The Accident

Julie, fellow blogger, broke her wrist this summer and when she got the her cast off I had mentioned I broke both my wrists. She asked me how. Let's travel back in time...February 1995. (there is a lesson here kids, and I am putting some pictures** that are not bad but are still kind of gross to get the point across.)

A was an over the road truck driver, and I worked not quite but almost full time retail. I was ready for some time off in the after Christmas season. We made plans for me to go over the road with him. We went all over from the eastern seaboard to Texas, the last run we were on was through Canada/Pennsylvania/Michigan and then back to the hub. I had so much fun, but by the time we got back we were both exhausted...we debated driving the hour and half to my parents or the 5/6 hours home for the weekend. He had a check waiting for us so we decided to go home, February 10, 1995. At the halfway point he was sleeping and I was so exhausted that I decided to stop and try to take a nap. Three hours later the sun rose, and I woke up. I was so tired, but uncomfortable with staying where we were any longer. I tried to wake A up, but to no avail. I took a deep breath and decided that I could do it, no worries. I was 19, nothing could stop me! Except that damn cop car that did a U-turn right there...darn it. Maybe I shouldn't have been playing around, speeding, being an all around dumb ass driver. I didn't even talk myself out of that ticket! I started driving again, I was so shaky, nervous...I didn't want to drive anymore darn it I just wanted to be home!!!! I hated tickets then, now I do my best to talk myself out of them...but I digress. We got to the next big town and stopped for gas. A had woken up and said he would take over driving. He knew the area better than I did anyway. I put my seat back and covered up. After awhile I remember waking up because we stopped at this church because apparently you can't pass it without ringing the bell or bad luck...BWEE! this is the last of my memories of that day, the rest of this is from medical reports and second hand information - OH until the police report (funny stuff actually).

The car was speeding down a back country road, up the other road the girl that was going to hit us or we hit knew we were not going to stop (why didn't you stop idiot???)...our car ran a stop sign and the oncoming van hit passenger side once starting the car to spin and then hit it again on the rear end causing it to start flipping. So, the car was spinning and flipping...as it did the passenger door flew open and both A and I exited out the car, ok maybe we were ejected much like the car was a little sick and tired of the abuse of being driven in such an undignified manner, via the passenger side door. The car traveled approximately another 50 feet into a corn field. I was found more than 250 feet from the car...I guess I did my best superman impression and flew between 200-300 feet depending on the ejection point.



I woke up in the hospital February 13, 1995...groggy but alive, a miracle according to the doctors - not just because of my injuries. My parents had been there; my father in all of his need to help apparently overdosed me with my Demerol pump. I was unconscious so the hospital/doctor/nurse whatever just had it on a steady drip, but the "doorbell" was attached for when I woke up and they could change the settings. My father decided every time I moaned I was in pain so he pushed the "doorbell" and a flow of Demerol went into me until from what they say I started vomiting a la The Exorcist. Which was bad, because they did not have my shoulder strapped down so I got a second round of them popping that bad boy into place....I have no recollection of that so in my eyes more power to my daddy!!!

My injuries consisted of hairline fracture in my skull, awesome black-eye that I had for like 2 months, various cuts (those plastic surgeons are good you can almost not tell), left elbow dislocated, left wrist broken, right shoulder dislocated, right wrist broken, both hands crushed, my rings were embedded into my fingers, right pinkie finger compound fracture (the only finger that got special attention), various other cuts and bruises on my body, some internal bleeding but no big deal.

A few days after I woke up they were finally able to clean me up:

that's not a smile
the nurses in the hospital were great from what I remember

The glass and weeds they took out of my hair along with bits of the car were crazy! My sister stayed to help take care of me, do my hair and other necessities that I was unable to do (and frankly now I have no shame because I have been pretty darn low). My first opportunity to get out of that bed was about a week or so after the accident. This was the first time my shoulder was taped...such a happy face:

Wasn't I ever so pretty at 19???

I was out of the hospital about a week and a half when the police knocked at our door. I still looked like the above picture without the bandage on my face...I was so messed up on pain meds. The police were trying to arrest me and I asked them to wait because I needed to nap, laid down on the couch and almost feel asleep. The officer in his infinite wisdom told me to place my hands behind my back (what?), which is when A stepped in and said she can't. I stepped up to say I can if I try, but these idiots are going to have a talk with the doctor and will be paying the bill. We got to the police station, both A and I were booked for falsely reporting an accident. They tried to take my fingerprints, I'd like to know how that worked out for them but never got an answer...and took our statements. A was then released because the officer admitted he never took a statement from him. They were talking to me and I looked at this officer and I told him flat out....wait you have to picture me exactly like I was above, hopped up on high power medication, with my head on the table..."dude, are you on some sort of crack? I have never seen you before in my life. but whatever you say, as long as it gets me back in bed I am going to go with." This is what the officer went with, our lawyers fought it and pretty much told the judge that if the cops would have investigated the accident instead of looking and saying 'oh she got a ticket this morning she was driving' they would know exactly what happened and would be able to tell all of us. They went on to make A and I stand in front of the judge and said it doesn't take an ace investigator to see if the seat was back he was driving if it was forward she was. The judge pretty much sided with us; A took the tickets and blame for the accident though because I had quite enough tickets on my record thank you very much and he had none. I left the courtroom with a slap on the cast......

But, lessons were learned! I never ever drive tired anymore, because there is a very real possibility that I was driving that car. I wear my seat-belt even in the passenger seat, I used to only wear it when I was driving. Lastly, I never let my father close to any of my medications when I don't feel good, his hearts in the right place but that man'll kill me.


**Why were pictures taken, remembrance of the day I was almost lost to people that loved me. Reminders never to wait until it's too late to say how you feel

Dreamworld

DON'T BE FOOLED BY ME

adapted from a poem by Charles C Finn, by anonymous

If you want to know how important,
you are to me, how you can be
the creator of my person,
then you must let me in,
you alone can break down the wall
- behind which I tremble

And you alone can see me behind the mask
that I wear with discomfort.
You alone can release me from my shadow world
of panic and of uncertainty, for my lonely
person, please don't pass me by.
I know it won't be easy for you at times,
a long conviction of worthlessness built strong walls
And the nearer you approach me,
the blinder I may strike back, you see,
I seem to be fighting against the very thing
I want the most.
But I'm told that love is stronger than walls
And, in this, lies my only hope.

