Exhibit A

I try to be a nice girl. I try to stay to myself. What? Why? C'MON!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE HECK DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS????????????

Exhibit 1....Screaming child less than 10 feet behind me. Now I have dealt with a screaming child before and I am good at it.......BUT, I am at an airport. In my gate. Getting ready for a 4 and a half hour flight. Need I go on???

Exhibit 2...I am sitting on the floor away from everyone! Endless empty chairs to choose from. Stinky guy comes with his lunch. Eats. Chomps LOUDLY. Pulls out phone. Talks with mouth full. Uber Gross!!!! (and I have a boy child)

Exhibit 3....There has got to be 10 flights from Seattle to St Louis. My gate has got to have 15 children from the ages of 7 weeks to 4 years old. Have I mentioned 4 and a half hour flight???? I am going to be enclosed in an airplane with no where to go with 15 children....3 of who are now screaming at the top of their lungs. (would it be bad form to scream with them????)

Exhibit 4....see exhibit 2, that guy just passed the most disgusting gas ever. And when I say that it's pretty bad considering I have 2 older brothers and a father who taught those brothers a thing or 2.

The Issue/What I Did....I forgot to ask for Noise Cancelling Headphones for Christmas and I failed to buy them for myself :-)

Halfway There

My week has been amazing! I have heard so much about Seattle weather I prepared myself for some crazy torrential rain...but beyond a slight misty rain yesterday morning (which M and I braved and conquered) I have been very let down Seattle! Where is the Pineapple Express??? Where is the rain???? Where is all those dreary rainy days I am expecting??? Oh well, much like the horrible St Louis Metropolitan area winters sorta reside in the heads of those people that live there (seriously, winter is snow, ice and cold for longer than a month but don't tell them that they would FREAK)....we will allow the Seattle folk to believe that this is the rainiest, grayest area on the face of the earth (I saw sun every day -- shhhhhhh, it's ok we won't tell them that).

Now, my kiddos week has not been that spectacular from what I gather. There was an incident at school that I heard about via text...mmmm hmmmm....so I sent a message to his teacher. Here is her response:

"Basically, I went behind the cubby wall that’s in our classroom to get some paper and a student had said “We have no teacher.” {Doodles} preceeded to say, “Let’s trash the place!” and “Let’s break everything!” When I came from behind the wall I let {Doodles} know how disappointed I was that he would say/think something like that. I then asked him to pull his card and he began to pout and stomp his feet. Today however, I gave the whole class several warnings during calendar to stop shouting out and next person who did would pull a card. Several minutes later {Doodles} shouted out and he pulled his card. Again stomping around. I let him know if he continued to stomp, he’d be on yellow. But he continued anyway and as of right now is on yellow. He served his -5 minutes of recess today. let me know if you have any more questions."

Really Doodles!!!! So, Mommy-time...I called A and told him that I needed to speak to our son today and would be done with training by 4 Pacific time. We talked and once the conversation was done he assured me he would behave the rest of the week. He agrees that it is not appropriate behavior and it will never happen again.........

OK, so I am traveling a great deal in Feb and Mar....A needs to pull his Daddy card out of where ever he has it stored and be able to parent!!! He called/sent me text messages two different days telling me how ridiculous the behavior was. Yeah, hello parent the child! Not just with negative, but with positive reinforcement too. You'll get farther. UGH.

Knowledge :)

I learn something new Every. Single. Day.!!! Now, I know that I am in a training class today and I am supposed to be learning today but thats neither here nor there. This is about Sea-Tac...I was under the assumption (yes I know that they say) that it was the Seattle - Tacoma area International Airport.......HUH! Nope, there is a little town called SeaTac. I am amazed!!! AMAZED I tell ya!!!!!!!!!

Vindicated....I am at the airport today (thursday 12/16) and as I was driving in the sign says Seattle Tacoma Area International Airport! Booyah. SeaTac, obviously you sprang up as a town because people are too lazy to drive to work LOL

Seattle

I flew into Seattle yesterday and spent the afternoon with M. I cooked...yeah I remember how to do that. :) Then today M and I spent the day in Seattle. Pike's Market, Space Needle...Seattle is beautiful! A lil chilly today, but I had an awesome time with wonderful company. (Bonus I found some perfect presents....I think I am pretty much done woooo hoooo) Tomorrow I head off to training and home on Thursday! Thursday evening I am supposed to meet with new boy. Hmmmm, busy week but a good one!!!!

A New Day

I allowed myself to wallow in sadness yesterday after my therapy appointment. The way I figure it I am taking the steps....a girl has to realize that sometimes the steps are slippery and ya slip. I cannot and will not beat myself up for going there yesterday.

