Bloggie Neglect

I have been neglectful...to this blog and as a blog reader. I have not been reading because of my schedule....I have not been posting because the words are just stuck. I have things to say, but they are stalled somewhere between my brain and my fingertips........so, I guess I'm just leaving it alone until the words decide to poor out.

So...for those of you that are stuck up north wondering what is going on with the weather, snow in April - or frankly down south, because I heard that spring passed you by too.......

INSTALLING SPRING...
███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE.
Install delayed....please wait.
Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be located. The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable. Please try again.

Apparently, that whole conversation with Mother Nature I had....well, she got the message about the storms. She seems to have forgotten to bring springtime to some parts of the world.....too busy trying to appease me. Sorry about that. ;)

Musicology

Music means a lot to me. Reading allows me to hide behind a story. Writing allows me to purge those things that are inside myself and find a sense of relief. But music, it lifts me up. It touches me and it makes me feel emotions that are actually healthy....novel I know. When I am having a case of the blahs (yeah I know ya all thought that name up there meant talk, talk, talk - I guess sorta, but it more points to the blahs hit me 3 times harder than I would like) I look into my CD collection for something uplifting. Sometimes its hip hop, sometimes pop...but most of the time I will pull out Josh Groban. I know, that stuns ya doesn't it??? I can hear your thoughts...has anyone told this chic to look at the Mariah or all the flippin Eminem on this blog?!?!?! But seriously, Josh Groban's voice punches ya right in the heart and holds it. Sometimes it makes you smile and sometimes the emotions overwhelm a girl. I was listening to his new CD on the plane ride home and with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Post from the other day, a 2 year old asserting her point of view, my case of whiney this week this song hit me.





And then....I heard a song for the first time that blew me away. I had tears in my eyes. Not from being sad....but from I don't know how to describe all the emotions that this song brings out. It is called War At Home. It is so not what I expected.......we all have our battles: illness, fertility, psychological disorder, friends/family away at war, storm damage and so many others big and small that we or someone in our family deal with (which means we get to deal with it). We all fight our wars at home, and it doesn't matter if we get knocked down we dust ourselves off and fight another day. My favorite line in this song is, "Through the void of silence you are not alone. You see these hands they're a million strong, they are yours now. Hold on love we're all going down."




So, my bloggie friends...my hands may be bruised from my war at home but I am here for ya if you need anything!!!!!

The worlds an amazing place...

I visit a "photoblog" site almost everyday, and every single day I am continually amazed by the beautiful things that this world has to offer! Today, Trey Ratcliff, the photographer of the website offered up an amazing picture of one of the waterfalls in Yellowstone. Once again, I could stare at the picture and will myself to that place. I discovered this website months ago when I was pretty deep into a funk, or as some may say an episode of depression - such downers! I was going through the site and came across the coolest pix of iceland...so jealous of Mr. Ratcliff! But, now I live vicariously through him and his pictures. In a few weeks it will be London according to the blog...how cool.

But, I was looking through his NYC shots tonight because I am headed there in a few weeks and Julie has posted some pictures of her recent trip. (there is a picture of FAO Schwartz that reminds me of a story J told on her blog). The City looks gorgeous through both of their camera lenses...why do I get the feeling that I am going to get back and look at those pictures once again and say 'i saw none of that'.

Anonymity....nah

When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.

As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:

• I am a human being
• I have a right to my feelings
• I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
  
• The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs

My adult life has been hard, but through every hardship comes growth and a life lesson.

Strong Language Advisory...sorry

Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.

You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.

I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!