Letters of Intent: It's all good in the end

Dearest HR,

I am ever so respectfully asking, no begging, that you communicate with the employees. C'MON - 2 letters in a month written specifically to you, both regarding the word communicate. That to me seems a tad on the ridiculous side! Remember the whole unfortunate prescription issue...now you have rejected my review because YOU want something different. May I be the first to remind yo that this system was put in place two years ago and you came around and trained all of us. I remember and I followed through on my part, or thought I had. When you want changes made to a system you gave formal training on you need to communicate that in some way. Seriously, draft a memo at least. Have a paper trail or something! I am unable to read your mind. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not the only one unable to read the minds of others and this is a corporate wide issue. Maybe when you have had to kick-back more than 75% of the annual performance evaluations for the same or similar reasons, you should have seen the problem.

Best Regards,
The employee who knows communicating is not a deadly disease

Dear Boss,

Thank you for being the most understanding boss in the world. I know that listening to me whine is not always easy. Thank you for believing in me and giving me a shot at this job. I know you tell me that it is you who should thank me, but I really appreciate the opportunity.

Sincerely,
The employee who will not let you down

Doodles:

I love you. You are my reason for being. I know that the last few months have been hard and that mommy has been really busy with work. I also know how hard it is for you that mommy has to travel as much as she does. Just a few more months and it will settle down. You are the most understanding, wonderful son I could ever ask for. I am so thankful for you!!!!

Love,
the mommy who loves you to the moon and back

Carbon Footprint

Carbon Footprint...I have a large one today. Sorry planet. It is 5:05 am and I have been sitting at the airport for awhile waiting on my flight to board. Early morning flights are the worst, but today is a must because it's in, meeting and home. See, hello how many plastic bottles do I have to recycle just to make up for today?!?!?

I am super tired, when I am tired my mind races a bazillion miles a minute. I am going to Canada next week. Is it still winter? I am sure that I told everyone who would listen that Canada was off limits until the spring. But, those punks lured me up there with the promise of Tim Horton's and a hockey game. I am such a sucker. Then I am headed off to DC...if I make it back from Canada (we all know me and travel, my one week trip may last 2). Then -- well, let's just say that I travel every week starting next week until the week of April 8th. Feb and Mar are going to be crazy!!!

(I am sitting here wondering why an NFL coach is at my gate -- it's not the coach of the NFL team in my town...it's a team from the West Coast. Oh the people you see at 5 in the morning at the airport - I am headed to Cincinnati)

anyways...the next to months I should have some weird and wacky travel stories for you.........I can't concentrate any longer. its all football now and we are getting ready to board soon.

CONTINUATION: Its now 5:30 pm and I am sitting at the airport. Still tired, but less groggy :) Are you ready for more travel woes...I tell you these things so that you know that if I am traveling you either (a) don't travel or (b) do not travel on the same air line as I. You're welcome, love you too!

I arrived at the airport around 2 EST in order to get through security and make my 4:10 pm flight. Optimism ran high, looking forward to getting home in time to pick up Doodles and let him know about my day in Cincinnati, OH. I arrive to my gate and work a little. Around 3:15, as I glance up at the LCD screen the flight time says 4:30 departure, where seconds ago it stated 4:10. Minutes later it changes to 5:35, and then goes blank and pops up with the next flight scheduled to leave out of that gate. Confused I get up to check with the gate agent. No, there has not been a gate change, but there is no update on the flight. They will inform us when they hear something.

Around 5:00 an announcement comes over that the maintenance was taking much longer than expected and the departure time has been pushed back to 8:30. If the passengers would come to the desk and get a meal voucher they will update us when they have more information. I start towards the gate agent and see that there is one who is not busy at the next gate over. Skipping the meal voucher, expense report what do I care about a voucher there is more pressing things on my mind, I ask the gate agent about other flights to my hometown. (See, I have been thru this here delay thing before, remember Miami???) There is one flight and it is nearly full. The gate agent protects a seat for me in case something goes wrong on my original flight. I thank her and walk away to get some dinner.

As I get to the food court an announcement. Flight XXXX to XXX has been cancelled would all passengers please report to gate B12 for re-booking. I head over to B12. In line there are numerous passengers all awaiting news on new flights. (there is a lot of angry people at the airport...I really hope that I am never that angry) Some heading through Atlanta, some hoping to get on the 8:35 flight (that I already know was close to full), and some just hoping to be re-reouted tonight. The woman a few people in front of me get booked on a flight tomorrow at 9:00 am, the gentleman directly in front of me was trying to get on a flight through Atlanta - not sure how it turned out I was done before he was, the man behind me was hoping to do the same thing that I do (I wished him luck). I walked up to the counter, showed my boarding pass and told them I should have a protected seat on the nonstop to my home airport. The re-booking agent confirmed that I had a seat, printed my boarding pass and wished me a good flight -- all done within 2 minutes. There were looks of "How", "what", "oh my goodness"...I wasn't kidding when I told them I was getting on the 8:35 flight, even the lady in front of me told me that she couldn't get on so I couldn't - I just shrugged. Yep, there were a few looks of outrage...but there were also a few 'dang you're good' looks.

See, all those travel woes....they teach ya how to have a back-up plan :-) Yep, I'm getting home tonight and I cannot say that for everyone that thought they were.........I wish all of them well and safe travels!!!

Round 2, Part 2 & a lil bit of Perseverance

Let the games begin, again! Paperwork is signed, again. It is heading to the courthouse by the end of this week, again -- wait different courthouse but same premise so I am going to stick with the again.

