Brought to you by Julie
Dear R,
In Scripture we are taught when there is division to confront the person who did you wrong, to try and settle the differences, to forgive. If the differences are too big for individuals to settle among themselves, we are taught to seek the help of the church. I have tried to find complete and total forgiveness and it has alluded me. I am trying for peace in my life.
I am seeing a new therapist, a few weeks ago she had me go down a path that made me face things I was had been pushing down. Unwilling to face, unprepared to deal with. My therapist wanted me to face grief, but what surfaced was a whole host of feelings that I did not realize were there...buried. With grief came red, hot hatred. A feeling that I am uncomfortable with, a feeling that has been buried and seething deep inside of me for two years. One that I didn't realize was there; one that may be the wall holding up total forgiveness.
I hate you for not being a friend to me when you said that our friendship was what mattered. I hate you for not stepping up and being the man you are supposed to be. I hate you for putting so much pressure on me to always be there for you while you continually tore me to shreds - intentional or not. I hate you for allowing yourself to become the monster that would abuse children, your children, and a woman, someone you claimed to care about. I hate you for not ever standing up for yourself, and I hate you for taking the trust I had in you as a person and destroying that. I hate you for doing to me what you promised you would never do. I hate you for proclaiming promises mean something and finding out they mean nothing. I hate you for making me feel like something to regret, someone less than human, worthless. I hate you for ruining a really good friendship. I hate you for abandoning me, but mostly for abandoning our child. I hate that I cannot grieve without the thought of you and everything you did to me bubbling to the surface diminishing all else - I blame you for that, I hate you for that.
I have done things wrong and I take responsibility for my part. I allowed myself to lose control. I allowed myself to be used by you. I allowed our friendship to go up in flames. I was not strong enough to stand up to you and force you to step up. I put your feelings before my own, and before our child's. I apologized to your mother, even knowing you would be upset by it -- I am ashamed of that. I should have sent the apology to you to pass on when you were ready. I allowed you to think that I had something to do with things that I had nothing to do with in order to ensure that you hate me...I felt it would create a better home life for you if you could honestly say you hated me, even as I know hate is as un-Christian a feeling as a person can have. I allowed myself to get upset enough to call after opening night when I should not have, it was not a healthy conversation for either of us. You stated I contacted you more than I believe I have...if I did it would have been in error and against the entire reason I changed all of my contact information...changed my entire life -- but that is neither here nor there, you say I did and I am going to take you at your word and apologize. Please believe that I did not mean to. I have a lot of shame because of what I allowed, because of some of the things I did, and for the feelings I harbor......but that is all me - my responsibility to face it. I am letting you know, only so that you realize that I am truly sorry and filled with an immense amount of sorrow for the things I did, I allowed.
I am hoping that by admitting to my feelings...allowing the hatred to run through me that the love I have inside of me will expel it from me. True, complete forgiveness comes from a place of love. I do not want to feel hate for you, frankly I would prefer to get to that loving, forgiving place as soon as possible. I pray for it nightly. I understand that everything will happen in God's time and as He wills it to be. I hope that by settling the division between us, God is pleased enough to see that forgiveness is achieved and He allows you to fade into the recesses of my memory banks.
I have hopes that God is taking the devil's temptation that was put in your path in 2006 and turning it into a healthy, marriage where the two of you serve each other in Christ. I have faith that whereas it may have been temptation and sin that lead to your marriage, God will work to make it right if you and T allow Him to work in your lives. I pray for happiness for you and your family.
"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Gal 5:18-24 (Christian freedom means walking and conducting oneself, by the Holy Spirit's power and leading. The sinful flesh, consumed by self-importance, instinctively looks down on others...At Baptism we were united with Christ, who dies to set us free from sin and the way of the law -- O Holy Spirit, give us daily victories over sin in our personal life and above all the power to love one another. Amen.)
Sincerely,
one who seeks peace
