Promises to myself

I feel as if I am starting a whole new life, not by choice but by circumstances. It is unfair to blame those circumstances solely at A's feet...I know I have been because it has been a little easier but the majority of this new chapter lays squarely in another direction. I know that A's girlfriend has been "hinting around" so I would have gotten the divorce papers sooner or later. But, the pages of my life story started to turn in a flurry and now I have come to a point where everything is changing.

I am leaving a job that I love that I have had for over 5 years. The people here have been like my family. But, I am moving on and will look at this as a positive step forward. It really is a great opportunity to prove myself once again. The only downfall is the travel...it's not something I want to do, but I will and I will be the best like I always am.

I am leaving an apartment that I love living in. It is fairly cheap, I have great neighbors, a church I love and a support group in my friends that are second to none. But, I will leave it behind and look forward. Doodles will start a new school and we will be fine. I will make it work like I always do.

BUT, this new chapter...or maybe whole new book I am making a promise to myself. I will not hide my feelings anymore for the "good of others". I will not harm myself so that the people around me can be ok while I slowly die inside. I will not be unfair to myself any longer.

edited 10/2

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2

School Daze

I HATE SHOPPING!

OK, I feel much better now. I purchased all of the school supplies that were not already in the cupboard...next year I will hate myself for not getting extra, but I was in and out of that store in 15 minutes! Yes, straight to the "back to school" area then back to stationary supplies because hello index cards for a 1st grader??? AND, someone want to explain the 12 glue sticks...not just glue sticks but WHITE! Elmer's I hate you! All of the Elmer's glue sticks are the disappearing purple so I had to head back to stationary to buy Rose Art (or whatever) which were like a $1 more expensive....wait did I just complain about a dollar???? Whatever, I had to buy 3 pkgs so that is like $3, which means the cost of a happy meal.......if I have to bust out and cook at home, I swear LOL

School clothes...not purchased. He doesn't have uniforms this year, so I am hoping that he can just hang on for the first month or 2 and then we can go get some new clothes. (I would really like him to hang on till Christmas and let Santa take care of it, but prob won't happen...hehehe)

Today

Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.

Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!

Fruit...or is it

Do you remember when blackberries were fruit that grew on bushes? If you lived near the country you could find a bush, pick them and eat em till you got sick...yeah!!! Good times! My grandmother had blackberry bushes...I preferred the raspberries, but I picked the blackberries for her too.

These days, when someone asks about a blackberry the first thing you think of???? BE HONEST!!!!


Yep, me too. I am currently in possession of 2, count them TWO...yes, my job is trying to kill me but it will take more that electronics to do it LOL They cannot win!!!! One more week... :)

First Day...

I would post a great big long story about my day and the excitement of the new position...but my friends, first and foremost my job's not that exciting; second, I am soooooooo tired {why yes, I am whining}; third, there is so much crammed into my lil, itty-bitty brain that it will explode if I try to suck any knowledge out of it at this time; and lastly I couldn't even if I wanted to get into it.

So, let me just state the obvious........I survived (barely) and bedtime is only 15 minutes away. We will be going to bed on time in this house! Nighty-night.

{No, I didn't use the Phoebe...more like the germophobe approach, no can't shake, sick}

First Impression - WINNER ;)

My new job starts tomorrow and I feel like garbage...actually more like I got run over a few times and then dropped in a dumpster. Ahhhh, what a first impression I am going to make! Excuse me while I blow my nose and forgive the death warmed over look, I hear it is oh so sexy and the new black!!!! Luckily, the person I report to already knows how awesomely cool I really am. Is it bad form to fall asleep at your desk on your first day in a new position????

OOOOOOOO....but let me share how awesome Doodles is. We were in the car on Friday, I had a headache and I looked like crap I know it. We were waiting on his father to meet up with us and my baby boy, I mean my big kid, blurts out of the blue...you're beautiful. I looked at him surprised and was like what? And he tells me, mommy you are beautiful. You have pretty eyes and a pretty smile.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW....how sweet and cute is this kid?!?! I think I'll keep him.

(yes, he did think deep thoughts at 2)

O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!

Moving...YUK

I got it...the apartment that is. Now, I just have to figure out how to pack a 2 bedroom apartment and move it from here to St Charles County between now and September 1...the trick will be the 2 weeks that I will be away on business. HMMMMMM.......hire someone you say?!?!? I am looking into it. I don't necessarily know that I have enough money for deposit, pet deposit, occupancy permit, rent and someone to pack and move me.

BUT...there is the whole safety thing to take into account. As in I do myself great bodily harm when I do anything domestic. Yes, I do kinda envy Misses M and her abilities...but we all have our strengths. I can, ummmmmm, welllllll, I am very stubborn :) (in about 21 and a half seconds we will see how well I beat my kiddos butt....remote control car ramming into my bed & the "computer plugs" - oh my child!!!) ANYWAY, as I was saying....last move I did pretty much by myself. 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment, well stubborn would be the word I would use in polite company. My TV fell on my foot. I have a 32" tube style TV (because well the other one went with the exe) and my arms are just not that big. Foot broken, toe dislocated, found out a few hours later...I had to finish what I was doing now didn't I?!?!? The computer desk got set on that same foot. Oh it was a mess! Poor foot. I think about it and I don't wanna move!!!!!!!!!! Am I a nuts?!?!?! Moving is icky!!!!

