The Mommy-vent

Why does it seem that the days when you are the most emotionally drained that things do not go as planned? Doodles is throwing a fit as we speak. I have no patience for it.

I made him get in the bath at 7:30. I have been telling him to get washed up since 8:01. Finally at 8:31, I put my foot down. At 8:47 he comes into my room asking if he can skip teeth so he can watch TV. I tell him no, he wouldn't be watching TV anyway because of the time. To which he starts whining, why didn't you remind me. AHHHHH! I tell him to go get his teeth brushed and he storms out of my room in tears. Not just tears, but an all out crying fit! I stormed after him, told him that he was grounded from TV for the weekend and brushed his teeth myself! There will be no crying in this house about the damn television!!!! He is not allowed to watch that much TV anyway. And he knows how I feel about him crying about it. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! I do not know what goes on at his father's house, but here....no, just no way in hades is that child throwing a fit about the TV.

Did I go overboard....probably, its his bad luck that he caught me on a day when I have a headache from to many emotions. He best hope he stops muttering "radio" loud enough so I can hear it in the next 3 minutes or I am going to fly into a rage.

End mommy-vent.

Marriage, the long story

I have given you the short story, but since it is all fresh it is time to come clean and be open with you about my marriage. I would love to tell you a story about birds singing, butterflies, happiness and happily ever after but this is where I am honest. The thing to remember is I am so blessed - I have Doodles and I have an inexplicable ability to forgive, that is my gift.

He walked in one Sunday afternoon shortly before closing and I asked if I could help him find anything. He wanted something new to listen to so I suggested a few new bands that had come out. He bought them and I kicked him out of the store, we were closing and I was nothing if not in a hurry to get home. I was 18. He came back a few weeks later and one of the guys asked if I was going to have another one (i had a stalker, it was bad but got taken care of). I shrugged and waited to see if he was going to come into the store with his friend. They did and he asked me to go out bowling with them, I was going to say no but they convinced me by telling me 2 of my friends from the mall I worked at were going.

We were seeing each other for a few weeks and I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was planning on staying that way until my wedding day. I would understand if that was not something he was interested in and if he didn't want to pursue a relationship knowing the limitations on the intimacy. He said he was ok with it and we continued to see each other. My birthday came and went. At the end of April he asked me to meet him at his place. I said ok; when I got there we sat to watch a movie. I asked where everyone was. He told me that they all canceled at the last minute, it was just the two of us. I was uncomfortable, but it was just a movie. He started messing with me and I told him I was not comfortable with that and asked him to stop. One thing lead to another and he did not stop. I kept saying no and he kept going. I was crying and pushing...he pushed back until my virginity was no more. He rolled away from me and I got up, pulled my clothes on and went home in shock.

He called me the next day and told me that I could be pregnant. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that my beliefs told me that I had to marry him now. I couldn't deny anything he said. Inside it was as if I had deflated...all I could think was he is right, if I do not stay with him I am a whore. Every time I found out I was not pregnant he pushed himself on me. For almost a year I lived this way. Until Feb when we had the accident.

I finally started to think in that hospital room. I almost lost my life...I am worth more than this! No one will think I am a whore because I was raped, no one needs to know I was raped...I had sex with one man! I am going to be fine. I need to break free of this. I was gaining strength inside. But, getting out of the hospital......that was another fine mess.

As soon as I started physical therapy he moved up to Wisconsin in with my parents. I stayed in Illinois to complete my therapy and to pack our stuff. We were moving. When I arrived in Wisconsin I was busy trying to find a job and get on my feet. June came and my mom and him sat me down and told me the wedding was planned and paid for all I had to do was go buy a dress. My mom was taking me that next weekend. Wait, I told you that I wanted to postpone this...possibly cancel. Why is this planned???? Paid for???? So, I was swept along from recovering from my accident (did I mention I almost died) to getting married in 6 months.

About a month after my little sister and I were talking and she told me about him and my older sister. What did they do? They had sex while we lived in Illinois? OMG!!!! I am married to him. I cannot do anything about this now.

He continued to force me to be with him. I was his wife and I did my wifely duty. It was not good. About a year into my marriage someone came into our apartment and forced himself on me. This man had a knife and it was so scary. Turned out that this was one of his "friends" from the bar. Oh, he was liking the big city life. Awhile after that traumatic incident, he forgot to pick me up at work. I was working in a little town about 8 miles from our town. The walk was down a country highway that was not at all busy in the middle of the night. I worked second shift. After work I tried to get in touch with him to no avail. Everyone was gone so I walked. About halfway home this car started creeping behind me. I walked faster, I ran. The man ran after me, tackled me in a corn field. He had his face covered so I do not know who it was. The next morning he asked me how my walk home was. I will never know if he was behind it, but I believe that he was in the car. After this I became very obsessed with STDs. I went everywhere to get tested. I paid out of pocket. It was insane! Until my doctor calmed me down and told me she would test me yearly.........I still get tested. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable knowing that this didn't do physical damage.