Does it ever feel like you are a character in that movie Groundhogs Day? I feel like this when it comes to this divorce.....this never-ending divorce that I am trying to get. (Seriously, those who say divorce is easy please point that train at me so I can hop off in easy town...trust me when I tell you that there is nothing easy about it! Not the decision to go through with it. Not the paperwork that needs to be done. Not the division of property. Not the parenting plan. Not the healing. There is NOTHING easy about divorce!)

"When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"Fall seven times, stand up eight" Japanese Proverb

It was once said of me that I am the girl who can take a million punches, stand up and ask for another. There was a point when I thought I was down for the count...I clung to the tiniest of threads. I am not completely back, I may never be back to myself, but you can knock me down but you won't knock me out! I was blessed with an amazing internal strength that will pick me up even when I don't think I can. That's what I have learned about myself in the last 3 years...now I just have to learn to heal.

Weekends

It has been a really long weekend. Have I ever confessed to you all how much I really do not like the weekend? And now that I do not go into the office on Mondays, eeeeccchhhhh is all I have to say. Why does Tuesday take so long to get here?

I wrote my paper on Saturday in an hour and a half. It is 4 pages and I am pretty confident that it does not completely suck. Why am I confident, because I wrote about my job. Is that cheating? Well, I don't care! I love my job...I feel so good about myself when I put on those work clothes and that badge that gives me an identity. And ya know what, I had my review last week......reinforces that I ROCK! Where else in my life does anyone else depend on me and actually lets me know that I cannot leave them because they would be at a loss. Now, because I am nothing if not a realist, I know that it is a corporation and they would be just fine....but its nice to know that they think they would miss me and my abilities :)

I went to church yesterday and I tried very hard to push back that anxiety. Ya know what doesn't help? The Bible Study we are doing. Currently we are doing a Bible Study on Marriage...it is great that my Church is doing that, and the study itself is actually very good. But some of the people in that study are completely and ridiculously judgmental and it is TOTALLY non-Christian like. Why would anyone open up and tell some of those people they are having issues in their marriage??? So they can be judged? No, that is not our jobs as human beings. Our purpose is to be kind, loving and spread the word of forgiveness. I look around and I wonder how many of them are putting on a show, how many of them are being emotionally murdered but won't say anything, how many of them are close to spiritual suicide...and I wonder if possibly a kind, understanding word from someone would help make sure that those things do not happen, or stop happening to that person(s). It is a good Bible Study, and one I will stick out until the end...I hope that people are hearing themselves and hearing what the Pastor is saying and learning not just about marriage but acceptance.

Well, I am pretty close to done with homework...I have some things that can be done from home. (maybe I am a workaholic, I can deal with that there are worse things in life). Therapy is in a few hours...hmmmm

Pour Your Heart Out: Mommy-Guilt

Courtesy of Shell


Mommy-guilt. I have an acute case of guilt, the mommy kind. I have the best son ever (no bias here)...I cannot imagine my life without him. I love this kid more than anything, but...

my miracle

There are times when my 7 year-old acts more like an adult than I want. I do not want him to grow up too soon, but he is and it's my fault. There are days when I cannot get out of bed because it is just too much work. Doodles knows how to make himself a PB&J or a hot dog in the microwave. There are days when my head hurts so much that moving is not an option. Doodles can get my heat pack warmed up and a wash cloth for my head. There are days when all I can do is cry. Doodles takes care of me.

That is not the way this relationship is supposed to work - I'm the parent. I should be taking care of him, getting his lunch, making sure he plays. He should never have to take care of me. Doodles should be able to be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

no, he was not taking care of me here, 2 and my lil helper, but it feels like this is what I make him do for me.

There are times when my 7 year-old talks to himself. In school, at home, on the playground...talking/singing to himself is how he regulates his emotions. If he is too tired, too stimulated, too nervous, too anxious that talking just gets louder. People are going to look at him like he is insane...but he isn't, he is just trying to cope the best way he knows how. I don't know what to do; as he gets older I don't know how to explain that others do not understand.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - he's supposed to be carefree. I cannot help but have a huge amount of guilt. Did I do this to him by pushing this divorce forward? Do I do this to him by being the way I am? Would he be more well adjusted if he didn't have so many changes in the last year and half? Do I travel too much? Doodles should be 7...loud, rambunctious, crazy 7!

yep, takes pictures of himself

There are times when my 7 year-old is just that, a loud, rambunctious, crazy kid. And, I lose my temper. I yell, and that harms my Doodles. He is so sensitive and he has issues with his hearing sensors, and I yell. I hate that about myself.

That is not the way it's supposed to be - I'm the mommy. I should have patience and understanding for my baby boy. I cannot stand to lose it with him; he is just being a kid. That wonderful, beautiful little boy that I want him to be.


I have so much mommy-guilt and it eats away at me. Doodles and I are so close. I want so much for him!!! Mostly, I just want him to be happy because I love that kid! He wants to go to a hockey game...I need to stop making excuses and take him.


"I love you

And that's all I know"
lyrics from Five for Fighting All I know
from Chicken Little - scene between dad and Chicken Little...



"There is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you"
Miracle - Celine Dion

True Story Tuesday: Travel FAIL

True Story Tuesday brought to us by Rachel and Mr. Daddy

It has been awhile since we shared a laugh over my misadventures in traveland...not because there have not been any, but because I have been crazy busy and my mind has been occupied with other things. Well, today my friends, was something special!