One of my all time favorite poems...ended up in a dream, very weird dream. Paging Dr Freud, Dr Sigmund Freud please see crazy chic on the right.

Friendly Advice

Earlier this week I posted that I need an accountant in my life. Misses M told me that I should check out my company accountants and see where they hang, maybe snag one up for myself. BWEE!!!! I stopped in the office yesterday to drop off expense reports and both of the accounting folks that work in the facility I am based out of were in, end of the month and all that. I said hi, made small talk, and in the back of my mind that comment was running through my head the entire time - TYVM my friend, but I did not laugh my butt off until I left the office. The Controller reminds me of, well of my father and the other person is a really, really nice woman. I imagine she hangs out at home, possibly the ballpark (this is a baseball town dontchyaknow), but in all honesty I can't think of one place she would "cut loose" so to speak. So, uh, yeah.....thinking that resource is a NO! :)

There is a serious issue bothering me. For the life of me I cannot find the sign that is taped to me, or if it is a neon sign over my head I cannot find the switch to turn it off. There has got to be something about me that gives a married man the vibe that I am free game. Really attractive man, very kind....very married with children....but hey, flirted with me and made it known that he was interested in getting to know me. Cannot wait for me to come back to the area because I am such a sweetheart. I am not the type of person that is going to be rude. I am not the type of person that knows how to cut people off at the knees. I am the nice girl...especially to my co-workers.

Another example: a friend of mine continues to push "to find time for us". It will only be one or two times, a learning experience (like I have not heard that I needed that my entire marriage), and we would still be friends. No one needs to know. Oh, this guy - he is a sweetheart, cutey-patutie, married. This one is super honest about it going no where; he is 'happily' married and planning on staying that way (unlike R, who used everything in his arsenal to string me along). I respect his honesty, but I'm sorry, possibly it is just me....but happy marriages do not include a cheatin ass man. The following is completely my fault, I don't know how to stop it...I have been playing along, sure, whatever, sounds fun. But, I am never available to see him, I make myself busy!!! I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but I need to get it across to him that this is not going to happen. I respect the honesty that is there, I am flattered, but cheating on someone is sleazy and wrong and I just do not want to be a part of it!! {that is an issue that I am working through and will resolve soon}

But, I would love for someone to let me know what it is about me that makes a married guy think I am just going to look the other way. I admit I am naive, often stupidly so...are men really just that insensitive that they do not care about the women that they married???? Seriously, is it all guys.......I know some of them are just losers like that, but it is really all men? If it is all men, how do I go about getting them to look at someone other than me (no I am not going to gain a bunch of weight to make myself unattractive, but I am not adverse to growing warts if need be).

The worlds an amazing place...

I visit a "photoblog" site almost everyday, and every single day I am continually amazed by the beautiful things that this world has to offer! Today, Trey Ratcliff, the photographer of the website offered up an amazing picture of one of the waterfalls in Yellowstone. Once again, I could stare at the picture and will myself to that place. I discovered this website months ago when I was pretty deep into a funk, or as some may say an episode of depression - such downers! I was going through the site and came across the coolest pix of iceland...so jealous of Mr. Ratcliff! But, now I live vicariously through him and his pictures. In a few weeks it will be London according to the blog...how cool.

But, I was looking through his NYC shots tonight because I am headed there in a few weeks and Julie has posted some pictures of her recent trip. (there is a picture of FAO Schwartz that reminds me of a story J told on her blog). The City looks gorgeous through both of their camera lenses...why do I get the feeling that I am going to get back and look at those pictures once again and say 'i saw none of that'.

Balancing Act

I have a secret for you...I hate balancing my checkbook. I am HORRIBLE with money!!! Money management, budgets, anything to do with it I suck at it!!!!! I am going to tell you why - MY PARENTS....nope, I am not big on blame the 'rents, but this really is their fault.

My whole life all I had to do was say "I want" and I had. Please do not get the wrong impression, I was not little rich girl, my parents worked very hard for what they had and we were fortunate that we had enough. I am one of five children; I have 2 older brothers, an older sister and a younger sister...the thing is, by the time my little sister and I were old enough to really "want" both my brothers and my older sister were out of the house, so it was really like it was just the two of us for the time that mattered. Back to money matters...as I was saying, all I had to do was ask and I had. I grew up always having what I wanted: I wanted to shop, I shopped...I wanted new shoes, I had them...I wanted to go out, I went - there was no thoughts to do I have the money to do these things??? Is this in a budget??? {I do know my parents worked hard, and it instilled in me a very good work ethic. I know I have to work in order to give Doodles the same things I had}

I balanced my checkbook this evening, and it is way more painful than I think it should be. It always takes me forever to get my check register to agree with the bank and I do this every two weeks. UGH!!! About once a month or so I really rethink this "I don't need a man" thing I have going on. I need a guy who I can throw my money at, my bills, and tell him that whereas I hate shopping I need to have the option available to me. Is that too old fashioned girly?????

Man Hunting ---- My local Accounting Firm....yes?!?!?!?

How cool is that???

This week was not completely filled with co-workers and things that are either so boring it's not worth mentioning or so technical you would all call me out as not knowing what I was truly talking about...

Thursday morning I went and toured the Louisville Slugger factory. My traveling companions really wanted to go and, hey what the heck right?!?! So, I do not do baseball...I am a hockey girl, winter sports are my thing - seriously being born up north was a good call on the Powers that Be part when it came to me. :) I swore that this trip Doodles was not getting anything, but at the end of the tour they give out the mini-bats so...yeah. He loves it. Back to the tour...for me I thought it was kinda cool. I found my dream job. There was a gentleman watching paint dry. No, seriously, he got up once in the 15 minutes I was watching him touched a bat and sat back down. I asked and his whole job was to make sure the bats do not come off the hooks until the varnish/paint/whatever is dry...I can totally do that!!!! QUALIFIED -- over here, pick me! You end up in the museum which was cool. I thought of Misses M, there is a lifesize wax of Griffey in a Mariners uniform...sorry, I know painful subject these days. They were making bats for one of the Boston Red Sox players. In my oh so humble opinion it was kinda amazing the way that they make a baseball bat...my traveling companions were a little let down. I guess to a true fan of the game, it's different. I can see that, watching a factory crank out hundreds of hockey sticks would probably take the awe out of it for me when I want it to be the wooden shafts, and then bending each blade individually. So, yeah I can see the let down of a smoothly run factory cranking out the bats instead of using the hand lathe of the past. The other BIG let down was that the personalized bats...you can't use them! But, they have professional cores that didn't come out perfect so a mere mortal can buy them for $50. {But beware if you fly out of the Louisville airport no bat, of any size is allowed as carry on - yeah I was fine taking my mini-bat through CVG}.