Yadda, yadda child closer to the father. Make his life more convenient. I got it! POSITIVE....fireplace, Santa doesn't have to use his magic to get into the apartment! A 6 year old outlook on life! How exactly do I get that back??? :)

Travel Advisory

It's time for me to fess up...I am the worst, most unlucky traveler in the world! I am sorry to my fellow passengers, to those of you who happen to be trying to sight-see at the same time as me, and/or to those of you unlucky enough to be stuck traveling on the same day/same airline as I am. Yes, you see, it is all my fault! No seriously...those delays mean that you have about a 95.3% chance that I am traveling. Oh, you don't believe me??? You are very kind!!!! Let me tell you about the latest...

I get to the airport for my 3:20 flight to BWI an hour and a half early...yeah, yeah I am a rule follower - and I figured I would grab lunch while I waited! Check my status, looks promising!!! Get done with lunch AND....flight delay, 4:05. Alright, ok...less than an hour, it's all good! I finally boarded my plane a little after 5:30pm! Hey, I am not complaining because I have had worse let me tell you. 2 hours 10 minutes...I'm down!

Tuesday afternoon my colleague and I decide to hit Fort McHenry. Get some of that history edumication. ;) hmmmmmmm, no charge??? OK. We get past the visitor area thingy and into the "inner sanctum" or whatever you want to call it and get stopped on the path into the Fort. WAIT just one cotton pickin minute here. Mr Park Ranger this here Fort closes at 7 or have you not received that news???? Hold up, are those Navy Seals in that boat, and those vehicles look awful familiar....darn it that's Secret Service! WTH?!?!? Oh, looky there, it's Mrs. Obama, her daughters and family minus the President (my hope is he was doing something official that is not ruining my life, but c'mon it's politics so not holding my breathe). OH YES I DID GET HELD THERE! 15 minutes later they let us go into the fort, but only part way...then we were held up again. It ended up being pretty funny because I actually don't mind making a complete a@@ of myself. We finished touring Fort McHenry, went back to the Harbor area and guess who we run into again!!!! OY VEY.....I was about ready to ask for an itinerary so I could go the other way ;)
(I tried very hard not to take a pix of her because hello rude she is with her family making her kids get a lil history just like our parents did to us and we do to our kids. This is actually of those guys behind the car....I totally love those outfits and want one. I would look really cute in that hat, yep I would rock it out!!!)







So, Wednesday comes and I am not scheduled for the meetings so I hit the aquarium in the morning - awesome!!! And then go over to the airport to see if I can get an earlier flight out. Original flight is scheduled for 7:10. I get to the airport about 12:30ish...check in and at the time all flights are booked, and running on time. Have we all guessed that this is not going to go well. 7 hours in an airport is just not enough for me....Let's just cut to the chase and tell you that I had no luck getting on one of those earlier flights and my flight didn't leave until 8:35pm.

Please do not get me wrong, this was a fantastic trip by my standards!!!! Whew, I would never, no no no.....no way....I mean that is just not nice to tell you about a bad trip. I am just warning you, if you hear that I am traveling, try not to travel on those days :)

Airport

And who says sitting at an airport is not productive...I got all of the posts put back on here that I had and that were re-sent to me. WOOT, end redundancy period. Back to the regularly scheduled BEEP fest :)

So, sitting in BWI, I tried to get on an earlier flight home......guess what -- all sold out! So, got here before noon will be here until my flight departs at 7:10. Good times!!!! Ah well, I will work a lil bit and play a lil bit and I got here early enough to get a comfy chair so my booty won't be yellin at me so bad. hehehe

Did take time this morning to go over to the Aquarium and see the dolphin show. I was frightened though! With my luck when I am traveling. I'll fill ya in on my trip later when I round it out with the return flight.

Wish

Have you ever wished for something so badly? I do…it is such a ridiculous wish, but it is something that I want so badly. I wish I could have a conversation with him. A real one, one of those conversations where everything was truthful…where we were both completely honest and forthcoming. No matter how badly the words hurt, I wish I could talk to him. I want to know why. Why me? What is it about me? Why did he treat me that way? I just want to understand. I thought he cared, so why????

See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.

It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.

Redundancy, BLUCH

Someone I trust contacted me regarding the going ons in regards to my blogging. She told me that she had been keeping track of things and was so proud of the progress that I was making. She asked me what happened...I explained and she told me that once again my emotions were being used against me, once again I was manipulated and I allowed it. She told me that she wanted me to really think about the conversation and reflect on it. She wanted me to contact her to discuss it further.

I talked to her about it and told her how angry I was about things. Only a therapist is pleased when someone tells them that you are angry. I told her that I was going to blog again, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say...the backstory was not there any longer. She wants me to add it again. She thinks I should repost - she told me that being able to look back and see the progress I have made just by purging it out it healthy. I don't have them all. She told me she grabbed some of them and would email them to me. Before deleting some of them I saved the ones that really spoke to me. So, in the next few days I will populate this blog with what I can from what I have deleted.