I woke up this morning late, if a person can consider 3:45 am late. This morning it was! My flight was boarding at 5:50 am, and I had last minute things to do this morning. (Class last night didn't end until a little after 10:00 pm and I had to pack). After a very fast shower, I grabbed my things and rushed to my car; It was 4:59 am. I get to the only stop light between me and the highway that actually works before 6 in the morning and it is red. Still red...c'mon it has been 3 minutes and that dumb light is still red?!?!?! I take a look at the time, and decide I am going to work around the light. I start reversing the car, and the light changes...yep, should have told me how this day was going to go.

I arrive at the airport terminal at 5:27 am. I look at the line waiting for security.......maybe it won't be so bad. Thankfully, TSA opened up another gate. I got through security by 5:43 am, only to find out my gate was WAY at the end of the terminal. I walked, quickly, through the airport and got to the gate as they were calling my boarding group. WHEW...no worries!!! Heading to Miami and there will not be delays out of there, so I should get to my final destination without a problem.

Landing at Miami International airport, I check my phone as we are taxing to the gate. A message from my mother, "your airline called and said your flight out of Miami was canceled. They have you re-booked." WHAT? Canceled?!?! That is way worse than delayed. Oh my, what am I going to find when I get off of this plane?

I get to the customer service counter and kindly ask what flight I have been booked on. Answer, we have you booked on a flight to Hartford (BDL) tomorrow morning. Ummm, excuse me - is there anything out today? Well, we could put you on a flight to San Juan which has a connecting flight to BDL at 7:00 pm. But, {there is always a but when I travel} so far everything into and out of BDL has been canceled. HA! Needless to say, I didn't feel like getting stuck in Puerto Rico...hard to explain on an expense report. I am a problem solver I will figure something out. LaGuardia...flights are being canceled and the ones that are not are full. JFK...full of passengers originally destined for LGA, and delayed! Boston...we all remember how much I love Logan International right (and the fact I got smacked there)??? Yeah, my boss said no way is he allowing me to fly into Boston and drive down to Bridgeport, CT. Too dangerous. Hmmmm -- thats like all the airports that are within driving distance that have flights out of Miami.

Miami is sunny, 70 degrees. I was on standby for the flight tomorrow...did I really want to be stuck in Miami for possibly 2 days? The weather in CT doesn't look so hot for the traveler in me (you know the one: delays, cancellations). So, I re-booked a flight back to St Louis.

Yep, thanks for the Frequent Flyer Miles! I spent 6 hours in the air today...and didn't get anywhere. DOES THAT HAPPEN???? I mean I have been on same day trips, but there is usually a business meeting or something. Is it just me that can get on an airplane and end up where she started without accomplishing anything, not even a picture? Travel FAIL!!!!!

Yes, once again Hello I am the unluckiest traveler EVAH ;)

Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Belief

I had therapy today and we did an exercise that sorta blew my mind. I mean, I know that I have deep feelings about situations and I know that there is stuff going on in there....but I did not realize it was just as out of whack as it is.

I am such a mess!!!!!

So, B (the therapist) got out a piece of paper and put headers on it. Situation. Thoughts. Feelings. We went through a situation that makes me uncomfortable and really looked at it...I have issues! Oh, I already told you that...

The situation -- Church (yeah, you read that right. Going to church is not easy for me). I described what happens after dropping Doodles off at Sunday School...I took B through it step by step. From walking down the hallway to sitting in Bible Study.

The thoughts -- 1- (walking to class) if I keep my head down no one will talk to me; 2- (arriving into the class) if I sit in the back of the class and start reading my Bible maybe no one will approach me; 3- (when someone approaches me) if I open to them it is just one more person who I will let down, just one more person who ends up disappointing me, if I have any sort of interaction with this person I will just be a burden; 4- (sitting next to the door) I will be able to escape as soon as possible; 5- put a smile on and no one will look any closer

The feelings -- anxious (1,2,4,5), dread (2,3,5) , fear (2, 3,5), sad (1,3,5)

The next step is to put a Header up that says Belief. Thinking about what may be a good thing to tell myself when those hard thoughts take over. We tried to do this in the session, but I couldn't come up with anything...I couldn't come up with a positive thought to tell myself while I am having all of this stuff going on. Ya wanna know what I was thinking looking at that paper...what kind of person is sad at church? What kind of person looks for the escape route? THOSE questions that flew through my brain are just more of the negative that I heap upon myself.

So, I have a new tool that B wants me to put into use when I am going into a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it is a good thing. I understand how it can help a person really get in touch with their feelings over certain situations. I have a better understanding of all of that tension and all of those emotions that I feel about church. I think if I can understand, maybe I can go places and not feel all stressed out and anxious about where I am going and who I may see.

Beyond that, we talked about trust and walls...it was overall a good appointment. The good news is that I no longer feel stagnant; I feel as if I am moving forward, slowly maybe but still moving.

Need

As children our needs are basic; a place to play, food, drink, clothes, love and mommy/daddy to kiss the boo boos. Our needs expand and change as we get older.

Need is such a complicated emotion for me. It is so hard for me to admit my need. I have heard from a young age that I was strong, that I could handle whatever was thrown at me. Needing another person was something that has been pushed aside. I was a teenager when I learned not to lean on others. I was 3o before I finally felt that gut-wrenching feeling of needing another human being. I am almost positive that I never told that person that I needed friendship, needed to not be a burden, needed to not feel worthless, needed that person to just be there. It may not have changed a thing, but the thing about holding feelings in is the 'what if' that makes a person wonder.