Today is a new day and it's time for some positivity from me.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” - Mahatma Gandhi

So, I remind myself that I can heal and I can be ok with the girl I presently am. My life as it has been may have been hard, but I refuse to believe that I do not have the capacity to heal from what was....As Gandhi says, I may not have had it then but if I believe that it is possible I will be able to heal from those hurdles that life has thrown at me.

Have a wonderful weekend!

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” - Confucious

Sad Day

December 10, 2008 I had an early morning doctor appointment. The news I received shocked me. Pregnant??? How, does someone with issues get pregnant twice in one year. It was unbelievable. I walked into work shocked, confused but cautiously excited that I was going to have a baby.

I settled into my work day and checked my messages. What is going on? I tried to let it settle in my brain and then I received the second message. I cried. I didn't understand, or maybe I just didn't want to understand what was happening. I never asked for any of it. I never asked he do anything but make himself happy. The more upset I got the more I thought about the dangers of getting upset, stressed, too high or too low was to my pregnancy.

I'm sad today. The thought of that day, the high and then the low. The thoughts of what eventually happened with that pregnancy. Yeah, I'm sad on a sad day.

Weekly Wrongs

ahhhh....want to know what I did wrong this week???

1. I asked an avid reader if we should give books to charity.

• No Mommy, I want to keep all of them. Wait, we can give these 2 away

2. I asked a question to my co-workers

• I know better than that!!!

3. I expected people I worked with to ask questions if they don't understand something

• Seriously, the fact that people do things (incorrectly) without checking kinda messes with my mind

4. I asked the exe when he wanted Doodles for Christmas and if he could take him on Saturday

• It does appear that I bumped my head and everything is back to normal

The good news is that I do not work Friday (yuk yuk yuk, he he he, hardy har har). It is Wednesday night and I have only received 2 stupid emails since leaving work (I try not to be like that but sometimes I look at my blackberry and ask it to repeat itself because things don't make sense). I have a date on Saturday. And, I am off to Seattle next week which is AWESOME! {I am going to get in touch with my inner domestic diva and make some Mostacolli for M and the fam. I should find a funky desert to make too :)} So, if ya could just wish for good weather in Seattle next week that would be fabu!!!

{and, if anyone wants to pass on gift ideas for a 13 year old boy...I have come up with ___ - yeah thats it. And I really don't want to give him money, he is one of the most awesome kids ever so I need to figure it out.}

Pity Party

You are cordially invited to attend a pity party being thrown by and for....ME!!!

Rules:

1. there will be NO positive remarks made
2. you must wallow with me - jump on in the waters fresh and salty
3. anger is fine
4. disparaging remarks are encouraged and often laughed at

I am trying to balance the checkbook and we all know that whereas mathematics and I get along famously as long as it is in proof form or geometric shapes or even Trigonometry....this accounting/economical stuff is just so hard. Why o why should my numbers match the banks?? And, why does it have to be so darn hard for those cute lil (and when I say lil ya'll know what I'm talking about since it's the time of the year) numbers to just match up already!!!!! I think it is a very good thing there is not some dorky accountant (not you Mr M, Misses would not marry a dork) around because I would pull that person head long into my pity party and probably drown her/him. Who came up with this crap anyways?? {does anyone think the bank would take pity on me and just balance this thing for me like once a month????}

So........refreshments that way, dance floor to the right, have a blast and don't worry about a thing. I have it all under control...........as long as someone would kindly tell me that .44 is the same as .21. NO, hmmmmm refer to rule number 3 - I will find the mistake and someone is going down...yeah I know its only me and the kid and he doesn't have access to the bank account, but can't I blame him just cuz?!?!?! :-)

'The Mice before Christmas'

Doodles had his school play this morning. It was very cute, except for the other parents who stood in front of me. Excuse me for getting there early enough to find a place against the wall....well, I found a chair, but gave that to an elderly lady and stood up. It was very cute. 'The Mice before Christmas', Adorable and the acting and singing was superb!!!! Doodles was in the chorus. I took some pix and some video. The pictures didn't turn out that well, I would post one of the videos for your viewing pleasure, but in one I had big head and in the last one I had some lady yelling at one of her kids....so, more audience participation than first graders. Ahhhhh, the memories we shall have of this!!! :)

Lo and behold, the alternate universe has not ended (yet)....A was in attendance and stuck around after the play to see if Doodles wanted to do anything else. I am grabbing my blankie and gonna get comfy...I may put the DND sign up for awhile so I can just enjoy.