Anyway...I put him through college. I found a job that I enjoyed. When he got out it was supposed to be my turn to go back to school. When he noticed that I was starting to get friends, enjoying my job he announced that we were moving. I didn't have a choice!!!! He had already quit his job and found a new one. For years we moved every time I got comfortable in a place until we landed in the St Louis Metro area.

Here I got a good job. One I ended up loving. I was gaining courage and strength, friends. He noticed and that is when he told me it was ok for us to have a child. My one wish. After Doodles was born, he was the backbone I needed. There was only one more act of sexual abuse in our relationship and I put my foot down. There will be no more abuse in that household. As the days went by I became more and more frightened. When was he going to snap?

One day he came home and told me he would never touch me again, threw his wallet (at me or the table, you decide) and went to bed. I looked and inside was a receipt for a hotel room for the night before. He obviously didn't sleep. I put it on the table for when he woke up. Later that day I pointed to it and he said he was seeing someone else and he would never touch me again. He was not going to have me freaking out again. {for as crappy of a husband/man as he was he at least had enough respect for me to not touch me when he was with someone else}. I put up with it...he was respecting me and our child needed a father, even if it was only so so. I put up with it until he quit his job as an engineer and started working at the bar full time. I put up with it until I couldn't pay the bills any longer because he was not giving me his paychecks.

I told him that I was done. Adultery is the one reason that my faith gives me to divorce him. I had put up with it for almost 2 years and now I am done. I cannot pay our bills and that is ridiculous. He left and moved in with his girlfriend leaving me with a house payment, the car that was not paid off and all of the outstanding bills. The house was foreclosed on...I didn't even get all of our stuff moved out before they locked it up. I declared bankruptcy because it was impossible to pay for everything that was left sitting in my lap. That shames me...I am self-sufficient, but I just couldn't!

My marriage was not pretty, but for 12 years I put on a happy face for the public and I danced the dance of perfection. On my 15 year wedding anniversary I finally was able to file my divorce papers with the courts....yes, it took 2 almost 3 years for him to agree to sign the paperwork to legalize letting me go. And he only did once I agreed to move closer to him and away from where I was comfortable. Control until the very end....and beyond.

Yes, I forgave everything that happened and I can now see why I agreed to go on that first date. I can remember what a nice person he was He violated my body but he never really violated what really matters. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to forgive.

There is more...but 15 years is a lot of stuff. This covers most of the bad and the ugly.

Can't you just snap out of it???

Depression, a mood disorder that is understood by so many...it is just an overwhelming feeling of sadness, isn't it? It is a conversation that I will have to have with my son someday. I know this, and I have thought about how to describe what depression truly is, not what some clinician writes in a book about it - I will provide him with those too...but try to define it in the best way possible so there can be a sense of understanding for him. Among people who have this disorder there is but one commonality that I have found when talking to others (beyond the sadness) and that is the darkness. Other than that it affects everyone in a different way. Some feel as if they are being chased. You have heard me talk about the feeling of drowning. Some feel trapped. The best way I know how to describe this thing that is labeled "depression" and everything it encompasses is to have you imagine the following scenario:

Picture a room with no windows, one door, the light switch is over near that door. Inside this room is a desk, chair, couch, tables, a lamp, computer...everything you need to work and spend a good portion of your time (keep in mind that there are breakable things on those tables and on that desk). It is a very comfortable place for you. Co-workers, friends, family....they all come into this room from time to time. Its every bit a home to you.

Now, that light bulb starts to dim. Slowly at first and you think you can fix it by screwing it in, by wiggling it, anything except taking it out and changing it...you can feel the darkness creeping in, but you will do anything to hold it off. All of a sudden the light bulb turns off and the door slams shut! At first you take a few steadying breathes and try to change the light bulb. Soon you discover that it is not working, so you get up to see if someone flipped the switch. By this time the tightness has started. As you get up to try to turn on the light you are told you have a hot project for work to complete. You try to focus and do that but the phone rings and you are told not to forget the responsibilities of your home life. All this time all you can think of is I need to turn on that light before someone notices. You begin to have bursts of emotions that you cannot control, you cry for no reason, Panic sets in.

With work and home by the time you get up to try to find that light switch in the pitch black the furniture has moved. You knock into the first table and it pushes you back and you get a little frustrated but know you need to try again. Wait, more work more responsibilities and you have got to remember not to break anything. By this time your friends and family and sometimes your co-workers have noticed what is going on. You try again; the room seems to have shifted on you and you are frightened and do not know what to do, you just want the light turned on. By this time the people in your life are in your head, sometimes in that room with you asking you "why don't you just turn the light on? C'Mon you can do this!!! It's right there just turn the light on." Fear, Panic, Desperation sets in. (don't forget all this time you are bursting into tears for no reason...or for some raging in unaccounted for anger and expected to keep up with your life and that of your significant other and children if you have any)

As well meaning as they are it scares you more, frustrates you more and makes you even more desperate. You start to turn in circles. You now have no idea which way you are facing, what is in front of you or if the room is in shambles - you know you have broken something. This irritates those people that do not understand and they tell you to snap out of it. Or the people that do understand become short with you and tell you just come on already, hasn't this lasted long enough. And that, that's when you give up. You just cannot do it any more. Because really, is it all worth it??? The constant nagging, the constant fear, the constant panic, the constant lack of understanding for what you are going through, the constant feeling that you are letting the people that care down, the constant frustration, AND ALL THAT CRYING!!!