Lunch was just down the street at this AMAZING Italian place called Luigi's. Seriously, if you are ever in Louisville, KY you have got to stop at this place! It is a local little restaurant with the most delicious food. I highly recommend the lasagna...mmmmm GOOD -- no that doesn't even begin to describe it!!!! Trust me, I don't recommend many restaurants because I am such a picky eater, but this one - Scrummy!!!!!!!!

That evening we ate at the Oak Room. Very nice. Apparently the place of legends, Al Capone type legends...and the Lady with the Blue Dress! Then we proceeded to take a tour of one of the coolest places. Very techno-advanced for the business that they are in. But the absolute coolest thing was the 16 million dollar Flight Simulator that my traveling companions and I were lucky enough to be able to experience! The instructor allowed me to mess with one of my companions who was flying and throw a light thunderstorm at him and after everyone got a chance to take off/fly/land he showed me all of the weather and malfunctions that were available. The things a pilot has to go through in simulation are absolutely unbelievable! The flight sim was probably the highlight of the things I have experienced in my life. Unbelievably cool! I hope I get a chance to go back and see them again. :) But, I don't suppose anyone wants to buy me one for christmas, my birthday, just as a you're great present????? No, I didn't think so...

Anyway, this was a cool trip...but I am glad to be home, even if it does feel like it is just a moment. My weekends are going to fast. Tomorrow is church, lunch and then it will be the rush of getting ready for the next day again.

Daydreams versus Reality

When I travel I always get a window seat. I stare out the window at the passing clouds and there are moments that I get caught up in daydreams. I envision jumping out of the airplane into those clouds. Losing myself in those soft, fluffy white puffs with not a care in the world, gazing up as the bright blue turns to dusk and watching as the twinkling stars come out. Sometimes I think I would be able to hop from cloud to cloud not having to ever get to anywhere specific.

Then, I realize that this is me and I would jump and land in a thunderhead. Wickedly violent, lightening going from cloud to cloud until suddenly I would be hurdled to Earth along with slashing rain and some hail thrown in for good measure tossed to my destination. So, I look around me, take a deep breath and know that my life may not be perfect but as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will get to where I am going.

It may be loud...what with the screaming toddler right in front of me on the airplane from CVG to ORD; it may be slow...with the hour sitting on the tarmac in ORD (once again with a baby in the next row, what was up with yesterday and me and kids????); but eventually I always get to where I need to be and I almost always get a pleasant greeting when I get there. (in yesterday's case Doodles saw me for the first time in a week and ran into my arms with a kiss, hug and all his news from the week.) It may not be cloud hopping, but sometimes my reality is much better :)

more on this trip later...we did some really cool things that I can actually talk about ;)

Finally, someone gets it...

OMG...finally, someone who gets it! Seriously, I thought the majority of the people in power had finally lost there ever lovin minds. There are states out there finally responding to the health care joke, I mean bill.

Karen Harned, executive director of the Small Business Legal Center of the National Federation of Independent Business, has a head on her shoulders!!! Beyond stating that the case needs to be heard she goes on to say:

"The federal government does not have the authority to regulate an individual's decision to do nothing. If they did, then they could force us to purchase any product they want," she said.

YAY! Since this health care bill was signed I thought every single person in DC has lost their minds and forgot about democracy and what exactly that means. The only question I have is why every single state is not in this law suit! But, just maybe it will be heard and those little shreds of common sense that are in those judges minds will fuse together and click to realize that Oh yeah we are not a socialist republic...so, we kinda can't penalize people for not purchasing government health care nor can we penalize Americans who have jobs that offer a benefit package. Crossing fingers!!!!!!!

Headaches

I have been fighting the worst headache since last night. I didn't want to take anything because of last time, but I broke down and went to the pharmacy. My head is killin me and I have no time for this. I need to get this house in order and pack our stuff for next week. Not to mention try and get Doodles room finished.......ugh

The Choking Game

So, I saw this new story this morning that completely bothered me. It is not just the story that is disturbing, but the comments. Apparently there is a "fun game" that kids/teens/young adults are playing these days...the game is to choke themselves to get a buzz. I vaguely recall in my younger days hearing about "stoners" doing this to elongate their high or something; but today apparently these kids are doing it without being under the influence.

HELLO, I have had someone choke me until I passed out. I have had someone choke me until I was close to passing out and laugh in my face as I gasped for air. Children, this is not a high!!!! When you forcible cut off air to your brain you are KILLING YOUR BRAIN CELLS! This is so dangerous -- oh yeah, the reason its news is because a teenage girl was found dead due to this. Not suicide, trying to get a high.

In short, apparently as parents we must talk to our children about sex, drugs, smoking, abuse, the hazards of household chemicals, and now choking themselves!!!! I understand having to talk to my child about having a positive self-image and how important it is to understand the consequences of sex, drugs and smoking. I even know how very important it is to talk to him about treating others with respect and making sure he is treated as such. But to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about hey don't choke yourself because it's kinda dumb......I mean how do ya approach it???? OY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Promises to myself

I feel as if I am starting a whole new life, not by choice but by circumstances. It is unfair to blame those circumstances solely at A's feet...I know I have been because it has been a little easier but the majority of this new chapter lays squarely in another direction. I know that A's girlfriend has been "hinting around" so I would have gotten the divorce papers sooner or later. But, the pages of my life story started to turn in a flurry and now I have come to a point where everything is changing.

I am leaving a job that I love that I have had for over 5 years. The people here have been like my family. But, I am moving on and will look at this as a positive step forward. It really is a great opportunity to prove myself once again. The only downfall is the travel...it's not something I want to do, but I will and I will be the best like I always am.

I am leaving an apartment that I love living in. It is fairly cheap, I have great neighbors, a church I love and a support group in my friends that are second to none. But, I will leave it behind and look forward. Doodles will start a new school and we will be fine. I will make it work like I always do.

BUT, this new chapter...or maybe whole new book I am making a promise to myself. I will not hide my feelings anymore for the "good of others". I will not harm myself so that the people around me can be ok while I slowly die inside. I will not be unfair to myself any longer.

edited 10/2

Storms...

It is a blah day for me today. I should have been working, but I cannot get myself to focus. It frustrates me when the blahs take over. It makes me feel like I let everyone down.