WAIT...one more development, this just in -- the principal called 2 seconds ago and I WON! I filled out the raffles just to give money to the PTO because I feel so guilty that I cannot give time to kiddos school and I won one of the baskets. The family reading basket ($45 Barnes & Noble gift card, cookbook, Geometric origami, Judy Blume, The Lightening Thief, Clementine, and more). YAY!!!! Now, what to do, should I give it away as a gift or can I keep it for myself??? That is so selfish ---- LOL

Alternate Universe

I believe I have entered into an alternate universe......NO, not complaining. I am going to pull up a chair, make myself comfy and stay...hopefully FOREVER! :)

I arrived at the Hartford airport in time to make an earlier flight home, the connection would be tight but the gates were close in Atlanta so I could probably make it as long as things went my way. Oh yes...I made that connection and arrived back into my home airport before 3 pm! Seriously, yeah!!!!

Then, I called A and asked him to bring Doodles home and he agreed....is that the theme to The Twilight Zone???? It gets more WOOOHOOO. A and Doodles arrive to the apartment a little after 6 (I was asleep) and Doodles asks if he can show daddy Guitar Hero. I don't have an issue with that, but I expect A to say something about having to take off. NO, A takes off his jacket and plays with his child for almost an hour...

No, that's not it! I am meeting someone on Sunday and A has agreed to take care of Doodles. I asked if he was coming over to the apartment or if I had to bring Doodles out to his place...well, if the scout thing is still happening A is going to pick him up otherwise whatever is easier for me?!?!?! HUH....

Nope, I have no idea what happened, but I LIKE IT!!! If I happen to still be sleeping and none of this is actually true and factual, let me sleep :-)

Pain

Pain. I have felt it and as much as I have stated in this here blog that I just want it to stop I would continue to feel it ten times worse if it meant those that I care about didn't have to feel even an ounce of the heartbreak that I have felt over the years.

Everyone feels things differently...I know what the pain is like to lose and not know why or how to stop it. I know how I felt, how I still feel on those days when I ache and there is nothing anyone can say to ease that pain. I absolutely cannot stand that I have so many friends going through so much and there is nothing I can say to ease their pain. All I can do is stand here. Yes, I know from experience that having someone just stand there ready to listen for that painful scream is a blessing. But, I must admit that I still wish that there was someway I could lift all of those painful burdens from the lost job to the very personal pain and take it on myself.

Eleanor Roosevelt said "You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give." She also said, "When life is too easy for us, we must beware or we may not be ready to meet the blows which sooner or later come to everyone, rich or poor." Ya know what I say....can't life cut some of us a little slack??? Sometimes it would be nice to watch a plethora of good things happen to those I love for extended periods of time.

Happy Thanksgiving & Many Blessings to you

Happy Thanksgiving! Today I look at my life and realize I am very thankful that my stupidity has not gotten the best of me. I am thankful for new friends & the constant forces of nature that stay in my life, for wonderful parents, and for a great little sister! It may be bad, but I am thankful that my older siblings are not in attendence for our Thanksgiving day so it is, and will remain, peaceful.

But most of all I am thankful for the funniest child who has conversations such as ---

Doodles and I were sitting in the rocking chair together....Mommy "I love you more than anything!"

Doodles "I'm love you more than anything. I'm always going to love you best!"

Me "thats right!"

Doodles "Even when I have kids I am going to love you more"

Me "When you have kids you can love them a little bit more..."

Doodles "I'm going to love them a little bit less than you because you know how they are!"

Me (laughing) "yeah, kids are brats....they misbehave at school...rotten"

Doodles "HEY!"

I have been so blessed to have a child that is so funny. That I love more than anything!!! He makes me laugh so hard almost every day.

I hope that all of you have a great day and enjoy the time you spend with your family...that time is a precious commodity!

Productivitiy Down

Today is not very productive! The good news/bad news is that I have found myself kid free so maybe, just maybe I will find that productiveness has just been taking a nap and will wake up. I can work well into the evening and ease my guilt. Not that my morning was completely un-work related...I went and dropped off my passport paperwork at the post office, I stopped in at FedEx and got that done, the only thing I did that was not related to work was my doctor appointment and that just had to be done. So, things are getting done, just sllllooooowwwwwllllyyyy....call me Ms. Turtle today.

I still need to pack for the boy and my journey to grandma's house.

Actions Speak...

"What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Paraphrasing...what you have gone through makes allowing someone to get close not worth it - the therapist. Oh, the truth behind those words. The pain is so not worth the hug.

Last week we discussed the frustration she can hear in my voice when I am talking about who I was and who I have turned into. This week as I was talking she mentioned how tired I sound. I go into my appointments and I do not allow the wall because I understand that it will not help me...so she gets to hear the pain, the anger, the frustration and yeah she gets to hear just how tired I am. Putting on an act for as long as I have has taken it's toll and I am so tired....no, exhausted is a more apt phrase. My determination and the smile I put in place like armor are fading and I know it...it gets more difficult every day.

We discussed my suicidal tendencies.....she asked the question I knew was coming, and one that I cannot answer with an affirmative like she would want. It has been such a well kept secret that I even have those feelings inside of me -- I mean I am the perfect one I cannot feel that way! I lost the people I call when I feel that way when Marc and Ro died, when R changed into an abusive loser...I told her I get through it on my own with the assistance of prayer and my Bible.

