Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Belief

I had therapy today and we did an exercise that sorta blew my mind. I mean, I know that I have deep feelings about situations and I know that there is stuff going on in there....but I did not realize it was just as out of whack as it is.

I am such a mess!!!!!

So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...

The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.

The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer

The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)

The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.

So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.

Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.

Knowledge :)

I learn something new Every. Single. Day.!!! Now, I know that I am in a training class today and I am supposed to be learning today but thats neither here nor there. This is about Sea-Tac...I was under the assumption (yes I know that they say) that it was the Seattle - Tacoma area International Airport.......HUH! Nope, there is a little town called SeaTac. I am amazed!!! AMAZED I tell ya!!!!!!!!!

Vindicated....I am at the airport today (thursday 12/16) and as I was driving in the sign says Seattle Tacoma Area International Airport! Booyah. SeaTac, obviously you sprang up as a town because people are too lazy to drive to work LOL

The Choking Game

So, I saw this new story this morning that completely bothered me. It is not just the story that is disturbing, but the comments. Apparently there is a "fun game" that kids/teens/young adults are playing these days...the game is to choke themselves to get a buzz. I vaguely recall in my younger days hearing about "stoners" doing this to elongate their high or something; but today apparently these kids are doing it without being under the influence.

HELLO, I have had someone choke me until I passed out. I have had someone choke me until I was close to passing out and laugh in my face as I gasped for air. Children, this is not a high!!!! When you forcible cut off air to your brain you are KILLING YOUR BRAIN CELLS! This is so dangerous -- oh yeah, the reason its news is because a teenage girl was found dead due to this. Not suicide, trying to get a high.

In short, apparently as parents we must talk to our children about sex, drugs, smoking, abuse, the hazards of household chemicals, and now choking themselves!!!! I understand having to talk to my child about having a positive self-image and how important it is to understand the consequences of sex, drugs and smoking. I even know how very important it is to talk to him about treating others with respect and making sure he is treated as such. But to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about hey don't choke yourself because it's kinda dumb......I mean how do ya approach it???? OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today

Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.

Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!

O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!

Anonymity....nah

When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.

As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:

• I am a human being
• I have a right to my feelings
• I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
  
• The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs

My adult life has been hard, but through every hardship comes growth and a life lesson.

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

Sweet Cakes...ADVICE FROM GAGA????

(originally posted Tuesday 6/22/2010)

ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.


“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.

There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.

There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.

I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.