Robert Henri said "Cherish your own emotions and never undervalue them". I am so guilty of undervaluing my own emotions, and believing that no one wants to know what is in my heart. People want to believe the facade. It is so much easier to look at me, and believe that I am living the dream. That I have very few, if any, problems. It is a much more simplistic outlook to take the book and just read the cover; what's inside the book may be complicated and messy. Maybe if I learn how to embrace and cherish my own emotions it would be easier to share them with others.

I guess, until then I will live with the what ifs in my life.

Leters of Intent - the headache version

Dear HR,

When we have a change in our policy that is going to affect prescription medications, it would be appreciated if you could give us a heads up. I know it is not up to you to ensure that we get our medications in a timely fashion, but my attendance is of some importance to you, my boss and me. Thanks for that!!!!

Sincerely,
the girl with the headache

Dearest Insurance Company:

When a doctor calls and gives the prior authorization for a medication, do you think that you can turn that around in a timely manner? These are MEDICATIONS!!! I don't mind spending your money, but I really don't want to waste time in the emergency room.

Sincerely,
member with a headache that is only getting worse

Oh so tired...

I am so tired today. It is as if someone unplugged me and the battery has run out....I have gotten slower and slower as the day has gone on. Not helping is the headache that my body has tried valiantly to fight is getting stronger as the minutes pass. I would like to send a very special thank you to my insurance provider, without whom I may have been able to get my prescription refilled in a timely fashion and I may not have this headache.

UGH, what a very special surprise that was this week. UMMMMM, you need a prior authorization to fill this medicine that you have been getting for the last 2 years. New plan year in effect, take a deep breathe, calm....seriously!!!!! Well, hmm good news is I don't leave for my business trip until Tuesday, maybe I will have it by then. Bad news is that my weekend will be so fun-filled.....NOPE, not gonna stand up to em I am so going into the emergency room. Take that insurance company!

I did go and get Doodles some mid-term you are doing awesome in school presents. I KNOW Christmas was a few weeks ago...but I try to do something in the middle of the school year and at the end - as long as the kid is getting good grades (don't giggle, first graders get grades, sorta). Doodles got his report card and he is well above where he should be in reading and in math. Yay! The only place for concern is his behavior in music class...."it's too loud mommy". Well, I don't know what to do about it except talk to him about doing better and making good choices. With his ear problem and that pesky autism thing hanging over his head noise is an issue -- more so the ear problems I think, since there is still no definitive answers on the Aspergers. Anyways, I got him 2 video games for his DSi. In a few more grades it will be cash for grades now won't it. I will get the shopping in while I can. (HA! I laughed at that considering shopping and I are not on the best terms).

I am still on the exercise track. Not running very far, but my knee has not given out. The lungs are still burning like crazy from the cold.......I need to run inside until this spring HEHEHE But hey, two weeks and I haven't given up yet....well today is a no show --- way too tired. Still, go me! :)

Burden

SIGH.........burden. Six letters, not a big word, not a particularly hard word until you say it out loud. It gets to be an even bigger word when you are asked if you feel as if you are a burden; if you feel as though when you go into therapy you are burdening someone...and because you promised yourself you would be honest you reply in the affirmative.

Words. The tongue is the strongest muscle in the body. Those words take root. If they are words of kindness and love they take root, grow, flower and strengthen a person. When they are words of ugliness those words take root, grow thorny bushes of pain that weaken.

Actions. What a person does backs up those words. Cultivating the garden of a heart, a mind, a soul....friend, spouse, child. Actions help those flowers of love grow and strengthen or they reinforce the growth of vine and thorns.

Burden. Such a hopeless, horrible feeling. Knowing that this is how you have been viewed. Fearing being viewed like this again. Better to have everyone at arms length. Best to have others ask for your assistance and not ask for anything. Keeping the tears and the pain inside.

Strength. Such confidence when defending others. So strong and sure that everyone else is worthy, kind, wonderful...so willing to stand up for them. So unwilling to stand up for yourself for fear of bothering someone.

Call Me Crazy, and You are...

So, ya know how a therapist will tell you never to call someone crazy or insane or some other term that may be construed as derogatory???? I am certifiable!!!! Pick up the phone, type it out or just think it but this girl has hoped off the train and has made her homestead in crazy town. Seriously, I think I may be running for Mayor by the time its all said and done!!!

I had orientation and the first class today. Oh yeah....the Communications Cluster is done first to see who can hang and who can't. OMG, what did I get myself into? Am I going to be able to do this with everything else that I have going on? PSSSSHHHHH, Whatev....of course I can hang. I live in crazy town!

FOCUS...that is what I am going to tell myself. Focus. I have a supportive boss at work who wants this degree out of the way as quickly as I do. Doodles is supportive, well as supportive as he can be with as much as he understands. I CAN DO THIS....I am already crazy, what's a little more insanity but a little added dash of fun, right?

So....it's ok, it's all right, you can call me Crazy!!!! Nicetameetcha..... :)

Back to School

Ok, so I am going back to school.....yeah, Yay me and higher education and all that. I promise this is the only time I will do this to you! My first assignment. Be harsh, let me know if I am going to fail miserable. I can take it. Trust me our government is much harder on me than any of you can ever be!

Life Saving

Reading, writing, one is for pleasure and the other is a necessity of life. At least that is what I always thought. Who would have guessed that these two basics of life would combine to become life saving techniques?

I learned to read at a young age. I fell in love with reading and with books. From the excitement of the second grade ‘special’ reading group to taking my son to the library, there is nothing about books or reading that I do not like. As an adolescent instead of losing myself in awkwardness I lost myself in books. It was books that helped me through the gracelessness of my preteen years and into my outgoing high school years. It was reading that assisted me through the rough patches of my early adulthood. Reading, something I thought I would only do for pleasure ended up being a safety net in my personal life.