Is It Worth It? Wouldn't it be better off if I was gone? Wouldn't everyone else be better off not worrying about me and my mess ups? Those are the questions that race through your mind and won't stop even for a few hours to let you sleep. Some people just sit in that darkness for a very long time because they have given up. Others commit suicide in order to escape that never ending darkness.

And then there are those that decide it is worth it and try again and again or reach out because they are the lucky ones. The lucky ones have someone who physically walks into that room to take them by the hand and lead them to the light switch. I used to have someone who sat right by that door and never let it slam shut. I always had a little ray of light shining into that room so I could eventually find my way. It was actually 2 someones and they understood I had to do it alone and I knew they were always there to help me find my way.

No one can turn that switch on for us. But, we can always use a lead to guide us...a life saving device...our own personal night light. No one is more afraid of the (figurative) dark than someone with depression.

Things I cannot say

I do not know how to TELL you or anyone the depths of my feelings. I cannot speak of them because of the tears that drown out my voice, the ocean of feelings that I stand in that threatens to drown me. I cannot open my mouth because I stand to deep, I will drown! The water in which I stand is just below my nose; I feel as if I take even one quick deep breath it will be over. I have tried to swim out of this, I hear all of you!!! It surrounds me and it does not get any more shallow, it does not subside...I have tried because I know the importance to all of you. But now, I stand frightened...stagnant...unable to move forward or back because I just do not know which way to go. I stand defeated but unable to surrender.

Let me write what I have been unable to SAY to anyone...

A child abuser, a spouse abuser who has no love in her heart with nothing but negativity and a bad attitude.

A bland, Christian, "weak-minded" girl who has unconditional love in her heart with nothing but an honest wish to believe whole-heartedly in something.

The abuser was preferred over the bland girl. The girl who wanted to believe in who he was, in a better life for him, in everything he said was expendable...only good for the sex and to be abused. Everything else that was said were words to string the gullible little fool along because that is what could be.

A monster is a better choice...on top of all of the other things that were said this cuts at me and makes me see that I truly am useless, worthless...........

Understanding, or Lack Of

I often wonder why the world is such a cruel place. There is so much beauty to be enjoyed, but it is often overpowered by the unkindness that surrounds it. I don't understand lack of compassion, lack of understanding, and the level of caring that people have for others around them. I do not understand abuse, violence or cruelty. As someone who has lived through it, I still do not understand it...I honestly do not know if that is a good thing or not.

Yesterday started surrounded by those others would so cruelly call "imperfect". Children and Adults on all ranges of the autism spectrum. There was so much beauty, kindness, understanding and love in that park. My day ended with a phone call with someone who others would very much look at at say he is as close to "perfect" as one can get. There was no compassion, there was no understanding...there was a man who didn't want to see beyond himself and wanted to talk about himself and the issues he has gone through since our last conversation. No, it was not the meanest conversation I have ever had, but it was hard, made harder still by the lack of understanding on his part.

So, I ask myself who is the judge of this perfection?? In my eyes, those children and adults with the overwhelming ability to love, understand and be compassionate are so much more perfect in the sense that are those not the qualities that we should all be striving for? Are those not the qualities that will end up making this world a better place?

I guess I just do not understand ugliness when I look in the face of an angel every single morning - even when he is throwing a temper tantrum or doing whatever it is a 6 (almost 7) year old does.

Opening Disaster

It was absolutely RUINED! I went to say hi to a friend, and walked past him. He told me he was going to move on, find a new job, make it so I could be in peace and once again find joy in the one thing I do for myself. LIES!!!! EXCUSES!!! That is all I know from this person who once told me that he doesn't make promises unless he can stand by them. I looked like a fool. I rushed to the ladies room, composed myself enough to make it back to my seat and practically ran back.

I called and left a message, because I am something of a coward telling him that I was shocked to see him still there. He promised...I then told him that I saw a job posted on my way home that he should look into. That was the last of my reserve...I burst into tears as I sat in my seat for the second period. Shaking uncontrollably. Unable to stop the flow of tears. OH who is that foolish girl sitting at the hockey game crying her eyes out???

The boys won the game in OT. Normally I would be very happy...maybe tomorrow. Today I am just drained.

But Mommy

This is a time in my life that I would like to come to a close please..................

waiting...............

possibly, you have not heard but I do not have a lot of patience so if we could just move this along and bring it all to a close I would like that...........no, well I guess I will impatiently wait some more then................

Well, we are waiting for this let me tell you what that child told me today (he has been mentioning a lot the last month or so...) We stopped by the store on the way home to pick up a few things for the weekend and I told him he could have PB&J for dinner. I said I would have a bite of his sandwich, and he tells me "see, you hardly eat anything."

OOOOO, OUCH! When did he get old enough to start noticing these things? I try to hide them from him but I am not doing to good of a job. I have to be more alert and pay more attention to hiding the depression better!!!!!

