Second, I proactively went out of my way to break my isolation. I went to lunch with a friend after church. I am proactively seeking someone to hang out with, to go places, to talk to that is older than six. Not that I mind talking to my six year old...but an adult conversation may just be in order sometimes.
Lastly, I have started taking a few minutes every morning when I wake up to mediate in a way. I take a few deep breathes, force a smile, and think about the blessings in my life...I have so many. I do think until the smile is no longer forced but a natural, soft smile. Today was a good day, even with the dentist and A.
Now to vent about the bad parts of the day...bad being a relative term, they didn't take the smile from my face...
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?? Well, I do!!!! I have dentist stories that are True Story Tuesday (Rachel's blog) worthy. So, I had to go today to get my left side cleaned...yeah one side at a time, I get the deep periodontal cleaning. And, I got 2 minute cavities filled. As much as I hate the dentist, I cannot stand for them to tell me that I have even a spot developing...FILL IT, DRILL IT AND FILL IT!!!! Yes, I am that freak. You all have heard that freak in the dentist office and yes it is me. :) I hate when my mouth is numb, it drives me insane!!!! UGH....I have to go back next week and get my right side done.
Then after work it is scout night...A picked Doodles up and I went to go get invitations for his birthday party. I was in Target and in walked Doodles and A, apparently they needed a glue gun for some project. A hands it to me and asks me to pay for it. WTH??? How did I get stuck with buying a glue gun? And where is that glue gun?????? Not that I like to repeat myself overly much, but UGH!!! That man is unbelievable some times.
Now to leave you with something positive, because it was a good day...apparently I won something. I know, What??? I won first prize in the Scout Raffle. $300 Best Buy Gift Card. Woo Hoo. Doodles birthday present........
First, I started therapy with a new therapist at a local Seminary. I like that we start and end with a prayer. It makes me feel very good that I bring my Christianity into my therapy. Like this time I really may get the mind and spirit in tune together. The things that have happened in my life have harmed me mentally, emotionally and physically...but have strengthened me spiritually. I am hoping that this route will give me strength and heal me mentally and emotionally. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door will open, seek and ye shall find.
Second, I proactively went out of my way to break my isolation. I went to lunch with a friend after church. I am proactively seeking someone to hang out with, to go places, to talk to that is older than six. Not that I mind talking to my six year old...but an adult conversation may just be in order sometimes.
Lastly, I have started taking a few minutes every morning when I wake up to mediate in a way. I take a few deep breathes, force a smile, and think about the blessings in my life...I have so many. I do think until the smile is no longer forced but a natural, soft smile. Today was a good day, even with the dentist and A.
Now to vent about the bad parts of the day...bad being a relative term, they didn't take the smile from my face...
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?? Well, I do!!!! I have dentist stories that are True Story Tuesday (Rachel's blog) worthy. So, I had to go today to get my left side cleaned...yeah one side at a time, I get the deep periodontal cleaning. And, I got 2 minute cavities filled. As much as I hate the dentist, I cannot stand for them to tell me that I have even a spot developing...FILL IT, DRILL IT AND FILL IT!!!! Yes, I am that freak. You all have heard that freak in the dentist office and yes it is me. :) I hate when my mouth is numb, it drives me insane!!!! UGH....I have to go back next week and get my right side done.
Then after work it is scout night...A picked Doodles up and I went to go get invitations for his birthday party. I was in Target and in walked Doodles and A, apparently they needed a glue gun for some project. A hands it to me and asks me to pay for it. WTH??? How did I get stuck with buying a glue gun? And where is that glue gun?????? Not that I like to repeat myself overly much, but UGH!!! That man is unbelievable some times.
Now to leave you with something positive, because it was a good day...apparently I won something. I know, What??? I won first prize in the Scout Raffle. $300 Best Buy Gift Card. Woo Hoo. Doodles birthday present........
Monday, October 11, 2010
Things I cannot say
I do not know how to TELL you or anyone the depths of my feelings. I cannot speak of them because of the tears that drown out my voice, the ocean of feelings that I stand in that threatens to drown me. I cannot open my mouth because I stand to deep, I will drown! The water in which I stand is just below my nose; I feel as if I take even one quick deep breath it will be over. I have tried to swim out of this, I hear all of you!!! It surrounds me and it does not get any more shallow, it does not subside...I have tried because I know the importance to all of you. But now, I stand frightened...stagnant...unable to move forward or back because I just do not know which way to go. I stand defeated but unable to surrender.
Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...
A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.
A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.
The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.
A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........
Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...
A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.
A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.
The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.
A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
My Week...the good, bad, and hmmmm
It has been just a long week and it is only Wednesday. I am home this week, which is AWESOME! but with the various appointments to keep and work and neverending...
Work has been busy, but it is really going well. I am enjoying this job immensely. It is challenging and keeps me on the go which is all I really ask for. Procedures are being written and will be rolled out over the next few months throughout the companies and then we will move onto the next big task. It is very satisfying!!!!! But my laptop - UGH! The stupid cursor keeps jumping all over and I cannot figure out how to make it stop!!!!!! It selects text just because it is possessed....the UNDO button has become my BFF. It is so annoying.