My personal life is not the way I always imagined it would be. As my life has gone on I have lost myself in the safety that books provide, but stories end. When those stories end, there is an entire world out there and a life to live. My life overwhelms me at times. There was a day in the late ‘90s that I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know where to turn to, so I picked up a pen and I started to write. I wrote and wrote and wrote. I wrote about things that I thought I had recovered from. I wrote about fears that if anyone knew about would be so embarrassing. I wrote about things no one is supposed to know about me. I wrote about the horror that my life had turned into. When I was done I was exhausted, but there was a feeling of relief. The feeling of wanting to end my life was no longer at the forefront of my mind. I continue to write almost every day. Writing ended up saving my life, and continues to be one of the techniques I use to save my life.

Writing is one of those things that I had always dreaded. Using the proper pronouns, coming up with adjectives, remembering the rules about prepositional phrases, or proper punctuation…none of these things were high on the list of best school memories. Proofing, reading, and writing are every day skills that have come to mean so much to me. “Learn as much by writing as by reading” is a quote that I once read by Lord Acton as I was browsing the internet. I have always thought that writing was just something that had to be done for school or for work and reading is how a person learns. I was so wrong in thinking that. I learned so much about myself, I continue to learn about myself through my writing. I still lose myself in my books. My most precious memories these days are the times spent cuddled up with my son reading to each other. But, I have learned to respect how powerful it is to use writing as a therapeutic technique. I may struggle with my technical writing abilities and there have been times when I cannot think of the right words. Writing may have been just something I had to do at one time, but I have come to enjoy it almost as much as I adore reading.

Musicology

Music means a lot to me. Reading allows me to hide behind a story. Writing allows me to purge those things that are inside myself and find a sense of relief. But music, it lifts me up. It touches me and it makes me feel emotions that are actually healthy....novel I know. When I am having a case of the blahs (yeah I know ya all thought that name up there meant talk, talk, talk - I guess sorta, but it more points to the blahs hit me 3 times harder than I would like) I look into my CD collection for something uplifting. Sometimes its hip hop, sometimes pop...but most of the time I will pull out Josh Groban. I know, that stuns ya doesn't it??? I can hear your thoughts...has anyone told this chic to look at the Mariah or all the flippin Eminem on this blog?!?!?! But seriously, Josh Groban's voice punches ya right in the heart and holds it. Sometimes it makes you smile and sometimes the emotions overwhelm a girl. I was listening to his new CD on the plane ride home and with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Post from the other day, a 2 year old asserting her point of view, my case of whiney this week this song hit me.





And then....I heard a song for the first time that blew me away. I had tears in my eyes. Not from being sad....but from I don't know how to describe all the emotions that this song brings out. It is called War At Home. It is so not what I expected.......we all have our battles: illness, fertility, psychological disorder, friends/family away at war, storm damage and so many others big and small that we or someone in our family deal with (which means we get to deal with it). We all fight our wars at home, and it doesn't matter if we get knocked down we dust ourselves off and fight another day. My favorite line in this song is, "Through the void of silence you are not alone. You see these hands they're a million strong, they are yours now. Hold on love we're all going down."




So, my bloggie friends...my hands may be bruised from my war at home but I am here for ya if you need anything!!!!!

I'mma Bonehead

Yeppers...I deleted it. I should never have posted that. I know better than to let my wounds bleed all over like that. Yes, I know what this blog is for; yes, I know the value of pouring your heart out......but there are times when it is best to let the wounds close, at least a little bit. It was a sleepless night filled with tears and I got up and went to the computer to wrote. About the only thing I did right was to not put R's email address in the to box and hit send. What I did wrong was to forget...I am so used to thinking that there is no one there when my world gets to big. That is so wrong! I know there is someone out there who I could have sent that vent, whine, spew, whatever that was....I could have sent that to her and she would not have minded. I was wrong in forgetting.

I grab the hearts that are entwined on the necklace I wear so often. When I am in therapy, when Doodles is giving me a heard time and I am about to snap on his cute little butt, when people at work are....hmmm some days there are no words for the people I work with, bless their hearts. I grab those hearts and remember that there is someone out there who I can talk to if it all gets to much for me. Because in friendship sometimes a friend lifts the other up, sometimes a friend holds the other up but they are always intertwined and together...even if they are apart.

So, yeah I admit that there are times that I am the biggest of boneheads that forgets I am not alone. Maybe someday I will get used to it again......no promises though :)

Pumped

I have been invited to run 10 miles in October. OMG! I have not run more than 2 in soooooo long. I cherish this invitation....really, I do. So, I am gonna get pumped up and starting tomorrow I am going to be in the workout rooms at the hotel running -- or rather walking, jogging, dying...at least in the beginning. I am not going to take my knee brace! I am going to do this, and my knee will, WILL, get stronger and be able to sustain a long distance run without the brace. I'm pumped. No, really I am. I used to love running. It really is one of those addictive things. Once you begin, you just want to run every day. I used to do it as a stress reliever...go inside my own head, or outside it and forget everything.......just the footsteps pounding on the pavement.

Yes, I will take it slowly....working my way up. 1 mile at a time. If nothing else happens, and I do not get up to the 10 miles, I will lose some major pounds ;)

Round 2

DING...DING...DING...

January 17 I have an appointment with an attorney to begin the paperwork for the divorce. It can be easy or it can be hard. Its all up to him. Maybe, just maybe we will come to end of this drama.

