Memorial

So, I have been thinking about it and I think that I have decided on a way to deal with that grief that B says I am not facing, while giving something to my community. A tree memorial...I will donate a tree to the park department in memory of love, joy, dreams that ended before they began. A living thing that will reach full bloom. I think a flowering tree would be appropriate. Something pretty, something special. Something I can go past and know is there because I loved.

Plateau of who the hell cares

Insomnia...when I do get to sleep, nightmares...to get to sleep peacefully I have been using my Flexril (TM) in not so appropriate ways - not inappropriate, but not totally within the confines of the way I am supposed to.

Therapy was a little bit rough today. We talked about my sleep habits. B asked me about the nightmares, or rather the one recurring nightmare........

I am sitting outside on the grass. I am not sure where exactly I am but it feels familiar. I look up and Rob is walking towards me with a baby in his arms. I look at the baby, she is so vividly beautiful!

I try to get up - I say "That's my baby"

He responds, "she's our baby"

"Give her to me!"

Rob pushes me, and he throws the baby in the trash can behind him. I try to get up again to get to the baby. He says "you are so worthless." And he slaps me across the face....

B asked me what stands out the most to me. How small I am in the dream, that I couldn't get the baby, and that Rob was in control of the entire situation. It doesn't take a professional to understand the deep-rooted guilt and regret that is behind that dream. I think even I can see how much I hate the fact that I let him control me, especially in that situation.....yeah, I am sure there is more but I can't analyze it - not now...especially not now! I thought this dream was a thing of the past, one that I only had on rare occasions......more fool I!

We also talked about safety and medications. It's a really rough time right now for me. B tried to gauge how I would feel about maybe approaching my doctor about going on some stronger anti-depressants. I am not against them, it is just last time they interfered with my migraine medications so bad. I told her that I was open to it if I could not "shake it off" (can I tell you how much I detest that phrase but yeah I used it) in a nominal time frame.

Safety - B is very worried right now.......how bad is it when your therapist talks for the last 15 minutes of your appointment about suicide and trying to make sure that you know you can call her. And trying to make sure that you know when the time is to call someone. Oh yeah, I am in a bad place right now, but like I told her I am not to the point that the suicidal thoughts take over.

Valley of tears -- check, been through that valley
Plateau of who the hell cares -- that is where I am at right now
Gorge of darkness -- no, not there yet.....I am hoping that I am not making that stop this go around. Tomorrow may be filled with sunshine and laughter instead of darkness and hopelessness.

We had a very frank discussion about suicide. I told her very bluntly that I am afraid because I do care about my life again. When I first started seeing her, I didn't care one way or another if I lived or died. Because I didn't care, suicide seemed like too big of an effort. Might as well live because I just do not care. I firmly believe that people who commit suicide care a great deal. One must care a great deal about something in order to make an effort. Suicide takes a great deal of effort - overcoming that fear, taking the steps to end your own life - yeah it is a lot of work. A person will not do that if he/she did not care.

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

The Babies

February 2008...I started cramping and I knew exactly what was happening even as I was denying the fact he could have gotten me pregnant. In the morning I called the doctor to tell her that I had a miscarriage overnight. I informed her that there was still slight cramping and some spotting, but I was sure I had lost the baby. An appointment was set up to check and a DNC if necessary.

Upon arrival I was given paperwork to go to the lab for blood work. Once the blood was drawn I was told to go back to the doctor's office and wait. After what seems like an eternity, the doctor walked into the room. I knew by the look on her face she had something to say; she tells me that we have to go over to the main hospital for an early term ultrasound. I remember giving her the strangest look before saying in my most loving, sarcastic tone, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but a miscarriage means no more early term."

Dr, "you are still pregnant. Let's go."
Me, shocked and confused but not giving up, "I know what a miscarriage is and I had one!"
Dr, in that annoyingly soothing tone that they get, "We'll find out with the ultrasound."

On the drive over to the hospital I was afraid of what would be found. I had come to terms with losing a baby I didn't know existed. What was I going to do if I was indeed still pregnant? There was an apprehension, but I quickly decided that I would do whatever I needed to do in order to have a healthy, happy child! I got to where I needed to be and changed into that oh so sexy medical gown. The specialist walked into the room with my doctor. Here is more or less the conversation...