So, a few weeks a go when I re-vamped this I picked the storm template because I thought it was so apropos. My life has been a series of storms: from the violent thunderstorms that leave the temporary physical reminders, to the rolling thunderstorms that seem to last forever and are scary but you know you will get through them, to the torrential downpours that you don't think will do any damage until you it starts to pass by and you can finally go outside and take a look at what has happened, to the gentle summer storms that cleanse and renew.

When I was younger, before I got married I dated someone who was my first love. He was older and had a career, I was young, foolish and still in high school. He physically abused me. I was cocky and full of myself in the ways that a young girl is...thankfully so. It only happened one time, but that one time was enough to leave its mark on me. He was that violent thunderstorm. The one that comes quickly, passes just as quick but leaves the physical reminder that it was there (and maybe an emotional scar).

Then there was A. He was the long lasting storm, the rolling thunderstorm that at times is violent others it is quiet but unsteady and slightly scary. We met and I agreed to go on a date with him. I explained my situation and that I would not be intimate with him because of my beliefs. A few months after we started dating he raped me; he then used my beliefs to get me to agree to marry him. My marriage was not what anyone would call happy, but I was the best at pretending! I did it well until my son was born...after that I put my foot down - there would be no more abuse in that house. He started cheating on me, but he treated me with respect so I stayed and we worked together until he started using our money for things I did not agree with and I was unable to pay bills. Control is another form of abuse, and 2 1/2 years ago I said enough and he was very agreeable with that. He moved with his girlfriend; but, continued to control me. I finally gave into his final demands and he finally signed our divorce papers...soon this storm will pass me by and be a memory. BUT, the thing about this one is that their is always a rainbow attached to it. Because on November 12, 2003 the sun rose...Doodles.

Those gentle summer storms that I talked about...the ones that cleanse. My friends, my family, my pastor, my co-workers...those people who listen and let me know that it is worth it. No matter what kind of craziness goes on in my life they are there for me if I need them. I may not have a lot of people who I allow in any more, but I have some. And I have the memories of the 2 greatest men I have ever known who always made sure I knew how much I was loved, wanted, needed and so much more.

edited 10/2

School Daze

I HATE SHOPPING!

OK, I feel much better now. I purchased all of the school supplies that were not already in the cupboard...next year I will hate myself for not getting extra, but I was in and out of that store in 15 minutes! Yes, straight to the "back to school" area then back to stationary supplies because hello index cards for a 1st grader??? AND, someone want to explain the 12 glue sticks...not just glue sticks but WHITE! Elmer's I hate you! All of the Elmer's glue sticks are the disappearing purple so I had to head back to stationary to buy Rose Art (or whatever) which were like a $1 more expensive....wait did I just complain about a dollar???? Whatever, I had to buy 3 pkgs so that is like $3, which means the cost of a happy meal.......if I have to bust out and cook at home, I swear LOL

School clothes...not purchased. He doesn't have uniforms this year, so I am hoping that he can just hang on for the first month or 2 and then we can go get some new clothes. (I would really like him to hang on till Christmas and let Santa take care of it, but prob won't happen...hehehe)

Today

Today is my fifteen year wedding anniversary. Today I finally filed my divorce papers with the courts!!!! Yay. It only took making myself less inconvenient, and giving him his way to get the papers back signed. Is it bad that I gave in and agreed to move closer? At this point, I don't really care...my life has pretty much been in a holding pattern for almost 3 years waiting for the day that I could file the paperwork. So, all the documents are filed and will be presented to the judge tomorrow...the clerk told me that the judge may sign them and this marriage will be dissolved tomorrow or the judge may look them over, send them back to the clerk to have a court date set. Regardless, sometime in the next month I will be completely, 100%, no need to feel guilty about what I do or say single again.

Today, once again it has been proven that anyone can invalidate a person's feelings/thoughts. Whatever! The best thing about life is choices. I make a choice in what radio station I listen to, what TV programming is allowed in my house, what foods to eat, and so much more. The thing I have learned in the last few years is that when I am offended by something I can choose to say something or I can walk away and not subject myself to it. The effects of the last few years is plain and simple, I am tired...so I am just going to walk away and not subject myself to the things that I find offensive. I don't have to. {see I have learned something from the unkindness of others} In the long run will it matter to those that I am walking away from, nope...but I will no longer be offended, so it's all good!!!

Fruit...or is it

Do you remember when blackberries were fruit that grew on bushes? If you lived near the country you could find a bush, pick them and eat em till you got sick...yeah!!! Good times! My grandmother had blackberry bushes...I preferred the raspberries, but I picked the blackberries for her too.

These days, when someone asks about a blackberry the first thing you think of???? BE HONEST!!!!


Yep, me too. I am currently in possession of 2, count them TWO...yes, my job is trying to kill me but it will take more that electronics to do it LOL They cannot win!!!! One more week... :)

First Day...

I would post a great big long story about my day and the excitement of the new position...but my friends, first and foremost my job's not that exciting; second, I am soooooooo tired {why yes, I am whining}; third, there is so much crammed into my lil, itty-bitty brain that it will explode if I try to suck any knowledge out of it at this time; and lastly I couldn't even if I wanted to get into it.

So, let me just state the obvious........I survived (barely) and bedtime is only 15 minutes away. We will be going to bed on time in this house! Nighty-night.

{No, I didn't use the Phoebe...more like the germophobe approach, no can't shake, sick}

First Impression - WINNER ;)

My new job starts tomorrow and I feel like garbage...actually more like I got run over a few times and then dropped in a dumpster. Ahhhh, what a first impression I am going to make! Excuse me while I blow my nose and forgive the death warmed over look, I hear it is oh so sexy and the new black!!!! Luckily, the person I report to already knows how awesomely cool I really am. Is it bad form to fall asleep at your desk on your first day in a new position????

OOOOOOOO....but let me share how awesome Doodles is. We were in the car on Friday, I had a headache and I looked like crap I know it. We were waiting on his father to meet up with us and my baby boy, I mean my big kid, blurts out of the blue...you're beautiful. I looked at him surprised and was like what? And he tells me, mommy you are beautiful. You have pretty eyes and a pretty smile.

AWWWWWWWWWWWW....how sweet and cute is this kid?!?! I think I'll keep him.

(yes, he did think deep thoughts at 2)

O.D.

