Opening Disaster

It was absolutely RUINED! I went to say hi to a friend, and walked past him. He told me he was going to move on, find a new job, make it so I could be in peace and once again find joy in the one thing I do for myself. LIES!!!! EXCUSES!!! That is all I know from this person who once told me that he doesn't make promises unless he can stand by them. I looked like a fool. I rushed to the ladies room, composed myself enough to make it back to my seat and practically ran back.

I called and left a message, because I am something of a coward telling him that I was shocked to see him still there. He promised...I then told him that I saw a job posted on my way home that he should look into. That was the last of my reserve...I burst into tears as I sat in my seat for the second period. Shaking uncontrollably. Unable to stop the flow of tears. OH who is that foolish girl sitting at the hockey game crying her eyes out???

The boys won the game in OT. Normally I would be very happy...maybe tomorrow. Today I am just drained.

Promises to myself

I feel as if I am starting a whole new life, not by choice but by circumstances. It is unfair to blame those circumstances solely at A's feet...I know I have been because it has been a little easier but the majority of this new chapter lays squarely in another direction. I know that A's girlfriend has been "hinting around" so I would have gotten the divorce papers sooner or later. But, the pages of my life story started to turn in a flurry and now I have come to a point where everything is changing.

I am leaving a job that I love that I have had for over 5 years. The people here have been like my family. But, I am moving on and will look at this as a positive step forward. It really is a great opportunity to prove myself once again. The only downfall is the travel...it's not something I want to do, but I will and I will be the best like I always am.

I am leaving an apartment that I love living in. It is fairly cheap, I have great neighbors, a church I love and a support group in my friends that are second to none. But, I will leave it behind and look forward. Doodles will start a new school and we will be fine. I will make it work like I always do.

BUT, this new chapter...or maybe whole new book I am making a promise to myself. I will not hide my feelings anymore for the "good of others". I will not harm myself so that the people around me can be ok while I slowly die inside. I will not be unfair to myself any longer.

edited 10/2

Bound

The ties that bind can be so hard to shed. Promises made are promises to be kept! I ask permission to nullify those promises that were once made to no avail. What does it matter what I am thinking or feeling. There is a connection and will always be a connection tying us unless those promises are voided. I am chained by the words I spoke. Fading out of each other's lives, those are the words I heard. Yet because I am bound by promises our lives are still interwoven in Technicolor. Words, actions...why does it seem they contradict each other more than they agree?