Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Belief

I had therapy today and we did an exercise that sorta blew my mind. I mean, I know that I have deep feelings about situations and I know that there is stuff going on in there....but I did not realize it was just as out of whack as it is.

I am such a mess!!!!!

So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...

The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.

The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer

The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)

The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.

So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.

Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.

Burden

SIGH.........burden. Six letters, not a big word, not a particularly hard word until you say it out loud. It gets to be an even bigger word when you are asked if you feel as if you are a burden; if you feel as though when you go into therapy you are burdening someone...and because you promised yourself you would be honest you reply in the affirmative.

Words. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. Those words take root. If they are words of kindness and love they take root, grow, flower and strengthen a person. When they are words of ugliness those words take root, grow thorny bushes of pain that weaken.

Actions. What a person does backs up those words. Cultivating the garden of a heart, a mind, a soul....friend, spouse, child. Actions help those flowers of love grow and strengthen or they reinforce the growth of vine and thorns.

Burden. Such a hopeless, horrible feeling. Knowing that this is how you have been viewed. Fearing being viewed like this again. Better to have everyone at arms length. Best to have others ask for your assistance and not ask for anything. Keeping the tears and the pain inside.

Strength. Such confidence when defending others. So strong and sure that everyone else is worthy, kind, wonderful...so willing to stand up for them. So unwilling to stand up for yourself for fear of bothering someone.