I detest being redundant. :)

Anonymity....nah

When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.

As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:

• I am a human being
• I have a right to my feelings
• I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
  
• The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs

My adult life has been hard, but through every hardship comes growth and a life lesson.

Strong Language Advisory...sorry

Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.

You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.

I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

Sweet Cakes...ADVICE FROM GAGA????

(originally posted Tuesday 6/22/2010)

ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.


“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.

There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.

There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.

I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.

The Funny and the Sad…

(originally posted Wednesday 6/9/2010)

First the funny…Doodles came home from daycare recently and told me that he needed to talk to me! He was outraged!!! I asked him what was wrong, and he tells me in this super serious voice that “Girly kissed me mommy. She kissed me right there!!!” {pointing to his mouth} And then she told me that we were married! I, being the wonderful parent that I am, did not laugh! Told him that I wasn’t sure he could be married without my permission. He gave me this LOOK…”Mommy, I’m not married to Girly. She broke up with me on the slide because I told her that she can’t kiss me anymore. I only kiss you.”

What in the world are kids these days doing?!?!? Oh my!!!! I am seriously considering locking him in his bedroom until he is 40……….any objections?

Now the sad…Friday was the 2 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life! June 4th 2008 my 2 best friends died in a car accident. I am proud to announce that I held it all together during work, by flipping that switch and losing myself in my job for most of the day and forgetting the date and then messing around with friends. I found comfort in forgetting, is that wrong? It was not until later that night that I lost it…oh how my heart aches to hear those two bicker. How I would love for them to take control of my life just one more time. How I would love to hear them arguing about the Stanley Cup finals or the upcoming World Cup…so many things that I miss, but mostly I just miss their voices telling me that I am okay.

These 2 were extraordinary men! They were both so full of life, passion, laughter and positivity!!! So, I am going to end this with a few positive things out of a book that meant a lot to us…the first being “Don’t wait for the funeral to forgive or to say how you feel.” The three of us knew exactly how we felt about each other. We knew how deeply loved we were, even when we argued it was one of our unwritten rules to never forget our friendship was never ending. Always, always there was love, respect and kindness. I told you that they passed away in a car accident, they were found with their hands entwined. I personally do not know if one went before the other, all I know is that they both died at the scene of the accident. I think they would have wanted to go together…they walked most of their lives together and I was lucky enough to share in a part of that.

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world”

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!

Miracle Baby

(originally posted 4/18/2010)

It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...

In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!

I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!

November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.

The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!

Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)

Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.

One of Those Days

(originally posted Thursday 3/11/2010)

There are some days that you just know you should crawl back into bed and wait for the next one...today was one of those days! It started with the snooze button, always a bad sign, and before I could get into the shower Doodles walks into the bathroom with a bloody nose. No rhyme or reason why, it just started bleeding. I have a bleeder on my hands!!! We run out the door with everything we need for the day and it appears I am only going to be a few minutes late to work. Not bad considering.

Ahhhh, traffic, how you have filled my week with glee! All week the interstate has been a mess for my commute, why would today be any different?!?!? Oy vey. But, I finally arrive at work...only 15 minutes late! Open my email and discover that soccer practice will be held outside - WHAT?!?!?! I did not grab the stuff required for outside soccer practice! I will deal, I will figure it out, I am a mom it's what we do! Work today was...eventful to say the least. I was nominated to take someone's place on an improvement team, I accepted, and then I received a meeting notice for today...talk about hitting a girl over the head - yes I did get action items and my head is still spinning. Beyond that, the normal fires and we have our annual conference coming up in a little over a week so I will be traveling again and need to prepare for the conf - thus is the life. Sometime between the fires, the meetings, trying to get ready to implement new procedures I found time to go to the sporting good store to get some outdoor gear for Doodles for today's practice, I needed to buy black socks for him anyway so whatever.

Soccer practice was...COLD!!!! Yes, I didn't have time to go change so I went in my work-wear. I wore the cutest lil mini today...mmmm yeppers great choice! So, I took a chance and went and sat in the car...bad move, Doodles freaked when he realized I wasn't in his eyesight and had an accident. The height of misery for my 6 year old. I feel so bad!!!! Luckily I had his school clothes still in the car. So we got home, I feed him, put him in a nice warm bath...and then the end of bath time came and I fought with him to get him out. Oh yes, I should have never gotten out of bed this morning.

Finally, everything is quiet...the washing machine is almost done and I will be able to go to bed and start all over tomorrow. I haven't told Doodles that his father isn't picking him up until after his game on Saturday yet...because of the teeter totter he goes through of wanting to go/not wanting to go - I admit I'm a chicken :)

Fairy Tale

(originally posted Wednesday 3/10/2010)

I went to a therapy session once and was told to change who I was. Point blank, the therapist at the time told me if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship that would last I needed to change who I was at the very core. The reason behind this was that the therapist believed others view me as a fairy tale; I would never be a reality. I couldn't be; no one really wants to be accepted unconditionally all the time - people do not know how to deal with that. The world is full of people who judge others, who accept on conditions, who love as long as it is their way. That is the reality of what people know, what people are used to.