Letting others in, getting emotionally invested....I've done that and learned just how unkind people are......and really it just is not worth it. BUT, I'm trying. I am taking baby steps into finding my confidence, into allowing myself to trust others, into believing in others kindness.....but people's actions speak so much louder and often overpower a person's words.

Letters of Intent - What's Going On

Dear A...

Seriously....no, seriously - now that I moved out here at your request you are going to go back on everything you said as you were pretty much forcing my hand???? All I need is the truth...may I remind you that I have no family down here and all of my friends/babysitters lived on the other side of the river - 45 minutes away!!!! But, I am still expected to play the nice girl???? Really?

Signed,
Yeah, we are busy those days too

Dearest Doodles...

You are my heart and soul, but if you continue to stay up until all hours of the night I am going to seriously rethink my punishment scheme. I will not be yelled at by the daycare for getting you there "at the last minute" because you refuse to get up.

love you so much,
The Mommy who is as tired as you are

Hey Daycare!

What's up??? FYI...I pay you. Actually I pay you a lot of money, so hows about you NOT yell at me. And ummmmmm, if you would be ever so kind as to not tell me when to bring my kid in or when not to that would be great. I mean, I do pay for before and after school care which means I can drop him off anytime before 7:30am...yeah, that means 7:29 if I am running that late. I do appreciate you caring so much, really I do! But, let's just not do this whole nit-pick at the mother thing. Thanks so much!!

Sincerely,
The MOTHER

Really, this is what we are going with???

There are times that I absolutely love life...and then there are times when I look around and say, REALLY? Really, this is what we are going with??? Today, well strike that, actually this evening is one of those REALLY?? days.

Supposed to go to the hockey game tomorrow....that's not happening, because once upon a time a million years ago I married the world's most undependable human being. I believe that he should be in the Guinness Book of World Records for most unreliable human being...but who am I to measure the reliability factor of these type of things? Ya know who will...one day Doodles will take that measure and if he finds it lacking?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

There is a sense of entitlement running rampant in these parts...maybe I am a little to blame for that. But isn't it a little sad when a 7 year old knows the value of a dollar better than some adults? Does anyone else find it disturbing that a 7 year old questions how much something costs and if a person has enough money to purchase it and there are some adults that just allow people to buy things for them no matter what? Maybe people need to take just one tiny little step back and question themselves.

Because REALLY? Really, is this really what we are going with???

Parenting FAIL

I was driving home from work the other day listening to Eminem’s Recovery disc, not really paying any attention to what was coming out of my radio. My mind was on a million and three other things. I got to daycare to pick up Doodles. When we got in the car he was full of his day. After 2 or 3 blocks he got quiet. All of a sudden…

“Mommy, I heard that F word.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Where are we going?”

“Therapy…can you be quiet, traffic is horrible.”

“Yes.”

HELLO….Clue number 1 that something was amiss! Yep, I missed it. Quiet 6 year old?!?!

After therapy we went into Chick-Fil-A and we were goofing around, being silly. And out of that boy’s mouth pops…

“Mommy, you are so hysterical you should be workin at a circus like a clown.” (said in total rap, gangsta beat)

The light bulb was starting to flicker, but still dim….this teenage boy looked at him, looked at me and asked “did he just sing Eminem?”

Doodles laughes…and looks at the boy and tells him “yes, we listened to the CD. There was lots of F words.” OH NO!!!! My eyes pop out of my head…the teenage boys laugh and look at me “Cool”. Not cool…6, so not cool to expose my child to that!

WINNER – Worst mother of the year….right here! I win!!!! Woot. I just can’t wait until he tells everyone at church what kind of music mommy lets him listen too………UGH. FAIL

trouble on the home front...

Home. Why, yes I am thank you for asking...now if someone would be ever so helpful and remind me what exactly are those things for, I believe they are called appliances???? You know the ones in that one room...hmmmm, kitchen I think......big, square, ya open it and it is cold...mine is apparently to hold water. Is it supposed to hold something else beyond water and capri sun? EEEEEEEeeeeee, I may be in trouble here.

I also have this closet looking thing...are any of you familiar? It has Halloween candy still in the trick or treat bag and a bottle of ketchup. There is supposed to be other stuff in there too, huh? SQUUEEEE....beyond trouble.