"The person who makes a success of living is the one who sees his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That is dedication." ~Cecil B. DeMille

Whoever thought I would make divorce a goal...whoever thought divorce was a goal to be achieved....Bah, at least I am dedicated to it.

Holiday Break-up

In with a bang...ok, well not really a bang unless you count the very loud thump as I smacked it.

C'mon, just 1 more year! No, okay lets compromise!!! I am a reasonable human being, how about we give this just one more try. You give me a good solid 6 more months and then we will call it quits. I will never ask for anything else again...I will find you a nice, quiet place and take you there in a dignified manner. NO!!! FINE! I don't need you then and you can darn sure forget dignity. These last 7 years we have had some hard days....we have gone through some dirt, some grime, but we did it together! I was there for you through all the breaks, when you were tied up...it was ME who fixed you, who untangled you! And you have the unmitigated gall to do this to me on New Year's Day???? You cannot give me even 3 more months to work something out? To recover from the holidays???? You are cruel, some would even say inanimate. Blow up, don't work see if I care....maybe, just maybe I will turn to Dyson....oh yeah, you heard me! I said it. Maybe I have been planning it all along. I don't need you any longer, I will move on to a newer, better version of you. You are going in the TRASH!!!!!!

Yes my bloggie friends, I have just let you see a very emotional conversation that I had with my vacuum yesterday. I am emotionally drained...I don't know how I will recover from this break-up. But, I did get all the Christmas decorations put away......all I can say is at least vacuum didn't do this to me during spring cleaning. That damage would never be reversed :)

First large purchase of 2011...Vacuum. But what kind???? I have some shopping to do....I have a few weeks to make up my mind.

(my child is a nut job!! he is playing with the tie to my bathrobe -- his shirt, his tie, his sari, and numerous other things. Imagination run amok)

Goodbye 2010, Hello 2011

New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. - James Agate...a resolution I can get behind!!!!!

I do not make resolutions...I know, I am a party pooper extraordinaire! But hey, if I do something, I might as well excel at it!!! ;) But, in an effort to do something to usher out 2010 and say hello to 2011, I would like to clean out my child's room....or rather the cave of toys where I happen to make him sleep. He has so many things that he does not play with! There is Thomas the Train® set (who he just HAD to have...we played with it maybe 3/4 times and it is in a bag in the back of the closet), the Weebles® Treehouse (once much loved but now not played with in forever), an unopened -- yes UNOPENED -- truck carry case with cars that is just sitting in the back of the closet (he has more cars than he can count so seriously I think we can downsize), a Black and Decker® tool table set thingy, and more. I don't know if he has just outgrown these things or what (and with the new DSi®...even more will be shoved to the back of the closet, trust me), but I have got to do something!!!! {yeah I walked in the closet to put the new clothes away and stubbed my toe, time to clean}. Not only that, but the old clothes are being taken out of that closet too!!!

So, by the end of February the cave will be cleaned out. Not sure what I am going to do with it all yet......its a good resolution and not one that will be broken LOL

Home

Home is where...well, it's where I am at the moment. I don't know that I have a place that I consider a home. My home is wherever Doodles is. That sounds trite, and shah right!!! But, yeah its true.......wherever that kid is I'm happy. I think it's because I learned a long time ago not to get attached to a physical place - not abode or city. I am very comfortable in the metro area in which I live, and love it; but, if my job told me to move tomorrow I probably could without too much heartache. Hassle, yes, TONS of hassle...but heartache not so much. (that's sad...but eh, whatever)

Anyway, I got home and Doodles had a set of Roald Dahl books and I had the most aweSOME hoodie waiting for me!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! and, I guess I have another 'date' tomorrow night, unless something comes up. Yep, been talking to this boy for a little over 2 months and have not gone out on a 'date' because something always comes up - usually it's me, but last time it was him...once again eh if we go out we go out. Its not like its going to be anything but friends until I get this divorce thing finalized.....

Which brings me to the new year. A says he will pay to do the divorce since I paid last time (no, not holding my breathe -- for the divorce drama you can see here, here, here and here). But, he wants to do some funky stuff with custody and....well he is gonna make me scream so instead of a nice friendly divorce its gonna be UGLY! I don't want it to, but if he does not pull head out of, well ya know, it just is not going to be easy.

Ok, gonna go beat up on my kiddo for awhile for pretend burpin in my ear. Seriously, I wanted a boy.........what was I thinking. (Girls are sweet, and not gross, and always do as they are told -- that is my view don't spoil it HA!)

The I Wants...and aliens

My child has always been a content child. He has never really been one to want things, or rather to say I want this or I want that. Going through a store with him is pretty easy as far as those things go...he may see a ball or book or something and mention it but it is only once and then that's the end of it. At the end of the shopping trip if I have extra money and he has been good more often than not he will get the little item he had mentioned, otherwise we leave the store and go on with our lives.

That was our past...something happened when he turned 7. I do not know what, I do not know why, and I am not entirely sure but aliens may be involved somehow. Hey, its a theory! Anyways, for the last month I have been hearing the phrase "I WANT" come out of that child's mouth for everything. I believe yesterday he wasn't even paying attention, but a commercial came on and it was "I want that" and I was oh really, you would like that type of toilet paper??? His response, oh mommy don't be silly I thought it was a toy commercial. UGH!!!! He hasn't even been picky about gender specific toys -- "I WANT".

Wait, is anyone getting the feeling that the I Wants are driving me a little insane??? Oh , wellllll...ya know.....maybe a little bit. I cannot even really tell what is a true I want any more or a I want because that is what a kid is supposed to say when a toy commercial comes on.