My Week...the good, bad, and hmmmm

It has been just a long week and it is only Wednesday. I am home this week, which is AWESOME! but with the various appointments to keep and work and neverending...

Work has been busy, but it is really going well. I am enjoying this job immensely. It is challenging and keeps me on the go which is all I really ask for. Procedures are being written and will be rolled out over the next few months throughout the companies and then we will move onto the next big task. It is very satisfying!!!!! But my laptop - UGH! The stupid cursor keeps jumping all over and I cannot figure out how to make it stop!!!!!! It selects text just because it is possessed....the UNDO button has become my BFF. It is so annoying.

Doodles went for a re-evaluation for his autism today with a different therapist. This therapist was absolutely awesome! She is not going to diagnose him one way or another, she is going to give it a few appointments. BUT, she sees no signs of ADHD and she is not seeing the autistic signs that would lead to that diagnosis. She believes he may have a Type A personality and have his own way of coping. The best thing about it was she actually listened when I told her I was uncertain about all of this because he could be reactive off of everything going on in my life. She totally agreed and she said that she doesn't want to send anything to school yet, but she might. She believes he was a target of a teacher that just wanted him medicated. He definitely does not need that. Doodles talked to her and interacted...she understood the only child, shy thing. I am DEFINITELY taking him back and going through additional testing with her. I KNEW he was being mis-diagnosed. Dr. E wants to really get to the bottom of things and if he is just Type A she is going to work with him on some coping skills. Always a good thing. I think this is the best thing EVAH!!! By the end of this he will be correctly diagnosed and will have coping skills no matter if it is autism or not. I feel good about it.

My therapy...the hypnosis is on hold. I was going to start on Monday, but "there was a block". So we talked and I need to go and talk to one or 2 more people before I am ok with doing this. The gist of it is I need to make sure this is in line with my spiritual beliefs. I haven't found anything in the Bible saying it's not, but I am going to consult with my Pastor and have a good long talk. This whole journey is about being healthy: mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. If I am not healthy in one way there will always be that whole in me.

Theraputic Hypnosis

I am starting a form a of therapy that some will not approve of...but I have spoken to a person who has been highly recommended to do this. In order for it to be successful I need to remove certain elements from this blog (and other places that I have kept information just in case). I am going to do "Memory Wash" hypnosis. I have been told that it will erase my memory of the events that happened and the person I want to forget. I will still have certain emotional scars, but the pain from them will be alleviated and I won't really know where they came from. It should make me more confident and back to my outgoing personable self. I am not a big fan of forgetting things, but I really am not a big fan of locking myself away either. The pain, feelings of worthlessness, and fear are not going away and it has been about a year. This is just a more proactive then talk therapy.

Weird, Wacky & Strange

This week has been full of the weird, the wacky, just plan old strange days!!!

I told you I forgot my brush of all things...the clips I decided would work for combing my hair - worked for a day and then broke. So, I solved those issues and went and cut my hair. I think it is the shortest I have ever work it, but it is layered in such a way that I can wash it, dry it, finger comb it and it falls into place....those girls who wear the bobs -- SERIOUSLY, why didn't you tell me this was the reason and not that ya'll think it is an oh so cute style. I would have done this thing years ago. I may never go back to the long tresses everyone loves! BUT, that child who I brag about being so cute, so adorable, so loving...he didn't notice I was missing almost 12 inches of hair off my head. I asked him today what he thought and he was like :"oh I didn't notice but I like it". I have suddenly become less worried about him being manly enough...he passes the guy test :)

My flight was delayed in Boston (reason, it took off late from Washington DC due to "a passenger issue"...whatevah, leave em behind and take off, some of us want to get home). Now I know no one reading this is shocked that I was delayed, I have come to expect it too....now to the weird/wacky part of this delay. I was sitting in Logan International Airport and this lil lady sits next to me and tells me, do not try to fly stand by - whoa, wait just a second how the heck? So, because she told me to trust her I didn't, I gave my place up to a colleague. {apparently I am still stupid enough to trust peeps just because they tell me to}. This lady continues to sit next to me talking, as if I want to hear her speak...some of what she said is BLAH BLAH BLAH...and then I cut her off and in my sarcastic way ask her who she is and why is she talking to me out o everyone in this airport. She tells me "I am a knowledgeable one". mmmm hmmm, what like a psychic or mystic or just a lunatic? THEN, she tells me that my heart has been broken and I should not shut everyone out. And, my plan to forget is foolish and shortsighted. Many people will be hurt. So, I ask her what she knows of my plans for ANYTHING...last I checked I have told NO ONE, I have not even blogged about it. This is where is gets really OMG, WTF is going on -- she tells me what is in my head and tells me that it will work, but I will forget more than just what I want to forget. OK, sure whatever. Back to the stand by thing....the person I let put her name on and got on the plane told me it was the worst flight ever, she was sitting next to some one who was getting sick all the way to the destination and that she missed the connecting flight so she got stuck overnight because she lost her seat on the original connecting flight. I am so glad I did not try to get on that flight!!!!!! So thanks psycho for talking me out of flying stand by. As far as everything else you said, I think you need to drink less of the crazy juice.