I believe there is a store that those with domesticated tendencies frequent. I wonder if they deliver. Yeah, ok, so I will pretend for at least a minute or 5 that I am a mother and go to that place....have I ever mentioned how much I dislike the --- shudder --- grocery store? {I will also let you all know that my local grocery store does deliver, but only to the elderly or incapacitated....I could pull that off. WHAT??? Don't judge, getting in the car and going, eventually, maybe tomorrow.}

Birthday Party

It was a day to celebrate. He turned 7...only because I couldn't stop it! I took matters into my own hands and for the first time in his life we had a proper birthday party for him. He believes that both of us chipped in to throw that party and that is how it shall remain, but I am exhausted and broke until payday and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. If anyone deserves to celebrate with his friends it is the funniest, nicest kid on the planet (I keep telling you people that I am not at all biased in my opinion). He has had some hard knocks the last few years and just keeps being an amazingly wonderful little man and that is nothing short of a miracle. So, today we celebrated with his friends from school.



After lunch and cake there was swimming. Lots of swimming. the kids and parents went down before I did, including Doodles and A. I was taking presents to the car, finishing paying for the party...ya know doing the mom thing. One of my friends from church came to the party and was leaving...we were outside talking and I received a text message that said "Doodles was just saved by a lifeguard."

At the RecPlex they have this pretty cool 'Vortex' whirlpool thing that Doodles decided to experience with his friends. Apparently he got sucked into the middle of it and went under and was not strong enough to kick out of it. Sooooo..... a lifeguard had to hop into the water and pull him out. OY! Luckily that didn't scare him at all. He was jumping off the 3 M platform, the 3 M springboard and had a blast the rest of the day...They started swimming shortly before 1pm and I finally convinced him that going home was a good thing a little after 4pm. Him and his friend D were the last 2 standing. Good times were had by all. I think 7 is off to a really great start.

Now, I am off to kick some 7 year old booty at swordfighting....my arm is going to fall off! Do you think a Wii injury is reason enough to call in and take a few sick days from work? :-)

Growing up

I am going to miss this age, not mine but Doodles! I don't like growing up, when Doodles was little, especially a baby, I was impatient for him to get older, but right now at 6 he is perfectly imperfect with all his 6 year old boyishness that drives me crazy and that smile that gets him out of trouble. The way he says I love you for no apparent reason, hugs and kisses without embarrassment or second thought...and sometimes stops watching his cartoons runs to my room for no other reason than a kiss running away as soon as he gets it. Yep, 6 is perfect! He can stop growing up now. I cannot imagine liking 7 very much, 8 sounds suspicious to me, 10 doesn't give me the warm fuzzies, 16 fairly certain I won't like it one bit, 18 completely out of the question!!!!! I will demand a recount! {someone will have to point me back here when I am impatiently waiting for 18...lol}

Doodles did tell me a few weekends ago that I would never be a loser...I would never be a whackadoo...he would never think I am lame!!!! I told him I needed a recording of that conversation so I can play it back when he is older. :) Hmmmm, yes I will miss this age.

C'est le vie

Back in Boston...la la la! There are some days when I just want to be at home and this is one of those weeks. Doodles birthhday is Friday, we are having his party on Sunday. I don't really think that is the whole reason that I want to be home...I think I am just exhausted right now.

Let me tell ya'll, new boy is a tad bit more work than I think I am willing to put up with. I talked to one of my best male friends today and 'splained the situation and he told me to give the boy one more shot...call and leave the rest in new boys hands. My whole take on new boy is he takes things day by day -- I am super busy with work, child, travel...I need to be a planner. I have very little free time for a day by day kinda relationship. If new boy is not the boy for me, it's not a big loss for me.......is that bad??? It's probably bad, but there is always another new boy right around the corner. Yeah, bad.

C'est le vie.

Holloweeny

Happy Sunday......Happy Reformation Day.......ok, I'll play along Happy Halloween!

It is only 3:00 and I just want to go to bed....I feel as if I have already put in a full day. Church, lunch date, fits from Doodles (before church, before I dropped him off at his dads, ya know I think staying up watching Harry Potter may not have been such a great idea....), I have worked some.....ahhhh, I am just sleepy now. BUT, Doodles is due to be dropped off at 7 and we are to drive over to my friends, I am to have my laundry done and be packed for the trip. Who gave anyone to pack 2 full days into one???

Here is an update on new boy...I have failed in the scaring him off thing. We are still going strong and have plans for a few weeks from now.....future plans???? Oh my!

And the winner is...

I would like to refer to the bottom of this post...yes, those were my words that said I could not stand Gretchen so she would probably win Project Runway. The finale just aired and who do you think won???? UGH!!!!!! Shoulda been Mondo....he was more likable and had better clothes. :-) Yep, its always the ones I cannot stand.

Honesty

Integrity, honesty, truth, candor, trustworthiness....whatever word you want to use it is so very important to me. I feel that it is the last thing that I have. It is the one thing that they have not been able to take from me.

