The Battle has been Selected

I just wanted to follow up on the whole hate thing. This past week was filled with tears and reflection.....I have to allow hate into my being...

Yep, I am acknowledging it as a valid emotion. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. But, as much as I would like to bury it in the dark recesses of myself, or run and hide from it I just don't think that would be healthy.

I am looking at it like a germy disease. When ya catch something the red/white blood cells come out and do battle until that germy nasty is gone and ya are back to yourself. Well, maybe emotions will work the same way. Maybe the Strength/Love that I have inside of me will go to war with this gross ole hate-bug and push it out of me until it is no more.

Forgiveness comes from a place of love. If you are not feeling love in your heart, there is no way to find forgiveness for the things that have taken place. There is a whole lotta forgiving that is still left to do and I am obviously not in a loving place.

Love always wins over hate: it is a truth that I know. I have a fair share of love floating around inside of me, so the battle inside may be epic but everything will work out.

Pour Your Heart Out: Mommy-Guilt

Courtesy of Shell


Mommy-guilt. I have an acute case of guilt, the mommy kind. I have the best son ever (no bias here)...I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this kid more than anything, but...

my miracle

There are times when my 7 year-old acts more like an adult than I want. I do not want him to grow up too soon, but he is and it's my fault. There are days when I cannot get out of bed because it is just too much work. Doodles knows how to make himself a PB&J or a hot dog in the microwave. There are days when my head hurts so much that moving is not an option. Doodles can get my heat pack warmed up and a wash cloth for my head. There are days when all I can do is cry. Doodles takes care of me.

That is not the way this relationship is supposed to work - I'm the parent. I should be taking care of him, getting his lunch, making sure he plays. He should never have to take care of me. Doodles should be able to be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

no, he was not taking care of me here, 2 and my lil helper, but it feels like this is what I make him do for me.

There are times when my 7 year-old talks to himself. In school, at home, on the playground...talking/singing to himself is how he regulates his emotions. If he is too tired, too stimulated, too nervous, too anxious that talking just gets louder. People are going to look at him like he is insane...but he isn't, he is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. I don't know what to do; as he gets older I don't know how to explain that others do not understand.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - he's supposed to be carefree. I cannot help but have a huge amount of guilt. Did I do this to him by pushing this divorce forward? Do I do this to him by being the way I am? Would he be more well adjusted if he didn't have so many changes in the last year and half? Do I travel too much? Doodles should be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

yep, takes pictures of himself

There are times when my 7 year-old is just that, a loud, rambunctious, crazy kid. And, I lose my temper. I yell, and that harms my Doodles. He is so sensitive and he has issues with his hearing sensors, and I yell. I hate that about myself.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - I'm the mommy. I should have patience and understanding for my baby boy. I cannot stand to lose it with him; he is just being a kid. That wonderful, beautiful little boy that I want him to be.


I have so much mommy-guilt and it eats away at me. Doodles and I are so close. I want so much for him!!! Mostly, I just want him to be happy because I love that kid! He wants to go to a hockey game...I need to stop making excuses and take him.


"I love you

And that's all I know"
lyrics from Five for Fighting All I know
from Chicken Little - scene between dad and Chicken Little...



"There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you"
Miracle - Celine Dion

Growing up

I am going to miss this age, not mine but Doodles! I don't like growing up, when Doodles was little, especially a baby, I was impatient for him to get older, but right now at 6 he is perfectly imperfect with all his 6 year old boyishness that drives me crazy and that smile that gets him out of trouble. The way he says I love you for no apparent reason, hugs and kisses without embarrassment or second thought...and sometimes stops watching his cartoons runs to my room for no other reason than a kiss running away as soon as he gets it. Yep, 6 is perfect! He can stop growing up now. I cannot imagine liking 7 very much, 8 sounds suspicious to me, 10 doesn't give me the warm fuzzies, 16 fairly certain I won't like it one bit, 18 completely out of the question!!!!! I will demand a recount! {someone will have to point me back here when I am impatiently waiting for 18...lol}

Doodles did tell me a few weekends ago that I would never be a loser...I would never be a whackadoo...he would never think I am lame!!!! I told him I needed a recording of that conversation so I can play it back when he is older. :) Hmmmm, yes I will miss this age.

Passing GERMS

Driving home from school can be a dangerous situation at times. I need to tell my child to keep things like the following conversation for when we are sitting at home or the park...ya know somewhere where my eyes can bug out and I can stifle my laugh without killing us. Maybe a muzzle -- do they make muzzles for 6 year old boys????

Doodles "Daddy kisses Girlfriend"

Me "Yeah"

Doodles "Daddy Kisses Girlfriend ALOT!"

Me "mmmmmmm"

Doodles "Daddy tried to take a bite out of my Slim Jim."

Me "So???? Sharing is nice."

Doodles "THATS GROSS!!! Daddy kisses girlfriend, and that is PASSING GERMS."

Me "ummmm, what is I find a boy that I want to kiss?"

Doodles "That's ok."

Me "But, then I won't be able to share your stuff anymore. I might want to kiss a boy a lot."

Doodles "In that case I will just have to deal with the germs."

Me "oh, why? I wouldn't want you to do that."

