HATE

Hatred seeps through my heart and gushes into my veins. I HATE HIM! For so long now I have done my best to keep my feelings pushed down, not allowing them to surface. Unwilling to face the unbearable pain that hatred brings.

B just wanted me to face my grief; she had no idea what was bubbling underneath. The hot, molten liquid that is hatred and grief mixed into a cocktail that I cannot handle. Now it is here, on the surface, strong and unbending. All afternoon I have been trying to get it back under control....it is not working. I want to find him. I want to hit him. I want to physically hit him. I hate him. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE him.

It's not Christian....it's not appropriate to hate. Ya know what B said........I look down like I am filled with shame. I am. I am ashamed that I am so filled with this burning hatred, I am ashamed that my choices brought my to this place, I am ashamed at what I have become. And, I am ashamed that I cannot even grieve properly without hatred for Rob.....

I can't do this!!!

"Perfect by Nature..."

The Great Big Whatever

I don't feel like it anymore. Are you wondering what "it" is....working, blogging, therapy, school...pretty much anything outside of Doodles - I don't feel like it.

Yes, I know that is not good. Holding everything inside is bad...blogging allows me to do purge of it all. But I am so sick of facing my feelings...that's normal, right? I hope that is normal...

Anyone who knows me will be shocked by my next statement.......I turned down the oppirtunity to join the mentoring program at work. I don't feel like it, so I said not right now. In a few months, I will probably kick my own butt -- but right now it gets a great big WHATEVER!

I am going to sit in my hotel room and eat my milk chocolate Dove candies..........maybe the whole bag. If I gain weight, who cares???? In awhile, I will -- but right now....Whatev!

Plateau of who the hell cares

Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, nightmares...to get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.

Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........

I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!

I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"

He responds, "she's our baby"

"Give her to me!"

Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....

B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!

We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.

Safety - B is very worried right now.......how bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.

Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.

We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.

Tears

Downward spiral...tears. Lots of tears. I cried on the way home from Bible study tonight...no rhyme or reason, just BAM! All of a sudden my vision is blurry with tears and they start to fall down my face. I have cried myself to sleep twice this week. I woke up last night with my pillow damp, the flow still going.

I am trying to stop the spiral. Listening to upbeat music. Working, working, working. Doing whatever I can to think those upbeat thoughts. I know what comes next...I am trying so hard to divert it.

Hopelessness, darkness, helplessness, until it gets so bleak......I am trying, but the tears won't stop.

Pour Your Heart Out: Mommy-Guilt

Courtesy of Shell


Mommy-guilt. I have an acute case of guilt, the mommy kind. I have the best son ever (no bias here)...I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this kid more than anything, but...

my miracle

There are times when my 7 year-old acts more like an adult than I want. I do not want him to grow up too soon, but he is and it's my fault. There are days when I cannot get out of bed because it is just too much work. Doodles knows how to make himself a PB&J or a hot dog in the microwave. There are days when my head hurts so much that moving is not an option. Doodles can get my heat pack warmed up and a wash cloth for my head. There are days when all I can do is cry. Doodles takes care of me.

That is not the way this relationship is supposed to work - I'm the parent. I should be taking care of him, getting his lunch, making sure he plays. He should never have to take care of me. Doodles should be able to be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

no, he was not taking care of me here, 2 and my lil helper, but it feels like this is what I make him do for me.

There are times when my 7 year-old talks to himself. In school, at home, on the playground...talking/singing to himself is how he regulates his emotions. If he is too tired, too stimulated, too nervous, too anxious that talking just gets louder. People are going to look at him like he is insane...but he isn't, he is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. I don't know what to do; as he gets older I don't know how to explain that others do not understand.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - he's supposed to be carefree. I cannot help but have a huge amount of guilt. Did I do this to him by pushing this divorce forward? Do I do this to him by being the way I am? Would he be more well adjusted if he didn't have so many changes in the last year and half? Do I travel too much? Doodles should be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

yep, takes pictures of himself

There are times when my 7 year-old is just that, a loud, rambunctious, crazy kid. And, I lose my temper. I yell, and that harms my Doodles. He is so sensitive and he has issues with his hearing sensors, and I yell. I hate that about myself.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - I'm the mommy. I should have patience and understanding for my baby boy. I cannot stand to lose it with him; he is just being a kid. That wonderful, beautiful little boy that I want him to be.


I have so much mommy-guilt and it eats away at me. Doodles and I are so close. I want so much for him!!! Mostly, I just want him to be happy because I love that kid! He wants to go to a hockey game...I need to stop making excuses and take him.


"I love you

And that's all I know"
lyrics from Five for Fighting All I know
from Chicken Little - scene between dad and Chicken Little...