I allowed them to take my self-esteem, my feelings of worthiness, self-trust, value - and so much more. I lowered myself and did things that eat away at my insides. Yes, I am working on all of these things...by the Grace of God I will somehow find the strength, wisdom and understanding to recapture my value and my worth. I will learn to trust in myself again. And, those things that eat at me will be silenced and be locked away in a compartment in my mind as a learning experience; hopefully never to be opened again.

When one questions me, I will answer and it will be an honest answer. If I perceive even a hint of someone calling me a liar, I will snap. I will not calm down...I have a right to protect the one thing I have left. I will not allow anyone to take away my integrity, my honesty. It is what I use to write this blog. It is what I use to talk about the horrors of my life in therapy. It is what I use as the last thread holding my life jacket together.

No, I refuse to allow anyone to take that away from me.

Passing GERMS

Driving home from school can be a dangerous situation at times. I need to tell my child to keep things like the following conversation for when we are sitting at home or the park...ya know somewhere where my eyes can bug out and I can stifle my laugh without killing us. Maybe a muzzle -- do they make muzzles for 6 year old boys????

Doodles "Daddy kisses Girlfriend"

Me "Yeah"

Doodles "Daddy Kisses Girlfriend ALOT!"

Me "mmmmmmm"

Doodles "Daddy tried to take a bite out of my Slim Jim."

Me "So???? Sharing is nice."

Doodles "THATS GROSS!!! Daddy kisses girlfriend, and that is PASSING GERMS."

Me "ummmm, what is I find a boy that I want to kiss?"

Doodles "That's ok."

Me "But, then I won't be able to share your stuff anymore. I might want to kiss a boy a lot."

Doodles "In that case I will just have to deal with the germs."

Me "oh, why? I wouldn't want you to do that."

Doodles "Mommy, I LOVE you. We share everything. We are always going to share even when you do kiss boys."

Ahhhh the horror and exasperation that filled that conversation was so funny!!!!

Forgiveness...

For those of you that have read me blather on this probably not going to come as a surprise....to those of you who may not have read here is some insight from my new therapist:

I want things done now!

SURPRISE???? I didn't think so. My therapist summarized my last two therapy sessions and what she sees so far...I want the forgiveness to come quickly, I want the healing to be there. And since it is not she believes that I am being very hard on myself. I have been through a lot (hmmm, really?!?!) and I should allow myself time to grieve, feel the pain, forgive myself before I start beating myself up for not forgiving the people responsible for causing the pain.

I have thought a lot about that the last 2 days and spot on!!! What happened in my marriage happened over the course of 13 years...I have been married 15 (and still counting, but I'm not bitter Illinois, nope not bitter at all). I didn't forgive in those first 2/3 years...there was a lot of pain for years. It took a long, long time to realize that it wasn't my fault, that I was worth more than what I had, that no one would look at me as a whore for what happened to me. Being raped was not my fault and I did not have to marry the person who victimized me. It took me a long time to forgive myself for the predicament that I found myself in and to figure things out. Once I forgave me, that is when I was able to forgive A. With everything that happened with the other, the babies, manipulation and psychological stuff...I really do blame myself for a lot of that. I should have been stronger, I should have been -- well, whatever I should have been I was in the beginnings of divorce, being on my own for the first time and completely uncertain of everything. I was not strong, by any stretch of the imagination - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically I was weak and tired. So, I need to take a step back and review things from a forgiveness of self angle.

Now that we know that, I will let you all know that there is a new boy. I am not going to spill too much because I am in the process of ruining that by being a total headcase. I will tell you he is very nice and he tells me I am pretty.




Eminem - When I'm Gone
(just a song I like)

It's FINALLY here...

today is the day my life finally becomes my own....there now I have gone and done it. NOW, I will get to the courthouse and the judge will laugh in my face and say "SUCKA, I don't think so!!!" But, our day in court is 1 hour and 15 minutes from RIGHT NOW! I will be divorced and my 15 year marriage will be at an end.

New Chapter.........


UPDATE:

After sitting in the court house for 2 1/2 hours before being called for our case it has been determined that this chapter must go one. No, no need to re-read! I AM STILL MARRIED! I am so frustrated! That is $800 down the drain...starting back at square one because as of 10/31 the state of Illinois loses jurisdiction and the State of Missouri gains! So, how much more money can I spend trying to divorce this guy???? How much more time can I spend spinning these wheels??? This too I will overcome....I believe I have already read this chapter, so nothing shocking is going to happen. Same ole, same ole!!!

{But, I did call it, didn't I????}

Moving Forward

We must all move forward in our lives or get run over by those to inconsiderate to watch where they are going. I am honest enough to tell you I do not want to...I just want to sit and wait for my judgment day to come. But I am also realistic enough to understand that if I stay stagnant it not only affects me but my child. Knowing this I took steps in the last week to take a few tentative steps forward.