When people meet me and get to know me they have a tendency to get attached and to "fall a little in love" because I don't judge and I accept them for who they are. I don't ask for that person to change, nor do I ask for anything in return. I expect nothing from those in my life, but I give them as much as I can. This is the fairy tale, but because we are adults we know that fairy tales are nice stories...they do not belong in the long term. Adults get bored with the fairy tale and put it on the self to be remembered while they go on with the reality of their life.

I have been told that I will forever be put on the shelf to be remembered as a pleasant memory until I change who I am at the core of my very self. I need to learn to be slightly judgmental, I should never completely, unconditionally accept any person just because they are a fellow human being, I should learn to take more and give less.

I stopped seeing that therapist because I thought he was cracked! What type of person tells another to change from a giver to a bitch? I hate to say that it appears that he was right. Not only on this, but when he told me that my personality attracts abusers because I leave myself open to it. I believe there is good in every person; some day I will find one who will not abuse me, someone who will treat me with respect, someone who will love me for who I am, someone who will accept me…yes that was my mindset. It is not any longer. I look back on my time in therapy with this particular therapist and he had me pegged absolutely correctly! I should have listened more and not been so stubborn about believing that I would find something good in the world. I need to put myself on the shelf to gather dust…I am way too old and too tired for fairy tales.

I no longer believe there is good out there, at least not for me. The bad, the negative, the complete horror that life has to offer has touched me far too often for me to even think that there is anything but those things for me. As soon as I thought I had a positive, good person in my life he abused and turned into just another horrific memory. Acceptance. I am content to see, read, or hear about it for others. And I can only pray that there is a little good left for my doodles.

Depression & My Reason to Live

(originally posted Friday 2/26/2010)

Sadness enters my soul and I have no idea what to do with it...I have no place to let it go except for inside of me. There used to be a block, it used to stop at a certain point and not seep into the very depths of me. I feel this so deeply even my bones grow weary from the weight of everything I feel. This does not stop at my heart, my gut...it travels throughout my body to the bottom of my feet, the tips of my fingers. Every part of me is heavy with this - every part of me hurts. My eyes fill with tears without any warning, I have to work so hard to get my lips to form even half a smile to appease others. I am lost; I do not now which way to go to find my way. Every time I turn and think I will find my way back into the sun, the smiles, the laughter it just gets darker, scarier, sadder. I am lost and do not know how or who to ask for directions...I'm scared and do not know what to do anymore. I have turned so many times no one will be able to find me nor will they want to. Will I forever lost in this swirling black mist that surrounds me threatening to take me under?

I have not allowed my depression to get the better of me because there are days when I get woken up with a flying tackle as I was this morning. There are other days when he comes into my room in the middle of the night, all warm and cuddles up next to me to tell me he had a bad dream and falls asleep before finishing his tale. I am the one he trusts, I am the one who slays his dragons - or he slays dragons for depending on the time of day, I shine the light when he is afraid. I know about being afraid and not having anyone there for me; I could never do that to my child. He knows mommy gets sad; but he will tell you that mommy always smiles for him. No matter how bad my life is; I have a gorgeous blue-eyed boy that looks up at me and makes it all worth it. The things he says, what he does...he is so funny - he is everything. And sometimes, Doodles runs into my room full-speed and tackles me when I am still asleep. It is the best way to enter a day...once I get my breath back that is.

Worthless

Worthless unless I am being abused...he tried to say he never said that. I will grant him this, those exact words did not come out of his mouth, but that is the interpretation of the words not just by me but validated by a professional. That professional did not want to validate the word worthless, tried to think of a different spin, but at the end of the day agreed that the words spoken did seem to imply that there was no place in life for me unless I was being abused.

His words: You have taught three men important lessons in life. None of us will abuse another woman because of what we have done to you and learned from you. I appreciate the lesson and thank you so much. I know that you will continue to do good things for others just as you did for me.

Now if someone would be able to explain why a man would say that to a woman who he has abused I would love that! And he said it as if I wanted to hear it; as if it were something ok to say. No, the professional could not explain it other than the man required help. The professional was frankly flabbergasted when first told, I give points for the ability to pull it all together and put some sort of psychological spin to it.

The Babies

February 2008...I started cramping and I knew exactly what was happening even as I was denying the fact he could have gotten me pregnant. In the morning I called the doctor to tell her that I had a miscarriage overnight. I informed her that there was still slight cramping and some spotting, but I was sure I had lost the baby. An appointment was set up to check and a DNC if necessary.

Upon arrival I was given paperwork to go to the lab for blood work. Once the blood was drawn I was told to go back to the doctor's office and wait. After what seems like an eternity, the doctor walked into the room. I knew by the look on her face she had something to say; she tells me that we have to go over to the main hospital for an early term ultrasound. I remember giving her the strangest look before saying in my most loving, sarcastic tone, "I'm not sure if you realize this, but a miscarriage means no more early term."