Teacher...Oh teach, please forgive me and my need to straighten you out. Doodles teacher contacted A about a letter I sent in with him and his Autism. Let's just say I was not the most pleasant I could have been. I don't think I was overly mean, but seriously....don't assume just because 2 parents came in to the conference that they are together. And do not contact the father when everything you have ever received regarding money, health, school records has been from the mother. Her follow up was oh, I'm sorry I didn't have your contact information. Yeah, I responded with ALL my contact information for her use and a pleasant reminder that my contact information is on all the enrollment forms.

It has been the weirdest week ever!!!

THE BRUSH...or lack thereof

I need a vacation. I know...but you travel all the time! And that is exactly my point. I need a vacation where I can do something I want to do and not something I have to do. Case in point, I forgot my BRUSH!!! Let me tell you something about myself, I have long...past the mid-point of my back long hair. Forgetting something as vital as a brush is not a good thing for me. Now, I wouldn't be so worried about said brush if I was on vacation...I would finger comb to the best of my ability and then say F--- it. Footloose and fancy free. But, alas I am on a business trip where the look is kinda important. I did however bring 3 pair of shoes for a 2 day trip???? WTH!!!! Say it with me peeps...I need a lil break.

Lazy Days

I am having one of those days. I want to get stuff done, but I really have no energy to do anything. Lazy days...winter must be coming, I need to hibernate! And the head cold that wants to take over is not helping me with my energy level at all.

A decided to be an complete jerk via text...would it be bad to block his number??? I am at the point where I just don't want to deal with him or his crap - I am getting spoiled with the drama-free zone I created for myself. They moved the entry of judgment back to October 20, so another month before I can just let the state deal with it all.

I walked a portion of The Freedom Trail before coming home last week. Boston really is a pretty town, LOUD, but pretty. I got just past the north end, Revere's House and it was starting to get dark so I turned around to walk back to my car. Strange town after dark by myself...I thought it would be best to be at my car by dark and if I was well on my way to the hotel that would be really good considering my night-blindness. :)

LGA, AA, TSA...its the acronym post

After my return flight on Thursday, I will never, may I repeat NEVER, fly through LaGuardia Airport ever again as long as I shall live!!! There is a reason it is the worst in the US.

To begin, let me say that I am ashamed of myself. I fully understand that TSA is there to protect us and the United States. They are just doing the jobs they are tasked to do and I was completely rude. For that I am sorry and there is no way for me to apologize to the people that were on duty that day.

I flew American Airlines to Boston thru LGA. After going through security at my home airport I bought a bottle of water...they do not sell 20 oz bottles, they sell the large Liter bottles and they are EXPENSIVE, as anyone who travel is well aware. So, we land at LGA in Gate D and my connecting flight is taking off less than 45 minutes later out of Gate C....for those of you that are unaware, when you change Gates at the crapfest that is LaGuardia Airport you get to go through security again. Pretty much you take more than 10 steps at the joy that is that airport you go through security. WHAT??? TSA doesn't allow water bottles through??? Crazy talk!!! So, I put my water bottle on top of my bag and I didn't do the whole security thing I normally do...gave both my boarding passes to the TSA person on the other side of the metal detector. They asked about the water and I got really rude and told them with many expletives that I have already gone through security once that day and I have run from one gate to this one and bought that water inside my home airport......whatever just throw the $5 bottle of water away.

So, I sent American Airlines a very nice note telling them that when they are scheduling connecting flights through that crap airport they should try to keep them in the same gate area...or possible work with LGA and/or the TSA at LGA on the issues of people with connecting flights with no time being allowed their water/soda bottles......general public cannot do anything but an airlines should be able to.

So, I know it is not TSA's fault, they are enforcing the rules across the board! Is it American Airlines for poor planning on where connecting flights go out OR is it LGA for not being set up in a consumer friendly way??? Seriously, LaGuardia is NOT set up very nicely......I don't understand why there is TSA as you go into each of the gate areas instead of the airport. My home airport once you go through security you can get to all of the gates...you can even get to the other terminal if you need to WITHOUT going through security again, it's kinda a pain in the ass if you don't know where you are going but you can do it. Even crappy O'Hare you can get by with only going through security one time and if you are just connecting there is no need for a TSA visit.

I know I will never plan a trip through LGA again....should I be boycotting American too for their stupidity?!?!?! This trip frustrated me! Please don't remind me that I have to return....same routing..............UGH


UPDATE: The non-response...I would share, but - "The information in this email is confidential and is intended solely for the addressee(s); access to anyone else is unauthorized. If this message has been sent to you in error, do not review, disseminate, distribute or copy it. If you are not the intended recipient, please delete this email from your email system." -And I am a big believer in it, so I will give you the cliff notes version...we got we don't really care but we have to respond because you checked the respond to me button. Ummm, it said American Airlines followed through in an effort to share my feedback....that would be business man speak for we read it, rolled our eyes and responded before deleting. WHATEVER American Airlines. You still suck as bad as LaGuardia Airport.

Old Man...