"There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you"
Miracle - Celine Dion

Can't you just snap out of it???

Depression, a mood disorder that is understood by so many...it is just an overwhelming feeling of sadness, isn't it? It is a conversation that I will have to have with my son someday. I know this, and I have thought about how to describe what depression truly is, not what some clinician writes in a book about it - I will provide him with those too...but try to define it in the best way possible so there can be a sense of understanding for him. Among people who have this disorder there is but one commonality that I have found when talking to others (beyond the sadness) and that is the darkness. Other than that it affects everyone in a different way. Some feel as if they are being chased. You have heard me talk about the feeling of drowning. Some feel trapped. The best way I know how to describe this thing that is labeled "depression" and everything it encompasses is to have you imagine the following scenario:

Picture a room with no windows, one door, the light switch is over near that door. Inside this room is a desk, chair, couch, tables, a lamp, computer...everything you need to work and spend a good portion of your time (keep in mind that there are breakable things on those tables and on that desk). It is a very comfortable place for you. Co-workers, friends, family....they all come into this room from time to time. Its every bit a home to you.

Now, that light bulb starts to dim. Slowly at first and you think you can fix it by screwing it in, by wiggling it, anything except taking it out and changing it...you can feel the darkness creeping in, but you will do anything to hold it off. All of a sudden the light bulb turns off and the door slams shut! At first you take a few steadying breathes and try to change the light bulb. Soon you discover that it is not working, so you get up to see if someone flipped the switch. By this time the tightness has started. As you get up to try to turn on the light you are told you have a hot project for work to complete. You try to focus and do that but the phone rings and you are told not to forget the responsibilities of your home life. All this time all you can think of is I need to turn on that light before someone notices. You begin to have bursts of emotions that you cannot control, you cry for no reason, Panic sets in.

With work and home by the time you get up to try to find that light switch in the pitch black the furniture has moved. You knock into the first table and it pushes you back and you get a little frustrated but know you need to try again. Wait, more work more responsibilities and you have got to remember not to break anything. By this time your friends and family and sometimes your co-workers have noticed what is going on. You try again; the room seems to have shifted on you and you are frightened and do not know what to do, you just want the light turned on. By this time the people in your life are in your head, sometimes in that room with you asking you "why don't you just turn the light on? C'Mon you can do this!!! It's right there just turn the light on." Fear, Panic, Desperation sets in. (don't forget all this time you are bursting into tears for no reason...or for some raging in unaccounted for anger and expected to keep up with your life and that of your significant other and children if you have any)

As well meaning as they are it scares you more, frustrates you more and makes you even more desperate. You start to turn in circles. You now have no idea which way you are facing, what is in front of you or if the room is in shambles - you know you have broken something. This irritates those people that do not understand and they tell you to snap out of it. Or the people that do understand become short with you and tell you just come on already, hasn't this lasted long enough. And that, that's when you give up. You just cannot do it any more. Because really, is it all worth it??? The constant nagging, the constant fear, the constant panic, the constant lack of understanding for what you are going through, the constant feeling that you are letting the people that care down, the constant frustration, AND ALL THAT CRYING!!!

Is It Worth It? Wouldn't it be better off if I was gone? Wouldn't everyone else be better off not worrying about me and my mess ups? Those are the questions that race through your mind and won't stop even for a few hours to let you sleep. Some people just sit in that darkness for a very long time because they have given up. Others commit suicide in order to escape that never ending darkness.

And then there are those that decide it is worth it and try again and again or reach out because they are the lucky ones. The lucky ones have someone who physically walks into that room to take them by the hand and lead them to the light switch. I used to have someone who sat right by that door and never let it slam shut. I always had a little ray of light shining into that room so I could eventually find my way. It was actually 2 someones and they understood I had to do it alone and I knew they were always there to help me find my way.

No one can turn that switch on for us. But, we can always use a lead to guide us...a life saving device...our own personal night light. No one is more afraid of the (figurative) dark than someone with depression.

Things I cannot say

I do not know how to TELL you or anyone the depths of my feelings. I cannot speak of them because of the tears that drown out my voice, the ocean of feelings that I stand in that threatens to drown me. I cannot open my mouth because I stand to deep, I will drown! The water in which I stand is just below my nose; I feel as if I take even one quick deep breath it will be over. I have tried to swim out of this, I hear all of you!!! It surrounds me and it does not get any more shallow, it does not subside...I have tried because I know the importance to all of you. But now, I stand frightened...stagnant...unable to move forward or back because I just do not know which way to go. I stand defeated but unable to surrender.

Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...

A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.

A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.

