Just Beautiful Me

"Who Says" -- for me so many......



I have had so many people tell me that I was nothing in their eyes. But really, Who are they to say that??? Are we not all created in God's image...was I not created by God in His image. Who are those people to tell God that He made something wrong?

Oh, the stupidity that I had to deal with yesterday was beyond all comprehension. I dealt with it like an adult, and then by going to those I know I can depend on to vent to. Yes, I said things in anger and frustration that I probably should not have, but I am not perfect and do not claim to be. All I can do is try my hardest to act in a Godly manner and when I fail, take those failures to God and ask for His help and forgiveness.

Anyway, it is really nice when one of the Disney/Nick girls puts out a really positive message like this song! "Who says your not perfect? Who says your not beautiful?....I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me!"

Letters of Intent: Honesty at any Cost

Brought to you by Julie

Dear R,

In Scripture we are taught when there is division to confront the person who did you wrong, to try and settle the differences, to forgive. If the differences are too big for individuals to settle among themselves, we are taught to seek the help of the church. I have tried to find complete and total forgiveness and it has alluded me. I am trying for peace in my life.

I am seeing a new therapist, a few weeks ago she had me go down a path that made me face things I was had been pushing down. Unwilling to face, unprepared to deal with. My therapist wanted me to face grief, but what surfaced was a whole host of feelings that I did not realize were there...buried. With grief came red, hot hatred. A feeling that I am uncomfortable with, a feeling that has been buried and seething deep inside of me for two years. One that I didn't realize was there; one that may be the wall holding up total forgiveness.

I hate you for not being a friend to me when you said that our friendship was what mattered. I hate you for not stepping up and being the man you are supposed to be. I hate you for putting so much pressure on me to always be there for you while you continually tore me to shreds - intentional or not. I hate you for allowing yourself to become the monster that would abuse children, your children, and a woman, someone you claimed to care about. I hate you for not ever standing up for yourself, and I hate you for taking the trust I had in you as a person and destroying that. I hate you for doing to me what you promised you would never do. I hate you for proclaiming promises mean something and finding out they mean nothing. I hate you for making me feel like something to regret, someone less than human, worthless. I hate you for ruining a really good friendship. I hate you for abandoning me, but mostly for abandoning our child. I hate that I cannot grieve without the thought of you and everything you did to me bubbling to the surface diminishing all else - I blame you for that, I hate you for that.

I have done things wrong and I take responsibility for my part. I allowed myself to lose control. I allowed myself to be used by you. I allowed our friendship to go up in flames. I was not strong enough to stand up to you and force you to step up. I put your feelings before my own, and before our child's. I apologized to your mother, even knowing you would be upset by it -- I am ashamed of that. I should have sent the apology to you to pass on when you were ready. I allowed you to think that I had something to do with things that I had nothing to do with in order to ensure that you hate me...I felt it would create a better home life for you if you could honestly say you hated me, even as I know hate is as un-Christian a feeling as a person can have. I allowed myself to get upset enough to call after opening night when I should not have, it was not a healthy conversation for either of us. You stated I contacted you more than I believe I have...if I did it would have been in error and against the entire reason I changed all of my contact information...changed my entire life -- but that is neither here nor there, you say I did and I am going to take you at your word and apologize. Please believe that I did not mean to. I have a lot of shame because of what I allowed, because of some of the things I did, and for the feelings I harbor......but that is all me - my responsibility to face it. I am letting you know, only so that you realize that I am truly sorry and filled with an immense amount of sorrow for the things I did, I allowed.

I am hoping that by admitting to my feelings...allowing the hatred to run through me that the love I have inside of me will expel it from me. True, complete forgiveness comes from a place of love. I do not want to feel hate for you, frankly I would prefer to get to that loving, forgiving place as soon as possible. I pray for it nightly. I understand that everything will happen in God's time and as He wills it to be. I hope that by settling the division between us, God is pleased enough to see that forgiveness is achieved and He allows you to fade into the recesses of my memory banks.

I have hopes that God is taking the devil's temptation that was put in your path in 2006 and turning it into a healthy, marriage where the two of you serve each other in Christ. I have faith that whereas it may have been temptation and sin that lead to your marriage, God will work to make it right if you and T allow Him to work in your lives. I pray for happiness for you and your family.

"But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Gal 5:18-24 (Christian freedom means walking and conducting oneself, by the Holy Spirit's power and leading. The sinful flesh, consumed by self-importance, instinctively looks down on others...At Baptism we were united with Christ, who dies to set us free from sin and the way of the law -- O Holy Spirit, give us daily victories over sin in our personal life and above all the power to love one another. Amen.)


Sincerely,
one who seeks peace

STOP judging me

The case made it on the dockets....again! July 11th we meet for the case management conference and schedule the final entry of judgment! WOOT!

This song provided by the thought of STOP judging me! Seriously, I am NOT doing anything wrong. "why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more...." I'll tell you why, because there are bigoted idiots out there who don't care about the story behind the process, all they care about is the end result is "wrong". No you buncha jerks, not this time!!!!! This is oh so right in all the eyes that matter.




And, here we go into angryville......oh boy. I'll try to control it and not take it out on the people who read this blog..............

Redundancy, BLUCH

Someone I trust contacted me regarding the going ons in regards to my blogging. She told me that she had been keeping track of things and was so proud of the progress that I was making. She asked me what happened...I explained and she told me that once again my emotions were being used against me, once again I was manipulated and I allowed it. She told me that she wanted me to really think about the conversation and reflect on it. She wanted me to contact her to discuss it further.

I talked to her about it and told her how angry I was about things. Only a therapist is pleased when someone tells them that you are angry. I told her that I was going to blog again, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say...the backstory was not there any longer. She wants me to add it again. She thinks I should repost - she told me that being able to look back and see the progress I have made just by purging it out it healthy. I don't have them all. She told me she grabbed some of them and would email them to me. Before deleting some of them I saved the ones that really spoke to me. So, in the next few days I will populate this blog with what I can from what I have deleted.

I detest being redundant. :)

Strong Language Advisory...sorry

Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.

You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.

I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!