Me "Wow, where is my tech?"
Him "Not today. You get me and your doctor, lucky lady."
Me snort "Oh yeah, aren't I the special one?"
Him "Guess so. Please insert this..." {for those of you who have never experienced an early term ultrasound...a wand is inserted much like a tampon. Oh yes, it is a joyful experience}
Me "Well, at least ya used a condom! Not that I need one, right?"
Him laughing "smart ass"
Me "I don't use them, not supposed to be able to get pregnant"
Him "I think someone lied"
Me "I shouldn't be here. I had a miscarriage. If there is a baby in there, I slept with superman."
Him, after looking around for a minute or two "well ms lane, I hope you and superman are happy together."
Dr "I can make out the scarring from the recent trauma"
Him "There is a small amount of the secondary sac remaining"
Dr "I believe removing it would be detrimental to the remaining fetus"
Him "I agree. The placenta does not appear to be well placed or attached."
Me, almost at the point of tears, "I'm still here! Are you telling me that I have a child inside of me?"
Baby is pointed out to me...Dr "k, we have to start progesterone right away. Your test came back dangerously low for this stage of pregnancy."
Me "ok" {major freak out in 10...9...8...7...}
Dr "So, are you happy to be dating superman?"
Me "Oh we are not dating, I just slipped in his fortress once."

That was the first day of the start of major heartbreak! I did everything I could to save that child. I lost it 2 1/2 weeks later. I was not feeling well but I went to my second job anyway, I had an obligation. I started cramping but could not say anything for fear that someone may figure out what was going on and may guess at the identity of the father; so I stayed. One of the supervisors had frightened me earlier that evening so instead of leaving right after I was done for the night I stayed until I was sure everyone was gone. I finally left and went to the hospital, but I think I was already too late.

Once I was at the Woman's Evaluation Unit they hooked up the monitors. The baby's heartbeat filled my room. It was a relief to hear it beating strongly. They tried to stop the contractions, at least until the heart stopped beating. There is nothing louder than utter silence where once the absolute glorious sound of a heartbeat was once heard. The look of sympathy on those nurses' faces...I don't know how to describe the complete and total heartache I felt from losing those two babies. It took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding. Going through it alone was so hard, but I got through. On the one year anniversary I broke down; if it were not for the child I was carrying there is no way I would have survived.

March 2009...this second pregnancy was in a way easier to accept, but the end was so much harder to deal with. I accepted the fact that R could get me pregnant, so as soon as I had the slightest notion that I may be I immediately called the doctor. I was having health issues at the time so I was constantly in the doctor's office. What is one more blood test?!?!? I don't know how or why, but once that test came back positive everything with my brain and my heart issues changed. My main focus shifted to being positive, happy and having a viable pregnancy.

Health wise, mid to late December went pretty well. I received fantastic news from the neuro, no brain surgery required! The pregnancy was progressing well. Overall I was pretty happy at the time; at least until R decided to throw an emotional curveball at me. For the baby's sake I tried to put it aside and focus on staying positive.

January got a little rockier. I almost lost the baby twice in the first two weeks. The doctor started to worry which in turn made me worry. My upbeat mood was quickly turning and my rock, R, was not around for me to talk to about anything happening in my life because he needed space. Work had gotten crazy and A had decided to become even more unhelpful than normal. In late January my blood work came back with some abnormalities. I almost lost the baby again and was told the next time they were just going to have to let it go. The placenta had a slight tear and I was bleeding internally. It appeared as if my body was fighting itself. I was so tired. Not the normal pregnant tired; serious illness tired. It was a chore to do anything, but I forced it of myself. There was a thought that the baby's blood type was not compatible with mine.

In February I called R to find out his blood type. He wanted to know why, so I had to confess to him that I was carrying his child. That and the follow-up conversation were the hardest, worst conversations I had ever had with him until recently.

March came and I went into the hospital not wanting to end the pregnancy. Not an abortion according to the doctors, medically assisted miscarriage. This procedure was necessary for survival. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever done! Giving birth, having this miscarriage broke my spirit. Two arms, two legs, fully formed but oh so little at 5 3/4", 7.8 oz...I could tell she would have been beautiful given even half the chance to grow, to blossom. She was already starting to be one of those pretty babies even at that early stage, it was amazing! Who is so important that they should deem me any more important that she was? The fact that I took that precious little things life haunts me like nothing anyone can imagine. Upon my release from the hospital, I went home completely demoralized where I took a shower and cried for hours. The following Monday I got up and tried to act as if nothing in my life had changed even though everything had.

February 2010...my heart aches! I don't know that anyone could understand fully unless that went through it. It does not seem fair that so much pain happened in such a relatively short time frame. These anniversaries are only one year apart and separated by only 3 weeks. I have put one in the proper perspective and whereas it still hurts and I am not sure when the sadness I feel when I think of it will diminish I know I can take a deep breath and work past it; the other threatens to overcome me. Somehow I am supposed to pretend my world is ok.

Notch on R's Belt

There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!

We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.

October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?

Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.

There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!

I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.