The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.

A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........

Opening Disaster

It was absolutely RUINED! I went to say hi to a friend, and walked past him. He told me he was going to move on, find a new job, make it so I could be in peace and once again find joy in the one thing I do for myself. LIES!!!! EXCUSES!!! That is all I know from this person who once told me that he doesn't make promises unless he can stand by them. I looked like a fool. I rushed to the ladies room, composed myself enough to make it back to my seat and practically ran back.

I called and left a message, because I am something of a coward telling him that I was shocked to see him still there. He promised...I then told him that I saw a job posted on my way home that he should look into. That was the last of my reserve...I burst into tears as I sat in my seat for the second period. Shaking uncontrollably. Unable to stop the flow of tears. OH who is that foolish girl sitting at the hockey game crying her eyes out???

The boys won the game in OT. Normally I would be very happy...maybe tomorrow. Today I am just drained.

But Mommy

This is a time in my life that I would like to come to a close please..................

waiting...............

possibly, you have not heard but I do not have a lot of patience so if we could just move this along and bring it all to a close I would like that...........no, well I guess I will impatiently wait some more then................

Well, we are waiting for this let me tell you what that child told me today (he has been mentioning a lot the last month or so...) We stopped by the store on the way home to pick up a few things for the weekend and I told him he could have PB&J for dinner. I said I would have a bite of his sandwich, and he tells me "see, you hardly eat anything."

OOOOO, OUCH! When did he get old enough to start noticing these things? I try to hide them from him but I am not doing to good of a job. I have to be more alert and pay more attention to hiding the depression better!!!!!

O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!

Wish

Have you ever wished for something so badly? I do…it is such a ridiculous wish, but it is something that I want so badly. I wish I could have a conversation with him. A real one, one of those conversations where everything was truthful…where we were both completely honest and forthcoming. No matter how badly the words hurt, I wish I could talk to him. I want to know why. Why me? What is it about me? Why did he treat me that way? I just want to understand. I thought he cared, so why????

See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.

It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!

Depression & My Reason to Live

(originally posted Friday 2/26/2010)

Sadness enters my soul and I have no idea what to do with it...I have no place to let it go except for inside of me. There used to be a block, it used to stop at a certain point and not seep into the very depths of me. I feel this so deeply even my bones grow weary from the weight of everything I feel. This does not stop at my heart, my gut...it travels throughout my body to the bottom of my feet, the tips of my fingers. Every part of me is heavy with this - every part of me hurts. My eyes fill with tears without any warning, I have to work so hard to get my lips to form even half a smile to appease others. I am lost; I do not now which way to go to find my way. Every time I turn and think I will find my way back into the sun, the smiles, the laughter it just gets darker, scarier, sadder. I am lost and do not know how or who to ask for directions...I'm scared and do not know what to do anymore. I have turned so many times no one will be able to find me nor will they want to. Will I forever lost in this swirling black mist that surrounds me threatening to take me under?

I have not allowed my depression to get the better of me because there are days when I get woken up with a flying tackle as I was this morning. There are other days when he comes into my room in the middle of the night, all warm and cuddles up next to me to tell me he had a bad dream and falls asleep before finishing his tale. I am the one he trusts, I am the one who slays his dragons - or he slays dragons for depending on the time of day, I shine the light when he is afraid. I know about being afraid and not having anyone there for me; I could never do that to my child. He knows mommy gets sad; but he will tell you that mommy always smiles for him. No matter how bad my life is; I have a gorgeous blue-eyed boy that looks up at me and makes it all worth it. The things he says, what he does...he is so funny - he is everything. And sometimes, Doodles runs into my room full-speed and tackles me when I am still asleep. It is the best way to enter a day...once I get my breath back that is.

Phone Call

I reach for the phone and start to dial before it hits me. The tears that have been building start to spill over slowly. I take a deep breath and walk to the closet, from deep within I dig out the black starter shorts that are filled with so many memories. I strip off the clothes I am wearing, after hugging the shorts close to me I think about washing them as I pull them on. Reaching back into the closet I come out with a shirt and pull it over my head. It still smells faintly like him even after all this time. The tears are coming in earnest now. I am encompassed by the only physical things I have left of the two of them. Crawling on my bed, closing my eyes I will the memories to come. The good ones, the ones that will take the pain and push it to the background. I cannot quite reach the compartment that those memories are locked away in. From two to three and then down to one; back to the closet. I take a deep breath and open the box to pull out the jacket that was given back to me. I put it to my face; it smells as if he just took it off. My arms are in the sleeves and I wrap it around me as I crumble to the floor. From one to none...there is no one to call, not to help me through this pain.