Dr, "you are still pregnant. Let's go."
Me, shocked and confused but not giving up, "I know what a miscarriage is and I had one!"
Dr, in that annoyingly soothing tone that they get, "We'll find out with the ultrasound."

On the drive over to the hospital I was afraid of what would be found. I had come to terms with losing a baby I didn't know existed. What was I going to do if I was indeed still pregnant? There was an apprehension, but I quickly decided that I would do whatever I needed to do in order to have a healthy, happy child! I got to where I needed to be and changed into that oh so sexy medical gown. The specialist walked into the room with my doctor. Here is more or less the conversation...

Me "Wow, where is my tech?"
Him "Not today. You get me and your doctor, lucky lady."
Me snort "Oh yeah, aren't I the special one?"
Him "Guess so. Please insert this..." {for those of you who have never experienced an early term ultrasound...a wand is inserted much like a tampon. Oh yes, it is a joyful experience}
Me "Well, at least ya used a condom! Not that I need one, right?"
Him laughing "smart ass"
Me "I don't use them, not supposed to be able to get pregnant"
Him "I think someone lied"
Me "I shouldn't be here. I had a miscarriage. If there is a baby in there, I slept with superman."
Him, after looking around for a minute or two "well ms lane, I hope you and superman are happy together."
Dr "I can make out the scarring from the recent trauma"
Him "There is a small amount of the secondary sac remaining"
Dr "I believe removing it would be detrimental to the remaining fetus"
Him "I agree. The placenta does not appear to be well placed or attached."
Me, almost at the point of tears, "I'm still here! Are you telling me that I have a child inside of me?"
Baby is pointed out to me...Dr "k, we have to start progesterone right away. Your test came back dangerously low for this stage of pregnancy."
Me "ok" {major freak out in 10...9...8...7...}
Dr "So, are you happy to be dating superman?"
Me "Oh we are not dating, I just slipped in his fortress once."

That was the first day of the start of major heartbreak! I did everything I could to save that child. I lost it 2 1/2 weeks later. I was not feeling well but I went to my second job anyway, I had an obligation. I started cramping but could not say anything for fear that someone may figure out what was going on and may guess at the identity of the father; so I stayed. One of the supervisors had frightened me earlier that evening so instead of leaving right after I was done for the night I stayed until I was sure everyone was gone. I finally left and went to the hospital, but I think I was already too late.

Once I was at the Woman's Evaluation Unit they hooked up the monitors. The baby's heartbeat filled my room. It was a relief to hear it beating strongly. They tried to stop the contractions, at least until the heart stopped beating. There is nothing louder than utter silence where once the absolute glorious sound of a heartbeat was once heard. The look of sympathy on those nurses' faces...I don't know how to describe the complete and total heartache I felt from losing those two babies. It took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding. Going through it alone was so hard, but I got through. On the one year anniversary I broke down; if it were not for the child I was carrying there is no way I would have survived.

March 2009...this second pregnancy was in a way easier to accept, but the end was so much harder to deal with. I accepted the fact that R could get me pregnant, so as soon as I had the slightest notion that I may be I immediately called the doctor. I was having health issues at the time so I was constantly in the doctor's office. What is one more blood test?!?!? I don't know how or why, but once that test came back positive everything with my brain and my heart issues changed. My main focus shifted to being positive, happy and having a viable pregnancy.

Health wise, mid to late December went pretty well. I received fantastic news from the neuro, no brain surgery required! The pregnancy was progressing well. Overall I was pretty happy at the time; at least until R decided to throw an emotional curveball at me. For the baby's sake I tried to put it aside and focus on staying positive.

January got a little rockier. I almost lost the baby twice in the first two weeks. The doctor started to worry which in turn made me worry. My upbeat mood was quickly turning and my rock, R, was not around for me to talk to about anything happening in my life because he needed space. Work had gotten crazy and A had decided to become even more unhelpful than normal. In late January my blood work came back with some abnormalities. I almost lost the baby again and was told the next time they were just going to have to let it go. The placenta had a slight tear and I was bleeding internally. It appeared as if my body was fighting itself. I was so tired. Not the normal pregnant tired; serious illness tired. It was a chore to do anything, but I forced it of myself. There was a thought that the baby's blood type was not compatible with mine.

In February I called R to find out his blood type. He wanted to know why, so I had to confess to him that I was carrying his child. That and the follow-up conversation were the hardest, worst conversations I had ever had with him until recently.

March came and I went into the hospital not wanting to end the pregnancy. Not an abortion according to the doctors, medically assisted miscarriage. This procedure was necessary for survival. It was the single most horrible thing I have ever done! Giving birth, having this miscarriage broke my spirit. Two arms, two legs, fully formed but oh so little at 5 3/4", 7.8 oz...I could tell she would have been beautiful given even half the chance to grow, to blossom. She was already starting to be one of those pretty babies even at that early stage, it was amazing! Who is so important that they should deem me any more important that she was? The fact that I took that precious little things life haunts me like nothing anyone can imagine. Upon my release from the hospital, I went home completely demoralized where I took a shower and cried for hours. The following Monday I got up and tried to act as if nothing in my life had changed even though everything had.