It's Raining, It's Pouring...OMG is it STORMING. My flight is supposed to leave in approximately 2 hours. There are a few things I would like to point out here if we can take but one moment in time. I have no issues traveling for my employment, I have no issues with a little turbulence, BUT I really prefer if I am going to die a fiery death to be able to see the ground rushing up at me so I can pen those last emails. Oh yes I would connect and start typing...the blackberry would connect upon getting close to the ground and my last goodbyes would go out - is it frightening to anyone that I have thought about it?!?!?! No, good :)

So, old man if you would please quiet down until I get out east I would greatly appreciate it. Mother Nature, PLEASE untwist the panties and lets just have a little tea ok. Love you!!! {since I believe God controls all things, I'm sorry I missed church last night and that I am traveling this morning!! You know whats in my heart...love much, much love}

Off to the airport to hear that my plane is either delayed or canceled....see ya peeps. Have a great day!

Menopause....or maybe not

OMG...I think I am going through Menopause. Ok, maybe not...but maybe! Alright, perhaps I am just coming down with a cold, but I had the worst most awful hot flash - well, more like night sweats last night. I even turned off the heat and turned on the AC!!!! UGH, the sweat was so gross...maybe because I don't really sweat normally, but it felt like buckets of sweat...like I played a soccer match last night. I slept horribly bad!!!! {today I am freezing once again, my fingers may just break off as I type they are so cold. I will be the no fingered blogger, typin with my toes or my nose!!! hmmmm, I will look very funny with no fingers -- have I mentioned it is in the high 80s at home, here low 60s??? It is still summer in my part of the world....I didn't bring a jacket :)}.

So, that's where I am at today....how's things going in the rest of the world????

Ho Hum Life

My life is a blur. I feel like it is speeding by and I am not exactly sure what is going on. I cannot believe it is September already.

Yesterday marked a great tragedy in the nation, I often wonder when and if things will ever get right for any of us. I wish the politicians would remember that they affect people - the people that they are supposed to work for - but that is a little much to ask, I know. Each of us has our personal stories of that day 9 years ago...moving forward the best way we know how is the only way to honor those stories, those people.

Doodles social calendar is filling up with extra-curricular activities and parties. It wears me out just to think about it :) With me traveling for the rest of this month and most of October and November my weekends will be full of him and his stuff. I will have no time to dwell on anything. Sometimes life makes your lemonade for you...I just hope that the next few months stay as ho hum as this past week has been. I can so handle that!!!

Just Stuff

I do not think I have ever been this tired. It was a struggle to stay awake on the drive home tonight.

I was back at the old company today training the replacement and working one last project for them. I believe it will finally get done this week and then I will be free to move forward with the new position/division.

I had to run back to the old apartment today because my grandmothers wind chime was left behind. What?? I paid a moving company to pack and move me? You say?!?!? I do not think I will be dropping $900 in the future. I will pack myself to ensure none of my stuff gets broken or left behind. I may enlist the assistance of a moving company to haul my stuff...but that is a big ole MAY. I am one woman and a Focus!

I came up with a new reward system for Doodles...Blue Card at school, no strikes he can have a candy bar. Pretty sweet deal...told A about it and he was all like I'll try to have some candy bars, but I may not be able to.........AAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHH. Have I mentioned that I pay for school lunch, daycare, clothes, shoes, field trips, and every other additional thing the child may need. The man should be able to come up with $4 a week (when I am gone) to buy some dang candy bars...it's not like the kid is on blue every day! Incentives to get him towards that goal! There are days when my ex is a punk.

BOOYAH Beyotch...about time

Just checked the website and the Entry of Judgement will be entered 9/30/10 at 1:00PM in Rm 214!!! About frickin time!!!!! I only put the paperwork into the courthouse July 29th!

I will be a free woman on the 30th of September, shall we drink....celebrate....be merry?!?!?!?! :)

Mommy...

I want someone to take care of me and the young one. I must say that I do not get this way often, but it would be very, very nice if I had someone today to stay up with the young one and let me go to bed. Watch him in the bath and make sure he gets to bed...tuck me in with a kiss on the forehead and make sure I am ok because I really don't feel very well.

BAH....it doesn't have to be a man (finding a decent one of those is too difficult), my mommy would be just fine!!! Is it bad for a 35 year old to stomp her feet and say "I want my mommy"????

New Boy

New boy called yesterday while I was unpacking and I didn't realize my phone rang. At least I think it was new boy......I failed to add his number to my contacts, my bad! So, I sent him a text message today with an apology --- ahhhhhh, I hate myself for that. New boy has not responded yet, but I think I am okay with that...unless I dialed the wrong number and I sent a random person a text message, I did kinda dial the number by memory LOL. That would be kinda funny, and sorta my luck now wouldn't it. Some person out there is currently looking at his phone wondering WTH kind of message he just received and from who....and new boy is currently feeling dissed. I will either hear from new boy, a random stranger or sometime in the future new boy and I will run across one another and be all like why didn't ya call blah blah blah. :)


{no, new boy is not an accountant, I am not that lucky LOL}

Whine Alert

I'm so tired!!! Can I be done now???? PPPLLLEEEAAASSSSSSSSSEEE??? Doodles room is almost done, kitchen, living room -- I just have to hang pictures...my room I still have boxes to unpack, but isn't the mom room always the last to be done?!?!? I have to finish, you are not nice!