Let me just start of by letting you know that today was a complete and total disaster of a day. But, I am writing about it so there is that...also just to get it out of the way, there are times when I am a complete MORON!!! With that, here's my story...

Last night I did not feel good. My head was stuffy from crying, my neck hurt and I had a headache. About 10:30ish I took 2 Sudafed and 2 Darvoset, I then proceeded to go to bed. What I thought was a few hours later I woke up and my head was still killing me so I took 2 more Darvocet, laid on the couch and went back to sleep; slept for what I thought was a few hours and woke back up. My head was killing me, so I got up took 2 more Darvocet got a cold cloth and my heat pack for my neck. I laid back down for what I thought was a few more hours......here is where I tell you I was not watching the time, this is a pretty strong medication that normally knocks me out for hours at a time. Woke up again, this time I stood up my head was not only throbbing but I was dizzy and nauseous. But I proceeded to take 2 more Darvocets...after the first one my stomach started revolting, but I swallowed it and took the other one. I went back to my room glanced at the time, it read a little after 5. By this time I was really sleepy and really dizzy. But I remember thinking, it is really late, I wonder when I am getting Doodles back. I started to doze off but my stomach just was not having it. I got so sick and the medicine taste was so strong and horrible...it must have lasted a good 30 minutes of straight vomiting. I got back in my bed and grabbed my phone - I don't know about you, ya'll probably call emergency or poison control, me I call my mom! So, I called my mom and asked her what time it was and she told me it was 6:50AM. OMG! I ended up taking 10 pills in less than 8 hours. I asked her if you can OD on the stuff, told her what I did. She proceeded to tell me that there are times I am stupid. Asked me when the last time I ate was (my momma knows me well). She told me that I needed to let myself get sick as often as my body felt like purging and not to go to sleep. Then she told me to make sure I ate crackers or bread to soak up some of the excess toxins. Then she told me that if I get too dizzy or felt like I could not stay awake to call 911 immediately.

Let me tell you that overdosing on medication is not my chosen form of suicide. I have way to may issues with living up to the standards others see in me. The doctors that prescribe that medication to me do so and they count on me not to do anything illegal or stupid with them. In my mind I could never let them down that way. I know that is kinda a skewed view on it, and maybe I have it because my mother works in the medical profession...but it has never crossed my mind to use my medications in any manner but what they were prescribed. And, I have a lot of meds that could kill me if I ever decided to end my life in that manner. I would be letting down way to many people that put a trust in me and couldn't. If my depression would ever get the best of me, my form of suicide would have to be something that it was all me and I was not letting anyone's faith in me down....beyond the fact that I was like dead and stuff.

I cannot believe I did that last night. Honestly!!!! STUPID, stupid, stupid! But at least I learned a lesson...let me tell you, I have felt like crap all day. This lingering headache and nausea is kicking my butt!!! AND, I think the stuffy nose is developing into an end of summer cold...which for me means sinus infection. WOOT!

Moving...YUK

I got it...the apartment that is. Now, I just have to figure out how to pack a 2 bedroom apartment and move it from here to St Charles County between now and September 1...the trick will be the 2 weeks that I will be away on business. HMMMMMM.......hire someone you say?!?!? I am looking into it. I don't necessarily know that I have enough money for deposit, pet deposit, occupancy permit, rent and someone to pack and move me.

BUT...there is the whole safety thing to take into account. As in I do myself great bodily harm when I do anything domestic. Yes, I do kinda envy Misses M and her abilities...but we all have our strengths. I can, ummmmmm, welllllll, I am very stubborn :) (in about 21 and a half seconds we will see how well I beat my kiddos butt....remote control car ramming into my bed & the "computer plugs" - oh my child!!!) ANYWAY, as I was saying....last move I did pretty much by myself. 3 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom apartment, well stubborn would be the word I would use in polite company. My TV fell on my foot. I have a 32" tube style TV (because well the other one went with the exe) and my arms are just not that big. Foot broken, toe dislocated, found out a few hours later...I had to finish what I was doing now didn't I?!?!? The computer desk got set on that same foot. Oh it was a mess! Poor foot. I think about it and I don't wanna move!!!!!!!!!! Am I a nuts?!?!?! Moving is icky!!!!

Yadda, yadda child closer to the father. Make his life more convenient. I got it! POSITIVE....fireplace, Santa doesn't have to use his magic to get into the apartment! A 6 year old outlook on life! How exactly do I get that back??? :)

Travel Advisory

It's time for me to fess up...I am the worst, most unlucky traveler in the world! I am sorry to my fellow passengers, to those of you who happen to be trying to sight-see at the same time as me, and/or to those of you unlucky enough to be stuck traveling on the same day/same airline as I am. Yes, you see, it is all my fault! No seriously...those delays mean that you have about a 95.3% chance that I am traveling. Oh, you don't believe me??? You are very kind!!!! Let me tell you about the latest...

I get to the airport for my 3:20 flight to BWI an hour and a half early...yeah, yeah I am a rule follower - and I figured I would grab lunch while I waited! Check my status, looks promising!!! Get done with lunch AND....flight delay, 4:05. Alright, ok...less than an hour, it's all good! I finally boarded my plane a little after 5:30pm! Hey, I am not complaining because I have had worse let me tell you. 2 hours 10 minutes...I'm down!

Tuesday afternoon my colleague and I decide to hit Fort McHenry. Get some of that history edumication. ;) hmmmmmmm, no charge??? OK. We get past the visitor area thingy and into the "inner sanctum" or whatever you want to call it and get stopped on the path into the Fort. WAIT just one cotton pickin minute here. Mr Park Ranger this here Fort closes at 7 or have you not received that news???? Hold up, are those Navy Seals in that boat, and those vehicles look awful familiar....darn it that's Secret Service! WTH?!?!? Oh, looky there, it's Mrs. Obama, her daughters and family minus the President (my hope is he was doing something official that is not ruining my life, but c'mon it's politics so not holding my breathe). OH YES I DID GET HELD THERE! 15 minutes later they let us go into the fort, but only part way...then we were held up again. It ended up being pretty funny because I actually don't mind making a complete a@@ of myself. We finished touring Fort McHenry, went back to the Harbor area and guess who we run into again!!!! OY VEY.....I was about ready to ask for an itinerary so I could go the other way ;)
(I tried very hard not to take a pix of her because hello rude she is with her family making her kids get a lil history just like our parents did to us and we do to our kids. This is actually of those guys behind the car....I totally love those outfits and want one. I would look really cute in that hat, yep I would rock it out!!!)







