"Who Says" -- for me so many......
I have had so many people tell me that I was nothing in their eyes. But really, Who are they to say that??? Are we not all created in God's image...was I not created by God in His image. Who are those people to tell God that He made something wrong?
Oh, the stupidity that I had to deal with yesterday was beyond all comprehension. I dealt with it like an adult, and then by going to those I know I can depend on to vent to. Yes, I said things in anger and frustration that I probably should not have, but I am not perfect and do not claim to be. All I can do is try my hardest to act in a Godly manner and when I fail, take those failures to God and ask for His help and forgiveness.
Anyway, it is really nice when one of the Disney/Nick girls puts out a really positive message like this song! "Who says your not perfect? Who says your not beautiful?....I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me!"
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Actions Speak...
"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.
Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.
We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.
Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.
Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.
We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.
Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Understanding, or Lack Of
I often wonder why the world is such a cruel place. There is so much beauty to be enjoyed, but it is often overpowered by the unkindness that surrounds it. I don't understand lack of compassion, lack of understanding, and the level of caring that people have for others around them. I do not understand abuse, violence or cruelty. As someone who has lived through it, I still do not understand it...I honestly do not know if that is a good thing or not.
Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.
So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?
I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.
Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.
So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?
I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Storms...
It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.
So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.
When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).
Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.
Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.
edited 10/2
So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.
When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).
Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.
Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.
edited 10/2
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Wish
Have you ever wished for something so badly? I do…it is such a ridiculous wish, but it is something that I want so badly. I wish I could have a conversation with him. A real one, one of those conversations where everything was truthful…where we were both completely honest and forthcoming. No matter how badly the words hurt, I wish I could talk to him. I want to know why. Why me? What is it about me? Why did he treat me that way? I just want to understand. I thought he cared, so why????
See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.
It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.
See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.
It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Anonymity....nah
When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.
As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:
As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:
- I am a human being
- I have a right to my feelings
- I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
- The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Irreparable Damage...
There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.
I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)
I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!
For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!
I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)
I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!
For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Fairy Tale
(originally posted Wednesday 3/10/2010)
I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.
When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.
I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.
I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.
I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.
I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.
When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.
I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.
I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.
I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Worthless
Worthless unless I am being abused...he tried to say he never said that. I will grant him this, those exact words did not come out of his mouth, but that is the interpretation of the words not just by me but validated by a professional. That professional did not want to validate the word worthless, tried to think of a different spin, but at the end of the day agreed that the words spoken did seem to imply that there was no place in life for me unless I was being abused.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.
Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Always...
Always is a word that I don't use very often. That word has meaning to me, I take it very seriously. That word didn't even make it into my wedding vows. When I got married we were given the choice to have the traditional vows, to choose from 7 variations that others have written, or to write our own. I choose to write our own because I was fearful of what were to happen in the future and I didn't want to make promises to someone that I couldn't keep...it is bad enough the marriage is kaput in the eyes of God. I pulled out the wedding vows - 'I take you A/K to be my husband/wife, and I promise you I will be faithful and honest; I will respect, trust and care for you; I will share my life with you and I will forgive you through the best and worst of what is to come until death parts us.' - I have done all of those things even continuing to share my life with him because he is the father of my child and I am still friendly with him. Some could say, well technically you were still married when you and R got together so you were unfaithful...I wasn't living with A - he was actually living with his girlfriend. Our marriage was over, we were just trying to get the money together for the divorce and trying to get everything sorted out so all that needed to be stated was child support/custody. So my faithfulness is a technicality call. I could have put always in those vows, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.
I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.
So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.
I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.
I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.
So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.
I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Notch on R's Belt
There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!
We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.
October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?
Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.
There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!
I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.
We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.
October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?
Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.
There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!
I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.
Monday, February 8, 2010
20/20 Hindsight
Proverbs 9:7-8
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”
The last five years of my life takes these verses and proves them in a way that I truly never thought that my friendship with R would or could due to the subject matter. In the beginning I was very guarded! I listened to his story without sharing a lot of mine. He didn’t even know I was married until mid-2007. As time went by he very gently got me to open up more to him; “you can trust me, k”…apparently not, oh that 20/20 hindsight!