This apartment has got to be smaller than my last one because I am so not happy with how my living room is shaping up. I'll get over it, but putting it all together is not putting a smile on my face........I know, I know, fireplace...santa...BWEE!

So, here is the final living room product: at least at of 1:30 pm this afternoon...best its gonna get I think. So small compared to what I had in the last apartment....I will hang stuff on the wall soon :)
The Move...I hired movers, to move and pack. They showed up about 8:15ish with no boxes. Thankfully I had some to start with, someone brought some about 20 minutes later. Slow as molasses on a cold Vermont day!!! I packed all of Doodles room, all the bathroom, pretty much all my room - what they did in my room was throw everything that was left in one large box, and when I say throw I mean throw. My PC they packed halfway decently, but I took the monitor in my car. I packed up the CDs and movies. Pretty much that left them the kitchen....why did it take them over 4 hours??? I don't know. I have 2 things that I found broken in the boxes, not thrilled. We got to the new apartment and they got my bed (less than a year old bed) up and into my room and the mattress has a hole in it. They are supposed to be contacting be about replacing it.

So, lesson --- I think it is just better to do it yourself, the packing that is. It was much better than trying to haul the stuff myself :) I just do not know if I would recommend this moving company to anyone. The guys were nice enough, but OY!

The CAT

I LOST the cat...she is not in this apartment. My son is going to kill me!!!!!!! Please think kindly of me. I have never hoped for an animal to come back so bad in my life!

UPDATE: I did not lose the cat, but I did beat her!!! Before going on, I do solemnly swear to keep the door closed when taking the boxes to the trash dumpster, the end.

She put a hole in my box spring and was sleeping in the lining. I played pinata until she came out (yes I did have fun, no I will not tell Doodles). When she got out I smacked her with the stick again one more time just for good measure.

Can someone tell me how to sew a hole in the bottom of a box spring mattress...I mean unless you want more stories of the pinata cat?!?!? Of course the moving company is buying me a new mattress...I'll tell it when I tell the story of the move...maybe I will get a whole new set?!?!? :)

The M word

So, everything is scheduled to be turned off as of tomorrow. My TV/Internet is scheduled to come back on Wednesday between 2-4 CST. My laundry is working, dishes are done, counters are clean, cupboards are cleaned out enough for the movers, I have nice lil stacks of stuff for them to pack, all my books and a good portion of Doodles are packed and ready to go, I think I will disconnect the "entertainment system" {giggle, I should take a pix of it you would giggle too} and get that wiped down and ready, possible pack the movies and CDs......whatcha think should I pack the clothing or let the movers do it???? Last thing done will be unhooking the computer and my clock --- does it sound like I am ready? I'm not, there is always the bathroom.....UGH
My friend J stopped over to pick up the Smart Cycle (best money ever spent) and I found out her oldest plays soccer out in St Chuck OFTEN...so I will have sporting events to go to and Doodles best friend will be visiting often. YAY :)

UPDATE: It is 9:49 pm CST and I am absolutely exhausted. The bathroom is done and clean. the living room is as done as I am doing it as is everything else. You know what I realized, I am a horrible housekeeper...the dust was out of control!!! You know what else I realized my last meal was yesterday at lunchtime.

My cat is gonna FREAK when I get her stupid carrier out....HEHEHEHE I can't stand this animal. I keep her for Doodles. The fact that I get to keep her in there for an extended period of time thrills the part of me that cannot stand this cat (think hair balls eeeccckkkkhhhhh) to no end; the other part, the cat lover, feels kinda sorry for her........

awww poor kitty :)

Maybe I should follow my own advice...

All I have to do is open my planner and look...


RECOGNIZE strength
ACKNOWLEDGE weakness
OVERCOME weakness by utilizing strengths

Thank you my friend!

There are some really great people in the world. I am so thankful for those people! You know who I'm talking about!!! The following is for you...there has been a lot of debate of who actually wrote this poem, numerous people have claimed it and I do not have access to the copyright information (if there is any for it). So, I am going to go with the majority and say AUTHOR UNKNOWN -- whomever wrote it, it's beautiful and poignant, good job!

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In other news....I caught up on Project Runway last night. I cannot stand Gretchen and want her booted off the show. UGH! That means she will be around all season and will probably win.

Now I am gonna go and tackle my room and get it ready for the movers. (The dreaded M word)

Procrastination...

definition -- ME. But I started on Doodles room about a half hour ago.

Is it mean that I have thrown away a lamp and have half a garbage bag full of trash???? I need to move every few years just to cull out the crap I let people get away with giving that child. I stopped because I hurt my finger and he caught on to the trash fest. I am giving him to his dad tomorrow until the movers take me to the new apartment. Doodles won't miss a thing....if he does, I forgot it :) MEANEST MOM EVAH....no one takes my crown {insert evil laugh here}


I just had a whistle blown in my ear, comment "Mommy, I'm random"....I'm gonna go get some chocolate and a Pepsi!!!! You figure out my kid, give me a jingle ok????