So, Wednesday comes and I am not scheduled for the meetings so I hit the aquarium in the morning - awesome!!! And then go over to the airport to see if I can get an earlier flight out. Original flight is scheduled for 7:10. I get to the airport about 12:30ish...check in and at the time all flights are booked, and running on time. Have we all guessed that this is not going to go well. 7 hours in an airport is just not enough for me....Let's just cut to the chase and tell you that I had no luck getting on one of those earlier flights and my flight didn't leave until 8:35pm.

Please do not get me wrong, this was a fantastic trip by my standards!!!! Whew, I would never, no no no.....no way....I mean that is just not nice to tell you about a bad trip. I am just warning you, if you hear that I am traveling, try not to travel on those days :)

Airport

And who says sitting at an airport is not productive...I got all of the posts put back on here that I had and that were re-sent to me. WOOT, end redundancy period. Back to the regularly scheduled BEEP fest :)

So, sitting in BWI, I tried to get on an earlier flight home......guess what -- all sold out! So, got here before noon will be here until my flight departs at 7:10. Good times!!!! Ah well, I will work a lil bit and play a lil bit and I got here early enough to get a comfy chair so my booty won't be yellin at me so bad. hehehe

Did take time this morning to go over to the Aquarium and see the dolphin show. I was frightened though! With my luck when I am traveling. I'll fill ya in on my trip later when I round it out with the return flight.

Wish

Have you ever wished for something so badly? I do…it is such a ridiculous wish, but it is something that I want so badly. I wish I could have a conversation with him. A real one, one of those conversations where everything was truthful…where we were both completely honest and forthcoming. No matter how badly the words hurt, I wish I could talk to him. I want to know why. Why me? What is it about me? Why did he treat me that way? I just want to understand. I thought he cared, so why????

See, I need to understand because I am so tired of crying by myself. I want to be held and be told that it will all be ok. I want to be able to trust someone to do that. Right now…….well, right now anyone who comes into my life is there for one reason and that is to abuse, to use, to hurt. That is all I am good for and I don’t understand why. Maybe if someone could tell me I could change, I could find a way to bring value to others beyond the girl that gets abused.

It’s a dumb wish. And I know it is one of those things that I will never get. It’s ok though, I know I will walk through life alone…I’m used to crying by myself and pretending that I haven’t been.

Redundancy, BLUCH

Someone I trust contacted me regarding the going ons in regards to my blogging. She told me that she had been keeping track of things and was so proud of the progress that I was making. She asked me what happened...I explained and she told me that once again my emotions were being used against me, once again I was manipulated and I allowed it. She told me that she wanted me to really think about the conversation and reflect on it. She wanted me to contact her to discuss it further.

I talked to her about it and told her how angry I was about things. Only a therapist is pleased when someone tells them that you are angry. I told her that I was going to blog again, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to say...the backstory was not there any longer. She wants me to add it again. She thinks I should repost - she told me that being able to look back and see the progress I have made just by purging it out it healthy. I don't have them all. She told me she grabbed some of them and would email them to me. Before deleting some of them I saved the ones that really spoke to me. So, in the next few days I will populate this blog with what I can from what I have deleted.

I detest being redundant. :)

Anonymity....nah

When I started blogging I wanted anonymity. Just a place to put my thoughts so that they would not fester inside of me. I had lost the people that I trusted with those inner most thoughts and feelings. I was urged to not keep them to myself; to start a blog and put those things out there for others to read as a way to break out of the isolation that I find myself in. I was actually very surprised that it was starting to work...slowly I was feeling better, the pain inside of me was alleviating and I could see that the positives did indeed outweigh anything negative that I have gone through.

As I have moved along, and probably from the unfortunate hiatus, I no longer care about being anonymous. I no longer care if anyone who happens to come across this blog knows who I am. I have had some time to think about things......a few basic facts that I have concluded:

• I am a human being
• I have a right to my feelings
• I have a right to verbalize my thoughts in any way I see fit
  
• The emotional scars that I carry are unfair, they were not caused by me, if anyone has an issue with me sharing those and how I got them...that is not my problem, it is theirs

My adult life has been hard, but through every hardship comes growth and a life lesson.

Strong Language Advisory...sorry

Anger... Irritation... Annoyance... Exasperation... Outrage... Resentment...... sure all of those words express my feelings but straight up I am flat out pissed off! Who in the hell does he think he is? I make a phone call to tell him that I am moving on and not to send a payment to my work address and he proceeds to whine at me about this that and the other thing...not only that but has the audacity to request I stop blogging. Stop putting my thoughts and feelings out there. Stop expressing myself. It irritated me that he brought me down from my good place, but I did as he requested....Why? Well because someone was offended by something that I wrote...

EXCUSE ME?!?!?! If anyone should be offended by the things that I wrote it damn sure should be me! And ya know what, I am. I am so far past offended that I not only wrote those things but that I had to live through them! It offends me that he would read it after figuring out that it was me; yes he should have stopped out of courtesy! So much offends me, but I place no blame anywhere other than on me and my stupidity.

You know what, I am just going to throw it out there....those that were offended needs to step the f&#k off of their high horse and realize that (1) the world does not revolve around them and (2) the truth is often not pretty, especially when it stares us in the face. But, it is NOT my fault that the things that I wrote previously are factual and force the people who read it to realize certain truths about people in their lives.

I am highly offended, irritated and downright pissed off that anyone would find a way to blame me or my offensive words for anything to do with anyone's life!!!!!!!!!! The things I write about I have every right to put out there. They go through my head, they are things that happened to me....and ya know what if anyone is f&#kin offended by it no one has to bloody read it. MOVE ON!!! Leave me and my thoughts alone. If you happen to be someone who caused these thoughts, these emotions....maybe you should take a look and realize that I too am a human being, I too have feelings, and if you would have been more careful with me maybe you wouldn't have to be so offended!

Children...

So, I have a friend who is in the public eye and she does a daily blog as part of her job. This week one of her posts was about marriage and some of the things you can do to help rekindle the spark when life gets in the way. It was very couples therapy weeks 1 thru 3, the only thing missing was write down 5 negatives and 10 positives and share the positives and throw the negatives away. It was all in all a really great post......but I have foot in mouth disease and I being who I am stated my views on marriage as it is in today's society. I took exception to one of the phrases about throwing kids in the mixture and how they have a tendency to take over a marriage. My viewpoint on that is that kids never, ever take over a marriage that was meant to be - children add joy to an already joyful marriage.