Doodles "Mommy, I LOVE you. We share everything. We are always going to share even when you do kiss boys."

Ahhhh the horror and exasperation that filled that conversation was so funny!!!!

Understanding, or Lack Of

I often wonder why the world is such a cruel place. There is so much beauty to be enjoyed, but it is often overpowered by the unkindness that surrounds it. I don't understand lack of compassion, lack of understanding, and the level of caring that people have for others around them. I do not understand abuse, violence or cruelty. As someone who has lived through it, I still do not understand it...I honestly do not know if that is a good thing or not.

Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.

So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?

I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2

First Impression - WINNER ;)

My new job starts tomorrow and I feel like garbage...actually more like I got run over a few times and then dropped in a dumpster. Ahhhh, what a first impression I am going to make! Excuse me while I blow my nose and forgive the death warmed over look, I hear it is oh so sexy and the new black!!!! Luckily, the person I report to already knows how awesomely cool I really am. Is it bad form to fall asleep at your desk on your first day in a new position????

OOOOOOOO....but let me share how awesome Doodles is. We were in the car on Friday, I had a headache and I looked like crap I know it. We were waiting on his father to meet up with us and my baby boy, I mean my big kid, blurts out of the blue...you're beautiful. I looked at him surprised and was like what? And he tells me, mommy you are beautiful. You have pretty eyes and a pretty smile.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW....how sweet and cute is this kid?!?! I think I'll keep him.

(yes, he did think deep thoughts at 2)

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

The Funny and the Sad…

(originally posted Wednesday 6/9/2010)

First the funny…Doodles came home from daycare recently and told me that he needed to talk to me! He was outraged!!! I asked him what was wrong, and he tells me in this super serious voice that “Girly kissed me mommy. She kissed me right there!!!” {pointing to his mouth} And then she told me that we were married! I, being the wonderful parent that I am, did not laugh! Told him that I wasn’t sure he could be married without my permission. He gave me this LOOK…”Mommy, I’m not married to Girly. She broke up with me on the slide because I told her that she can’t kiss me anymore. I only kiss you.”

What in the world are kids these days doing?!?!? Oh my!!!! I am seriously considering locking him in his bedroom until he is 40……….any objections?

Now the sad…Friday was the 2 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life! June 4th 2008 my 2 best friends died in a car accident. I am proud to announce that I held it all together during work, by flipping that switch and losing myself in my job for most of the day and forgetting the date and then messing around with friends. I found comfort in forgetting, is that wrong? It was not until later that night that I lost it…oh how my heart aches to hear those two bicker. How I would love for them to take control of my life just one more time. How I would love to hear them arguing about the Stanley Cup finals or the upcoming World Cup…so many things that I miss, but mostly I just miss their voices telling me that I am okay.

These 2 were extraordinary men! They were both so full of life, passion, laughter and positivity!!! So, I am going to end this with a few positive things out of a book that meant a lot to us…the first being “Don’t wait for the funeral to forgive or to say how you feel.” The three of us knew exactly how we felt about each other. We knew how deeply loved we were, even when we argued it was one of our unwritten rules to never forget our friendship was never ending. Always, always there was love, respect and kindness. I told you that they passed away in a car accident, they were found with their hands entwined. I personally do not know if one went before the other, all I know is that they both died at the scene of the accident. I think they would have wanted to go together…they walked most of their lives together and I was lucky enough to share in a part of that.

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world”

Miracle Baby

(originally posted 4/18/2010)

It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...

In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!

I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!

November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.

The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!

Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)

Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.

Depression & My Reason to Live

(originally posted Friday 2/26/2010)

Sadness enters my soul and I have no idea what to do with it...I have no place to let it go except for inside of me. There used to be a block, it used to stop at a certain point and not seep into the very depths of me. I feel this so deeply even my bones grow weary from the weight of everything I feel. This does not stop at my heart, my gut...it travels throughout my body to the bottom of my feet, the tips of my fingers. Every part of me is heavy with this - every part of me hurts. My eyes fill with tears without any warning, I have to work so hard to get my lips to form even half a smile to appease others. I am lost; I do not now which way to go to find my way. Every time I turn and think I will find my way back into the sun, the smiles, the laughter it just gets darker, scarier, sadder. I am lost and do not know how or who to ask for directions...I'm scared and do not know what to do anymore. I have turned so many times no one will be able to find me nor will they want to. Will I forever lost in this swirling black mist that surrounds me threatening to take me under?

I have not allowed my depression to get the better of me because there are days when I get woken up with a flying tackle as I was this morning. There are other days when he comes into my room in the middle of the night, all warm and cuddles up next to me to tell me he had a bad dream and falls asleep before finishing his tale. I am the one he trusts, I am the one who slays his dragons - or he slays dragons for depending on the time of day, I shine the light when he is afraid. I know about being afraid and not having anyone there for me; I could never do that to my child. He knows mommy gets sad; but he will tell you that mommy always smiles for him. No matter how bad my life is; I have a gorgeous blue-eyed boy that looks up at me and makes it all worth it. The things he says, what he does...he is so funny - he is everything. And sometimes, Doodles runs into my room full-speed and tackles me when I am still asleep. It is the best way to enter a day...once I get my breath back that is.