Our friendship was one where we could be honest with each other. If there was something amiss, the other would point it out. No matter the issue we could depend on each other to be honest to the point of brutally honest. There were very few lines between us; at least until she entered the picture, then not only did I make a line I built a wall! I met her and could not stand her!!! He asked me what I thought and I murmured a noncommittal reply. My first (second and third) impression of her was that she is heinous, self-righteous and a completely horrid human being. He was going to have to figure that one out on his own; seriously, people have to be free to make mistakes and learn from them. I was at the wedding reception and the best man was giving the toast, my focus was on her and she looked at some guy, smirked and held up her ring finger as if to say ‘married, nothing he can do about it now’. It gave off a very bad vibe! When I went to say goodbye, she gave off the same weird vibe. And now, he is in a marriage that makes him miserable and I am sorry for it, but even if I would have told him that I didn’t like her the odds are it would have torn us apart and he would still be in that marriage! Of course using that 20/20 hindsight maybe, just maybe us being torn apart would have been a great thing…
Over the years, there has been a lot of teasing between us. There has been a lot of correction and slight admonishments between the two of us – not because he started as my boss…seriously as a manager he is lacking in that ability…we did correct each other when we did something wrong. If it was something that was serious there was scolding. But, he was one of the good guys, or so I thought. Kind, considerate, loving, gentle, positive…those are the qualities that I adore in him. Does he have “flaws” (I hate that people deem others to be flawed…those flaws are what makes a person an individual and are to be accepted as much if not more that the good qualities that make us love a person), yes R is “flawed”…horrible tunnel vision, self-absorbed, vain, he must have a façade of perfection, easily influenced, he gives up when things look hard, he settles rather than fighting for what he believes in or for what he should have. There are other things about him both good and bad that I have discovered by not being afraid to look under the surface.
This past summer I was teasing him that if anything happened I was picking his next woman! I have better taste than he does. He replied to me that if it were up to me that I would not have let him marry either his first wife or his second. I had to correct him that I did indeed allow his marriage because he had to learn that lesson for himself, I just wish he would hurry up and learn it! This wife is very much like his first wife, and his marriage is following along the same course because he refuses to learn that outer beauty does not always equate to inner beauty. He is dissatisfied with his marriage because there is no love there; as is evidence by her telling him very plainly that she did not love him then, now and never will. I tried to tell him a few times that I don’t believe it is T that he was in love with, it is what she portrays – the pretty blonde wife to complete the picture that he believes he must show to the world. I informed him before the two of us blew up that I believe now he is not in love with her, he feels indebted to her for what she does for his children. Gratitude is a great feeling, but it is not a feeling to base a marriage on! At the end of all of it he will settle because it is too hard to start over unless she ends this marriage…his words to me in December as I was calming him down and telling him that he did not want to kill himself and we started talking about his home life – what am I to do with the Catholic Church becoming more strict on divorce.
Oh yes, we mocked and rebuked each other…one of us became the abuser and one the abused. Was it because of this that that happened? I don’t know. I know that it started in December 2008. It started subtly, with an email filled with angst, confusion, emotions that were too much for him to handle. Too hard for him to handle! I thought that email was it; I thought he was going to do the goodbye right then but instead he started the yo-yo. For anyone who has been on the receiving end of psychological abuse who knows about withholding, you know all about the yo-yo. I need you, please come to me…wait no I can’t handle it, I can’t talk to you right now…I adore you and you give me strength to get through the hard times…I need space to deal with my issues myself…Oh that yo-yo where you don’t know if you are coming or going! The one that destroys self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust and so much more…I dealt with that particular yo-yo for 2.5 months. Then I got another round of it plus emotional blackmail and a little verbal abuse the following summer for 6 months…yes, I am stupid for allowing him back in. I trusted him with things about me that only 2 others knew, well because he said I could of course!!!! One situation he could have been a man and he refused, same situation my friend could have stepped up but didn’t, yet again same issue the Catholic (yeah the one who is so concerned about divorce) could have stepped in but was silent. He betrayed me in ways I never thought he would! Misrepresentation – he said he never lied – sure, the Order of Protection just happened I believe it – so we will play the verbiage game…abusing me – ya know if it would have been physical I could have handled it but he went for the part of me that matters! The part of me that should have meant something if our friendship ever meant something to him…I told him that if he ever wanted to abuse me to make it physical – the body heals and you can shut off the part that really, truly matters!!!
I guess he said it all in what should have been our last phone call, but wasn’t, when he told me that he hated me. He could have saved both of us so much time and frustration by not having to prove he is “the man”. He really didn’t need that notch on his belt, it’s not like he can even brag about it because it ruins his perfect façade. Oh well, lesson learned for me I guess. I dislike that this lesson took so much out of me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – isn’t that the saying?