Last night I could not sleep because I kept checking on Doodles. {I got a call yes afternoon telling me he had a really high temp. Took him to the doc, he's fine...it's just strep}. So, I wrote the following to my friend because I knew that she would enjoy it and I think it is worth repeating to anyone who thinks that children are ever in the way, are ever a burden on their marriage, are ever a reason to get married, stay married or to get divorced. Our kids are nothing but an added joy to us and we should be doing whatever we need to do to protect them!!! They do not need to think they are ever a reason for anything but the smiles -- and sometimes frustration that are truly due to them.

5 Reasons Children Add/Fulfill…

1. Laughter. There is nothing like the sound of an infants gurgle, a toddlers screech of joy, a teenagers laugh (yea I hear they do on occasion laugh with the family and not at them) that makes a parent stop a realize what an absolute joy they are.
2. Tears. There is nothing in a parents life that makes them feel more helpless than watching their child cry! Whether it is from a boo boo, from that first heartbreak or as they get older and life catches them unaware a parent just wants to make it all better. And when that child comes into a parents arms, at 2 or 20, it reminds them how fragile children really are.
3. Fear. Parents slay the dragons of fear throughout the young lives of a child and as they grow their fears become bigger. From thunderstorms or bugs to how do I get a loan or am I doing the right thing, children tend to always run back to their safety net. It reminds a parent that they are superman for their child.
4. Love. From that first bonding moment that squeezes a parents heart making a person wonder how in the world one human being could feel so much for another. That feeling that you know you will do anything for another human being without question. Unconditional. And through everything as they grow, even as they are screaming ‘I hate you’ with everything in them, a parent knows it’s not true and someday they will return to normalcy (ya know grow out of those teenage years). Love will never go away. It reminds a parent how great their parents are.
5. Leaving. There comes a day in a child’s life when they leave the safety of their childhood home. Go to college, join the military, get married, become an adult…all a parent can do is close their eyes and know they did the best they could do (and then go have a good cry of course). It reminds a parent just how special their child is.

Sweet Cakes...ADVICE FROM GAGA????

(originally posted Tuesday 6/22/2010)

ETA (7/21/10) I liked this post -- it is just so true! when you want something so bad, you really have to think about if the price is worth it...and still can't believe Gaga is giving sage advice. Someday I will wrap my head around that fact.


“Because the sweeter the cake, the more bitter the jelly can be." Lady Gaga said that in a news story I read today. It’s true. Fame can be a blessing and a curse. Money, popularity, pretty much all of the things that people crave have an ugly side that doesn’t show until you obtain that which you thought you wanted oh so badly.

There are people that wanted marriage so badly, once they achieved it they realized it was not happily ever after and love and kisses all the time. Marriage is work. Hard, difficult work. The Bible says that it will be a labor of a lifetime, but one that will bring joy (Ecclesiastes 9:9). If your marriage is not bringing you joy, if your mate is not lifting you up, helping you be the best person that you can be and you are not doing those things for your mate…why are you together? The wedding cake gets stale, and sometimes that is all you have so you joyfully make do…at least in a marriage that was meant.

There are those that need to have money. Money, money, money. But, I don’t know very many who have found happiness because they are always chasing money. Or, there are some who make their families so unhappy because they are always looking for the next big thing. Work hard, but play harder. You only have one shot at this life.

I guess that is one of the lessons I am trying so hard to learn…I only have one chance – shouldn’t I grab it and live it to the fullest? Shouldn’t I do whatever I have to do to forget about the painful and bitter and find something sweet? That quote from Gaga it hit me because it is so true, what I thought was so good and sweet ended up being so bitter and bad.

The Funny and the Sad…

(originally posted Wednesday 6/9/2010)

First the funny…Doodles came home from daycare recently and told me that he needed to talk to me! He was outraged!!! I asked him what was wrong, and he tells me in this super serious voice that “Girly kissed me mommy. She kissed me right there!!!” {pointing to his mouth} And then she told me that we were married! I, being the wonderful parent that I am, did not laugh! Told him that I wasn’t sure he could be married without my permission. He gave me this LOOK…”Mommy, I’m not married to Girly. She broke up with me on the slide because I told her that she can’t kiss me anymore. I only kiss you.”

What in the world are kids these days doing?!?!? Oh my!!!! I am seriously considering locking him in his bedroom until he is 40……….any objections?

Now the sad…Friday was the 2 year anniversary of one of the worst days of my life! June 4th 2008 my 2 best friends died in a car accident. I am proud to announce that I held it all together during work, by flipping that switch and losing myself in my job for most of the day and forgetting the date and then messing around with friends. I found comfort in forgetting, is that wrong? It was not until later that night that I lost it…oh how my heart aches to hear those two bicker. How I would love for them to take control of my life just one more time. How I would love to hear them arguing about the Stanley Cup finals or the upcoming World Cup…so many things that I miss, but mostly I just miss their voices telling me that I am okay.

These 2 were extraordinary men! They were both so full of life, passion, laughter and positivity!!! So, I am going to end this with a few positive things out of a book that meant a lot to us…the first being “Don’t wait for the funeral to forgive or to say how you feel.” The three of us knew exactly how we felt about each other. We knew how deeply loved we were, even when we argued it was one of our unwritten rules to never forget our friendship was never ending. Always, always there was love, respect and kindness. I told you that they passed away in a car accident, they were found with their hands entwined. I personally do not know if one went before the other, all I know is that they both died at the scene of the accident. I think they would have wanted to go together…they walked most of their lives together and I was lucky enough to share in a part of that.

“Acts of love are what will bring peace to your life and to the world”

Irreparable Damage...

There are things that have happened to me in my adult life that I have suffered through and later learned to endure that have never shaken my confidence, my self-esteem, the trust that I had in myself. The abuse that I lived through in my early adult life didn't shake me, or touch the inside or me so it did not cause irreparable damage like that abuse I suffered at R's hands. I don't trust myself, I have no self-esteem, I have no confidence in myself and these things are affecting every aspect of my life. It affects how I mother my child. It is affecting my professional life. And, of course it affects my non-existent social life.