UPDATE: I gave away all of Doodles mega legos. I don't want to hear it, they have been in his closet for over a year. I threw the rest of his blocks away...ditto not wanting to hear about it. I also threw away a good portion of his toys that were just not needed -- I should have gone through that box he packed, but ho hum. I am giving away his smart cycle to a friend. I convinced him he has his Wii, besides he is too old for the Smart Cycle. {I highly recommend that thing...best money spent!!!} Doodles room -- ready for the movers!!!!! Yes, he agreed to the giveaway and trash fest ---- YAY the power of mommy!!!!

PATHETIC IDIOT ALERT

If you read the following, please do yourself a favor, get your barf bags, take some anti-nausea medication, something to help ya out with the disgusting display that is to follow. (I started cleaning and packing, but I have a serious case of procrastination going on...found, read and now you can be as disgusted as I am...know that I love you all so turn back now!!!)


"We are together because it is right! We can be ourselves, no barriers. Free to let down our guard and just be. It is not about the sex, it is about the emotion and the intimacy that we feel. When we are together in our bubble there is no judgment, no feelings of not being good enough. All there is is a feeling of contentment, safety and rightness. But, it does appear that what we are doing is wrong after walking away. But people shouldn't judge us because of how we communicate - this is how we make it known to each other that everything is OK, that we are OK, we re-charge ourselves. It is a twist of irony that we would meet at this time in our lives but also that it may be why we are together right now. When I talk to you, when I get an email, the desire starts to build, the bubble starts to expand. How healthy would it be for us to ignore it? It would build and expand and we would get frustrated and unhappy."

OH MY GOODNESS!!! What a pile of horseshit...I cannot believe that I fell for that line of BS, or that I allowed anyone to say that crap to me and I didn't walk away...It's perfectly alright for you all to laugh and tell me what a pathetic idiot I am......I admit that after reading it -- PATHETIC IDIOT ALERT, right here!

edited 10/2

the M word

it is a filthy word!!!! I do not want to hear it! NO, I have not done anything today...welllll I went to work, picked up Doodles (hello hella commute today -- did we all forget how to drive???), went for minimal groceries, hung with me kid.........but I did NOTHING for the M word.

I am hatin this move. nasty four letter word!

Problem Girl???

Listen...Enjoy...and then if you would think for a moment...


Rob Thomas, Problem Girl

Is there a place in your life that you feel you are always a problem? You can do nothing right? And then there is this other place in your life where everything seems to work out...very little goes wrong and you are treated like the next best thing?

My personal life is where I feel the most inept. I am nothing but a problem. But at work...oh at work everyone wants me on their team! I wake up in order to go to work. I hate weekends...that is a sad testament to my life. I have the most gorgeous child on the planet, and he really is my whole world. My parents are pretty darn great. My life should be full without an id badge, but I am lost without one. I walk differently, I talk differently, I don't cry when someone debates with me - I thrive on it...but once I take that badge off, "the kids on the street say what's your problem girl...when they all make you feel like your a problem girl..."

A just makes me feel like dirt: I am an inconvenience, I am too inexperienced, I am an idiot, It's my fault when things go wrong, I don't satisfy, It's my fault our marriage failed, If I were better everything would work out, I AM INADEQUATE...

I have this friend who completely dismissed my thoughts and feelings; everyone else can say what they think but not me, mine are to be invalidated. It doesn't matter that I would never knowingly do or say anything to jeopardize her in any way, I AM THE PROBLEM...

and I could go on, but it is redundant and YUK!

Nothing I do or say is ever right in my personal life...not with the people who claim to be a "friend". I feel so clumsy and self-conscience....like I should just burrow under the covers until my workday starts again, or keep everyone at arms length -- anyone want to take a guess at what I have been doing? If I have learned anything from my time in therapy, I know what I am doing is not healthy...but on the other hand it keeps me steady.

Wanna think some more???




Reflection, Christina Aguilera, Mulan Soundtrack
Some more great lyrics that make a girl think...

Who am I??? Am I going through a nasty midlife thing?? Possible, or I am just sick of the crap that constantly surrounds me. As soon as it seems to get a little quiet something comes up. It's such crap. The KC Revolution is NOT going well. Why am I always the one to pretend........

edited 10/2/10

Whatever...do what you want

I love getting all of my information about school via text message. Apparently Doodles is going to have reading tutoring...I don't know what it is or why since he has been reading since he was four. Does that mean he is being bumped up and will spend a hour a week with advanced reading or has he forgotten how to read when he is at school? I got it via text from such a reliable source. I emailed his teacher to ask her W.T.H. is going on, I needed to email her anyway to schedule parent/teacher conference. UGH, sometimes this traveling business is for the birds.

Let me tell you about my day...what???? we don't understand! Explanation given, ARGUMENTS ensue. If I was a drinker I would have totally started drinking. You don;t understand and now you are arguing with us??????? STOP IT! Please understand that we may just know that 2+2 really does equal 4 and not 3 or 5. BWEE!!!!