"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”
The last five years of my life takes these verses and proves them in a way that I truly never thought that my friendship with R would or could due to the subject matter. In the beginning I was very guarded! I listened to his story without sharing a lot of mine. He didn’t even know I was married until mid-2007. As time went by he very gently got me to open up more to him; “you can trust me, k”…apparently not, oh that 20/20 hindsight!
Our friendship was one where we could be honest with each other. If there was something amiss, the other would point it out. No matter the issue we could depend on each other to be honest to the point of brutally honest. There were very few lines between us; at least until she entered the picture, then not only did I make a line I built a wall! I met her and could not stand her!!! He asked me what I thought and I murmured a noncommittal reply. My first (second and third) impression of her was that she is heinous, self-righteous and a completely horrid human being. He was going to have to figure that one out on his own; seriously, people have to be free to make mistakes and learn from them. I was at the wedding reception and the best man was giving the toast, my focus was on her and she looked at some guy, smirked and held up her ring finger as if to say ‘married, nothing he can do about it now’. It gave off a very bad vibe! When I went to say goodbye, she gave off the same weird vibe. And now, he is in a marriage that makes him miserable and I am sorry for it, but even if I would have told him that I didn’t like her the odds are it would have torn us apart and he would still be in that marriage! Of course using that 20/20 hindsight maybe, just maybe us being torn apart would have been a great thing…
Over the years, there has been a lot of teasing between us. There has been a lot of correction and slight admonishments between the two of us – not because he started as my boss…seriously as a manager he is lacking in that ability…we did correct each other when we did something wrong. If it was something that was serious there was scolding. But, he was one of the good guys, or so I thought. Kind, considerate, loving, gentle, positive…those are the qualities that I adore in him. Does he have “flaws” (I hate that people deem others to be flawed…those flaws are what makes a person an individual and are to be accepted as much if not more that the good qualities that make us love a person), yes R is “flawed”…horrible tunnel vision, self-absorbed, vain, he must have a façade of perfection, easily influenced, he gives up when things look hard, he settles rather than fighting for what he believes in or for what he should have. There are other things about him both good and bad that I have discovered by not being afraid to look under the surface.
This past summer I was teasing him that if anything happened I was picking his next woman! I have better taste than he does. He replied to me that if it were up to me that I would not have let him marry either his first wife or his second. I had to correct him that I did indeed allow his marriage because he had to learn that lesson for himself, I just wish he would hurry up and learn it! This wife is very much like his first wife, and his marriage is following along the same course because he refuses to learn that outer beauty does not always equate to inner beauty. He is dissatisfied with his marriage because there is no love there; as is evidence by her telling him very plainly that she did not love him then, now and never will. I tried to tell him a few times that I don’t believe it is T that he was in love with, it is what she portrays – the pretty blonde wife to complete the picture that he believes he must show to the world. I informed him before the two of us blew up that I believe now he is not in love with her, he feels indebted to her for what she does for his children. Gratitude is a great feeling, but it is not a feeling to base a marriage on! At the end of all of it he will settle because it is too hard to start over unless she ends this marriage…his words to me in December as I was calming him down and telling him that he did not want to kill himself and we started talking about his home life – what am I to do with the Catholic Church becoming more strict on divorce.
Oh yes, we mocked and rebuked each other…one of us became the abuser and one the abused. Was it because of this that that happened? I don’t know. I know that it started in December 2008. It started subtly, with an email filled with angst, confusion, emotions that were too much for him to handle. Too hard for him to handle! I thought that email was it; I thought he was going to do the goodbye right then but instead he started the yo-yo. For anyone who has been on the receiving end of psychological abuse who knows about withholding, you know all about the yo-yo. I need you, please come to me…wait no I can’t handle it, I can’t talk to you right now…I adore you and you give me strength to get through the hard times…I need space to deal with my issues myself…Oh that yo-yo where you don’t know if you are coming or going! The one that destroys self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust and so much more…I dealt with that particular yo-yo for 2.5 months. Then I got another round of it plus emotional blackmail and a little verbal abuse the following summer for 6 months…yes, I am stupid for allowing him back in. I trusted him with things about me that only 2 others knew, well because he said I could of course!!!! One situation he could have been a man and he refused, same situation my friend could have stepped up but didn’t, yet again same issue the Catholic (yeah the one who is so concerned about divorce) could have stepped in but was silent. He betrayed me in ways I never thought he would! Misrepresentation – he said he never lied – sure, the Order of Protection just happened I believe it – so we will play the verbiage game…abusing me – ya know if it would have been physical I could have handled it but he went for the part of me that matters! The part of me that should have meant something if our friendship ever meant something to him…I told him that if he ever wanted to abuse me to make it physical – the body heals and you can shut off the part that really, truly matters!!!