Thankfully, the aliens have not totally taken over because his Christmas wish list was approximately 4 items long. When I got it I did sarcastically ask about all of the "I wants" and he replied that he really only wants what is on his list, the other stuff if just toys and he has lots of those. (I wanted to take his round little head in my hands and say look kid than stop with the I want...but instead I took his round little head in my hands and gave him a loud sloppy kiss). Anyone want to bet with me that I will hear at least 4 "I wants" tomorrow?????

Clean Driver

I just cannot wait to shout it to the world...to the whole, wide world!!! CLEAN DRIVER, right here!!! What, you thought I was talking about that whole writing thing I had to do this morning??? Dude, who cares about that when your insurance company sends you the most wonderific email ever. Yes, I would kiss, hug, bow before, cook for -- wait lets not get crazy I cook for no one! But If that insurance guy was close I would probably kiss him! Yo, no one mess with me or my driving abilities! I am a clean driver!!!!!!! Do you know what that means? Yes, insurance rates drop low, low, low... OK ALREADY...yeah it means I totally talked all of those police, wonderful, beautiful, nice, kind, policemen out of giving me tickets.... DUDE, can you please stop it....alright yes it means I will probably get a ticket on the way to pick Doodles up from school. But for right now, as of this minute I am a CLEAN DRIVER so there!

Yeah, writing went fine. I will be able to take 9 credits of communications next quarter - yay me. See all that enthusiasm? It is bursting out of me LOL

The Weekend Review

There is still no Blankie....but there is a new resident named Moose. (Yeah, the names are original....the stuffed dog is well, puppy...the stuffed cat is ummm kitty, the bigger stuffed dog is fuzzy and now the moose is moose. My kid is awesome with the namin, it saves on MY confusion!!!!) :)

The weekend was pretty awesome. Let me give you a cast of characters so you can follow along:

Doodles (we all know him by now since he stars in my stories often)
lil brother - my friends son
sister - my friends daughter
Friend - my friend
me/I - well that would be me, seriously this is not hard LOL

Saturday after cleaning, Doodles and I sat down and watched a Tinkerbell (I don't remember which one) for like the 3 millionth time. And then we watched some other random show on TV...because MOMMY, I didn't watch any TV allllllllll week long, can't we please....pretty please with mashed potatoes on top??????? I believe whatever was on NickJr was on my TV...I read a book. Once bedtime came we discover the missing blankie -- I do plan on tearing the house apart to find this blankie....now possibly I should let it stay gone but.....well we will get to it.

Sunday we went to church....the Pre-K/K Sunday School class sang to us before service. TOO CUTE!!!! Doodles actually behaved pretty well so it was off to Friend's house to hang out for the day. We had lunch and then Lil Brother, Doodles, me and Friend went to the Science Center to check out the Grossology exhibit while Sister stayed home to study. Uhhhhh, yeah very apropos name. Doodles is so adorable it kills me, and Lil Brother is...well one of the best kids on the planet!!! The interacted so well. We walked through part of the Science Center when we were done and the two of them held hands. It was so darn cute. We spent an inexplicable amount of time at the mummified baby and Doodles was way into the interactive look at it....maybe he will be an archaeologist or something. After that we went to Our Lady of Snows Shrine for dinner with Friend and Sister (Lil Brother stayed at home for this part of the adventure). There were animals to pet, that licked me EWWWW, Sister and Doodles feed them (there was these really cute alpacas or whatever that were so not photogenic -- pretty funny), singing (that in Doodles words was annoying, but was actually very pretty), some amazing Kettle Corn, Dinner and then the Way of Lights which is sooooo pretty!!! Then on the way out Friend did a donation which is where Moose came from. Such a good day and Doodles loves Friend and her entire family so much!!! It is so adorable how they interact...my shy, don't touch me kid is anything but with them.

This morning I allowed him to sleep until he woke up on his own. Maybe a mistake....I told him to get dressed so I could take him to daycare (I really do have to work, after my meeting at the college) and we had a global meltdown. I don't know what that was all about, but possibly he needed his blankie to calm him. So yes I will be tearing this house apart to see if I can find it. If not we will just learn to live without and hope that somehow the memory that boy has forgets about blankie (of course he remembers the silliest things from years ago......) HELP!!!! :)

Now, I am off to prepare for my writing comp "test". Wish me luck.

Oh, BTW -- no new boy meeting. I know M has been wondering. We had a plan, he made other plans, no big deal. I am pretty content with the way things are running right now.

Helper

Doodles helped me finish wrapping presents this morning. He was the 'taper'. Man are those presents taped up. Maybe not securely, but they have plenty of tape on them!

He also helped me clean. I will clean the living room on Monday after I take him to daycare. I love it when he helps me, but why do all of his toys have to come out of his room????? things that make a Mommy go HMM.

Whilst cleaning the kitchen he discovered candy and decided that he should have some......yeah, we are done now. It's movie time.

Tomorrow we are going to see the lights and spend time with friends. I hope ya'll have a wonderful weekend.

UPDATE....I have an important announcement to make. We have a missing blankie on our hands. It looks just like this (the only difference is the child's bigger and its much more EWWW cuz it just doesn't come clean any more):



Yes, he has had it for that long...so you can understand the issue! Blankie, please report back IMMEDIATELY!!!!

Thanks and Praise

Dear Heavenly Father...

If You would take a moment, and I know You will because You always do for some odd reason, I want to thank You. You have blessed me in so many ways and I often get lost in life to forget to give thanks for the abundance of blessings. You have given me a tremendous amount of strength, and always provide an angel in the form of a friend for me to lean on when I feel at a loss.

