Gems like these

Doodles was dropped off a little while ago and we are watching Wizards of Waverly Place together...a wizard just told Alex and her werewolf boyfriend they had to break up.

Doodles, "It's their relationship. He needs to get out of their love life." Oh and the seriousness of it all was too much for me!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHA.....I am sorry, but it is gems like these that crack me up! He is 7 and spouting his disgust for nosiness already. And, the knowledge about relationships????? Not from me...one too many Nick a/o Disney TV shows I think...

Yep, he can make me laugh no matter how down I am!

New Boy

New boy called yesterday while I was unpacking and I didn't realize my phone rang. At least I think it was new boy......I failed to add his number to my contacts, my bad! So, I sent him a text message today with an apology --- ahhhhhh, I hate myself for that. New boy has not responded yet, but I think I am okay with that...unless I dialed the wrong number and I sent a random person a text message, I did kinda dial the number by memory LOL. That would be kinda funny, and sorta my luck now wouldn't it. Some person out there is currently looking at his phone wondering WTH kind of message he just received and from who....and new boy is currently feeling dissed. I will either hear from new boy, a random stranger or sometime in the future new boy and I will run across one another and be all like why didn't ya call blah blah blah. :)


{no, new boy is not an accountant, I am not that lucky LOL}

Problem Girl???

Listen...Enjoy...and then if you would think for a moment...


Rob Thomas, Problem Girl

Is there a place in your life that you feel you are always a problem? You can do nothing right? And then there is this other place in your life where everything seems to work out...very little goes wrong and you are treated like the next best thing?

My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."

A just makes me feel like dirt: I am an inconvenience, I am too inexperienced, I am an idiot, It's my fault when things go wrong, I don't satisfy, It's my fault our marriage failed, If I were better everything would work out, I AM INADEQUATE...

I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...

and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!

Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.

Wanna think some more???




Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...

Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........

edited 10/2/10

Friendly Advice

Earlier this week I posted that I need an accountant in my life. Misses M told me that I should check out my company accountants and see where they hang, maybe snag one up for myself. BWEE!!!! I stopped in the office yesterday to drop off expense reports and both of the accounting folks that work in the facility I am based out of were in, end of the month and all that. I said hi, made small talk, and in the back of my mind that comment was running through my head the entire time - TYVM my friend, but I did not laugh my butt off until I left the office. The Controller reminds me of, well of my father and the other person is a really, really nice woman. I imagine she hangs out at home, possibly the ballpark (this is a baseball town dontchyaknow), but in all honesty I can't think of one place she would "cut loose" so to speak. So, uh, yeah.....thinking that resource is a NO! :)

There is a serious issue bothering me. For the life of me I cannot find the sign that is taped to me, or if it is a neon sign over my head I cannot find the switch to turn it off. There has got to be something about me that gives a married man the vibe that I am free game. Really attractive man, very kind....very married with children....but hey, flirted with me and made it known that he was interested in getting to know me. Cannot wait for me to come back to the area because I am such a sweetheart. I am not the type of person that is going to be rude. I am not the type of person that knows how to cut people off at the knees. I am the nice girl...especially to my co-workers.

Another example: a friend of mine continues to push "to find time for us". It will only be one or two times, a learning experience (like I have not heard that I needed that my entire marriage), and we would still be friends. No one needs to know. Oh, this guy - he is a sweetheart, cutey-patutie, married. This one is super honest about it going no where; he is 'happily' married and planning on staying that way (unlike R, who used everything in his arsenal to string me along). I respect his honesty, but I'm sorry, possibly it is just me....but happy marriages do not include a cheatin ass man. The following is completely my fault, I don't know how to stop it...I have been playing along, sure, whatever, sounds fun. But, I am never available to see him, I make myself busy!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I need to get it across to him that this is not going to happen. I respect the honesty that is there, I am flattered, but cheating on someone is sleazy and wrong and I just do not want to be a part of it!! {that is an issue that I am working through and will resolve soon}

But, I would love for someone to let me know what it is about me that makes a married guy think I am just going to look the other way. I admit I am naive, often stupidly so...are men really just that insensitive that they do not care about the women that they married???? Seriously, is it all guys.......I know some of them are just losers like that, but it is really all men? If it is all men, how do I go about getting them to look at someone other than me (no I am not going to gain a bunch of weight to make myself unattractive, but I am not adverse to growing warts if need be).

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

Sweet Cakes...ADVICE FROM GAGA????

(originally posted Tuesday 6/22/2010)

ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.


“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.

There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.

There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.

I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.

The Funny and the Sad…

(originally posted Wednesday 6/9/2010)

First the funny…Doodles came home from daycare recently and told me that he needed to talk to me! He was outraged!!! I asked him what was wrong, and he tells me in this super serious voice that “Girly kissed me mommy. She kissed me right there!!!” {pointing to his mouth} And then she told me that we were married! I, being the wonderful parent that I am, did not laugh! Told him that I wasn’t sure he could be married without my permission. He gave me this LOOK…”Mommy, I’m not married to Girly. She broke up with me on the slide because I told her that she can’t kiss me anymore. I only kiss you.”

What in the world are kids these days doing?!?!? Oh my!!!! I am seriously considering locking him in his bedroom until he is 40……….any objections?

Now the sad…Friday was the 2 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life! June 4th 2008 my 2 best friends died in a car accident. I am proud to announce that I held it all together during work, by flipping that switch and losing myself in my job for most of the day and forgetting the date and then messing around with friends. I found comfort in forgetting, is that wrong? It was not until later that night that I lost it…oh how my heart aches to hear those two bicker. How I would love for them to take control of my life just one more time. How I would love to hear them arguing about the Stanley Cup finals or the upcoming World Cup…so many things that I miss, but mostly I just miss their voices telling me that I am okay.

These 2 were extraordinary men! They were both so full of life, passion, laughter and positivity!!! So, I am going to end this with a few positive things out of a book that meant a lot to us…the first being “Don’t wait for the funeral to forgive or to say how you feel.” The three of us knew exactly how we felt about each other. We knew how deeply loved we were, even when we argued it was one of our unwritten rules to never forget our friendship was never ending. Always, always there was love, respect and kindness. I told you that they passed away in a car accident, they were found with their hands entwined. I personally do not know if one went before the other, all I know is that they both died at the scene of the accident. I think they would have wanted to go together…they walked most of their lives together and I was lucky enough to share in a part of that.

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world”

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!

Fairy Tale

(originally posted Wednesday 3/10/2010)

I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.

When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.

I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.

I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.

I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.

Always...

Always is a word that I don't use very often. That word has meaning to me, I take it very seriously. That word didn't even make it into my wedding vows. When I got married we were given the choice to have the traditional vows, to choose from 7 variations that others have written, or to write our own. I choose to write our own because I was fearful of what were to happen in the future and I didn't want to make promises to someone that I couldn't keep...it is bad enough the marriage is kaput in the eyes of God. I pulled out the wedding vows - 'I take you A/K to be my husband/wife, and I promise you I will be faithful and honest; I will respect, trust and care for you; I will share my life with you and I will forgive you through the best and worst of what is to come until death parts us.' - I have done all of those things even continuing to share my life with him because he is the father of my child and I am still friendly with him. Some could say, well technically you were still married when you and R got together so you were unfaithful...I wasn't living with A - he was actually living with his girlfriend. Our marriage was over, we were just trying to get the money together for the divorce and trying to get everything sorted out so all that needed to be stated was child support/custody. So my faithfulness is a technicality call. I could have put always in those vows, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.

I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.

So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.

I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.

Notch on R's Belt

There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!

We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.

October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?

Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.

There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!

I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.