I guess he said it all in what should have been our last phone call, but wasn’t, when he told me that he hated me. He could have saved both of us so much time and frustration by not having to prove he is “the man”. He really didn’t need that notch on his belt, it’s not like he can even brag about it because it ruins his perfect façade. Oh well, lesson learned for me I guess. I dislike that this lesson took so much out of me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – isn’t that the saying?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friend...maybe not
What is a friend and how much should one expect from a friend? Maybe I expect or want too much out of the few people that I call friend...maybe I expect too much out of myself. I give to not only to show that I care, but it makes me feel better when I give a gift that one gets joy from. I expect nothing in return but loyalty and that they be there if/when I need them. I think for the most part I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to friendship.
Our relationship started out as manager/employee...we became friends when he had the nerve to venture into my work area. I made a flippant comment about management not being allowed to enter into my area and much to my surprise his response was as sarcastic as my comment to him. It was the first time that I really looked at him and saw him as a person who was worth getting to know. He was funny, sarcastic, kind, and he had such a positive soul. Our friendship grew slowly, he had an innate understanding of my need to keep things inside of myself until I was ready to talk. He was so patient with me, never pushy! He opened up to me unlike anyone he has ever opened up to before. Our relationship grew and it flourished until it crossed over into intimacy.
We have always had a flirtatious way about us. The two of us will flirt with anyone; from the youngest to the oldest, the cutest to the not so cute...we are the equal opportunity flirt squad. In December 2007, the flirtation between the two of us went from verbal to physical; but, we put boundaries in place. The problem with those boundaries is that we pushed them as far as we could and still say that we were well within them. On January 17, 2008 all of those boundaries were erased as our libidos took over. That was supposed to be a one time thing! An oops... Right after it happened, we were awkward with each other at first but the elephant soon left the room. Our friendship took precedence over a one time lack of judgment.
Until...his marriage (did I not tell you, hmmm sorry) hit some major rocks! I had quit the position I had with the company he works for in April. In May we were talking on the phone as he asked me to have an affair with him. I was hesitant to say the very least, I am not that girl! That one time made me feel horrible guilty, but I forgave myself and I know that God forgave my lack of judgment....now he was asking me to knowingly enter into an affair. We talked about it many times, I heard about how his marriage was over and how he was feeling about that. He told me how happy it would make him to be with me. My response was that we would see about us if his marriage ended....guess what, that is not what happened! We entered into an affair and it went on (and off) until October 2009.
Our relationship started out as manager/employee...we became friends when he had the nerve to venture into my work area. I made a flippant comment about management not being allowed to enter into my area and much to my surprise his response was as sarcastic as my comment to him. It was the first time that I really looked at him and saw him as a person who was worth getting to know. He was funny, sarcastic, kind, and he had such a positive soul. Our friendship grew slowly, he had an innate understanding of my need to keep things inside of myself until I was ready to talk. He was so patient with me, never pushy! He opened up to me unlike anyone he has ever opened up to before. Our relationship grew and it flourished until it crossed over into intimacy.
We have always had a flirtatious way about us. The two of us will flirt with anyone; from the youngest to the oldest, the cutest to the not so cute...we are the equal opportunity flirt squad. In December 2007, the flirtation between the two of us went from verbal to physical; but, we put boundaries in place. The problem with those boundaries is that we pushed them as far as we could and still say that we were well within them. On January 17, 2008 all of those boundaries were erased as our libidos took over. That was supposed to be a one time thing! An oops... Right after it happened, we were awkward with each other at first but the elephant soon left the room. Our friendship took precedence over a one time lack of judgment.
Until...his marriage (did I not tell you, hmmm sorry) hit some major rocks! I had quit the position I had with the company he works for in April. In May we were talking on the phone as he asked me to have an affair with him. I was hesitant to say the very least, I am not that girl! That one time made me feel horrible guilty, but I forgave myself and I know that God forgave my lack of judgment....now he was asking me to knowingly enter into an affair. We talked about it many times, I heard about how his marriage was over and how he was feeling about that. He told me how happy it would make him to be with me. My response was that we would see about us if his marriage ended....guess what, that is not what happened! We entered into an affair and it went on (and off) until October 2009.
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