February 2010...my heart aches! I don't know that anyone could understand fully unless that went through it. It does not seem fair that so much pain happened in such a relatively short time frame. These anniversaries are only one year apart and separated by only 3 weeks. I have put one in the proper perspective and whereas it still hurts and I am not sure when the sadness I feel when I think of it will diminish I know I can take a deep breath and work past it; the other threatens to overcome me. Somehow I am supposed to pretend my world is ok.

Bound

The ties that bind can be so hard to shed. Promises made are promises to be kept! I ask permission to nullify those promises that were once made to no avail. What does it matter what I am thinking or feeling. There is a connection and will always be a connection tying us unless those promises are voided. I am chained by the words I spoke. Fading out of each other's lives, those are the words I heard. Yet because I am bound by promises our lives are still interwoven in Technicolor. Words, actions...why does it seem they contradict each other more than they agree?

Phone Call

I reach for the phone and start to dial before it hits me. The tears that have been building start to spill over slowly. I take a deep breath and walk to the closet, from deep within I dig out the black starter shorts that are filled with so many memories. I strip off the clothes I am wearing, after hugging the shorts close to me I think about washing them as I pull them on. Reaching back into the closet I come out with a shirt and pull it over my head. It still smells faintly like him even after all this time. The tears are coming in earnest now. I am encompassed by the only physical things I have left of the two of them. Crawling on my bed, closing my eyes I will the memories to come. The good ones, the ones that will take the pain and push it to the background. I cannot quite reach the compartment that those memories are locked away in. From two to three and then down to one; back to the closet. I take a deep breath and open the box to pull out the jacket that was given back to me. I put it to my face; it smells as if he just took it off. My arms are in the sleeves and I wrap it around me as I crumble to the floor. From one to none...there is no one to call, not to help me through this pain.

Always...

Always is a word that I don't use very often. That word has meaning to me, I take it very seriously. That word didn't even make it into my wedding vows. When I got married we were given the choice to have the traditional vows, to choose from 7 variations that others have written, or to write our own. I choose to write our own because I was fearful of what were to happen in the future and I didn't want to make promises to someone that I couldn't keep...it is bad enough the marriage is kaput in the eyes of God. I pulled out the wedding vows - 'I take you A/K to be my husband/wife, and I promise you I will be faithful and honest; I will respect, trust and care for you; I will share my life with you and I will forgive you through the best and worst of what is to come until death parts us.' - I have done all of those things even continuing to share my life with him because he is the father of my child and I am still friendly with him. Some could say, well technically you were still married when you and R got together so you were unfaithful...I wasn't living with A - he was actually living with his girlfriend. Our marriage was over, we were just trying to get the money together for the divorce and trying to get everything sorted out so all that needed to be stated was child support/custody. So my faithfulness is a technicality call. I could have put always in those vows, but I didn't feel comfortable with it.

I said I would always be there to R. It was a night like many others. We were in his office after an event just talking while he did his paperwork. The discussion turned towards relationships and we got onto the topic of how I don't call many people friend. He told me he hoped I counted him as a friend; I responded by asking him if he knew what that meant, the significance of that relationship. He told me he did. I took him at his word...when we said goodbye for the night we hugged each other. I pulled back smiled up at him, and said you are my friend and I will always be there for you no matter what! Those eyes sparkled and he pulled me back into the hug and told me that he would always be there for me too and our friendship meant so much to him.

So far, every time he has needed me I have been there for him. I believe that because I said I would be that I always will be if he contacted me. I cannot say the same thing about him. I don't reach out often, but when I do it would have been nice if the person I reached out to would have been there. There was one afternoon in late November that I called him and asked for 2 minutes of his time. He refused me, well not outright he made up a story about trouble with something at work. The worst of it was his story wasn't true. He thought that I was having an issue and he couldn't find 2 minutes in his day to find out what was wrong...actually maybe the worst of it was 2 weeks prior to this happening he had been sending me messages all day asking me if I could get out of work because he needed to see me. I told him at the time I was training and was planning on working late, a little after 4 he sends me another message telling me everyone was leaving how soon could I be down there. I send him a message telling him how long it took me and asking him why because didn't he have to take one of the kids to practice and I was working late remember...but I did end up leaving work because he asked me to (yeah I went back and ended up working until almost midnight but hey) and he couldn't take 2 minutes?!?!?! One other time, I called him because I had hit a really rough spot and needed someone to talk me through it. He told me he had someone in his office and asked if he could call me back. I asked him to promise that he would. He never called. I have been miserable before, but that night I was M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E and could have really used a friend. Apparently the one that said he would always be there couldn't be bothered to even call and find out why I would call him in the middle of the night when I had to work the next morning. When you talk about being there for someone 9 times out of 10 the test is around a health issue. I had a serious health issue where I needed him to be there and he not only wasn't there he completely turned his back. Always doesn't seem to mean much to R.