Doodles went for a re-evaluation for his autism today with a different therapist. This therapist was absolutely awesome! She is not going to diagnose him one way or another, she is going to give it a few appointments. BUT, she sees no signs of ADHD and she is not seeing the autistic signs that would lead to that diagnosis. She believes he may have a Type A personality and have his own way of coping. The best thing about it was she actually listened when I told her I was uncertain about all of this because he could be reactive off of everything going on in my life. She totally agreed and she said that she doesn't want to send anything to school yet, but she might. She believes he was a target of a teacher that just wanted him medicated. He definitely does not need that. Doodles talked to her and interacted...she understood the only child, shy thing. I am DEFINITELY taking him back and going through additional testing with her. I KNEW he was being mis-diagnosed. Dr. E wants to really get to the bottom of things and if he is just Type A she is going to work with him on some coping skills. Always a good thing. I think this is the best thing EVAH!!! By the end of this he will be correctly diagnosed and will have coping skills no matter if it is autism or not. I feel good about it.
My therapy...the hypnosis is on hold. I was going to start on Monday, but "there was a block". So we talked and I need to go and talk to one or 2 more people before I am ok with doing this. The gist of it is I need to make sure this is in line with my spiritual beliefs. I haven't found anything in the Bible saying it's not, but I am going to consult with my Pastor and have a good long talk. This whole journey is about being healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If I am not healthy in one way there will always be that whole in me.
Work has been busy, but it is really going well. I am enjoying this job immensely. It is challenging and keeps me on the go which is all I really ask for. Procedures are being written and will be rolled out over the next few months throughout the companies and then we will move onto the next big task. It is very satisfying!!!!! But my laptop - UGH! The stupid cursor keeps jumping all over and I cannot figure out how to make it stop!!!!!! It selects text just because it is possessed....the UNDO button has become my BFF. It is so annoying.
Doodles went for a re-evaluation for his autism today with a different therapist. This therapist was absolutely awesome! She is not going to diagnose him one way or another, she is going to give it a few appointments. BUT, she sees no signs of ADHD and she is not seeing the autistic signs that would lead to that diagnosis. She believes he may have a Type A personality and have his own way of coping. The best thing about it was she actually listened when I told her I was uncertain about all of this because he could be reactive off of everything going on in my life. She totally agreed and she said that she doesn't want to send anything to school yet, but she might. She believes he was a target of a teacher that just wanted him medicated. He definitely does not need that. Doodles talked to her and interacted...she understood the only child, shy thing. I am DEFINITELY taking him back and going through additional testing with her. I KNEW he was being mis-diagnosed. Dr. E wants to really get to the bottom of things and if he is just Type A she is going to work with him on some coping skills. Always a good thing. I think this is the best thing EVAH!!! By the end of this he will be correctly diagnosed and will have coping skills no matter if it is autism or not. I feel good about it.
My therapy...the hypnosis is on hold. I was going to start on Monday, but "there was a block". So we talked and I need to go and talk to one or 2 more people before I am ok with doing this. The gist of it is I need to make sure this is in line with my spiritual beliefs. I haven't found anything in the Bible saying it's not, but I am going to consult with my Pastor and have a good long talk. This whole journey is about being healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If I am not healthy in one way there will always be that whole in me.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Theraputic Hypnosis
I am starting a form a of therapy that some will not approve of...but I have spoken to a person who has been highly recommended to do this. In order for it to be successful I need to remove certain elements from this blog (and other places that I have kept information just in case). I am going to do "Memory Wash" hypnosis. I have been told that it will erase my memory of the events that happened and the person I want to forget. I will still have certain emotional scars, but the pain from them will be alleviated and I won't really know where they came from. It should make me more confident and back to my outgoing personable self. I am not a big fan of forgetting things, but I really am not a big fan of locking myself away either. The pain, feelings of worthlessness, and fear are not going away and it has been about a year. This is just a more proactive then talk therapy.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Problem Girl???
Listen...Enjoy...and then if you would think for a moment...
Rob Thomas, Problem Girl
My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."
I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...
and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!
Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.
Wanna think some more???
Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...
Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........
edited 10/2/10
Rob Thomas, Problem Girl
Is there a place in your life that you feel you are always a problem? You can do nothing right? And then there is this other place in your life where everything seems to work out...very little goes wrong and you are treated like the next best thing?
My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."
A just makes me feel like dirt: I am an inconvenience, I am too inexperienced, I am an idiot, It's my fault when things go wrong, I don't satisfy, It's my fault our marriage failed, If I were better everything would work out, I AM INADEQUATE...
I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...
and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!
Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.
Wanna think some more???
Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...
Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........
edited 10/2/10
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Redundancy, BLUCH
Someone I trust contacted me regarding the going ons in regards to my blogging. She told me that she had been keeping track of things and was so proud of the progress that I was making. She asked me what happened...I explained and she told me that once again my emotions were being used against me, once again I was manipulated and I allowed it. She told me that she wanted me to really think about the conversation and reflect on it. She wanted me to contact her to discuss it further.
I talked to her about it and told her how angry I was about things. Only a therapist is pleased when someone tells them that you are angry. I told her that I was going to blog again, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say...the backstory was not there any longer. She wants me to add it again. She thinks I should repost - she told me that being able to look back and see the progress I have made just by purging it out it healthy. I don't have them all. She told me she grabbed some of them and would email them to me. Before deleting some of them I saved the ones that really spoke to me. So, in the next few days I will populate this blog with what I can from what I have deleted.
I detest being redundant. :)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Irreparable Damage...
There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.
I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)
I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!
For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!
I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)
I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!
For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Fairy Tale
(originally posted Wednesday 3/10/2010)
I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.
When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.
I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.
I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.
I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.
I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.
When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.
I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.
I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.
I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Worthless
Worthless unless I am being abused...he tried to say he never said that. I will grant him this, those exact words did not come out of his mouth, but that is the interpretation of the words not just by me but validated by a professional. That professional did not want to validate the word worthless, tried to think of a different spin, but at the end of the day agreed that the words spoken did seem to imply that there was no place in life for me unless I was being abused.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
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