I do not want to meet anyone. It scares me to even think about it. I am worthless unless I am being abused...I have tried so hard to work through that statement, but it sticks and I cannot. To humor my neighbor I put a personal ad online. But, if people send me emails I delete them without reading them. I will not respond to anyone because they will just be another R. Using, abusing and then blaming me and letting me know it is all because of how worthless I am. Thinking about meeting someone makes me nauseous. Thinking about R or anything to do with him makes me physically, violently ill. I can't help it and I don't know how to stop it. I had a phone call a few weeks ago and as soon as I hung up I got sick. (Just as I get it put in that dark little corner of my mind where I can pretend I have forgotten it gets brought up again. Yes, I know there is a cause for the damage, but I can pretend I don't know where it came from! I can lock it away never to be heard from again and pretend that I am just the way I am because I am.)

I question everything I do. In my profession it is a good thing to question, but I have to have the confidence to know that my decisions are sound. I am smart. I am professional. I know how to do the things I am asked to do. When I go to my boss for the easiest of answers they begin to question. And, my opportunity for advancement disappears. I have always been able to get by with my brain and my drive. My lack of self-trust and confidence is a detriment to me and I have to find a way around it!

For the first time in my life I truly know what irreparable damage is. I have suffered at the hands of others, at the unkindness of others. I just want to be left alone!

Miracle Baby

(originally posted 4/18/2010)

It was 2002 and the writing was on the wall for my marriage. A knew I was tired of the game; tired of always being dissatisfied; tired of his growing restlessness...it was time to end this torture. I have always heard that some women have a save the marriage baby, not in this marriage. A approached me one evening to discuss getting tested again and trying to have a baby. He knew it was the one thing I wanted; the one thing that would make me stay. I went to the doctor and went through the testing and found out my chances of getting pregnant were slim. They put me on medication and A and I went to classes to learn about Creighton Natural Family Planning. A and I started looking for a house. In July I was told I would probably not be able to have a child. It was hard, but I resigned myself to it. A and I went forward with the purchase of the house...the more expensive of the 2 we were looking at since it looked like we didn't have to worry about expenses for a child of our own. I decided to settle with what I had...

In March 2003 I discovered I was pregnant. I called A at work and he told me that the HPT was probably wrong and not to get excited. Wait until I could talk to the doctor on Monday. Monday morning I called my doctor right away, went in for a test. That afternoon I received a call asking me to go back into the office to receive the first of many Progesterone shots. It was a cautiously exciting time for me! For 13 weeks I received shots in the hip with a needle I swear was the biggest needle they could find...the nurses told me I was one of the only girls that had to have extensive progesterone therapy that never cried once. I would do anything to ensure the safety and well being of the child I carried!

I had so many sonograms that I was a regular at the hospital and the girls knew me by sight and name. But it was reassuring, in that scary sort of way. As a administrative assistant to an HR Mgr (my job at the time) I knew our insurance only allowed it because the doctors must have seen something high risk. They never said anything outright, but it was under the surface to be sure. I started every 2 week appointments when I was 4 months along. I don't know if that is normal or not to be honest...but whatever they told me I did. I received a due date of December 2, 2003. I was ready!!!!

November 7, 2003 I went into work and everything started out normal. Shortly after I got to work I got this head-splitting headache. Made my migraines look like play time. (Preface: the rest of this is not an actual memory of mine, but things that have been told to me over time). My boss came over and I told her that I need to go to the doctor. She asked me what my doctors name was and I could not tell her. She told me that she would call A, and asked for his number. I was unable to remember either of his numbers, I tried to pick up the phone but could not. Luckily my computer was already on and she went into my Outlook and called A. Told him I wanted to go to the doctor and he said he would come and pick me up. There were a couple of other questions asked that I had no memory of the answers to. I got sick a few times at work before A got there to take me to the doctor. We went to the doctor's office and told them I was having a migraine. They gave me some Demerol and sent me home to sleep it off.

The following Tuesday I went into my regularly scheduled appointment. I talked to my doctor about how I was feeling, told her about that previous Friday and that I don't remember anything except the onset of the headache but from what the people at work were saying it was very scary. She looked at my blood pressure again, at the swelling in my legs and told me that she was going to have me admitted into the hospital and we were going to take the baby that day. Talk about being unprepared...I left stuff at work undone, I had nothing with me and I was starving. I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant and had not eaten anything since the night before! They got me into a room. Finally fed me about 5ish (my appointment was at 10am grumble, grumble, grumble), and started pitosin at 7pm. The next morning about 5am they came in and gave me that stuff to soften the cervix. About noon on 11/12/03 I had 3 doctors looking at me, one of them being the head of the OB department at the hospital. I was feeling woozy, vomiting every time I moved (I know TMI). Dr. O came back into the room and told me they were going to take the baby via C-Section. They prepped me....I can't tell you the rest until Doodles is about 5 days old because I ended up in a coma. I do know that I stroked out at least twice and maybe 3 times. My blood pressure went up to 270/215 (I think that second number is correct). Apparently I went Toxic the previous day and should have had the C-Section immediately...the way I see it alls well that ends well!

Doodles and I left the hospital together a few days after I woke up...let's just say I am pretty resilient and a horrible patient! That and The C-Section stuff had already healed for the most part...I just needed to prove I could walk, talk and take care of myself....which I did as soon as they didn't bring Doodles to my room. The day after I woke up and was moved out of recovery or wherever I was isolated at I called and asked for him to be brought to my room...time passed no nurse, no Doodles - So, what's a girl to do but get up and go find the nursery????? (I was yelled at! Boy was I)

Right before Christmas, Doodles got really sick. I called to make an emergency appointment for him. He was 4 weeks old, the doctor sent me to the emergency room. My 4 week old child received a spinal tap along with a bunch of other tests. The diagnosis, Meningitis. The fact that I can spell it, kills me! The fact that all I have to do is look at his little chest to be reminded of what he has gone through and the blessing that he is astounds me!!! Four weeks old, the veins in his arms could not hold the IV; 2 days into his stay the veins in his leg gave out and when they tried to put it in his other foot it collapsed too. The only other alternative was his soft spot. I had a doctor come in and tell me to say goodbye to my son, he wasn't going to make it through...I was a new mom, I was tired, I was not hearing a negative word that was being said! I responded that I come to a Christian hospital for a reason; sometimes you have to believe in the Cross that is boldly displayed on your chest when science isn't enough.Doodles has been through a lot...being born early not in the best terms, meningitis, over 50 ear infections in his first year of life, blown ear drums, numerous respiratory infections, and then the small stuff that worries me as much as the big. But I have learned in the last 6 years that I just have to take it day by day and realize what a blessing I have. What a miracle my child is.