I often wonder if R just does not know how to be a friend or was I asking too much of him for him to be there for me? Knowing him as I know him, intense feelings are hard for him. He is more comfortable being the victim, the person who you feel sorry for, the person with all of the problems. In me he found a person who is a lot like him, that shares a lot of the same issues so he has had to be compassionate and not be completely self-absorbed all the time. I don't know. I would like that get out of vow free card, but there isn't one for friendship. At least not if you believe in Scripture. It is a covenant much like marriage; but unlike marriage no where in the Bible does it give you a reason to break that relationship.

Notch on R's Belt

There comes a point at the end of a relationship where you begin to think back over the highs and lows and really wonder if you meant something to the other person. When I look back on my relationship with R, there are those moments when I would have sworn that I meant as much to him as he did to me…but those glimmers fade into nothingness when compared to the other snapshots in time of the relationship. Those snapshots that make me take a good look and really make me come to the conclusion that there is a very real possibility that I became nothing more than a notch on that proverbial belt. That is what I am going to try and purge out of my system…explore with me and draw your own conclusions!

We were sitting in my perch overlooking the happenings below; I don’t even recall the event. Trust has been built and I was opening and sharing things with him that I had not even really shared with the French connection. We started talking about my marriage and the issues surrounding the dissolution of it. I mentioned that I had not had sex since March of '04 and those beautiful blue eyes almost popped out of his head. The discussion circled around that topic and he was asking me all sorts of personal questions and really was having a hard time digesting the fact that it was not a topic I thought about, unless a nosy friend was questioning me about it. It was very tongue in cheek, but this was a topic that was brought up often and he was very interested in…the more we talked about it the more information he wanted to know. The conversations became very humorous to me…and I think to him, but I am not so sure now that I look back on them. Looking back, I think this information about me and these conversations were when he started to really think about being the one to “break the dry spell” so to say.

October '07 came…we goofed around about having to ‘break up’ before his wedding day. Our little 2-person clique must come to an end, it was only right! I went to his wedding reception, looking back on this is horrid for me…it makes me feel like the worst bitch on the planet!!! I went up to him, gave him a hug, told him to have fun on his honeymoon and said congratulations I’d see him when he got back…he hugged me back and whispered in my ear that I was going to be the other woman. I laughed and whispered back that he better not let S, one of his employees, find out she would be jealous! He gave me that gorgeous smile, pulled me back into him and said no worries it would be between us. I just looked at him, chuckled and shook my head! Then I went over to his bride to wish her well. At the time I took it as a joke, who wouldn’t take it as a joke??? But, less than a month and a half later we progressed to physical flirtation and a month after that we slept together for the first time. So, now I look at it and I think maybe I am one of the most stupid people on the planet. R had been planning this and he gave you plenty of warning…why were you so shocked when things happened between you two?!?

Let’s review one of the other situations…fast forward to May. I had been in discussion with R about the possibility of our being together. There was a lot of back and forth with the general consensus that he needed to figure out his marriage and then we could see about us and if we could have a real relationship. Memorial Day Weekend R & T have this argument/discussion/whatever at the end of it there is pretty much a question of ‘do you just want to get it over with’ in regards to having sex. R says something to the tune of he would get a hooker if that were all he wanted. Two days later he is having sex with me. I hear about this conversation between the two of them after the fact and make a flippant comment ‘or you call me’ and R tells me that is not how he views me, there is more there, etc…whatever. Really, to me it looks like that is exactly what I was at that time.

There is one other bright, bold, glaring, neon colored sign and it is the most hurtful of them all…I have to set this one up a little with a small amount of back story. R is a good father. He brags about all three of his children. Pretty much every one at his place of business knows about them and his three stepchildren. His kids are his pride and joy! Anyone would describe him as a loving father. Why would a child inconvenience a man who is a loving father? That is the question that runs through my mind…the other one that invades me when I am really down and feeling depressed is I wonder if he didn’t want his other three children to be born. If you haven’t guessed yet, R and I conceived a child together (actually more than once, but I lost the first one before I had to tell him). When he was told about it, he couldn’t deal with it. He didn’t want to know. Our child was an inconvenience! Our child was destructive to his not-so-perfect life! If I were more than a whore, a convenient sex toy, a notch on R’s belt that child would have meant something to him if for no other reason than she was part of me...part of us!

I want to believe R that what was between us was not planned and that it was more...I want to believe him when he says that I was never a notch on that damn belt! There are those times that our relationship was more like a married couple than my marriage, and I would hazard a guess than either of his marriages. We really did connect on a level that very few if anyone understood; in the biblical definition of marriage yeah that word could have described our relationship with the exception of the fact the only vow we said to each other was we would always be there (a whole different post...)! So, I want to believe R, but I look back and I have come to the conclusion that I was nothing to him but his whore. Regardless of how R felt about me I still think it’s better to be a whore who cared about the man and enjoyed his touch than the prostitute who loathes and can’t stand to be touched by him.

20/20 Hindsight

Proverbs 9:7-8

"Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult;
whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.

Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”

The last five years of my life takes these verses and proves them in a way that I truly never thought that my friendship with R would or could due to the subject matter. In the beginning I was very guarded! I listened to his story without sharing a lot of mine. He didn’t even know I was married until mid-2007. As time went by he very gently got me to open up more to him; “you can trust me, k”…apparently not, oh that 20/20 hindsight!

Our friendship was one where we could be honest with each other. If there was something amiss, the other would point it out. No matter the issue we could depend on each other to be honest to the point of brutally honest. There were very few lines between us; at least until she entered the picture, then not only did I make a line I built a wall! I met her and could not stand her!!! He asked me what I thought and I murmured a noncommittal reply. My first (second and third) impression of her was that she is heinous, self-righteous and a completely horrid human being. He was going to have to figure that one out on his own; seriously, people have to be free to make mistakes and learn from them. I was at the wedding reception and the best man was giving the toast, my focus was on her and she looked at some guy, smirked and held up her ring finger as if to say ‘married, nothing he can do about it now’. It gave off a very bad vibe! When I went to say goodbye, she gave off the same weird vibe. And now, he is in a marriage that makes him miserable and I am sorry for it, but even if I would have told him that I didn’t like her the odds are it would have torn us apart and he would still be in that marriage! Of course using that 20/20 hindsight maybe, just maybe us being torn apart would have been a great thing…

Over the years, there has been a lot of teasing between us. There has been a lot of correction and slight admonishments between the two of us – not because he started as my boss…seriously as a manager he is lacking in that ability…we did correct each other when we did something wrong. If it was something that was serious there was scolding. But, he was one of the good guys, or so I thought. Kind, considerate, loving, gentle, positive…those are the qualities that I adore in him. Does he have “flaws” (I hate that people deem others to be flawed…those flaws are what makes a person an individual and are to be accepted as much if not more that the good qualities that make us love a person), yes R is “flawed”…horrible tunnel vision, self-absorbed, vain, he must have a façade of perfection, easily influenced, he gives up when things look hard, he settles rather than fighting for what he believes in or for what he should have. There are other things about him both good and bad that I have discovered by not being afraid to look under the surface.

This past summer I was teasing him that if anything happened I was picking his next woman! I have better taste than he does. He replied to me that if it were up to me that I would not have let him marry either his first wife or his second. I had to correct him that I did indeed allow his marriage because he had to learn that lesson for himself, I just wish he would hurry up and learn it! This wife is very much like his first wife, and his marriage is following along the same course because he refuses to learn that outer beauty does not always equate to inner beauty. He is dissatisfied with his marriage because there is no love there; as is evidence by her telling him very plainly that she did not love him then, now and never will. I tried to tell him a few times that I don’t believe it is T that he was in love with, it is what she portrays – the pretty blonde wife to complete the picture that he believes he must show to the world. I informed him before the two of us blew up that I believe now he is not in love with her, he feels indebted to her for what she does for his children. Gratitude is a great feeling, but it is not a feeling to base a marriage on! At the end of all of it he will settle because it is too hard to start over unless she ends this marriage…his words to me in December as I was calming him down and telling him that he did not want to kill himself and we started talking about his home life – what am I to do with the Catholic Church becoming more strict on divorce.

Oh yes, we mocked and rebuked each other…one of us became the abuser and one the abused. Was it because of this that that happened? I don’t know. I know that it started in December 2008. It started subtly, with an email filled with angst, confusion, emotions that were too much for him to handle. Too hard for him to handle! I thought that email was it; I thought he was going to do the goodbye right then but instead he started the yo-yo. For anyone who has been on the receiving end of psychological abuse who knows about withholding, you know all about the yo-yo. I need you, please come to me…wait no I can’t handle it, I can’t talk to you right now…I adore you and you give me strength to get through the hard times…I need space to deal with my issues myself…Oh that yo-yo where you don’t know if you are coming or going! The one that destroys self-worth, self-esteem, self-trust and so much more…I dealt with that particular yo-yo for 2.5 months. Then I got another round of it plus emotional blackmail and a little verbal abuse the following summer for 6 months…yes, I am stupid for allowing him back in. I trusted him with things about me that only 2 others knew, well because he said I could of course!!!! One situation he could have been a man and he refused, same situation my friend could have stepped up but didn’t, yet again same issue the Catholic (yeah the one who is so concerned about divorce) could have stepped in but was silent. He betrayed me in ways I never thought he would! Misrepresentation – he said he never lied – sure, the Order of Protection just happened I believe it – so we will play the verbiage game…abusing me – ya know if it would have been physical I could have handled it but he went for the part of me that matters! The part of me that should have meant something if our friendship ever meant something to him…I told him that if he ever wanted to abuse me to make it physical – the body heals and you can shut off the part that really, truly matters!!!

I guess he said it all in what should have been our last phone call, but wasn’t, when he told me that he hated me. He could have saved both of us so much time and frustration by not having to prove he is “the man”. He really didn’t need that notch on his belt, it’s not like he can even brag about it because it ruins his perfect façade. Oh well, lesson learned for me I guess. I dislike that this lesson took so much out of me, but what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – isn’t that the saying?