You have given me the pleasure of seeing this beautiful creation that we live on in so many different ways...from the air, from the land, through my eyes, through the eyes of others, and most importantly through the eyes of my child. It is so gorgeous and I feel so blessed to be able to see so much of what was created.

I have been blessed with the most amazing child to care for, teach and love. He surrounds me with so much love and it takes my breath away.

I do not deserve the blessings You continually give me...but I thank You and know that You know that I try my very best.

Santa is Coming....

...and I am ready. Prepared. Donzo!!!! But not without a small amount of difficulty. I dislike going with the obvious, but this year the boys in my life were so difficult!!!! Well, ok not all the boys....Doodles was easy! But I guess he doesn't count cuz he writes a letter to Santa. And I knew for certain I was getting my friends oldest a gift card. But all the other boys - UGH! So, obvious choices all around for them. Oh I wish they could all be girls where even if you get stuck you can walk into any mall and pick up a bag...Guess, Coach, Dolce & Gab (my personal fav), Michael Kors, Juicy Korture...yep any one and they are all so cute this fall!!!!! But, the girls were kinda easy.

Anyways, I am done and am almost done wrapping. Happy last weekend before Christmas.

Exhibit A

I try to be a nice girl. I try to stay to myself. What? Why? C'MON!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE HECK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS????????????

Exhibit 1....Screaming child less than 10 feet behind me. Now I have dealt with a screaming child before and I am good at it.......BUT, I am at an airport. In my gate. Getting ready for a 4 and a half hour flight. Need I go on???

Exhibit 2...I am sitting on the floor away from everyone! Endless empty chairs to choose from. Stinky guy comes with his lunch. Eats. Chomps LOUDLY. Pulls out phone. Talks with mouth full. Uber Gross!!!! (and I have a boy child)

Exhibit 3....There has got to be 10 flights from Seattle to St Louis. My gate has got to have 15 children from the ages of 7 weeks to 4 years old. Have I mentioned 4 and a half hour flight???? I am going to be enclosed in an airplane with no where to go with 15 children....3 of who are now screaming at the top of their lungs. (would it be bad form to scream with them????)

Exhibit 4....see exhibit 2, that guy just passed the most disgusting gas ever. And when I say that it's pretty bad considering I have 2 older brothers and a father who taught those brothers a thing or 2.

The Issue/What I Did....I forgot to ask for Noise Cancelling Headphones for Christmas and I failed to buy them for myself :-)

Halfway There

My week has been amazing! I have heard so much about Seattle weather I prepared myself for some crazy torrential rain...but beyond a slight misty rain yesterday morning (which M and I braved and conquered) I have been very let down Seattle! Where is the Pineapple Express??? Where is the rain???? Where is all those dreary rainy days I am expecting??? Oh well, much like the horrible St Louis Metropolitan area winters sorta reside in the heads of those people that live there (seriously, winter is snow, ice and cold for longer than a month but don't tell them that they would FREAK)....we will allow the Seattle folk to believe that this is the rainiest, grayest area on the face of the earth (I saw sun every day -- shhhhhhh, it's ok we won't tell them that).

Now, my kiddos week has not been that spectacular from what I gather. There was an incident at school that I heard about via text...mmmm hmmmm....so I sent a message to his teacher. Here is her response:

"Basically, I went behind the cubby wall that’s in our classroom to get some paper and a student had said “We have no teacher.” {Doodles} preceeded to say, “Let’s trash the place!” and “Let’s break everything!” When I came from behind the wall I let {Doodles} know how disappointed I was that he would say/think something like that. I then asked him to pull his card and he began to pout and stomp his feet. Today however, I gave the whole class several warnings during calendar to stop shouting out and next person who did would pull a card. Several minutes later {Doodles} shouted out and he pulled his card. Again stomping around. I let him know if he continued to stomp, he’d be on yellow. But he continued anyway and as of right now is on yellow. He served his -5 minutes of recess today. let me know if you have any more questions."

Really Doodles!!!! So, Mommy-time...I called A and told him that I needed to speak to our son today and would be done with training by 4 Pacific time. We talked and once the conversation was done he assured me he would behave the rest of the week. He agrees that it is not appropriate behavior and it will never happen again.........

OK, so I am traveling a great deal in Feb and Mar....A needs to pull his Daddy card out of where ever he has it stored and be able to parent!!! He called/sent me text messages two different days telling me how ridiculous the behavior was. Yeah, hello parent the child! Not just with negative, but with positive reinforcement too. You'll get farther. UGH.

Knowledge :)

I learn something new Every. Single. Day.!!! Now, I know that I am in a training class today and I am supposed to be learning today but thats neither here nor there. This is about Sea-Tac...I was under the assumption (yes I know that they say) that it was the Seattle - Tacoma area International Airport.......HUH! Nope, there is a little town called SeaTac. I am amazed!!! AMAZED I tell ya!!!!!!!!!

Vindicated....I am at the airport today (thursday 12/16) and as I was driving in the sign says Seattle Tacoma Area International Airport! Booyah. SeaTac, obviously you sprang up as a town because people are too lazy to drive to work LOL

Seattle

I flew into Seattle yesterday and spent the afternoon with M. I cooked...yeah I remember how to do that. :) Then today M and I spent the day in Seattle. Pike's Market, Space Needle...Seattle is beautiful! A lil chilly today, but I had an awesome time with wonderful company. (Bonus I found some perfect presents....I think I am pretty much done woooo hoooo) Tomorrow I head off to training and home on Thursday! Thursday evening I am supposed to meet with new boy. Hmmmm, busy week but a good one!!!!