First, I started therapy with a new therapist at a local Seminary. I like that we start and end with a prayer. It makes me feel very good that I bring my Christianity into my therapy. Like this time I really may get the mind and spirit in tune together. The things that have happened in my life have harmed me mentally, emotionally and physically...but have strengthened me spiritually. I am hoping that this route will give me strength and heal me mentally and emotionally. Ask and ye shall receive, knock and the door will open, seek and ye shall find.

Second, I proactively went out of my way to break my isolation. I went to lunch with a friend after church. I am proactively seeking someone to hang out with, to go places, to talk to that is older than six. Not that I mind talking to my six year old...but an adult conversation may just be in order sometimes.

Lastly, I have started taking a few minutes every morning when I wake up to mediate in a way. I take a few deep breathes, force a smile, and think about the blessings in my life...I have so many. I do think until the smile is no longer forced but a natural, soft smile. Today was a good day, even with the dentist and A.

Now to vent about the bad parts of the day...bad being a relative term, they didn't take the smile from my face...

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the dentist?? Well, I do!!!! I have dentist stories that are True Story Tuesday (Rachel's blog) worthy. So, I had to go today to get my left side cleaned...yeah one side at a time, I get the deep periodontal cleaning. And, I got 2 minute cavities filled. As much as I hate the dentist, I cannot stand for them to tell me that I have even a spot developing...FILL IT, DRILL IT AND FILL IT!!!! Yes, I am that freak. You all have heard that freak in the dentist office and yes it is me. :) I hate when my mouth is numb, it drives me insane!!!! UGH....I have to go back next week and get my right side done.

Then after work it is scout night...A picked Doodles up and I went to go get invitations for his birthday party. I was in Target and in walked Doodles and A, apparently they needed a glue gun for some project. A hands it to me and asks me to pay for it. WTH??? How did I get stuck with buying a glue gun? And where is that glue gun?????? Not that I like to repeat myself overly much, but UGH!!! That man is unbelievable some times.

Now to leave you with something positive, because it was a good day...apparently I won something. I know, What??? I won first prize in the Scout Raffle. $300 Best Buy Gift Card. Woo Hoo. Doodles birthday present........

The Mommy-vent

Why does it seem that the days when you are the most emotionally drained that things do not go as planned? Doodles is throwing a fit as we speak. I have no patience for it.

I made him get in the bath at 7:30. I have been telling him to get washed up since 8:01. Finally at 8:31, I put my foot down. At 8:47 he comes into my room asking if he can skip teeth so he can watch TV. I tell him no, he wouldn't be watching TV anyway because of the time. To which he starts whining, why didn't you remind me. AHHHHH! I tell him to go get his teeth brushed and he storms out of my room in tears. Not just tears, but an all out crying fit! I stormed after him, told him that he was grounded from TV for the weekend and brushed his teeth myself! There will be no crying in this house about the damn television!!!! He is not allowed to watch that much TV anyway. And he knows how I feel about him crying about it. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!! I do not know what goes on at his father's house, but here....no, just no way in hades is that child throwing a fit about the TV.

Did I go overboard....probably, its his bad luck that he caught me on a day when I have a headache from to many emotions. He best hope he stops muttering "radio" loud enough so I can hear it in the next 3 minutes or I am going to fly into a rage.

End mommy-vent.

Marriage, the long story

I have given you the short story, but since it is all fresh it is time to come clean and be open with you about my marriage. I would love to tell you a story about birds singing, butterflies, happiness and happily ever after but this is where I am honest. The thing to remember is I am so blessed - I have Doodles and I have an inexplicable ability to forgive, that is my gift.

He walked in one Sunday afternoon shortly before closing and I asked if I could help him find anything. He wanted something new to listen to so I suggested a few new bands that had come out. He bought them and I kicked him out of the store, we were closing and I was nothing if not in a hurry to get home. I was 18. He came back a few weeks later and one of the guys asked if I was going to have another one (i had a stalker, it was bad but got taken care of). I shrugged and waited to see if he was going to come into the store with his friend. They did and he asked me to go out bowling with them, I was going to say no but they convinced me by telling me 2 of my friends from the mall I worked at were going.

We were seeing each other for a few weeks and I told him I needed to talk to him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was planning on staying that way until my wedding day. I would understand if that was not something he was interested in and if he didn't want to pursue a relationship knowing the limitations on the intimacy. He said he was ok with it and we continued to see each other. My birthday came and went. At the end of April he asked me to meet him at his place. I said ok; when I got there we sat to watch a movie. I asked where everyone was. He told me that they all canceled at the last minute, it was just the two of us. I was uncomfortable, but it was just a movie. He started messing with me and I told him I was not comfortable with that and asked him to stop. One thing lead to another and he did not stop. I kept saying no and he kept going. I was crying and pushing...he pushed back until my virginity was no more. He rolled away from me and I got up, pulled my clothes on and went home in shock.

He called me the next day and told me that I could be pregnant. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that my beliefs told me that I had to marry him now. I couldn't deny anything he said. Inside it was as if I had deflated...all I could think was he is right, if I do not stay with him I am a whore. Every time I found out I was not pregnant he pushed himself on me. For almost a year I lived this way. Until Feb when we had the accident.

I finally started to think in that hospital room. I almost lost my life...I am worth more than this! No one will think I am a whore because I was raped, no one needs to know I was raped...I had sex with one man! I am going to be fine. I need to break free of this. I was gaining strength inside. But, getting out of the hospital......that was another fine mess.

As soon as I started physical therapy he moved up to Wisconsin in with my parents. I stayed in Illinois to complete my therapy and to pack our stuff. We were moving. When I arrived in Wisconsin I was busy trying to find a job and get on my feet. June came and my mom and him sat me down and told me the wedding was planned and paid for all I had to do was go buy a dress. My mom was taking me that next weekend. Wait, I told you that I wanted to postpone this...possibly cancel. Why is this planned???? Paid for???? So, I was swept along from recovering from my accident (did I mention I almost died) to getting married in 6 months.

About a month after my little sister and I were talking and she told me about him and my older sister. What did they do? They had sex while we lived in Illinois? OMG!!!! I am married to him. I cannot do anything about this now.

He continued to force me to be with him. I was his wife and I did my wifely duty. It was not good. About a year into my marriage someone came into our apartment and forced himself on me. This man had a knife and it was so scary. Turned out that this was one of his "friends" from the bar. Oh, he was liking the big city life. Awhile after that traumatic incident, he forgot to pick me up at work. I was working in a little town about 8 miles from our town. The walk was down a country highway that was not at all busy in the middle of the night. I worked second shift. After work I tried to get in touch with him to no avail. Everyone was gone so I walked. About halfway home this car started creeping behind me. I walked faster, I ran. The man ran after me, tackled me in a corn field. He had his face covered so I do not know who it was. The next morning he asked me how my walk home was. I will never know if he was behind it, but I believe that he was in the car. After this I became very obsessed with STDs. I went everywhere to get tested. I paid out of pocket. It was insane! Until my doctor calmed me down and told me she would test me yearly.........I still get tested. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable knowing that this didn't do physical damage.

Anyway...I put him through college. I found a job that I enjoyed. When he got out it was supposed to be my turn to go back to school. When he noticed that I was starting to get friends, enjoying my job he announced that we were moving. I didn't have a choice!!!! He had already quit his job and found a new one. For years we moved every time I got comfortable in a place until we landed in the St Louis Metro area.

Here I got a good job. One I ended up loving. I was gaining courage and strength, friends. He noticed and that is when he told me it was ok for us to have a child. My one wish. After Doodles was born, he was the backbone I needed. There was only one more act of sexual abuse in our relationship and I put my foot down. There will be no more abuse in that household. As the days went by I became more and more frightened. When was he going to snap?

One day he came home and told me he would never touch me again, threw his wallet (at me or the table, you decide) and went to bed. I looked and inside was a receipt for a hotel room for the night before. He obviously didn't sleep. I put it on the table for when he woke up. Later that day I pointed to it and he said he was seeing someone else and he would never touch me again. He was not going to have me freaking out again. {for as crappy of a husband/man as he was he at least had enough respect for me to not touch me when he was with someone else}. I put up with it...he was respecting me and our child needed a father, even if it was only so so. I put up with it until he quit his job as an engineer and started working at the bar full time. I put up with it until I couldn't pay the bills any longer because he was not giving me his paychecks.

I told him that I was done. Adultery is the one reason that my faith gives me to divorce him. I had put up with it for almost 2 years and now I am done. I cannot pay our bills and that is ridiculous. He left and moved in with his girlfriend leaving me with a house payment, the car that was not paid off and all of the outstanding bills. The house was foreclosed on...I didn't even get all of our stuff moved out before they locked it up. I declared bankruptcy because it was impossible to pay for everything that was left sitting in my lap. That shames me...I am self-sufficient, but I just couldn't!

My marriage was not pretty, but for 12 years I put on a happy face for the public and I danced the dance of perfection. On my 15 year wedding anniversary I finally was able to file my divorce papers with the courts....yes, it took 2 almost 3 years for him to agree to sign the paperwork to legalize letting me go. And he only did once I agreed to move closer to him and away from where I was comfortable. Control until the very end....and beyond.

Yes, I forgave everything that happened and I can now see why I agreed to go on that first date. I can remember what a nice person he was He violated my body but he never really violated what really matters. I think that is one of the reasons that I have been able to forgive.

There is more...but 15 years is a lot of stuff. This covers most of the bad and the ugly.